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Brave Face
A/N: So, there are a few things I'd like to say before you read this. My first idea for this story came when Jacob told Bella that he knew it was possible to love two people at the same time (on Eclipse, I guess). Anyway, a few others things in the books helped me built this concept of Sam. First was the fact that he thinks that imprinting is just a way to perpetuate the species, second the way Jacob says that he's the only one to see Leah as she truly is (a beautiful girl who has been hurt) and third was something Bella said in Breaking Dawn. She said that her love for Jacob was just a human weakness.
After that I came up with a concept: Since Sam doesn't see imprinting as magic, maybe, unlike quil and jared he does have a mind of his own and it's not a 100 happy with his situation (althought I'd like to say I hold nothing against Emily whatsoever) and - unlike Bella that's completely not a human anymore- he still fights against his "human's weakness".
So, after putting this and that together, I wrote this huuuge one shot that a first I thought it was SO SAD - but now I just think it sucks big time. ha-ha. So forgive me if you hate it - I guess I was in my PMS when I wrote it - and please let me know if there is any obnoxious grammar or English mistakes, ok?
And for the people reading My Beloved Monster, I'm really sorry for the delay, but I got caught up on this fic listening to a thousand sad songs as I wrote it.
Brave Face
I'd imprinted. The thought of that should have been enough. But I guess life would never get tired of testing me and so – just as my soul and body – my love was restless.
"So, do I look like a cotton candy to you?" She said smiling and turning around so I could check on her light yellow dress. I ignored the lump growing in my throat by swallowing the strong coffee in my cup.
Sometimes I wondered if it wouldn't be easier if she'd just stopped talking to me. It's was even harder being around her now that she seemed to accept everything. The smile she held on her face – as if glued to her lips – made me think that the girl I once called girlfriend was now dead somewhere inside that woman's body.
That outrageously beautiful woman's body.
"Sam, please, don't stare at me like this. I'm already feeling weird enough." Her voice brought me back to earth. She could never be rude to me, never. Her love was too strong. She sat next to me at the kitchen table.
It was ironic how I'd never been more aware of her feelings than now that we were no longer a couple. Back in the old days, I would usually get insecure over Leah. She was, after all, too beautiful to even look at me – everybody else wanted her: the guys at school, the men that couldn't take their eyes out of her at Port Angeles and even some of my friends here at La Push. Still she only had eyes for me. She craved me.
Sounds conceited, but it's simply painful. 'Cause I just knew how intense her feelings were – I knew it because I could hear them.
I heard her heart racing as I chuckled bitterly at the thought. She was just as mine as she was on the day I first kissed her. I chuckled again and she glared at me – possibly thinking I was laughing at her bridesmaid dress.
If this was another time, another world even, I would have kissed her, tell her how beautiful she was and she'd flush. That was my reason for chuckling in the first place: I doubted even Harry or Sue Clearwater ever thought of their daughter as the blushing type.
For three and a half years I dated this woman and not once she had not blushed after I kissed her. A girly version of her that nobody else knew about – anyone else but me. I fought the urge to stroke her hair. I couldn't, we had to be strong. – I had to be strong- otherwise she would keep hoping for things to change as I knew she did.
She stared at her own cup of coffee, her long wavy hair covering her features – her heart raced again – she was fighting her urges too.
"Lee-lee…" I started.
"Stop." She stood up "I don't wanna hear it. It's not your fault. You fell in love with someone else, it happens! Don't apologize."
Her hair smelled like the same shampoo she had always used – I was bewildered by memories for a second – She sobbed.
"The only thing I don't get is…" tears were now rolling down her face shamelessly. Leah never held a grudge over anything: she'd just be really pissed and speak her mind as much as she wanted, after that, everything would be fine again. But now, well, she never really gathered enough courage to tell me what was on her mind so I just felt like she was going to keep up with that 'till she exploded. "Why…" she took a deep breath. I didn't say a thing, I wasn't expecting that. "Why marrying her so fast? How can you be so sure she's that right for you? Don't you ever doubt that maybe…" she sobbed again, more and more frequently now, finally losing all composure.
