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Description
Rain.

It cries in my hearts like it rains on the city. I hate the rain. I hated it. It which falls in small or large drops and which reminds you at every downpour the despair you feel and which become every day more and more present in your life, until it destroys you. I always hated the rain, unlike him who adored it. He loved to observe it when it fell forcefully or calmy on the city, or even sometimes he walked underneath it and when he returned back home, he was soaked to the bones.

I loved him. With a strong and sincere love. But this love have so much blinded me that I had not noticed that he was playing with me. I have noticed it too late. I had believed in his brands of tenderness, in his caresses, in his kisses, and everything else that proves you that the beloved person shares your feelings. I made a huge mistake to believe in all this. And realize myself that he was only playing with me, was the beginning of my descent into hell.

One day, he had suddenly put a large distance between us. At first, I did not understand why he behaved like this. And when I think again about it, even today, a bitter smile takes shape on my lips. He avoided me, rarely spoke to me and if he spoke to me it was always words of a violence which I did not know from him that came out of his tender mouth. Words are always worse than blows, right ? I did not seize what happened to him, him who made me understand that he loved me more than a simple friend and a few minutes after, he behaved with me as if I was the worst disease that could exist. How do you think I act with him after that ?

I also took my distance. To think a bit to all of this, of him, of me. Maybe he was the wrong person ? Maybe we were not meant to be together ? And the more I thought about it, the more I noticed that my feelings for him did not change at all. This little game between us lasted a few weeks. I began to lose hope. I needed him, his arms, his smell and his words to be able to smile again.

One day, he came back to me naturally as if nothing had happened. This day, he took me in his arms and whispered me his abject lies, once again I believed in it. Everything began as at the beginning : caresses, kisses, sweet words,... And I, fool that I was, I forgave him. Second error. The first one was to fall in love with him. Every day was the same old story : he asked me for my forgiveness after countless kisses, and I never ceased to give him this forgiveness which he wanted so much.

But one more time, he walked away, hurting me even more. Did I do something wrong this time ? Was it my fault ? I needed answers. I was tired of always believing that I was guilty of its distance ! But perhaps this day should I not have had ask him the question whose answer seemed to me quite different from that the one he gave me.

"With you it's always the same thing. Just be a little too nice with you so that you believe that we love you."

I could not bear to listen to him more and ran away. This day, it had rained, just like today. It is at this point that I started to hate him although I still love him. It hurts so much to realize they only play with you and your feelings. That they treat you like an ordinary wooden puppet. That the person you love is only a manipulative and takes much fun to see you suffer.

Today, I no longer trust anyone except my closest friends. They tried to get me back on my feet but even with their help I'm not better. I feel unable to do it. And I'm scared. I fear to be used again, that they play again with me, that they take advantages of my naivety like he told me. Scared to fall even lower. So I do nothing, I let the life pass over me and despair overcome me gradually. I have hit bottom, and nobody can help me.

How long am I sitting on this low wall ? An hour ? Two hours ? Maybe more ? I do not know. I only remember being ran away from Ruki's home when he told me that I was better without him. It was clumsy from him, but he just wanted to cheer me up, nothing more. I think they must be looking for me under this heavy rain. I feel that it despise me, that it told me "You have what you deserve. Neither more nor less." I can not stand it anymore. Sometimes, I think that if I had not known him, my life would not be like that today. Bullshit.

Maybe I should go home now. I'm soaked from head to feet and the wind began to rise. And once home, what would I do ? I have enough to spend my time locked at my home to cry all the tears of my body, I'm tired to pour so many tears every time I pass the step of my door. I'm tired, and yet if I go home, I could not stop myself from crying again and again, like every day since it's over between us for good. But, was there only a "we" one day ? In my heart, a small part hope even if this "we" did not really exist. Huh ? The rain has stopped falling. But then, why do I see it fall upon on the city and my body ?

"Ruwa, come. Don't stay in the rain, you're going to be ill."

I will recognize this voice among a thousand. Deep and yet gentle at the same time. Aoi. He found me once again. Whenever I ran away this way, he is the only to find me. I do not know why, but it is always him. To believe that he is the only one to know where I am in these moments.

