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Dear Lukkas,
…God, I don't know how to start…
Thinking back, farther than I usually let myself, I remember the day I first layed eyes on you. It was the first day of first grade, in Art class. By then, everyone had started to fear me. Everyone took a seat, and you were the only one brave enough to sit down next to me. I knew I wasn't the nicest, and I'm stubborn as hell, but you sat there the whole year, and we actually got some good conversations in because of it. I remember when you made a macaroni picture of me to make me feel better one day…I still have it. You were my only friend back then, everyone else was too afraid to talk to me. And when you moved away in second grade…I was alone. Slowly, I became accustom to that feeling. A few years later, when we were in college, I met you again in the small restaurant you worked at…
I don't know if you recognized me then, but I sure as hell recognized you. I remembered your smile, the way you always parted your hair, and how you always use that clip to hold it back… but I knew something was different. It had been years since I had seen you, and I still remembered how to read you. That's how tightly I held onto our friendship.
Your bright smile you had as a kid had faded, and deep down inside, I hated myself for it. I had nothing to do with it, and I still blamed myself. That's what I had been doing for my whole life, so why stop then.?
I Went to that restaurant every day, just to see you…to see if I could get up enough courage to ask if you remembered me at all. And that one day…I prepped myself for it, rehearsing my lines over and over again inside my head, as if I was in some sappy play…I went inside, took a seat at my regular booth…but you never showed up. I waited for hours, and left a minute before closing. I went back every day after my classes, but still, you never showed up. I couldn't bear myself to ask. I scolded myself for thinking that maybe, someone would be there for me. I had gotten my hopes up, and like every other time in my life, I was let down.
I finished out the year, and as soon as I could, I high-tailed it out of that town. I went to work for a scientist in Sweden, researching global warming…
It had been about a year since I had seen you last. I walked down the road, back to my small apartment after a day of work. I remember pulling my coat in tighter, and staring at the ground. When I looked up, you were right in front of me, walking past to wherever you had to go…
I probably looked like an idiot staring at you, but I had been so shocked, seeing you again so suddenly. I can remember how you glanced at me and kept walking, and…I guess I had a little extra crazy in my coffee that morning, because instead of walking straight to my house, I turned on my heal and called your name…

You stopped, turning around to face me…
"..Yes?"
By then, my brain had gone dead. I immediately regretted everything.
We stood there for what felt like eternity, just staring back at each other. I knew my face was redder than a tomato, and I was about to turn around and run the rest of the way back home full-speed, when you grabbed the sleeve of my coat, rendering me from going anywhere….
"..Bela…?"

