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'My Dearest Lydia,

It has occured to me that it has been a little more than 2 years since I last beheld your smiling face…'

She’d pause, the ink pooling slightly in this place, but soon started once more.

'2 years is just a drip of water in the proverbial well of our nearly eternal existence, but how I have felt every moment without you by my side.

I have many regrets, my love. Every one of them has you somehow embroiled in them. Tangled in the threads from my deception. The gravest error, however. My biggest transgression was leaving you to grieve in solitude. It was my injured ego and shredded pride that sent me from your side. It was not my place to assume how you would or should mourn your husband’s untimely departure from us, but I had never thought that you would shed tears or take up a widow’s shroud so readily. Was it for the sake of our reputation, Lydia? I never knew. Was it perhaps that in those moments alone with him that you fell in love?...’

Her quill-hand clenched and she ground her teeth as a flare of anger spiked through her. Soon after it dissipated into nothing but sadness. Resting her face in her hand, she forced herself to continue.

‘I forgive..’

“No. No.” Xelaci said between clenched teeth, her hands crumpling up the paper that she had been writing on. She tossed it into a pile of similarly destroyed letters on the ground and stood to pace. Shoving her hair from her face, the vampire hissed out in anger and kicked the side of her desk, lashing out at the other parchment on her desk. However, she’d eventually take her seat once more as she tried to catch her breath, eyes darting over the grooves now embedded in the wood before her. Swallowing back her emotions the best she could, she leaned down to pick up one of the fallen papers. Shaking fingers smoothed it out while the other hand plucked up the quill once more to inscribe upon this new fresh sheet.

`My Dearest Lydia,

I have written nearly 50 letters to you since my untimely departure. I do not ever expect you will be able to read them. It had been cathartic in a way, maddening in another to attempt to work through these feelings on my own.

How does one truly move on in a healthy way from the utter betrayal of their fated love marrying a monster?...

A stretch of words, I admit, my love.. I, too, am a monster as I dispatched of him soon after your nuptials. It was a mistake on my part.. And I apologize with all of my being, Lydia. I should have killed him before he had the chance to propose.

I ardently believe the death of my heart did not happen that night within the forest when I was attacked, it was far before then.

You were a vision, that night... On your wedding day, Deliciae. So exquisite, a beacon of beauty and happiness as I drowned before you in avarice. That was the day, I recall, that I lost my heart to darkness… You see, it was only a matter of time then that I would become this.
Become Xelaci.

I bided my time. I awaited when my brother would return to my room and when I could, I exacted every bit of revenge that I could with my frail hands. And then I cried… I cried for him, Lydia. For 3 centuries I was subjected to more pain and torment than one could imagine, more than many could endure and yet I mourned for my captor. I felt lost without him. I still do… In the corner of my mind, it feels as though that he is with me and in my nightmares, he visits me to continue his sick torture. In the end, Lydia.. I will never be free, but you are.

I hope that this letter never does reach you. You deserved better than any thing that I could offer.

My penance is that I will never see you again, I believe. The mansion was abandoned last I checked, you had fled and I retrieved the old letters that you wrote to me. I read them often and as I do, I can almost hear your voice. My Dearest Alice, you would write…’

Lifting her hand up to her face, Xela wiped tears that began to fall onto the page. A small sniffle and she continued to write.

‘Oh, Lydia, what would you say if you could see me now? I am no longer the woman you held and kissed and loved. I am nothing like your Alice anymore…

I hope that you are well. I hope you are somewhere safe and happy. I, too, will try to find happiness. But I fear.. I can never forgive myself.

Your devoted but grieved,

Alise Von Vorona

Xelaci, LXXII’

Her quill was lowered then, her fingers folding and unfolding the corner as she continued to sniffle. This one, she would keep. Rubbing at her own arms to calm herself, she’d get up and find an ornate wooden box that was tucked beneath her bed. Opening the lowest dresser, she pulled out a stack of enveloped letters and stroked her fingers over the edges- counting each one. She had said 50, it was more. It felt like too many or far too less than she should have written.

It was a ritual now. She'd pick up the new one and place it in an envelope, placing a seal on the flap as well as filling out the front before she pressed a kiss to the top corner. After all of that, she stowed it away with the others and pressed the box to her chest. Xela closed her eyes to hold back more tears.

This lost love was a part of her just like the pain she had endured and it was becoming apparent that it may never leave her. Maybe it was just another component that made her a nobody...