Taking the hand he held out to me in mine, I found myself under the shelter of his umbrella and there I could not stop my tears from falling once more on my hollow cheeks. I have enough of it, please someone stop this pain, I can not stand it anymore ! I would want to shout how it hurts but my voice remains stubbornly stuck in my throat. I am unable to call for help. Nobody can help me, I am condemned to live as well.

"Come here Ruwa. Calm down it's over, I'm here."

My head in the crook of his neck, I let my tears fall to their desire and let me wrap up by his arms and his reassuring and soothing words. Words whispered quietly in my ear to soften me and to stop my painful tears. Aoi knew which words to use and with which tone of voice to pronounce. Since my "break", there was only him who was able to calm me during my crying fits. Not even Ruki, Reita or Kai succeeded, they always had to call Aoi to calm me down. Him and only him. And that lasted for one year.

"I'll take you home, okay ? You're completely frozen."

Go home. Yes, it seems to be a good idea. And once at home, I will go hide under my sheets and will fall asleep with the hope of not wake me up in this nightmare. I would like to sleep a dreamless sleep and wake me up with a smile. A genuine smile and not one that I offer them. That one it's only made of lies and hypocrisy. I can no longer smile as before. Could I learn again to smile of good heart ? On the way back, Aoi had to calm my tears several times. To believe that the source of my tears will never dry up. It seems eternal, like the memories that create them.

I did not hear anymore the rain fall on the umbrella and did not feel the wind seep under my simple t-shirt. I was dry, warm, in front of a door that Aoi hastily opened. I followed him inside by automatism, my mind seemed to be somewhere else, somewhere where nobody could bother me. Taking me by my hand, Aoi entailed me into stairs then in a room full of blue and white. A bathroom. But this is not my home, I know very well this place but it is not my home.

"You'll take a shower, it will warm you, okay ? You know where the towels and everything you need are, but if you need help, just call me."

"Yes."

"I'll bring you dry clothes."

And he went out, leaving me alone with my reflection. See it disgusted me, for some reason I ignored, it disgusted me. With his machiavellian smile, his dark eyes, it scared me. It was not me. I did not recognize the person who was on the mirror. I did not know who she was. Undressing quickly, I took a towel and placed it near the shower before going in it and let the water pour on my body. A warmth envelopped me and I felt so good under the water, despite the tears which began to flow again without my agreement. Tears cold as ice which mixed with the water. And once again I thought about him. Him who I love so much and who is the cause of my current condition. I hate him as much as I love him.

Going out of my cocoon of warmth, I wrapped myself in the towel and wiped quickly the tears still present on my cheeks when I heard a shy "Can I come in ?". I granted him his intrusion and Aoi placed the clothes on a small wooden cabinet before advancing to me.

"Are you okay ?"

"Yes... Don't worry."

He is not fooled, he sees that I still cried. But he said nothing and contented himself with caressing my cheeks tenderly before exiting. I lied, and to lie to him hurts me. Even though he knows that what I said about my condition are lies, I am hurt whenever these words go out of my mouth. He who gives so much trouble to help me, I to thank him I lie to him. And it hurts.

Drying me and dressing me quickly, I left the bathroom and went downstairs looking timidly for Aoi. I found him after a few seconds in the kitchen, back against the dishwasher, a cup of tea in his hands. Noiselessly, I entered the room and sat in front of of him, wrists resting on my knees, head bowed. I heard him laid his cup still smoldering on the table and knelt down in front of me taking my hands in his own and gently stroking their backs with his thumbs.

"Ruwa look at me please."

"Why ?"

"Look at me, that's all I ask."

I did so and then saw on his face one of his sweetest smiles and the most reassuring. My eyes stung, again and always, and he saw it. He knows that I'm hurt, that the pain has never subsided, that it grows stronger and burns me from the inside.

"Cry if you want it, cry if it can relieve yourself. There are only we two here, you don't have to feel ashamed of tears."

"I don't want you to pity me."

"It's not pity that I feel when I see you in this condition but anger. Anger against him and you know it. You knew what I thought about him, I warned you ! But you don't listened to me and look where you're now. Look at the condition you're in by his fault ! I'd like you to finally react, that you retake control of your life and stop giving up ! Believe me, you're not on the brink of the abyss, you can get up again."

"Please... shut up... Said no more... about all... about all this..."