Before I knew it, we were sitting on the edge of a bridge, catching up. You told me about how your mom had passed in the middle of your last year of college, explaining your sudden absence. I didn't talk much, I never have been good at that…I did my best to explain how I was being let go, how the scientist I was working for couldn't pay me…about how I hated my family and didn't want to go back…how much I loved it there, even if I couldn't express it well…
Somehow, it ended up with me moving into your attic when I was unable to pay rent anymore. I had gotten into a band with some people who needed a guitar player, and planned on earning my pay that way. I practiced and practiced, and I knew you hated music, but one day everything caught up to me, and I just…I got so overwhelmed, all I could do was plug my guitar into my amp and turn up that volume, singing American Idiot at the top of my lungs.
I remember sitting on the stairs that led up to your attic, strumming my guitar, just waiting for you to threaten to kick me out again. Yeah, it hurt when you would tell me that. But smirking and telling you 'No' was one way I dealt with things. But…to my surprise, you sang along. And an even bigger surprise, you were really, really good. I scolded myself inside for forgetting how deep you could get. I had let myself forget that you have to search under the surface to get to people. I had let myself judge you by your outward appearance, and by spoken words instead of getting to know the real you…
Every night, when I would play the songs I knew, you would climb up in the attic and join me… we would sing songs in harmony, over and over again…And even though it was so apparent, so obvious, I wouldn't let myself admit that I had fallen for you, hard.
And that one day…I took a risk and played the one song I kept close to my heart…the one song I wouldn't play in front of anyone else… my fingers strummed the cords of the guitar, knowing their way around this song forwards and backwards, as I sang the words, pouring my heart into every one…all in front of you. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew I should have stopped myself, because after the song was over, the memories had already arrested my mind, and I couldn't stop the tears from coming.
I hated it. I hated it so, so much. I never let myself seem weak. I wasn't weak. I had been on the battlefield so many times, and this, this stupid song is the reason for my tears? The first time I had ever cried in front of someone was brought on by a song. I had reached a new low.
I covered my face with my hands, pushing the guitar away. I was so embarrassed, and overwhelmingly mad at myself. I probably would've exploded if you hadn't wrapped your arms around me and held me until I stopped.
And then…I leaned up and…kissed you, the first time I had kissed someone who wasn't a family member, and…you didn't pull away. We sat there for who knows how long, lips locked….until we remembered that we're human, and we sort of need air to live. For the second time since meeting you, my face had gone bright red, and I realized… It sort of felt nice for someone to actually care enough to protect you, so you can feel ok about being weak for once and just get your head together before facing the world again.
After that night, I slept in your bed, instead of up in the cold attic. Just having you be there was a blessing. You we're the first to actually care. Here I am, a nation of 31+ years, and I am just now falling in love for the first time. It might seem a little sad when you think about it, but…it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
But then came that one night…I had a horrible nightmare, and…I didn't know what to think…I let doubt seep into my mind…and I let it take control of me… I thought maybe this was all a game, some sort of sick trick God was playing…but most of all, I was afraid of being hurt again.
I'll be honest, I was afraid you'd walk out on me again… You did it twice before, once in second grade, the other in college… I didn't want to go through that again… So I left.
I got my things from the attic and walked out the door, not allowing myself to look back… I got in my car, and… I didn't even know where the hell I was going to go… I just drove. I ended up driving to Ivan's house. He was dead, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I thought maybe it would help me get over you, but… it only made it worse. I lay there in Ivan's bed, clutching a pillow to my chest, trying to stop the tears, but they weren't planning on ceasing any time soon. After a while, when I had no more tears left to cry, I got in my car again and drove far away from that house. It was filled with too many bad memories, and I just…couldn't handle it. Not then.
I ended up pulling over at a small park, watching the rain come down in sheets as I thought of you, and how much I just wanted to be in your arms again…I had ripped my own heart out and stomped on it, and I knew deep down that even if I tried to find you, even if I tried to get you back, the chances you would take me back were slim to none.
I started crying again, and I burst out of the small space, leaning against my car in the rain, hoping it would hide the tears that stained my face… It had only been a few hours, but I already missed you more than you could possibly imagine…I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I hated how I felt towards you, I hated how I had let myself fall for you and depend on you, but most of all…I hated myself for leaving you.
In my haze, I hadn't heard you approach.
"…Bela…" You were about 10 feet away from me, a wall of rain being the only thing separating us. My heart sank even lower when I looked up to see your face almost as sad as mine.
All I could do was stare at you in disbelief, as if maybe you were some sort of illusion, some sort of hallucination…but you weren't.
"…why…why did you go…" Just those few words shattered my heart into a million pieces, the hatred towards myself getting greater by the second.
I was completely overwhelmed. I couldn't think straight. My heart would've been pounding in my chest if It hadn't fallen to my feet yet. I dropped to my knees, tears stinging my eyes like never before.
I couldn't bring myself to look at you, to accept that fact that I was the one that had hurt you so badly… all I could do was stare at the dark, wet pavement, praying to God that I would just wake up, and everything would be ok…
You wrapped your arms around me…you didn't let go until I was stable enough to handle it… you took me back and brought me home, and after a while I was able to forgive myself, too, which was something I had never been good at. I thank God for you every day, Lukkas.
Then, 9 months later, on our 15 month anniversary… you… proposed. I couldn't contain my joy. I've always hated jewelry, but God, Luke, that ring was gorgeous.
Now, here we are, engaged and happy, planning our upcoming wedding…and all I can do is sit back and thank the Lord that I met you.