Another deep breath, she now stared at her own shoes, her heart beating like she had ran a marathon, ashamed of losing control. When she finally rose her head there were no more signs of a previous weakness. Not even one shiny track of tears on her cheeks. She grinned. – the same grin she had been pretending to be a real smile for the last eight months – and took one of my hands on both of hers:
"You're happy now, Sam, you're so happy, you know?" I nodded guiltily. "And I'm fine if that's what you want." She paused for a second. "And I'm happy for Emily too, I am. Please, believe me, all right?"
I just nodded again.
"It sounds corny, I know, but I mean it: I'll be happy as long as you're. If you're smiling then that's what I'll do too. Uley, Uley…"she whispered my name in a singing voice, rocking my hand from one side to the other as she did it.
"I want you to be happy too, Leah…" Still rocking my hands, staring at them instead of looking into my eyes, she just shook her head and crocked a sad smile – this one a little more sincere than the others - I looked at her, confused:
"Am I allowed to disagree? I'm really making my best to hate you here, dude."
"Sure, you do as you wish…" I said sadly. Her smile broke and I could feel her hands shaking on mine, her whole body was trembling now.
"I gotta go, Sam." she didn't sound like she meant just leaving my place and I understood the undertone. She rocked my hand once again, this time with full strength, making me turn her around as if we were dancing "Will you unzip me please? I'm afraid my tears will ruin this beautiful dress and I don't want your fiancée… " She tried to sound casual but failed. "…to kill me, right?"
With her back turned to me, she pulled her hair up. I felt the softness of her skin beneath my fingertips while I slid my hands on the back of her dress. Even through the silk, I could feel her. Her smell made my heart sunk. I took a deep breath – my body shaking – we needed time away from each other more urgently than I had thought.
So – avoiding to look back – she entered the other room, where Emily and Sue had been the whole time, and I left the house without a word.
We didn't face each other for the next three months. We didn't exchange words, we didn't share the same places, it's was like neither of us existed.
But then, it happened.
When Harry died I knew it would be unavoidable – I'd have to face her sooner or later. So, when the funeral came, all I could wish for was that my human feelings had resigned once and for all and that I could just like Leah for what she really was: my best friend. I had imprinted, my soul mate was holding my hand at that right moment – crying over her dead uncle – and my whole organism pleaded for her to get better immediately. I lived for Emily and only for her; I had been born for her we were meant for each other. She was brought to this word just for me. That should settle things, right? That thought alone was already strong enough to kill any memories I had of my human feelings for Leah.
If only life was that easy.
Like fighting against a thick rubber shield my heart skipped several beats at the sight of her wearing black. She looked ill and alone, simply miserable.
But my vision of her was blurry – like she wasn't even there. Emily needed me and that was all I could think about. Nobody else in the world mattered in that moment.
But that was before I heard Sue's failing voice saying:
"Oh, Leah, please, look at you! You need to go home right now, you're burning I can see you're quivering from here! You're about to faint!"
I looked at Leah again – now with new eyes.
It wasn't possible – she was probably just shaken by her father's death. – There was nothing on the legends about a woman…It was simply impossible. That couldn't happen. Not to her of all people. Still, all the symptoms were there and as I put two and two together everything became clear. I kissed Emily and apologized for leaving.
She looked surprised and turned her head to face her cousin. She stared at her for a while – as if jealous – but then it clicked and her mouth turned in the shape of a perfect "o". She kissed me back and said:
"I'll find Billy and we will talk to Sue. It's ok for her to know now…" she stopped in the middle of her sentence. "Now that Uncle Harry passed away."
I grimaced. Emily was way too perfect to even exist.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too." She whispered with a weak smile. I felt Leah wince at this. Her senses were already getting stronger; we were running out of time.
