lakan-inocencio [2007-03-01 18:31:30 +0000 UTC]

Comprehensive Critique:

Paragraph 1:

Her long dark hair flowed elegantly as the cold winds blew through them.

It sounds a bit choppy here, you're saying that her long dark hair flowed elegantly, but you're also saying that the winds blew through them. What is them? If you say them, you refer to the plural, more than one. The wind can't blow through her hairs, but it could blow through the strands of her hair. Thus, you can either say that "strands of her long dark hair flowed...as the cold winds blew through them", or better yet and closer to your original, "Her long dark hair flowed...as the cold winds blew through it."

She stopped for a while as she fixed her emerald eyes in the darkness and then she continued to walk along the shady path.

One cannot fix one's eyes in the darkness, this implies a physical manipulation of the eyes. It would be better said, "she stopped for a while as she allowed her eyes to attune themselves to the darkness" or something along those lines. Avoid "fix" Also, she's all ready been walking through the darkness for a while on her way to the cemetery, why is it her eyes are suddenly no longer attuned to the dark?

The moon was shadowed by the thick clouds and only the lamp she was holding gave her light.

Avoid, "by the thick clouds", saying :"by thick clouds" works just as well and flows more naturally. Perhaps a full stop after clouds would be better. "The moon was shadowed by thick clouds . Only the lamp she was holding gave her any light"

Her steps are got heavier as she passed through the brass gate of the ancient cemetery.

Why would her steps get heavier? Considering that she's walking into a cemetery about to attempt to bring her lover back, she wouldn't start trudging. Heavier steps imply depression, weight on the shoulders, slower movement. While she may be depressed, the attitude that I get from the story is less one of depression, but more one of calm insanity, a feverish hope that she may bring her loved one back, not the slow trudging of inevitability.

The stench of the newly decaying corpses from the opened tombs filled the air.

If it's an ancient cemetery, why are there newly decaying corpses? And why would the tombs be open? Aye, let's say that they were accused of being vampires, they had a stake in their heart, but as per tradition regarding the disposal of vampires, it wouldn't be wise or advisable for them to leave the tombs open. Consider that you've just driven a stake through the heart of a supposed vampire, would you leave his/her tomb wide open? You would close it to make sure that it doesn't get out.

Each of the corpses had stakes struck in their heart.

Wooden stakes are a bit big, hard to have more than one in your heart at a time. Also, you use the word "struck". It seems that you imply that the stakes were driven in by hand, hence being struck there. I think you may be searching for another word. Staked in their heart would have been a good choice, but there would be too much repetition. Impaled would quite possibly be the next best choice.

Those who were accused of being a vampire were held on that horrifying fate.

Held on that horrifying fate? What do you mean? Perhaps, "Those who were accused of being a vampire were condemned to that horrifying fate."? Also, who is it horrifying for? The dead guy? The people staking the dead guy? Perhaps "grisly" would be better.

She can still hear some of their faint gasp.

"She could still hear the faint gasps of some of the victims." perhaps? Also, you say "can", you've suddenly shifted to the present tense, you should always use the same tense as what you started with. Also, make up your mind from the start, present tense? past tense? future tense maybe?

She shivered but couldn’t look away.

She heard the faint gasp, but now she can't look away?

“Such fate. I might face it too, soon.”

Good use of foreshadowing.

She continued to walk until she reached a grand mausoleum.

This is fine, but maybe a little more description would be nice. Remember, details are the most important part of storytelling.

The crown of freshly bloomed roses was placed on the door of the sepulcher indicating a new member of the family had just died and was buried there.

""A" crown of freshly..." Not "the" crown. Crown might not be the right word though, perhaps wreath? Also, considering your previous description of the cemetery, there seemed to be dead vampires everywhere, or at least those accused of vampirism. What family then, in their right mind would place a beloved member of their family here amongst such things? Or, let's say they thought he was a vampire. Why would they lay a crown of freshly bloomed roses?

“This is where my beloved lays.”

"This is where my beloved lies" Once again, keep in mind your tenses.

She gently spoke and the gentle winds blew her voice away.

Never use the same word in the same sentence twice. Doesn't sound good and it breaks the flow of the sentence.

She fixed the key onto the lock and pushed the heavy door open.

pushed the key into the lock. Or simply unlocked the door and pushed it open.

As if by enchantment or any form of sorcery, the clouds disappeared and moon gave its light that flowed into the spacious room.

Don't say "any form of sorcery", doesn't sound good."As if by enchantment" is good enough. Also, perhaps it would be best to rephrase, "and the moon gave it's light that flowed into the spacious room" It sounds weird that the moon gave it's light, more so that it flowed into the room. Flowing expresses a liquid, perhaps the moon streaming in would be better, filling the spacious room. Also, spacious might not be the best word, it implies a lack of space as in a new house, rather than a feeling of emptiness as one would find in a tomb.

In the middle of the room was a figure lying on the altar, covered in white sheets that glistened on the moonlight.

This is good. Just change, "on the altar" to "atop an altar" or something to that effect.

“Here I am, I came here for you, my love.”

Nice, invokes a curious feeling of creepiness.

She came closer and slightly removed the sheet that covered the body.

Gently, or carefully, gingerly even, but not slightly. Unless of course, what you mean to say is she only removed part of the cloth. If you mean she only revealed the face, say that, but if you mean to say she did it gently, then say she did it gently.

It beheld a beautiful face, serene as if sleeping peacefully after a tragic death.