Tears crushed on my hands and his, then in his neck when he took me against him. And I clung to him as I clung to a lifeline, to a thread, of fear of falling again and being alone again. Yes, he had warned me. He had seen that he was only playing with me but I was too blind to believe him. I did not listen to him and now it is my fault if I am in this condition. Only my fault. I should listen to him, the damages would have been much less important probably.

Several long minutes passed went by before my tears finally stop flowing, but I do not yet parted from Aoi. I remained a little against him and enjoyed his caresses in my hairs and on my back while also closing my eyes. I felt him slightly smile in my neck and then I tightened a little more the pressure exercised by my fingers on his t-shirt. A few more minutes went by, and then he went away from me a little and stroked my cheek while smiling at me.

"I'll make the dinner, you can go get some rest while waiting if you want."

"I... I'm not very hungry."

"Ruwa, you feed less and less. You'll end up having skin on bones if you keep this up. If you don't want to do for yourself, do it for me at least."

"I... I'll try. But i'd like to stay here with you, and watch you do it if I don't bother you."

"You don't bother me Ruwa !"

While he was cooking the dinner, we talked about everything and nothing, and I was surprised to feel sometimes a smile on my lips. Even though it was a small smile, Aoi managed to make me smile again. And I was happy. Very happy. We dined in silence, exchanging occasionally glances and small smiles that made me blush slightly. I do not know why I reacted like this, but I felt good in presence of Aoi. Much better than before. The urge to cry was not as present as before, of course it was still here, tears still came to my eyes but it's as if I could now control their streams.

We spent the rest of the evening watching a movie and I think I fell asleep in the middle of it, against Aoi. It has been now a good ten minutes that I woke up in his bed, alone, and unable to fall asleep again. I guess that Aoi had to take the couch. So I decided to get up and calmly as possible went downstairs in the lounge. He was there lying on the couch, one arm under his head, and the gaze dived into the ceiling. He too could not sleep, though it is very late now.

"Aoi ?"

"Ruwa, what are you doing up ?"

"I cannot get back to sleep." I confessed shyly.

"Come here."

I walked to him and took a seat by his side under the blanket, hugging me a little against him. Aoi put his arms behind my back and put his forehead against mine, playing absently with a few locks of my hair.

"So, you couldn't no longer sleep."

"Yes, I woke up and saw that I was alone, I went downstairs to see if you were asleep."

"What would you have done if I was sleeping ?"

"I would have awakened you." I confess naturally.

"Really ?!"

"Of course."

"If you say it like that."

And without that I did not expect, he threw me on the back and sat astride on my hips. I knew what he would do, when he said this sentence it was every time done for me. I cried unto him by my eyes of not doing what I thought but I had for an answer just a smile full of sadism. And before I could say anything, he ran his hands under my top and began to tickle me. I laughed loudly, begging him to stop this torture but he did not hear it that way and continued to tickle me longer. When he stopped, my breathing was choppy and my belly was very painful.

"Next time, you'll think twice before trying to wake me up."

"Yes... I promise !"

After telling me this warning, he lay down again beside me and opened me his arms. My gaze was dived into his and I was no longer able to detach myself from the darkness of his two orbs. His fingers stroked my cheek and then my neck and he offered me once again one of his smiles.

I do not know who made the first step, but our lips were sealed into a soft and shy kiss. I saw him blush a little when our lips separated themselves and after having smile to him, he continued to kiss my lips stronger. They search and played together for long moments. His tongue caressed shyly my lower lip in a mute request and while passing my hand on his neck I opened my mouth slightly, giving him the access. But suddenly, he separated himself from me a few minutes later.

"I'm sorry Ruwa, I shouldn't have done this."

"It's me Aoi, I apologize..."

"Stop it you have nothing to reproach yourself ! You're just not ready for another relationship."

"Excuse-me..."

"Stop it ! I... I think we should sleep now."

He put the blanket which had slipped on the floor, on my body, while he stood up and went to the armchair. Why did he left me alone now ? Was he avoiding me only because he kissed me ? I did not want him to leaves me too. Aoi was my everything, my big brother, my confidant. It was with him that I had my first hangover, him who gave me my first kiss when we were teenagers, him who wiped my tears at my first heartbreak. We always were so close, and it is true that I had feelings for him a few years ago... I do not want to lose him ! But I am afraid. I am afraid to realize that he too is just playing with my feelings. I am afraid to love Aoi as strong as I loved him.