"Leah, I'm taking you home."
"Hell No!" She cried out, shaking copiously–any minute now.
"Please, Leah." I always had to plead when it came to her. I looked at Sue:
"Mrs. Clearwater, you and Seth should go ahead now; there are people outside looking for you. They want to show their support. I'll take Leah home." I new that was a cold thing to say, but I was never really good at expressing feelings – or emotions whatsoever – not until I found my Emily. Before that I could only express love physically, I remembered wondering if that ever hurt Leah – or did she miss that?
Sue Clearwater didn't answer straight away. She just stared at me in disbelief for what seemed like a minute. She used to love me as a second son but ever since I had broken her daughter's heart there was a clear change in our relationship. It didn't bother me thought, I felt good knowing that at least someone blamed it on me – I wanted to feel as guilty as I should. I wanted Leah to hate me even more than her mother did.
Even though I knew everything was about to be explained, I could not bear the thought of forgiveness so I shook it off my head.
Finally Leah's mom decided it was best to care about her daughters physical health rather than worry about her shattered heart.
"Please, Sam!" She said. "Take her to a Hospital if that's the case! She's been burning for days now!" I nodded and turned around to face the fight. I was ready for an half an hour argument against Leah's stubbornness but it was not necessary. As soon as we were left alone she got tired of playing strong and fainted. Her body was collapsing. I took her home.
Leah's house, Leah's room, Leah's bed. How long had it been?
Everything looked the same – even the mess in her desk seemed built by the same books of more than a year ago. - My last time in this place, my last happy memory with her, only a few inches away from where I was standing now, just a regular couple talk:
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Marry me someday."
"Leah Uley sounds like an STD name, don't you think? I had sex with a guy I didn't know and now I got this lee-uley on my groin."
I chuckled without humor as I laid her on the bed. She tried to open her eyes as much as she could before giving up and shutting them again.
"Oh no." was the only thing she said.
"What? Are you in pain?" I asked worriedly putting my hand on her forehead. She wasn't burning, but she didn't feel cold against my touch either. I sighed – lost in grief over my best friend.
"You know I'm in pain, you moron." She said in a whisper, placing her hand on top of the one I held on her face. I could tell she had had said that same thing too many times before. "You know it and still… You won't leave me alone."
I realized now that she wasn't talking to me, not the real me at least; she thought I was a dream.
I felt my heart being torn inside out at the thought of this not being the first time she had dreamed about me standing there. She had tears on the corners of her eyes.
"Please, leave me." She begged in a whisper but pressed my hand stronger against her skin. She smiled. "I think I'm dying, Sam, 'cause you're becoming more and more real at each delusion, don't you think?"
I winced at this, but she kept smiling:
"Tell me, do you think you and me…Do you think that we could be together in heaven? When I die and stuff…"
"Leah…" her body started shaking again and she laughed bitterly.
"Oh yeah…Who am I to think you would want my company in heaven, right? You'll probably just wander around here as a lost spirit 'till Emily dies. You're a stubborn guy." She was definitely crying now – something I knew she wouldn't do in front of the real me.
"Leah, look at me!"
"Oh, don't try to bring me back tonight, Sam!" she said in a moaning voice, the one she used to use to get things from me and that brought me back some real unwanted memories of us in that room. "I don't mind if you don't want me in heaven too! At least I'll have dad…" she looked unconscious for a moment and then smirked "Do you think they'll let me down every now and then, though? I'd like to pull some tricks on Seth."
I really laughed this time. Leah adored Seth so much – in a very evil big sister sort of way of course – how could I possibly forget that? I had given up appearances for good now and decided to caress her hair – my human feelings were there – completely.