Lukkas Bondevik, I love you.
Forever and Always,

Natalia Arslovkaya

Description
Dear Lukkas,
…God, I don't know how to start…
Thinking back, farther than I usually let myself, I remember the day I first layed eyes on you. It was the first day of first grade, in Art class. By then, everyone had started to fear me. Everyone took a seat, and you were the only one brave enough to sit down next to me. I knew I wasn't the nicest, and I'm stubborn as hell, but you sat there the whole year, and we actually got some good conversations in because of it. I remember when you made a macaroni picture of me to make me feel better one day…I still have it. You were my only friend back then, everyone else was too afraid to talk to me. And when you moved away in second grade…I was alone. Slowly, I became accustom to that feeling. A few years later, when we were in college, I met you again in the small restaurant you worked at…
I don't know if you recognized me then, but I sure as hell recognized you. I remembered your smile, the way you always parted your hair, and how you always use that clip to hold it back… but I knew something was different. It had been years since I had seen you, and I still remembered how to read you. That's how tightly I held onto our friendship.
Your bright smile you had as a kid had faded, and deep down inside, I hated myself for it. I had nothing to do with it, and I still blamed myself. That's what I had been doing for my whole life, so why stop then.?
I Went to that restaurant every day, just to see you…to see if I could get up enough courage to ask if you remembered me at all. And that one day…I prepped myself for it, rehearsing my lines over and over again inside my head, as if I was in some sappy play…I went inside, took a seat at my regular booth…but you never showed up. I waited for hours, and left a minute before closing. I went back every day after my classes, but still, you never showed up. I couldn't bear myself to ask. I scolded myself for thinking that maybe, someone would be there for me. I had gotten my hopes up, and like every other time in my life, I was let down.
I finished out the year, and as soon as I could, I high-tailed it out of that town. I went to work for a scientist in Sweden, researching global warming…
It had been about a year since I had seen you last. I walked down the road, back to my small apartment after a day of work. I remember pulling my coat in tighter, and staring at the ground. When I looked up, you were right in front of me, walking past to wherever you had to go…
I probably looked like an idiot staring at you, but I had been so shocked, seeing you again so suddenly. I can remember how you glanced at me and kept walking, and…I guess I had a little extra crazy in my coffee that morning, because instead of walking straight to my house, I turned on my heal and called your name…

You stopped, turning around to face me…
"..Yes?"
By then, my brain had gone dead. I immediately regretted everything.
We stood there for what felt like eternity, just staring back at each other. I knew my face was redder than a tomato, and I was about to turn around and run the rest of the way back home full-speed, when you grabbed the sleeve of my coat, rendering me from going anywhere….
"..Bela…?"

