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Description
I can't sleep.

His body is chilled, so I'm using a small blanket.

Close your eyes

He didn't open his.

I was just laying there, in the cage of his arms, thinking about everything, about my job , about different places in America like Alaska and Florida, about my annoying cousin who was visiting for the next few weeks. I had bad cramps and a migraine. But I wasn't distracted by this slight pain. It had been nearly three nights since I had slept more than 3 hours. The way I saw it, I only ever wake up between 5 and 7, regardless of the time I fall asleep. I have to be in bed falling asleep by 10 at the latest, or else I don't sleep until 2 or 3. I'd get so tired and stressed I'd through fits, I'd walk around the house in the pitch black night, moonlight gathering on any smooth glossy surface, and I'd do what I called "pranks". I'd hide silver ware, fill unused cups with liquid while they were still in the cupboard, leave every cupboard, drawer, or door wide open.

Sometimes I'd try to exercise, or read a dictionary, to force myself into a subconscious stupor so that my mind would rest, if only for an hour. I'd listen to ambient music while I ransacked the house for painkillers or sleeping pills, or anything even that could give me that placebo effect. I had a few of my anti anxiety meds left, but you had to take them for a week straight to even begin feeling the effect.

I pulled my phone out of the waist band of my underwear, which was wear I usually tucked it for safe keeping. I checked for texts. I had one from Sarah. I don't know when she sent it, so I decided to wait to respond until morning.

Who is it?

Sarah. You know, she's going to Sante Fe for her birthday.

Is she taking Emma?

The inquiry came at me like he had brandished his fist to strike.

I think she's going by herself. She's getting a tattoo.

He was silent for a moment.

So, what's the deal with them?

They're happy.

I smiled up at him. He groaned and rolled over. The smile slid off my face like wet mud crawling down a clean wall.

It's not just that simple.

Why not?

They're probably fucking already, again.

I don't want to hear that out of you.

I closed my eyes slowly, spreading my palm over my forehead slowly. I swung my legs over the bed.

Where are you going?

My voice cracked with the words that followed. At times I was screaming, sometimes my voice pleaded. But I was mostly sad.

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. I just want to sleep. I have a job coming up. I have people to impress. I have things to do. I just want to get out of here. I want to go live where there is lots of tortoises. I want to listen to music and go to sleep at night. That's all I want. I just want to take care of tortoises forever. If you're going to keep bringing all this bullshit, complete bullshit, then I might as well die. I might as well get rid of it. I just want to live. If having them and not you means I'm lonely and happy, and having you means I'm not lonely and unhappy, I'm going to choose them.

You can't choose them. You can't leave me.

Fuck, Andrew. I'm so done. I'm done being sad. I'm done ruining the good things I have. I'm fixing myself, because it's time. If you're not going to change, I will not come back to you. I will leave you.

He was standing up now as well. We were yelling, but it was late, everyone was deep into sleep. I heard dogs barking from the nearby houses, I heard a single car alarm that would not go seem to stop. I knew if we cranked the volume up a notch or two, there'd be fists flying in a moment. I had to end it quick. Before I went too far, before he went too far. My heart hurt.

A lot of people will say that the heart doesn't control emotion. It's the brain. Of course, this is true. But you don't get a headache when the person you love won't kiss you. When you yearn for something, or at least when I do, I feel it in my chest and arms and knee caps. I felt it right now. When I looked at my Andrew, blind with anger, I remembered the way we spoke when we first met. We walked together all the time, he constantly strayed out of my sight or seemed to hover just outside my peripheral vision. He told me jokes and all the beautiful ways to dance and stories. He shared the family with me. And I felt I really did belong for a while. I always felt safe with him. My heart hurt, when I thought of these things. I thought about how happy I was with him, and how I was going to have to ask him to leave for ever. It made the area about my elbows ache. My knee caps seemed to slide down my shins.

You have to go.

He didn't say anything for a long time either. He stared me down, unblinking, sometimes, his mouth would twitch as though he were about to say something, but no sound came out. Part of me hoped he was thinking what I had been thinking. Maybe he would let go, maybe he would change with me, and be happy with me, and stay with me. But deep down in my heart, I felt that if I was going to stay happy, I had to move on, alone.

I don't want to. But I will, for you. Because you love me. And I love you.

My heart seemed to drop, then shoot back up into my throat. Tears came up in my eyes immediately. I tried futilely to swallow my heart back down into its place, but it wouldn't move. Sick with sudden grief, I crawled into bed.

Just go then. I don't need you anymore.

I closed my eyes tightly and wrapped myself in my blanket.

He quietly laid down next to me. He gently brushed his knuckles against my cheek.

I'm sorry I broke Sarah's gift.

I happened to be looking at it, even as he said that. I had flipped it around so I wouldn't have to look at its unfinished ugliness. On the back, Andrew and I had signed, Alaska or bust, love always, Kait and Andrew.
I grabbed his hand and held it tightly in mine.

I wrote our imperfections in the sand.

I carved you soul out of wood.

So I'm left with the shavings, huh?

He let out a relaxed laugh, and I managed to squeak out a wet chuckle.

My eyes were heavy. I curled and relaxed my toes to stay awake. He put his finger tips over my eyelids and closed them. I trembled.

Hey, he cajoled, If you want to see the sun, you're going to have to toast a few vampires.

My only love, my sweet monstrosity.

When I woke up, I woke up cold, and very much alone.