I then asked him, while whispering , to come near me, that I did not want him to go away from me. He hesitated a few moment before rejoin me under the blanket and take me in his arms, whispering me that he was sorry to have acted this way. Me, I tightened him as hard as I could, and closing my eyes, I inspired long before daring to speak.

"Aoi, you also believe that it is enough to be too kind with me so I think somebody loves me ?"

"Whenever you ask me this question I answer you the same thing. Even now I'm gonna say no. He told you that only to put you down and remove any trust in people you had. Don't believe that, okay ? Ever."

"Yes, thank you Aoi."

After these few words, I run my arms around his body and fell asleep shortly after, under his caresses in my hairs.

Two weeks passed, two weeks during which I did not go home. Aoi did not want me to be alone lest I make any mistake. Two weeks to think about Aoi and me, two weeks where we were much closer since this night in the lounge. Kisses were exchanged, caresses were done, we almost skidded several time but each time I tensed up and I realized the situation. And the fear came back. I want to love again, without fear. And I think that Aoi can help me to get back on my feet, to have trust again without frighten. I have thought a lot about it and Aoi reassured me so much after my fits of crying.

"I'm back home Ruwa !"

He is back from his work. I rushed to the entry and leaving my fears aside, I kissed him
passionately. When our lips separated themselves, red tinted my face and he looked at me lovingly while touching softly my cheeks with his slim fingers.

"I... Ao... you... love... I... Shit !"

"Calm down honey and let me know without stuttering."

"I love you."

A new smile, a new kiss which became more languorous, caresses, sweet words whispered in the hollow of the ear, clothes scattered on the floor, a door slamming, crumpled sheets, sighs of pleasure, the name of the beloved one whispered countless times, caresses more pronounced, screams of ecstasy, an "I love you", a reciprocity. This night, Aoi taught me to love and be loved in return of a sincere love.

Several days have passed since that night. Aoi finally asked me to move in with him. Of course, I agreed. Today I am happy with the man I love and who relearned me to live. There are no more tears, no more distress, no more lies. With Aoi's help I ran away from this abyss of pain that I could not escape.

Today it is raining, as strong as the day he found me sitting on the low wall. I hate the rain, I always hated it. And I hate it as much as I love him.

Description
Rain.

It cries in my hearts like it rains on the city. I hate the rain. I hated it. It which falls in small or large drops and which reminds you at every downpour the despair you feel and which become every day more and more present in your life, until it destroys you. I always hated the rain, unlike him who adored it. He loved to observe it when it fell forcefully or calmy on the city, or even sometimes he walked underneath it and when he returned back home, he was soaked to the bones.

I loved him. With a strong and sincere love. But this love have so much blinded me that I had not noticed that he was playing with me. I have noticed it too late. I had believed in his brands of tenderness, in his caresses, in his kisses, and everything else that proves you that the beloved person shares your feelings. I made a huge mistake to believe in all this. And realize myself that he was only playing with me, was the beginning of my descent into hell.

One day, he had suddenly put a large distance between us. At first, I did not understand why he behaved like this. And when I think again about it, even today, a bitter smile takes shape on my lips. He avoided me, rarely spoke to me and if he spoke to me it was always words of a violence which I did not know from him that came out of his tender mouth. Words are always worse than blows, right ? I did not seize what happened to him, him who made me understand that he loved me more than a simple friend and a few minutes after, he behaved with me as if I was the worst disease that could exist. How do you think I act with him after that ?

I also took my distance. To think a bit to all of this, of him, of me. Maybe he was the wrong person ? Maybe we were not meant to be together ? And the more I thought about it, the more I noticed that my feelings for him did not change at all. This little game between us lasted a few weeks. I began to lose hope. I needed him, his arms, his smell and his words to be able to smile again.

One day, he came back to me naturally as if nothing had happened. This day, he took me in his arms and whispered me his abject lies, once again I believed in it. Everything began as at the beginning : caresses, kisses, sweet words,... And I, fool that I was, I forgave him. Second error. The first one was to fall in love with him. Every day was the same old story : he asked me for my forgiveness after countless kisses, and I never ceased to give him this forgiveness which he wanted so much.

But one more time, he walked away, hurting me even more. Did I do something wrong this time ? Was it my fault ? I needed answers. I was tired of always believing that I was guilty of its distance ! But perhaps this day should I not have had ask him the question whose answer seemed to me quite different from that the one he gave me.

