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Spykedjadedragon β The Piano Score
Published: 2006-01-11 02:27:03 +0000 UTC; Views: 456; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 5
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Description
Drag me away into a whirlwindMake me breathless by the end
Let the roar ransack my ears
Evoke enraptured tears
Let me spiral into oblivion
Enthralled in your spell
Which nothing can quell
I stand
Hanging by that thread,
I tread
Into that chaos sublime
Suspended in time
I HEAR
The notes run together
Never sounding better
Donβt give me feather light touches
Unless it, culminates, in a fierce ending
Sending
Electric shocks of pleasure
A startled gasp and then. . .
The score is finished
My joy diminished
Iβm left, wanting more
From that lovely
Piano Score.
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Comments: 22
wonderful job.....it sounds like me at my piano when i first decide to improvise a melody and then it crescendos into a dramatic work, you describe all i feel! awesome job! *favs*
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Now this is how I feel at the end of a magnificent piano piece! Exquisite job!
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This was very good.. I loved the subject...
But these lines didn't seem to fit all too well:
The notes run together
Never sounding better
That line seems kind of forced, maybe if were just to use a different word?
Wonderful work though
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Great ^^, some of your rhythms are very clever, but some of them sound a bit awkward. It could be I'm readin' it wrong, but read it over several times, especially out loud, to make sure you have the rhythem just how you want it. Same goes for your rhymes too, some of them work exquisitely and some sound a tad forced. I don't think "I HEAR" needs to be so boldly capitalized, it doesn't seem to add much. Overall good ^^, I like the line "Hanging by that thread, I tread"
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Mm, well done 
"Suspended in time"-- that's my favourite line. Good job!
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Yes, I do play the piano...though not very well...I mostly listen to a lot of classical composers. Thanks for reading my work, and for the comment!
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I love it. I play the piano myself and I can hear the music within the poem. I can tell you wrote this while listening to a classical piece.
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Thanks for reading my work, and for the favorite. I love classical pieces.
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Beautiful! I applaud your work. The rhymes are so subtle and there is just the right amount of figurative language.
I have two itty-bitty critiques.
1. "Let the roar ransack my ears" Can a piano piece ever really roar? Consider revising this line to something more fitting with the rest of the piece. Keep the passion, but lose the harshness.
2. "The score is finished" I'd use a different word here instead of score, just to keep the emphasis on the conclusion in the last line.
But wow, it's a very fluid piece, and easy to read as well. Gorgeous.
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Hmm you're very right about number 2, re-reading this it does seem like the word "score" in the line "the score is finished" detracts from the end...but I don't know about number 1...sometimes I DO think a piano piece can roar...but then again...I'm a very weird person so perhaps to normal people it might sound odd....
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stands tall. could use some ammunition though, try linking things together with more prepositional phrases. nothing silly, just to give those two-four syllable words a couple steps to roll on. any direction, fantastic piece. bravo.
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Some lovely images and phrases. I will say to you, however, what I would say to anyone who has used rhyme in the fashion that you have: use meter, too! Rhyme almost always sounds either forced or "sing-songy" if there is not set meter and no set rhyme schem.
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Hm yes you are right...I'm trying to train myself to write more structually since most of what I write comes out chaotic like my brain lol. I will experiment with meter and a more structured rhyme sceme though... Thanks for the comment!
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I myself don't tend to write in meter and structured rhyme, either. It's not my natural inclination. But I definitely HAVE written in the fixed forms...even a sestina once, which is not at all easy! However, I have found that, rather than limiting my creativity, fixed forms actually enhance it. When you can't do anything you want to, you become much pickier about finding the exact word, the exact phrase. It's oddly freeing to have boundaries in that way.
Hope you enjoy the structure experiment as much as I have in the past!
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this is the feeling I have when I hear music that touches my soul. I agree with the rhyming thing. Um, I kept trying to find a rhyme scheme but there was none, and that would be fine if you're intent is to create chaos, like you speak of. I do enjoy it spoken, better than written out. I could have asked for a bit more punctuation, which would have defined your phrasing and flow even more. I do like this a lot though, a whole lot. Out of curiousity, were you listening to a piano piece when you wrote this?
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Yes, more punctuation is probably what this poem needs...I wanted to communicate how I felt each time I listened to beautiful piano music...Yeah, I was listening to Frederic Chopin when I wrote this, who is my absolute favorite composer. Thanks for the comment~!!!
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i agree with Yaanon, yet the rest were great.
nice pauses near the middle. and the slow down at the end is superb
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A lovely idea, though some of your rhymes are a bit forced.
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oOo I've read this one before... it's vividly captivating... very sensual, very Nastassia.
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