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Shiori17 — Everything Stands Still
Published: 2005-05-04 05:00:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 62; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 7
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Description
Unforgiven, unforgotten,the memories never truly fade away.
The lonely-ness deepens
as the light fades,
The pain gets worse
and the water slowly rises over my head.
The cold surrounds me
and I welcome the darkness.
The water rushes about my waist,
I feel its cold grasp pulling me down.
The water keeps rising, rising,
rising now above my head.
I relax as the feeling goes out of my limbs,
and I observe with joy
and watch as time stands still.
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Comments: 6
My first impression was that it was great. ^^ I liked it, it was simple and to the point while being metaphoric at the same time.
I find it odd that you talked about joy in the last stanza when it really wasn’t a joyful piece. Joy just seemed to come out of nowhere. I get that you were driving at finding solace and peace in numbness, but it just struck me as odd and out of place. I also feel that your use of sentence is too limiting – break free of structure and grammar and just flow ^^ You have a lot of talent that sentences can’t contain, and you should never set a limit on yourself, your ability or your creativity. Grammar and poetry never liked each other. ^^
I definitely think this piece has potential if you were to go back and work with it more, maybe look at each of the significant words and decide if that particular word gives across the emotion that you wanted to convey because I think you could have played with your word choice a bit.
I loved the repetition of the word rising in stanza #6 because it got the point across really well. The line “I relax as feelings go out of my limbs” is really touching and moving. ^^
I think you did a good job with this piece and that you have a lot of potential.
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Thank you very much for your comment. It's probably one of the most critical comments I have ever gotten, and I am definatly not complaining. I shall have to consider all that you said, and maybe work on it a bit someday. Again, thank you for your comment on my work. ^ ^ It is much appreciated.
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o.0 I thought I wrote angsty stuff sometimes
But yay
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This poem would fit better if you rearranged some of the stanzas. Maybe even make the phrases a little more vague and put together. 
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Probably, but it was just a let out for me during b-block. i might fix it up a bit later. thanks for the critique. i'll eventually get to putting it together more smoothly hopefully. ^ ^'
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