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Description
      The wind was perfect. The air a little nippy by the water but what did I expect at 8 A.M. The river is beautiful. The waves lapping the shore. How I wish I could have gotten free of my clothes and just dive in. That was impossible though. Not only was it a public beach it was also still winter. The water would have frozen me in an instant even with the warmer, almost spring-like weather that morning. The walk on the beach was the perfect thing though. Cleared my head and calmed me down as I sung to my favorite songs.
      I went back up to the church yard shortly after I had walked the whole stretch of the public part of the beach. I put my blanket in the car, it was considerably warmer on the cliff. I walk to the little playground. I wish that I could swin but with the rain from last night everything was still soaked. Instead I climbed on some of the little kids playground things and sang some more. I made it like a music video, in my head. I probably looked crazy to anyone looking upon me singing and dancing. I couldn't help it though. I just felt it in my heart and I had to sing it out.
      Giving every word emotion, and damn near crying some of the times. Church was starting soon after I sang the two songs multiple times each. I walked in and many more people had shown up in my absence of only ten or twenty minutes. There were some new faces too from last time I'd decided to show my face and prove my existence. I guess it had been about three maybe even four months since I'd been. It was overwhelming. Like I was returning home after being on a journey. Which was true to some degree.
      I was on a soul search. I am almost evryday it seems now. I've never been this unsure of myself. But after Tori left my life, or rather we left each others lives I had to re-think everything I'd known. I was in such a depressed stupor right after that I didn't dare show my face at church. I was afraid of probing questions. I was afraid of my inability to abolish pronouns to explain what was wrong. I couldn't let them know, they had to stay in the dark for my families sake. They couldn't find out and put a blaming eye on my family for my outcome.
      My denomination is the most gay-friendly denomination of christianity. We even have a lesbian bishop. But still, my family does not see it as a blessing for me to figure out that I like girls. To them it is a curse. I am a curse. I guess I always have been. I was abused when I was younger. I was a thief. I didn't have any friends. It only got worse from there. I had the strongest urge to be different from everyone else. Probably because I was never the same, could never be the same. Whats funny is there were so many signs. My dad pointed them all out. I didn't think anything of them. But when I discovered the truth, and then I told him he acted all surprised.
      He refused to believe at first. Then he called it a phase. Now he still deludes himself that I am bisexual. I'm not bisexual dad. I haven't been for a while. I just said bisexual because coming out gay right off the bat was too different. Too scary. I had to get used to the realization that I liked girls. I dreamed about girls. Not just friendly dreams either. Holding hands. Having lips upon lips. Breast upon breast. Being pleasured by a girl. Getting close both physically and mentally. At first it scared me. I went to church and prayed for guidance. Only more dreams came. I couldn't change my feelings. My attraction to my best friend. My want, no not just want but need to protect her. Eventually when I told her I'd lost her friendship.
      I creeped her out. It hurt, to lose her not only the feelings I had for her but her friendship too. I went to church still. Praying for guidance still. So confused over why me, why now even. I had just woken up over my first depression. Just getting back into life and then I'm thrown another loop-hole. Going to church to ask for guidance becomes a chore. I don't want to feel bad because I love girls. I decide not to but my parents still won't accept it. I left the church off and on after I came out. Mostly just a week, maybe two week break. I had my girlfriends, most of them I only saw in school. We had our breakups and our heartbreaks. But I'd always go back to church. It was my home away from home. The parishionars would help hold me up when I wasn't strong enough to hold myself.
      But something after Tori broke me. The depression that I fought with in nineth grade was coming back. Everyday was a fight to be happy. She was in my every thought during the day. In all my dreams at night. I missed her, I cursed the world for pulling us apart. My families tension. My clingy-ness because I was afraid she'd dissappear. My overactive sex drive. We drifted apart in only a couple days as she asked for her space. There was a wall built up between us as we tried to shield ourselves from being shattered if it didn't work out. The walls kept us apart and tore us down until we couldn't take it anymore.
      Two people who had never been more in love the week before were splitting apart. She still is in my thoughts often, at least one everyday. As reluctant as I am to admit it I still care for her deeply because in truth I believe I always will. I'm so grateful for my girl Emma. She is helping me so much just by sticking by my side. I am growing stronger everyday. Some days are still a struggle. Without her I don't think I would have returned to church anytime soon.
      The service, though ordinary in everyway, was seen in a whole new light. I felt like I was home again. I was welcomed back. Many people told me they missed me. I cried at least twice. I had missed that feeling of contentment that church had brought. Of feeling needed and appreciated. I left church and went to work in a better mood than most days.
      The day went by slow, even though work was busy. I had an over-all good mood for the day even though there were points where I got so aggrivated I wanted to cuss somebody out. I really missed Emma. I got in a mood where I just wished we were together. Not doing anything specifically. I just wanted to feel her aura. To just sit with her, maybe in an embrace and just stay like that for a while. Maybe then I wouldn't have been so melancholy.

