HOME | DD

shecanread — morning
Published: 2007-12-01 23:02:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 353; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 5
Redirect to original
Description he says, wake up,
and we stop sleeping, because our closed eyes mean we’re missing
the sounds of comfortable love everywhere.
It’s the smell of wonder, it’s the smooth noise of knee upon knee,
the way my fingers are breaking.
Those notes of melody being stroked by the stars --
not the sounds of harps, but the nights of soft moans, the songs of closed eyes
and tiny kisses in the park.
he says, wake up,
i miss the feeling in our arms.
And, do you hear the seconds ticking by,
the music of gentle touches and stares across the dark?
It’s violins, it’s piano players, it’s air guitars,
it’s being clothes-less and it’s being seventy and still in love.
The way toy children exchange their hearts.
And, our closed eyes mean we’re missing those sounds,
the comfortable love,
the moments in the early hours and the seconds we’re alone,
the promises, being back to back, the whispers, and the way i feel your chapped cheeks.
The way i dream about the last thirty seconds,
never dying, tip toes down the hall,
leaving, coming, counting down.
the way we are in love.
Related content
Comments: 4

DeepPurpleTears [2008-10-04 21:36:47 +0000 UTC]

ah, it's been so long since i've read one of your wonderful writings! simple amazing...as always! i love this one actually. i love to see and read different view points on love and the facets of such an emotion.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

starsdie [2007-12-13 11:01:16 +0000 UTC]

I totally love the fingers breaking line, it's unique, it slayed me. (:

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

SirNaelyan [2007-12-07 15:35:22 +0000 UTC]

It sounds nice.

Word choice:
"The way my fingers are (breaking)." Is "breaking" the correct word here? If so, why?

How about "toy children exchanging their hearts?" What are you trying to do by bringing up the idea of toy children?

I think you might need to be a little more wise about how you use words, because you're mixing ideas of masochism/decay/wounds and comfort. That mixture can create some strong, poignant contrasts, but it's also sort of a hard thing to pull off.

The structure is very choppy. You juxtapose ideas of sight, touch, and sound quite often. Not together, but in separate places. At the same time, you string it all together in one stanza. Why did you choose to write in this way? I can see reasons for it, but I'm curious what you're thinking.

Thanks for sharing.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

otterhare [2007-12-06 06:56:33 +0000 UTC]

ohh. this makes my heart happy.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0