Description
I can't sleep.

His body is chilled, so I'm using a small blanket.

Close your eyes

He didn't open his.

I was just laying there, in the cage of his arms, thinking about everything, about my job , about different places in America like Alaska and Florida, about my annoying cousin who was visiting for the next few weeks. I had bad cramps and a migraine. But I wasn't distracted by this slight pain. It had been nearly three nights since I had slept more than 3 hours. The way I saw it, I only ever wake up between 5 and 7, regardless of the time I fall asleep. I have to be in bed falling asleep by 10 at the latest, or else I don't sleep until 2 or 3. I'd get so tired and stressed I'd through fits, I'd walk around the house in the pitch black night, moonlight gathering on any smooth glossy surface, and I'd do what I called "pranks". I'd hide silver ware, fill unused cups with liquid while they were still in the cupboard, leave every cupboard, drawer, or door wide open.

Sometimes I'd try to exercise, or read a dictionary, to force myself into a subconscious stupor so that my mind would rest, if only for an hour. I'd listen to ambient music while I ransacked the house for painkillers or sleeping pills, or anything even that could give me that placebo effect. I had a few of my anti anxiety meds left, but you had to take them for a week straight to even begin feeling the effect.

I pulled my phone out of the waist band of my underwear, which was wear I usually tucked it for safe keeping. I checked for texts. I had one from Sarah. I don't know when she sent it, so I decided to wait to respond until morning.

Who is it?

Sarah. You know, she's going to Sante Fe for her birthday.

Is she taking Emma?

The inquiry came at me like he had brandished his fist to strike.

I think she's going by herself. She's getting a tattoo.

He was silent for a moment.

So, what's the deal with them?

They're happy.

I smiled up at him. He groaned and rolled over. The smile slid off my face like wet mud crawling down a clean wall.

It's not just that simple.

Why not?

They're probably fucking already, again.

I don't want to hear that out of you.

I closed my eyes slowly, spreading my palm over my forehead slowly. I swung my legs over the bed.

Where are you going?

My voice cracked with the words that followed. At times I was screaming, sometimes my voice pleaded. But I was mostly sad.

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. I just want to sleep. I have a job coming up. I have people to impress. I have things to do. I just want to get out of here. I want to go live where there is lots of tortoises. I want to listen to music and go to sleep at night. That's all I want. I just want to take care of tortoises forever. If you're going to keep bringing all this bullshit, complete bullshit, then I might as well die. I might as well get rid of it. I just want to live. If having them and not you means I'm lonely and happy, and having you means I'm not lonely and unhappy, I'm going to choose them.

You can't choose them. You can't leave me.

Fuck, Andrew. I'm so done. I'm done being sad. I'm done ruining the good things I have. I'm fixing myself, because it's time. If you're not going to change, I will not come back to you. I will leave you.

He was standing up now as well. We were yelling, but it was late, everyone was deep into sleep. I heard dogs barking from the nearby houses, I heard a single car alarm that would not go seem to stop. I knew if we cranked the volume up a notch or two, there'd be fists flying in a moment. I had to end it quick. Before I went too far, before he went too far. My heart hurt.

A lot of people will say that the heart doesn't control emotion. It's the brain. Of course, this is true. But you don't get a headache when the person you love won't kiss you. When you yearn for something, or at least when I do, I feel it in my chest and arms and knee caps. I felt it right now. When I looked at my Andrew, blind with anger, I remembered the way we spoke when we first met. We walked together all the time, he constantly strayed out of my sight or seemed to hover just outside my peripheral vision. He told me jokes and all the beautiful ways to dance and stories. He shared the family with me. And I felt I really did belong for a while. I always felt safe with him. My heart hurt, when I thought of these things. I thought about how happy I was with him, and how I was going to have to ask him to leave for ever. It made the area about my elbows ache. My knee caps seemed to slide down my shins.

You have to go.

He didn't say anything for a long time either. He stared me down, unblinking, sometimes, his mouth would twitch as though he were about to say something, but no sound came out. Part of me hoped he was thinking what I had been thinking. Maybe he would let go, maybe he would change with me, and be happy with me, and stay with me. But deep down in my heart, I felt that if I was going to stay happy, I had to move on, alone.

I don't want to. But I will, for you. Because you love me. And I love you.

My heart seemed to drop, then shoot back up into my throat. Tears came up in my eyes immediately. I tried futilely to swallow my heart back down into its place, but it wouldn't move. Sick with sudden grief, I crawled into bed.

Just go then. I don't need you anymore.

I closed my eyes tightly and wrapped myself in my blanket.

He quietly laid down next to me. He gently brushed his knuckles against my cheek.

I'm sorry I broke Sarah's gift.

I happened to be looking at it, even as he said that. I had flipped it around so I wouldn't have to look at its unfinished ugliness. On the back, Andrew and I had signed, Alaska or bust, love always, Kait and Andrew.
I grabbed his hand and held it tightly in mine.

I wrote our imperfections in the sand.

I carved you soul out of wood.

So I'm left with the shavings, huh?

He let out a relaxed laugh, and I managed to squeak out a wet chuckle.

My eyes were heavy. I curled and relaxed my toes to stay awake. He put his finger tips over my eyelids and closed them. I trembled.

Hey, he cajoled, If you want to see the sun, you're going to have to toast a few vampires.

My only love, my sweet monstrosity.

When I woke up, I woke up cold, and very much alone.