"With you it's always the same thing. Just be a little too nice with you so that you believe that we love you."

I could not bear to listen to him more and ran away. This day, it had rained, just like today. It is at this point that I started to hate him although I still love him. It hurts so much to realize they only play with you and your feelings. That they treat you like an ordinary wooden puppet. That the person you love is only a manipulative and takes much fun to see you suffer.

Today, I no longer trust anyone except my closest friends. They tried to get me back on my feet but even with their help I'm not better. I feel unable to do it. And I'm scared. I fear to be used again, that they play again with me, that they take advantages of my naivety like he told me. Scared to fall even lower. So I do nothing, I let the life pass over me and despair overcome me gradually. I have hit bottom, and nobody can help me.

How long am I sitting on this low wall ? An hour ? Two hours ? Maybe more ? I do not know. I only remember being ran away from Ruki's home when he told me that I was better without him. It was clumsy from him, but he just wanted to cheer me up, nothing more. I think they must be looking for me under this heavy rain. I feel that it despise me, that it told me "You have what you deserve. Neither more nor less." I can not stand it anymore. Sometimes, I think that if I had not known him, my life would not be like that today. Bullshit.

Maybe I should go home now. I'm soaked from head to feet and the wind began to rise. And once home, what would I do ? I have enough to spend my time locked at my home to cry all the tears of my body, I'm tired to pour so many tears every time I pass the step of my door. I'm tired, and yet if I go home, I could not stop myself from crying again and again, like every day since it's over between us for good. But, was there only a "we" one day ? In my heart, a small part hope even if this "we" did not really exist. Huh ? The rain has stopped falling. But then, why do I see it fall upon on the city and my body ?

"Ruwa, come. Don't stay in the rain, you're going to be ill."

I will recognize this voice among a thousand. Deep and yet gentle at the same time. Aoi. He found me once again. Whenever I ran away this way, he is the only to find me. I do not know why, but it is always him. To believe that he is the only one to know where I am in these moments.

Taking the hand he held out to me in mine, I found myself under the shelter of his umbrella and there I could not stop my tears from falling once more on my hollow cheeks. I have enough of it, please someone stop this pain, I can not stand it anymore ! I would want to shout how it hurts but my voice remains stubbornly stuck in my throat. I am unable to call for help. Nobody can help me, I am condemned to live as well.

"Come here Ruwa. Calm down it's over, I'm here."

My head in the crook of his neck, I let my tears fall to their desire and let me wrap up by his arms and his reassuring and soothing words. Words whispered quietly in my ear to soften me and to stop my painful tears. Aoi knew which words to use and with which tone of voice to pronounce. Since my "break", there was only him who was able to calm me during my crying fits. Not even Ruki, Reita or Kai succeeded, they always had to call Aoi to calm me down. Him and only him. And that lasted for one year.

"I'll take you home, okay ? You're completely frozen."

Go home. Yes, it seems to be a good idea. And once at home, I will go hide under my sheets and will fall asleep with the hope of not wake me up in this nightmare. I would like to sleep a dreamless sleep and wake me up with a smile. A genuine smile and not one that I offer them. That one it's only made of lies and hypocrisy. I can no longer smile as before. Could I learn again to smile of good heart ? On the way back, Aoi had to calm my tears several times. To believe that the source of my tears will never dry up. It seems eternal, like the memories that create them.

I did not hear anymore the rain fall on the umbrella and did not feel the wind seep under my simple t-shirt. I was dry, warm, in front of a door that Aoi hastily opened. I followed him inside by automatism, my mind seemed to be somewhere else, somewhere where nobody could bother me. Taking me by my hand, Aoi entailed me into stairs then in a room full of blue and white. A bathroom. But this is not my home, I know very well this place but it is not my home.

"You'll take a shower, it will warm you, okay ? You know where the towels and everything you need are, but if you need help, just call me."

"Yes."

"I'll bring you dry clothes."

And he went out, leaving me alone with my reflection. See it disgusted me, for some reason I ignored, it disgusted me. With his machiavellian smile, his dark eyes, it scared me. It was not me. I did not recognize the person who was on the mirror. I did not know who she was. Undressing quickly, I took a towel and placed it near the shower before going in it and let the water pour on my body. A warmth envelopped me and I felt so good under the water, despite the tears which began to flow again without my agreement. Tears cold as ice which mixed with the water. And once again I thought about him. Him who I love so much and who is the cause of my current condition. I hate him as much as I love him.