Her eyes popped open at once. She raised her body in a swift reaction:
"Sam? What the hell are you doing here?" She blushed and I knew it wasn't the fever's fault. I couldn't fight anything anymore, I was feeling weak and stupid, I was feeling guilty and I could not stand that – my fault. I held her close listening to her heartbeat, to her breathing stopping… I felt the tears making their way through my face. I wanted her to know it killed me too. Not in the same way, never in the same way – but death anyhow.
She didn't pull away as I knew she wouldn't. Leah wasn't the only one shaking now and I knew we had little time left. I tried my best to do what I had to. I was the alpha after all and the only reason for me to even be there at that moment was to help her - to help one of my siblings.
"Listen to me, Leah, promise me you will." I looked into her eyes as I held her face between my hands. I hadn't really thought that through so I came up with a million things to say but in the end all that came out was:
"How much do you like this dress you're wearing?" It was sort of a rhetorical question. I recognized the dress as soon as we left the funeral with her in my arms. She had used it in our prom night. A week before the party she had asked what was my favorite color and since I was going through a heavy metal phase I just said black. Ironic, I know.
A few weeks later I'd start feeling the very same symptoms she was now facing.
"I…I like it a lot." She mumbled and looked down to her body. She didn't question me. She never did. I sighed. What I was about to do was partly not right and partly completely wrong. But I had to. Or so I told myself.
I embraced her again, pulling her body close to mine as if trying to calm her down. My hands were now tracing lines on her back, looking for the buttons I knew were there. It wasn't the first time I had done that, but, this time, I knew it was the last so I went really slowly. Part of me wanted it to last.
The fabric was light and cold – even more against our skins – the buttons were delicate and I was not having a hard time with them. All my senses worked perfectly as I focused on my task; Leah's blood now racing to her head, her breathing was inconstant and her heart like a tambourine under my touch, the loud thuds consuming my pent-up emotions, turning them into longing and sorrow. I tried to think about Emily.
Emily, Emily, Emily…
It worked. Leah didn't dare to move a finger, and only a few seconds had passed us by; I started speaking:
"I want you to…" I said breathlessly, trying to ignore her skin shivering under mine. "I want you to remember the legends they always told us when we were kids. Do you think you can do that?"
I didn't have to see her face to know she looked confused. I heard a gasp and she laid her head on my shoulders, sweating.
"Leah, please, focus. I need you to this for me." I said trying to bring her from the shocked state I had thrown her into. She slowly opened her mouth, her hot breath on my neck, and started naming them:
"The spirit warriors…" she whispered in a failing voice and I slid my hand under the fabric of her dress, feeling her skin.
"Good girl." The smell of her hair took over me and I pressed her strongly against my chest. I slowly pushed down the sleeves of her outfit. "What else?"
"The third wife…" her voice was trailing off, losing her mind to the fever. Or maybe, I thought, to me. The upper part of her dress had now fallen completely and she put her arms heavily around my neck. Her breast felt unbearably hot against my shirt and I knew I should be undressing too, but I honestly didn't care about my suit as much as I did about my dignity as a leader. My hands made their way on her legs, getting to her shoes and taking them off. I felt horrible. I was actually enjoying that.
She only had her underwear now – she wasn't even wearing a bra – and I faced the scene. There we were, her arms around me, mine around hers, her legs on my lap, her head on my shoulders both of us sitting on the same bed we used to use not so long ago as a couple. I sighed again. This was different; this was the beginning of what wasn't supposed to happen. I caressed her head and patted her back, rocking her gently, I wasn't excited anymore – I shouldn't have been from the start anyway – I said:
"C'mon, Lee-lee, just one more…" my mouth was close to her ears when I spoke and with a scream of agony she carved her nails on my back as a new wave of pain took over her body.
Just a few seconds left. I could kiss her, I though. If I kissed her, things would go faster; it was all I had to do.