Description
      The wind was perfect. The air a little nippy by the water but what did I expect at 8 A.M. The river is beautiful. The waves lapping the shore. How I wish I could have gotten free of my clothes and just dive in. That was impossible though. Not only was it a public beach it was also still winter. The water would have frozen me in an instant even with the warmer, almost spring-like weather that morning. The walk on the beach was the perfect thing though. Cleared my head and calmed me down as I sung to my favorite songs.
      I went back up to the church yard shortly after I had walked the whole stretch of the public part of the beach. I put my blanket in the car, it was considerably warmer on the cliff. I walk to the little playground. I wish that I could swin but with the rain from last night everything was still soaked. Instead I climbed on some of the little kids playground things and sang some more. I made it like a music video, in my head. I probably looked crazy to anyone looking upon me singing and dancing. I couldn't help it though. I just felt it in my heart and I had to sing it out.
      Giving every word emotion, and damn near crying some of the times. Church was starting soon after I sang the two songs multiple times each. I walked in and many more people had shown up in my absence of only ten or twenty minutes. There were some new faces too from last time I'd decided to show my face and prove my existence. I guess it had been about three maybe even four months since I'd been. It was overwhelming. Like I was returning home after being on a journey. Which was true to some degree.
      I was on a soul search. I am almost evryday it seems now. I've never been this unsure of myself. But after Tori left my life, or rather we left each others lives I had to re-think everything I'd known. I was in such a depressed stupor right after that I didn't dare show my face at church. I was afraid of probing questions. I was afraid of my inability to abolish pronouns to explain what was wrong. I couldn't let them know, they had to stay in the dark for my families sake. They couldn't find out and put a blaming eye on my family for my outcome.
      My denomination is the most gay-friendly denomination of christianity. We even have a lesbian bishop. But still, my family does not see it as a blessing for me to figure out that I like girls. To them it is a curse. I am a curse. I guess I always have been. I was abused when I was younger. I was a thief. I didn't have any friends. It only got worse from there. I had the strongest urge to be different from everyone else. Probably because I was never the same, could never be the same. Whats funny is there were so many signs. My dad pointed them all out. I didn't think anything of them. But when I discovered the truth, and then I told him he acted all surprised.
      He refused to believe at first. Then he called it a phase. Now he still deludes himself that I am bisexual. I'm not bisexual dad. I haven't been for a while. I just said bisexual because coming out gay right off the bat was too different. Too scary. I had to get used to the realization that I liked girls. I dreamed about girls. Not just friendly dreams either. Holding hands. Having lips upon lips. Breast upon breast. Being pleasured by a girl. Getting close both physically and mentally. At first it scared me. I went to church and prayed for guidance. Only more dreams came. I couldn't change my feelings. My attraction to my best friend. My want, no not just want but need to protect her. Eventually when I told her I'd lost her friendship.
      I creeped her out. It hurt, to lose her not only the feelings I had for her but her friendship too. I went to church still. Praying for guidance still. So confused over why me, why now even. I had just woken up over my first depression. Just getting back into life and then I'm thrown another loop-hole. Going to church to ask for guidance becomes a chore. I don't want to feel bad because I love girls. I decide not to but my parents still won't accept it. I left the church off and on after I came out. Mostly just a week, maybe two week break. I had my girlfriends, most of them I only saw in school. We had our breakups and our heartbreaks. But I'd always go back to church. It was my home away from home. The parishionars would help hold me up when I wasn't strong enough to hold myself.
      But something after Tori broke me. The depression that I fought with in nineth grade was coming back. Everyday was a fight to be happy. She was in my every thought during the day. In all my dreams at night. I missed her, I cursed the world for pulling us apart. My families tension. My clingy-ness because I was afraid she'd dissappear. My overactive sex drive. We drifted apart in only a couple days as she asked for her space. There was a wall built up between us as we tried to shield ourselves from being shattered if it didn't work out. The walls kept us apart and tore us down until we couldn't take it anymore.
      Two people who had never been more in love the week before were splitting apart. She still is in my thoughts often, at least one everyday. As reluctant as I am to admit it I still care for her deeply because in truth I believe I always will. I'm so grateful for my girl Emma. She is helping me so much just by sticking by my side. I am growing stronger everyday. Some days are still a struggle. Without her I don't think I would have returned to church anytime soon.
      The service, though ordinary in everyway, was seen in a whole new light. I felt like I was home again. I was welcomed back. Many people told me they missed me. I cried at least twice. I had missed that feeling of contentment that church had brought. Of feeling needed and appreciated. I left church and went to work in a better mood than most days.
      The day went by slow, even though work was busy. I had an over-all good mood for the day even though there were points where I got so aggrivated I wanted to cuss somebody out. I really missed Emma. I got in a mood where I just wished we were together. Not doing anything specifically. I just wanted to feel her aura. To just sit with her, maybe in an embrace and just stay like that for a while. Maybe then I wouldn't have been so melancholy.