Description

'My Dearest Lydia,

It has occured to me that it has been a little more than 2 years since I last beheld your smiling face…'

She’d pause, the ink pooling slightly in this place, but soon started once more.

'2 years is just a drip of water in the proverbial well of our nearly eternal existence, but how I have felt every moment without you by my side.

I have many regrets, my love. Every one of them has you somehow embroiled in them. Tangled in the threads from my deception. The gravest error, however. My biggest transgression was leaving you to grieve in solitude. It was my injured ego and shredded pride that sent me from your side. It was not my place to assume how you would or should mourn your husband’s untimely departure from us, but I had never thought that you would shed tears or take up a widow’s shroud so readily. Was it for the sake of our reputation, Lydia? I never knew. Was it perhaps that in those moments alone with him that you fell in love?...’

Her quill-hand clenched and she ground her teeth as a flare of anger spiked through her. Soon after it dissipated into nothing but sadness. Resting her face in her hand, she forced herself to continue.

‘I forgive..’

“No. No.” Xelaci said between clenched teeth, her hands crumpling up the paper that she had been writing on. She tossed it into a pile of similarly destroyed letters on the ground and stood to pace. Shoving her hair from her face, the vampire hissed out in anger and kicked the side of her desk, lashing out at the other parchment on her desk. However, she’d eventually take her seat once more as she tried to catch her breath, eyes darting over the grooves now embedded in the wood before her. Swallowing back her emotions the best she could, she leaned down to pick up one of the fallen papers. Shaking fingers smoothed it out while the other hand plucked up the quill once more to inscribe upon this new fresh sheet.

`My Dearest Lydia,

I have written nearly 50 letters to you since my untimely departure. I do not ever expect you will be able to read them. It had been cathartic in a way, maddening in another to attempt to work through these feelings on my own.

How does one truly move on in a healthy way from the utter betrayal of their fated love marrying a monster?...

A stretch of words, I admit, my love.. I, too, am a monster as I dispatched of him soon after your nuptials. It was a mistake on my part.. And I apologize with all of my being, Lydia. I should have killed him before he had the chance to propose.

I ardently believe the death of my heart did not happen that night within the forest when I was attacked, it was far before then.

You were a vision, that night... On your wedding day, Deliciae. So exquisite, a beacon of beauty and happiness as I drowned before you in avarice. That was the day, I recall, that I lost my heart to darkness… You see, it was only a matter of time then that I would become this.
Become Xelaci.

I bided my time. I awaited when my brother would return to my room and when I could, I exacted every bit of revenge that I could with my frail hands. And then I cried… I cried for him, Lydia. For 3 centuries I was subjected to more pain and torment than one could imagine, more than many could endure and yet I mourned for my captor. I felt lost without him. I still do… In the corner of my mind, it feels as though that he is with me and in my nightmares, he visits me to continue his sick torture. In the end, Lydia.. I will never be free, but you are.

I hope that this letter never does reach you. You deserved better than any thing that I could offer.

My penance is that I will never see you again, I believe. The mansion was abandoned last I checked, you had fled and I retrieved the old letters that you wrote to me. I read them often and as I do, I can almost hear your voice. My Dearest Alice, you would write…’

Lifting her hand up to her face, Xela wiped tears that began to fall onto the page. A small sniffle and she continued to write.

‘Oh, Lydia, what would you say if you could see me now? I am no longer the woman you held and kissed and loved. I am nothing like your Alice anymore…

I hope that you are well. I hope you are somewhere safe and happy. I, too, will try to find happiness. But I fear.. I can never forgive myself.

Your devoted but grieved,

Alise Von Vorona

Xelaci, LXXII’

Her quill was lowered then, her fingers folding and unfolding the corner as she continued to sniffle. This one, she would keep. Rubbing at her own arms to calm herself, she’d get up and find an ornate wooden box that was tucked beneath her bed. Opening the lowest dresser, she pulled out a stack of enveloped letters and stroked her fingers over the edges- counting each one. She had said 50, it was more. It felt like too many or far too less than she should have written.

It was a ritual now. She'd pick up the new one and place it in an envelope, placing a seal on the flap as well as filling out the front before she pressed a kiss to the top corner. After all of that, she stowed it away with the others and pressed the box to her chest. Xela closed her eyes to hold back more tears.

This lost love was a part of her just like the pain she had endured and it was becoming apparent that it may never leave her. Maybe it was just another component that made her a nobody...