Comments: 20
onehitpoint [2017-06-04 20:08:32 +0000 UTC]
This is really cool so far though x)
👍: 1 ⏩: 0
onehitpoint [2017-06-04 20:06:32 +0000 UTC]
Joey stop tryna make our badass grampa into a cultist boi xD
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
kyrtuck [2017-06-02 18:05:27 +0000 UTC]
The dialogue is pretty ham fisted.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SKY-Lia In reply to kyrtuck [2017-06-02 18:18:30 +0000 UTC]
"Ham fisted" ? Sorry, I don't understand > <
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
kyrtuck In reply to SKY-Lia [2017-06-02 18:24:41 +0000 UTC]
Goofy, silly sounding. Slightly awkward, not very believable.
👍: 1 ⏩: 1
SKY-Lia In reply to kyrtuck [2017-06-02 19:04:03 +0000 UTC]
Oh, okay ! °3°' So, it's all the dialogue ?
Can you tell me how I can improve this ? (or which sentences should I change ?)
I rarely made comic, then I'm not very strong for the dialogues (or litterally, scenario)
👍: 1 ⏩: 1
kyrtuck In reply to SKY-Lia [2017-06-02 19:24:53 +0000 UTC]
Well, you have a great sense of timing with the comic. Mostly, you should just make it a little less direct, be more subtle, and expand on a few parts. Like here's a rewritten version of this page, as an example.
J: Hey Henry, working away at that cartoon?
H: You know it.
*pause*
J: Henry...sometimes I get to thinking....
H: Oh yeah? About what?
J:Like...like maybe we could give life to our little Bendy?
H: Ha, really? Like what, sprinkle a little magic fairy dust on him? Make him pop right out of this paper?
J: No, that's ridiculous. I'm talking about something more practical. Something from...down below.
*pause*
H: pfft...hahaha! A deal with the devil kind of thing? Ahhaha, you crack me up Joey.
J: I'm being serious Henry!
H: Yeah, maybe you need to get some sleep, buddy.
J: What? No, I'm perfectly fine....
Just some thoughts.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SKY-Lia In reply to kyrtuck [2017-06-02 20:56:01 +0000 UTC]
Wow ! It's a very good remark ! It's true that I'm too direct sometimes, I'm not a literary person, so I write in a simple and direct style (I'm clumsy to make complex sentences, ha ha, in french and english).
And, I like your rewritten, it's more natural ! Next time, I'll try to think to make a dialogue which will be more subtle and be less direct (and expand on a few parts).
Anyway, thank you to take time to rewrite the dialogue and for your critic/advice (it's a good wake-up call for me, I really must read a lot of books, and maybe comics, to improve my written expression !)
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Flame-Bloom [2017-06-02 04:47:38 +0000 UTC]
Magnifique Bd!
Je me demande ce qui ce passe ensuite...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
maddog197x [2017-06-01 22:55:10 +0000 UTC]
Oh boy! This looks promising!
Would you mind if this got dubbed? I'll be sure to give you credit.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SKY-Lia In reply to maddog197x [2017-06-02 13:05:05 +0000 UTC]
Oh sure ! You can ! It would be awesome ! QwQ
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
maddog197x In reply to SKY-Lia [2017-06-04 22:17:18 +0000 UTC]
Of course! I have both of those, but I never use them, so give me a link when you do.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SKY-Lia In reply to maddog197x [2017-06-04 19:24:16 +0000 UTC]
Oh my goood !! This is so cool !!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0