"The cold ones…" she opened her mouth once more. That was all I needed, all I had to do now was lay her down on her bed and phase myself. She was smart, she would get it. But when I was about to do it, she opened her eyes and hold my face with one of her hands. I wasn't expecting this. She was already stronger, so I couldn't move; anything could put me in danger. She didn't look angry though, her eyes showed me only realization as she said in a very low whisper:
"Imprinting…" our mouths were really close and we were both looking into each other's eyes. She pulled her face closer to mine, never losing eye contact. Everything she said sounded like an accusation:
"A love ruled by magic. A love with no way out. A mandatory love." She understood it all quicker than I had thought. We both phased.
Despair.
My first seconds locked inside her skin were filled by despair in every breath I took. For the first time since I had phased I was feeling everything. I had been there for Jared, and Paul, and Embry and Jake - I had felt their most intimate feelings and we shared them but this was different.
Controlling my feelings was the first lesson I learned from Old Quil Ateara. Since the moment I learned how to pretend and put on a straight face that had been the only thing I did. Even when I told Leah I was leaving her for her cousin, even when I attacked Emily, even then I had not let myself go far enough. I'm a leader. I'm supposed to be fair and controlled. All the time.
I taught this to all of my brothers – taught them about how they should be able to control their selves in even the most painful moments – right now I felt like a hypocrite.
But those weren't my feelings – those were hers. Mine were hidden – I had to protect her, she could be seriously hurt just by a glance of me and Emily together. It was my turn to lock myself to the world. When I was sure everything was safe I raised my head to face the first woman ever to become a shape-shifter.
Grey. The human inside me smiled sadly. Of course she'd be grey. Like stormy weather, like a heavy cloud, like a rainy day. Like everything that's no longer innocent, Leah's used to be white and pure, but now she had been maculated by the darkness of black. My darkness.
I thanked God for the rest of the pack being too busy at the funeral to even consider phasing. That first talk should be only us.
But she wasn't in the mood for talking, thought. Her fur was so long she couldn't even move. She'd have to cut her long hair. She growled at this, but I realized she wasn't focused on this point particularly - she was browsing my head for information.
The first thing was the imprint but she gave up quickly. Knowing the truth was enough for her – she wouldn't stand seeing Emily (or her) through my eyes. Not now.
After that, questions started to come up – none of us had been so calm on our first transformation - Leah started to ask all kinds of things and I answered politely until we finally hit the real point:
"You were hiding it from me..."
"I'm sorry, I had to. You were not supposed to know."
I felt her heart sunk as she assimilated.
"Oh, Sam! I said such awful things to you!"
"Leah, don't…" I could feel a new wave of pain as she remembered our last months together. She remembered the day I bumped into Emily and as the vision of the beautiful girl staring at me- a bit scared of my size – made my heart jump. Leah finally understood we were sharing each other's feelings too. Once that happened, everything went away. I felt blank and heavy inside – like I had no heart.
"You don't have to do this."
"It's ok! It's the best for all of us, right? No one needs to know anything. It won't be easy to hide, but that's what all of you do, isn't it? Besides, I bet this will be a lot easier to hide than my body." She thought a little bitterly. Immediately, our heads were filled by the images of me taking her clothes off just a few minutes earlier. She lost her breath and I've done my best to cover up my memories. She changed the subject:
"I'll have to cut my hair too…"
"Yes."
"Like when you asked me to cut yours, remember? I gave such a hard time back then. I did like the result, thought." She shrugged – which was quite funny considering she was a wolf - and we both laughed at the image of her holding a pair of scissors on her hands, pleading me to change my mind and then threatening to cut my ears off if I didn't give up the idea. The memory was so vivid I felt my heart beat stop for what seemed to be a whole minute. But I held everything back, we couldn't afford being weak or else this would become even more complicated. And we were already tangled.
From that moment on, lying became my number one sport. I could do it with my body language; I could it with my mouth, with my mind and even with my heart.