Going out of my cocoon of warmth, I wrapped myself in the towel and wiped quickly the tears still present on my cheeks when I heard a shy "Can I come in ?". I granted him his intrusion and Aoi placed the clothes on a small wooden cabinet before advancing to me.

"Are you okay ?"

"Yes... Don't worry."

He is not fooled, he sees that I still cried. But he said nothing and contented himself with caressing my cheeks tenderly before exiting. I lied, and to lie to him hurts me. Even though he knows that what I said about my condition are lies, I am hurt whenever these words go out of my mouth. He who gives so much trouble to help me, I to thank him I lie to him. And it hurts.

Drying me and dressing me quickly, I left the bathroom and went downstairs looking timidly for Aoi. I found him after a few seconds in the kitchen, back against the dishwasher, a cup of tea in his hands. Noiselessly, I entered the room and sat in front of of him, wrists resting on my knees, head bowed. I heard him laid his cup still smoldering on the table and knelt down in front of me taking my hands in his own and gently stroking their backs with his thumbs.

"Ruwa look at me please."

"Why ?"

"Look at me, that's all I ask."

I did so and then saw on his face one of his sweetest smiles and the most reassuring. My eyes stung, again and always, and he saw it. He knows that I'm hurt, that the pain has never subsided, that it grows stronger and burns me from the inside.

"Cry if you want it, cry if it can relieve yourself. There are only we two here, you don't have to feel ashamed of tears."

"I don't want you to pity me."

"It's not pity that I feel when I see you in this condition but anger. Anger against him and you know it. You knew what I thought about him, I warned you ! But you don't listened to me and look where you're now. Look at the condition you're in by his fault ! I'd like you to finally react, that you retake control of your life and stop giving up ! Believe me, you're not on the brink of the abyss, you can get up again."

"Please... shut up... Said no more... about all... about all this..."

Tears crushed on my hands and his, then in his neck when he took me against him. And I clung to him as I clung to a lifeline, to a thread, of fear of falling again and being alone again. Yes, he had warned me. He had seen that he was only playing with me but I was too blind to believe him. I did not listen to him and now it is my fault if I am in this condition. Only my fault. I should listen to him, the damages would have been much less important probably.

Several long minutes passed went by before my tears finally stop flowing, but I do not yet parted from Aoi. I remained a little against him and enjoyed his caresses in my hairs and on my back while also closing my eyes. I felt him slightly smile in my neck and then I tightened a little more the pressure exercised by my fingers on his t-shirt. A few more minutes went by, and then he went away from me a little and stroked my cheek while smiling at me.

"I'll make the dinner, you can go get some rest while waiting if you want."

"I... I'm not very hungry."

"Ruwa, you feed less and less. You'll end up having skin on bones if you keep this up. If you don't want to do for yourself, do it for me at least."

"I... I'll try. But i'd like to stay here with you, and watch you do it if I don't bother you."

"You don't bother me Ruwa !"

While he was cooking the dinner, we talked about everything and nothing, and I was surprised to feel sometimes a smile on my lips. Even though it was a small smile, Aoi managed to make me smile again. And I was happy. Very happy. We dined in silence, exchanging occasionally glances and small smiles that made me blush slightly. I do not know why I reacted like this, but I felt good in presence of Aoi. Much better than before. The urge to cry was not as present as before, of course it was still here, tears still came to my eyes but it's as if I could now control their streams.

We spent the rest of the evening watching a movie and I think I fell asleep in the middle of it, against Aoi. It has been now a good ten minutes that I woke up in his bed, alone, and unable to fall asleep again. I guess that Aoi had to take the couch. So I decided to get up and calmly as possible went downstairs in the lounge. He was there lying on the couch, one arm under his head, and the gaze dived into the ceiling. He too could not sleep, though it is very late now.

"Aoi ?"

"Ruwa, what are you doing up ?"

"I cannot get back to sleep." I confessed shyly.

"Come here."

I walked to him and took a seat by his side under the blanket, hugging me a little against him. Aoi put his arms behind my back and put his forehead against mine, playing absently with a few locks of my hair.

"So, you couldn't no longer sleep."

"Yes, I woke up and saw that I was alone, I went downstairs to see if you were asleep."

