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Silvertaste β Show Me the City
Published: 2011-06-30 23:07:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 377; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 4
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"You're early.""It's a quiet night, kid."
"Yes, yeah, 'course. Do I pay up front, or...?"
"Just get in. You'll freeze to death out there-winter here ain't never been kind to anybody."
"Thank you."
"So where you headed at this hour?"
"Anywhere."
"Pretty late for that, kid. Aren't you a little young to be out alone?"
"Probably."
"Where are your parents?"
"I don't know."
"You ain't so helpful, kid. What's your story, then?"
"I want to see the city one last time. Before I die."
"You gotta a lot of time for that."
"No, I don't."
"I see. I'm sorry."
"Everybody's sorry nowadays. I'm tired of it. Listen, I'm just a stupid kid. Sorry for...wasting your time."
"Wait. The park down by the waterfront."
"Hm?"
"The park. It's beautiful this time of night."
"Is it?"
"Swear by it."
"Thank you."
"Now close that door, kid. If you're gunna go, it better not be from freezing to death."
"All right, mister. Show me the bright city lights."
"You got it. Squint and they'll look like stars, kid."
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Comments: 25
Very nice. Clearly defined characters with distinct voices. The dialog was very easy to follow. Nice work!
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This is nicely done. You've left the question of why the "kid" doesn't have much time left to live unanswered, but then, sometimes there are questions in literature that don't have to be answered for the piece to make sense. This is one of those moments. The "kid" doesn't have much time, and the taxi driver decides to give him/her a bit of slack. Nice.
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Thanks! I'm glad I captured that.
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This is gorgeous, really. I simply love the end!
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I was rather proud of the end myself! Thanks.
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"Squint and they'll look like stars, kid." Love it.
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I was quite proud of that line myself. Thank you!
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With good reason! You're welcome.
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I love the ending. <3 City lights and stars, two of my favorite things. Cheers to FFM!
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Thanks. And definitely 
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Excellent. I can just imagine this whole scene.
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Rockin' prose, man. And I quite liked when she said "sorry for wasting your time." It added humor and humanity to the story and character.
Bravo
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Thank you! I'm glad my first piece was rockin'
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Good stuff. I really like this challenge, because it's bringing out lots of good work.
Your imagery is very good, so is your language.
I got a bit confused with these lines:
"I see. I'm sorry."
"Oh gosh, no, I'm sorry. This was a bad idea. I've wasted you tiβ"
The kid, earlier, seems rather stoic and unapolagetic. Having the kid suddenly want to back out seems...out of character.
Otherwise, great work.
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Thank you 
I was trying to convey that she was putting up an uncaring front before sort of breaking down-- but yeah, I can see why it kind of sticks out. I shall work on that. Thanks for the feedback!
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Yeah, I see where you're coming from. The placement of her breakdown just needs a little adjusting. Like, maybe after the driver actually offers to drive her (maybe I just skimmed, but I wasn't aware the kid was a girl) somewhere.
Food for thought.
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Nah, she's just a girl in my head. I don't think I mentioned it.
Yeah, that makes sense. I'll look over it. Thanks again.
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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my god, what a great way to start the show. I love this. I pictured the taxi, the city, the chill of the night and the way words mist--street lights and cars honking in the background. I could immediately fill in the details of the kid, the driver, the scene with just the dialogue. FULL. OF. WIN.
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Oh my, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Here's to the next 31 days!
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And surviving them! 
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