Every time Leah would phase I'd start lying. It wasn't hard – all I had to do was camouflage my feelings by remembering Paul's thoughts on her and making them mine. I could take that for a long while - even though it was like holding my breath under water sometimes - and as soon as she'd leave her wolf form, the act was over.
The rest of the pack, however, had to deal with what I felt: beautiful Leah, adorable Leah – dead inside because of me. They would never argue with me about that, of course. They also knew how I felt for Emily. But Jared once suggested I should give her an alpha order to forget about me and get a life.
Even if that worked, I couldn't bring myself the courage to do it – I would never humiliate her to that point. Her state was my fault and sometimes I couldn't really decide whose scars were deeper, Emily's or hers. They were my entire fault anyway, I'd think bitterly. As time passed by I became more and more aware of the mess I had left behind.
The guys hated being around her – she was tricky, bitter and ill-behaved – nobody felt safe inside her mind. And even though she had promised, her strength was giving in to her emotions. She'd see me in the boys' mind: a leader, a friend, an example and she'd be proud of me, she'd think: "I always knew you had it in you."
And I would have to fight the happiness growing in my chest and think about Emily.
Emily was proud too, Emily loved me, Emily wanted me, and Emily was the one holding me every night in bed. And I'd hoped she'd get hurt – hurt enough to give up – but I could feel her spirit smiling at me:
"Of course she does! She's your soul mate, that's how things are supposed to be." She'd think and I'd be impressed. It was like she was actually happy for me. "But I'm not your soul mate and I too think you're perfect. Doesn't this make me even more special?" She would let slip sometimes.
It was on a normal afternoon that she lost control for the first time. Leah was so good at hiding her feelings – turning them into unkindness was more like it – that she hardly had trouble controlling her phasing. But we were at Emily's house; it had been two months since she had first changed. Her hair was short and messy – just a little bit above her chin and I was so focused on Emily, I forgot Leah was there. We were at the kitchen, talking about the wedding. I was so happy when I saw Emily's face talking about the bouquet she had chosen as if it was the best thing in the world that I kissed her. The next thing I heard was the sound of clothes being torn apart.
When I entered the other room, Paul was shaking madly too – as usual – Jared had phased trying to calm the grey wolf standing in my fiancée's living room and Jake was screaming at me:
"How could you possibly forget she has extra powerful hearing now, jackass?"
That caught me completely off-guard and I simply couldn't think anymore. My first reaction was to jump in front of Emily whose heart was pounding so loud that I doubted even normal humans could hear it.
Seeing me protect her cousin seemed to make the trick – As the most controlled of us all, Leah phased back as soon as she realized what was going on, something that even I wasn't capable of until recently.
She stood naked in the living room, immediately, all the guys turned their faces away – I realized Embry took a little longer than the others – and Emily ran upstairs to get her some clothes. Unlike my brothers, I didn't turn my face. I should, but I didn't:
"I'm sorry." I said for what felt like the thousandth time that year and she rolled her eyes not bothering to cover her body from me.
"I don't care. It's not your fault! We've talked about this before." She said glumly staring at the point where Emily had disappeared, waiting for clothes. I wasn't able to look away until I heard steps coming down the stairs. And as much as I tried to shake the memory of her body away from my mind – I was unable. But this time, at least, I knew it wasn't my fault.
For weeks the guys only saw Leah's body over and over – teenagers, I figured. – Every time they thought they were alone. I even heard them calling me something like "lucky bastard" or something. When I woke up one night after a very awkward sex dream I decided I had to give them an alpha order to not think about her anymore. I knew it wouldn't work, but I had to try. It wasn't necessary though – She got to them first.
For three weeks, Leah watched gay porn – and by gay porn I mean hardcore man on man action – and she would think about it all the time.
Truth be told, I got a few kicks out of this, Leah was like my own little force of nature. She only stopped tormenting them when Seth joined the pack- she was too worried to even think about torture.