"What would you have done if I was sleeping ?"

"I would have awakened you." I confess naturally.

"Really ?!"

"Of course."

"If you say it like that."

And without that I did not expect, he threw me on the back and sat astride on my hips. I knew what he would do, when he said this sentence it was every time done for me. I cried unto him by my eyes of not doing what I thought but I had for an answer just a smile full of sadism. And before I could say anything, he ran his hands under my top and began to tickle me. I laughed loudly, begging him to stop this torture but he did not hear it that way and continued to tickle me longer. When he stopped, my breathing was choppy and my belly was very painful.

"Next time, you'll think twice before trying to wake me up."

"Yes... I promise !"

After telling me this warning, he lay down again beside me and opened me his arms. My gaze was dived into his and I was no longer able to detach myself from the darkness of his two orbs. His fingers stroked my cheek and then my neck and he offered me once again one of his smiles.

I do not know who made the first step, but our lips were sealed into a soft and shy kiss. I saw him blush a little when our lips separated themselves and after having smile to him, he continued to kiss my lips stronger. They search and played together for long moments. His tongue caressed shyly my lower lip in a mute request and while passing my hand on his neck I opened my mouth slightly, giving him the access. But suddenly, he separated himself from me a few minutes later.

"I'm sorry Ruwa, I shouldn't have done this."

"It's me Aoi, I apologize..."

"Stop it you have nothing to reproach yourself ! You're just not ready for another relationship."

"Excuse-me..."

"Stop it ! I... I think we should sleep now."

He put the blanket which had slipped on the floor, on my body, while he stood up and went to the armchair. Why did he left me alone now ? Was he avoiding me only because he kissed me ? I did not want him to leaves me too. Aoi was my everything, my big brother, my confidant. It was with him that I had my first hangover, him who gave me my first kiss when we were teenagers, him who wiped my tears at my first heartbreak. We always were so close, and it is true that I had feelings for him a few years ago... I do not want to lose him ! But I am afraid. I am afraid to realize that he too is just playing with my feelings. I am afraid to love Aoi as strong as I loved him.

I then asked him, while whispering , to come near me, that I did not want him to go away from me. He hesitated a few moment before rejoin me under the blanket and take me in his arms, whispering me that he was sorry to have acted this way. Me, I tightened him as hard as I could, and closing my eyes, I inspired long before daring to speak.

"Aoi, you also believe that it is enough to be too kind with me so I think somebody loves me ?"

"Whenever you ask me this question I answer you the same thing. Even now I'm gonna say no. He told you that only to put you down and remove any trust in people you had. Don't believe that, okay ? Ever."

"Yes, thank you Aoi."

After these few words, I run my arms around his body and fell asleep shortly after, under his caresses in my hairs.

Two weeks passed, two weeks during which I did not go home. Aoi did not want me to be alone lest I make any mistake. Two weeks to think about Aoi and me, two weeks where we were much closer since this night in the lounge. Kisses were exchanged, caresses were done, we almost skidded several time but each time I tensed up and I realized the situation. And the fear came back. I want to love again, without fear. And I think that Aoi can help me to get back on my feet, to have trust again without frighten. I have thought a lot about it and Aoi reassured me so much after my fits of crying.

"I'm back home Ruwa !"

He is back from his work. I rushed to the entry and leaving my fears aside, I kissed him
passionately. When our lips separated themselves, red tinted my face and he looked at me lovingly while touching softly my cheeks with his slim fingers.

"I... Ao... you... love... I... Shit !"

"Calm down honey and let me know without stuttering."

"I love you."

A new smile, a new kiss which became more languorous, caresses, sweet words whispered in the hollow of the ear, clothes scattered on the floor, a door slamming, crumpled sheets, sighs of pleasure, the name of the beloved one whispered countless times, caresses more pronounced, screams of ecstasy, an "I love you", a reciprocity. This night, Aoi taught me to love and be loved in return of a sincere love.

Several days have passed since that night. Aoi finally asked me to move in with him. Of course, I agreed. Today I am happy with the man I love and who relearned me to live. There are no more tears, no more distress, no more lies. With Aoi's help I ran away from this abyss of pain that I could not escape.

Today it is raining, as strong as the day he found me sitting on the low wall. I hate the rain, I always hated it. And I hate it as much as I love him.