It beheld a beautiful face? Or rather, beneath was a beautiful face? To behold something implies a grandness that doesn't seem to fit with the quiet of the story.

She gently ran her delicate fingers along his once sturdy chest and felt his still heart.

Once sturdy chest? So it's no longer sturdy? Rigor mortis usually makes this pretty hard. Or do you mean that there is a stake in his chest? It is interesting though that at this point of the story you can't tell if she's snapped or what.

Tears rolled into her eyes as she spoke.

Use a comma instead of a period. Nice though.

“They had taken you away from me. You’re the only one I have left.”

Try, "They took you away from me"

She kissed his cold lips and whispered.

Again, a comma instead of a period.

“I’m bringing you back.”

Very, very nice.

Crimson blood flowed as she cut her right wrist deep with a dagger, staining her silk gown.

Instead of "deep", try "open". Also, try knife instead of dagger. The way the character is coming off to me is as of one of noble breeding, I don't see where she would get a dagger. She could get a knife easily from the cooking staff though. A dagger on the other hand is a weapon, not a utensil like a knife.

“I will give everything I had, even my own life, my own eternity just to have you back.”

"I will give everything I have". Nice usage of eternity as opposed to immortality. I like it a lot.

She fell down on her knees, her actions have drained the life away from her.

Slitting her wrists wouldn't bring her to her knees that quickly. And one falls down to their knees, not down on their knees. "Her actions having drained the life away from her" not "have drained the life away from her"

She cupped her hand, now full of blood, and placed lightly it on her dead lover’s lips.

Good, but you should have said earlier she was collecting the blood in her hand.

“Please drink, take my blood, drink it, breathe.”

Nice, just the right hint of desperation.

Eyes getting heavier, she collapsed on the floor as the last of her life-giving blood spilled.

It might be better to keep it ambiguous as to whether or not she's a vampire. It gives the story a very nice touch if the reader doesn't really know. I'd avoid "life-giving blood"

"Have I failed you, my love?"

More desperation, and a slight touch of insanity, nice.

As the black abyss of unconsciousness claimed her she felt a caring arm slid underneath her back.

Try familiar arm, hard to say an arm is caring.

She tried to open her eyes and saw a familiar figure. She smiled at him. "I will be, forever with you.”

Very nice ending. I like how it's left open as to what exactly happened.



Plus Points
+I like how the story is ambiguous, the reader is never really sure if the girls is going crazy from grief, or if she actually is a vampire. It seems to me that it's up to the individual reader to gauge what is actually going through the girl's mind.
+The ending is nice, it's also left to the reader as to whether or not she actually brought the man back, or if it was all a product of her own delusion. The way the story is written it could go either way. She could really be hallucinating and have read one too many Anne Rice books, or vampires could be real, it's never explicitly said.
+The way the story is written doesn't make any explicit attempts at being creepy, yet there is that overall feeling of creepiness and surreality to it that lends very nicely to the story.

Minus Points
-You have to work on some grammatical points such as tenses and whatnot. They may seem like minor points, but they interrupt the flow of reading as the reader tries to find out what's going on.
-Similarly, some of your wording interrupted the flow. Always reread your work to make sure it flows properly.
-Lastly, you should always keep in mind the details. Details make or break a story. Also, keep your facts straight, like in the first paragraph where she started walking heavily. Always ask yourself why a character is doing something and whether or not it makes sense.


Last words:

All in all, I really enjoyed your work. It'll take a few more drafts to get to gold, but keep working for it and you'll get there. The story wasn't anything unique, but I found the way you went about it very intriguing and different, just the way you went about it made the piece unique enough to pique my interest. You have talent, keep at it and you'll be golden. Great job

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

sol019 [2007-02-25 16:59:16 +0000 UTC]

Some errors, IMHO. I might be wrong though :

Her long dark hair flowed elegantly when (as) the cold winds blew through them. She stopped for a while and fixed her emerald eyes in the darkness and then (as) she continued to walk along the shady path. The moon was shadowed by the (remove it) thick clouds and only the lamp she was holding was giving(gave) her light. Her steps are getting (got) heavier as she passed through the brass gate of the ancient cemetery.........

.....The crown of freshly bloomed roses was (were) placed on the door of the sepulcher indicates (indicating) a new member of the family (had) just died and was buried there.

.....(In) The middle of the room was a figure lying on the altar, covered in white sheets that glistened on the moonlight.

She came closer and slightly removed the sheet that is covering (covered) the body. It beholds (beholded a beautiful face, serene as if sleeping peacefully after a tragic death.

She gently ran her delicate fingers (along) his once sturdy chest and felt his still heart. Tears rolled into her eyes as she spoke.

....She cupped her hand, now full of blood, and placed (it) lightly on her dead lover’s lips.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

UrbanUnderground [2007-02-25 15:04:23 +0000 UTC]

aww... your style's very effective. good job!


- fckm0nkey!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

savinaian [2007-02-25 10:05:05 +0000 UTC]

*teary-eyed* aww......

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

eyes2blues [2007-02-22 16:33:52 +0000 UTC]

*sniff* that was sad...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

amysid [2007-02-22 13:16:36 +0000 UTC]

nothing compares to undying love!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

angstfool11 [2007-02-22 11:39:46 +0000 UTC]

whoah nice story

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

aikuchi-shikaku [2007-02-21 17:17:53 +0000 UTC]

It turned out really well cousin! ty sa special mention

👍: 0 ⏩: 1