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sunshinegypsy — poem untitled
Published: 2009-11-18 03:34:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 235; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 5
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Description
minds do not break,usually
or wander away
lost
but sometimes take a sabbatical
to the West Coast,
spend too much money in
rummage shops
and breathe the unclean air, the ocean,
seaweed-dark,
dreaming of the world
lit up,
writing a poem about the way someone touches your neck once
and that hand is there forever,
orchestrating a death, 3/4 time,
missing a beat,
painting a box for the ashes,
leaving no note
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Comments: 11
Compelling in a haunting sense. You have a way with phrases that stimulate my imagination. This really is beautiful in a nostalgic way.
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Wow, thank you. I wanted to write a poem about the way your memories get all jumbled sometimes and can't find their way out.
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Only critique I'd have for this is that there are so many commas, and they're not all necessary. The line breaks create enough pause, I believe, without using so much punctuation. It would help it flow better. Sweet little piece.
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That is actually very helpful. I used to write with no punctuation, so I'm still a bit clumsy with it.
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I'm glad it is. I have a bit of a passion for punctuation, so I tend to focus on that quite a bit when I read pieces, especially poetry. When you're still learning where to put it, I think of a few different things, primarily: where you would naturally insert a pause should you read a piece aloud. That alone has gotten me through a great deal of poems. :]
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Well, I went back and tried reading it aloud and ditched some of the weirder ones. 
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That's much better. :] A lot of writers do the same. Punctuation is just one of those things we all have to step back and think about.
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It's so much more straightforward in prose, but poetry becomes this.... other language. I'm glad I could improve.
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The light of your words shine through the sadness of a wonderful poem.
I wish you a very happy day.
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