superbleach [2010-05-03 18:22:56 +0000 UTC]

My heart
this is the new version 2.0

Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom
What is that sound
Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom
It is my heart
The pounding organ beneath my flesh
That thing that gives me life
Flowing my blood through out this corpse
But it is more then what you think so what is it
It is the fist pounding in the air
The drums bashing in every song
The constant fireworks exploding in are minds
And it is the passion we all need in life
Because it is the think that gives us the push life
Because it is the fuel for the cannon we can’t see
And it is the thing that lets us be
It is the boom at the end of a guns shot
And are bodies are the bullet with so much power
And are minds are the trigger we forget we have
And are life are this trajectory
Traveling at this unstoppable velocity
With no one there to stop are hops
With no one capable a crushing are dreams
Now this is are life are passions and dreams
And know we can show society what it all means
Because we are making are dreams realty
This is the next generation young and free
And we can all change this world cant you see
And it is all because of the boom we all start with
The pounding organ beneath our flesh
That thing that give us life
It is the fist pounding in the air
The drums bashing in every song
The constant fireworks exploding in are minds
And it is the never ending music of the soul.

Ba boom, Ba boom, Ba boom
What is that sound
Ba boom, Ba boom
It is a heart
Ba Boom
And it’s mine

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

HemoHemoNoMi [2010-05-03 04:26:07 +0000 UTC]

Gotta get that, Gotta get that, Gotta get that,

Gotta get that Boom Boom Boom! Gotta get that Boom Boom Boom! Gotta get that Boom Boom Boom!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Caity-Kitten [2010-05-03 04:24:39 +0000 UTC]

hhmm I think you should change teh "boom boom boom boom" part so we can visualize it as aheart beat. We usually hear it in a certain rythm like "boom boom, pause, boom boom," you could show this by line breaks, or a comma after every two. As well you could have a different accent on each "boom" "ba boom, ba boom ba boom" To give more imgary, rather than "boom boom boom boom" which doesn't give teh reader much to work with. I also would suggest using more punctuation, playing around with your line breaks (a line doesn't ahve to end a phrase, don't be afraid to keep going). Try gving us more imagery in lines like "Fireworks exploding" when we hear the word fireowkrs we automatically thinkg "exploding" so give more detail, is it a big explosion, are there lots? You've used some good words though, there were some very strong uses of languange, now you just need to add more adjectives and adverbs to "show it" rather than "tell it"

👍: 0 ⏩: 1