Before I knew it, we were sitting on the edge of a bridge, catching up. You told me about how your mom had passed in the middle of your last year of college, explaining your sudden absence. I didn't talk much, I never have been good at that…I did my best to explain how I was being let go, how the scientist I was working for couldn't pay me…about how I hated my family and didn't want to go back…how much I loved it there, even if I couldn't express it well…
Somehow, it ended up with me moving into your attic when I was unable to pay rent anymore. I had gotten into a band with some people who needed a guitar player, and planned on earning my pay that way. I practiced and practiced, and I knew you hated music, but one day everything caught up to me, and I just…I got so overwhelmed, all I could do was plug my guitar into my amp and turn up that volume, singing American Idiot at the top of my lungs.
I remember sitting on the stairs that led up to your attic, strumming my guitar, just waiting for you to threaten to kick me out again. Yeah, it hurt when you would tell me that. But smirking and telling you 'No' was one way I dealt with things. But…to my surprise, you sang along. And an even bigger surprise, you were really, really good. I scolded myself inside for forgetting how deep you could get. I had let myself forget that you have to search under the surface to get to people. I had let myself judge you by your outward appearance, and by spoken words instead of getting to know the real you…
Every night, when I would play the songs I knew, you would climb up in the attic and join me… we would sing songs in harmony, over and over again…And even though it was so apparent, so obvious, I wouldn't let myself admit that I had fallen for you, hard.
And that one day…I took a risk and played the one song I kept close to my heart…the one song I wouldn't play in front of anyone else… my fingers strummed the cords of the guitar, knowing their way around this song forwards and backwards, as I sang the words, pouring my heart into every one…all in front of you. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew I should have stopped myself, because after the song was over, the memories had already arrested my mind, and I couldn't stop the tears from coming.
I hated it. I hated it so, so much. I never let myself seem weak. I wasn't weak. I had been on the battlefield so many times, and this, this stupid song is the reason for my tears? The first time I had ever cried in front of someone was brought on by a song. I had reached a new low.
I covered my face with my hands, pushing the guitar away. I was so embarrassed, and overwhelmingly mad at myself. I probably would've exploded if you hadn't wrapped your arms around me and held me until I stopped.
And then…I leaned up and…kissed you, the first time I had kissed someone who wasn't a family member, and…you didn't pull away. We sat there for who knows how long, lips locked….until we remembered that we're human, and we sort of need air to live. For the second time since meeting you, my face had gone bright red, and I realized… It sort of felt nice for someone to actually care enough to protect you, so you can feel ok about being weak for once and just get your head together before facing the world again.
After that night, I slept in your bed, instead of up in the cold attic. Just having you be there was a blessing. You we're the first to actually care. Here I am, a nation of 31+ years, and I am just now falling in love for the first time. It might seem a little sad when you think about it, but…it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
But then came that one night…I had a horrible nightmare, and…I didn't know what to think…I let doubt seep into my mind…and I let it take control of me… I thought maybe this was all a game, some sort of sick trick God was playing…but most of all, I was afraid of being hurt again.
I'll be honest, I was afraid you'd walk out on me again… You did it twice before, once in second grade, the other in college… I didn't want to go through that again… So I left.
I got my things from the attic and walked out the door, not allowing myself to look back… I got in my car, and… I didn't even know where the hell I was going to go… I just drove. I ended up driving to Ivan's house. He was dead, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I thought maybe it would help me get over you, but… it only made it worse. I lay there in Ivan's bed, clutching a pillow to my chest, trying to stop the tears, but they weren't planning on ceasing any time soon. After a while, when I had no more tears left to cry, I got in my car again and drove far away from that house. It was filled with too many bad memories, and I just…couldn't handle it. Not then.
I ended up pulling over at a small park, watching the rain come down in sheets as I thought of you, and how much I just wanted to be in your arms again…I had ripped my own heart out and stomped on it, and I knew deep down that even if I tried to find you, even if I tried to get you back, the chances you would take me back were slim to none.
I started crying again, and I burst out of the small space, leaning against my car in the rain, hoping it would hide the tears that stained my face… It had only been a few hours, but I already missed you more than you could possibly imagine…I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I hated how I felt towards you, I hated how I had let myself fall for you and depend on you, but most of all…I hated myself for leaving you.
In my haze, I hadn't heard you approach.
"…Bela…" You were about 10 feet away from me, a wall of rain being the only thing separating us. My heart sank even lower when I looked up to see your face almost as sad as mine.
All I could do was stare at you in disbelief, as if maybe you were some sort of illusion, some sort of hallucination…but you weren't.
"…why…why did you go…" Just those few words shattered my heart into a million pieces, the hatred towards myself getting greater by the second.
I was completely overwhelmed. I couldn't think straight. My heart would've been pounding in my chest if It hadn't fallen to my feet yet. I dropped to my knees, tears stinging my eyes like never before.
I couldn't bring myself to look at you, to accept that fact that I was the one that had hurt you so badly… all I could do was stare at the dark, wet pavement, praying to God that I would just wake up, and everything would be ok…
You wrapped your arms around me…you didn't let go until I was stable enough to handle it… you took me back and brought me home, and after a while I was able to forgive myself, too, which was something I had never been good at. I thank God for you every day, Lukkas.
Then, 9 months later, on our 15 month anniversary… you… proposed. I couldn't contain my joy. I've always hated jewelry, but God, Luke, that ring was gorgeous.
Now, here we are, engaged and happy, planning our upcoming wedding…and all I can do is sit back and thank the Lord that I met you.

Lukkas Bondevik, I love you.
Forever and Always,

Natalia Arslovkaya