Seth forgave me easily when he understood what had happened to me. He was able to look at me as his hero again – of course I had to admit I didn't hold a candle to Jacob, though – but I now knew for certain that Leah had lost her hope. I didn't want her around anymore. She was a burden to everyone in the pack, she'd think. I couldn't hear these thoughts, she was good enough to hide them from the pack – but not from me, I knew her too well.
This entire "I don't care" attitude was an act I had watched way too many times in my life. So I felt it was right to check on Leah whenever I could, trying my best to hide my presence on her thoughts, keeping myself close enough to her house to hear what she was doing and far enough that she wouldn't hear my pace. It was against everything we had promised to each other, but then again, I thought bitterly, that wouldn't the first time I'd break a promise I'd made to her.
Watching her was the only way I found to keep myself from going insane – I worried about that woman 24/7. – Whenever I tried to let go, to move on completely and give her real space, let her be free I'd remember of Bella Swan.
The way I found Bella that day on the forest, after the Cullens left her behind…I used to dream about that. And I knew it wasn't about her, I knew who I truly saw in the woods that day. And it'd break my heart if I ever had to see Leah like that.
I made up little lies to excuse myself: she's family, it's my duty to take good care of her; she looks fragile, maybe she's sick, who knows?
When she first found out about her period, everyone was disgusted. Her despair growing and growing as she wondered what had happened – trying to figure if there was some magical way of her to be pregnant with my child, but day by day all her theories just became ridiculous delusions – as she once put on her own words – and she gave up for good.
I'm not even woman enough to be a mother. She howled in an ironical hysteria. No wonder I'm not your soul mate, Sam! But I guess we all saw that coming, right? It's not like I'm lucky or anything. – She thought in one of our patrols together. I didn't answer knowing that it would hurt her to do it - but I had no other options.
I'd hurt her until she forget me. I'd hurt her until the end. And so I did.
Until the day she left me.
When Jacob and Seth left us, I knew that was bound to happen. Honestly, I knew it would happen. I wondered, as soon as I assumed my human form, if she'd ever choose me in the end – maybe she was too scared to leave me, who knows?- I was a good alpha, right? I did my best, I used to be everything in her life, and how could she just run away from me?
But these were not the only questions in my head as I got dressed. I wondered if I, the human me, would be able to survive the distance, the lack of knowledge, the blank insecurity of not being a part of her mind. I stopped in front of her house - my favorite place in the world just a few months ago – and I watched the lights of her room being turned on, I watched her shadow and listened to her impatient pace from one side of the other. I heard the water of her shower, the noise of her cooking dinner; I closed my eyes and tried to imagine her doing everything in the exact corners she used to do. When I heard that she was cutting her hair, I knew it was about to happen.
The lights of her bedroom went off.
She walked slowly down the stairs.
The noise of drawers being opened and closed as if she was looking for something.
A note being written.
The front door opening.
"Lee-lee..." She looked up, alarmed to see me. "Don't do that."
I never thought it'd hurt that much. She started to undress slowly. I did the same thing. I knew everyone else was asleep and that would be our last talk:
Don't, please. She didn't answer, her whole mind was blank and, for a second, I thought she was already gone. And then, she opened her heart to me.
This wasn't about reasons - I thought as the feelings hit me in waves of pain - this could only be revenge. I don't know if she knew I had been pretending the whole time, but, if she did, she also knew exactly how to unlock the worst in me.
Her memories started from the day we first met:
"Good morning, Mrs. Uley!" A ten year old Leah said to my mother as she passed by my house (just three houses away from hers) on her pink bike.
"Oh, look, Sam! That's Harry Clearwater's daughter, Leah, why don't you go play with her?" Mom said and we both made sickened sounds with our mouths.
I didn't like girls.
She didn't like boys.
She skipped to our first day on freshmen year:
"Sam Uley!" She pulled my hair slightly. "I thought you were just too cool for school!" She leaned against my locker and not for a second I recognized the offensively beautiful girl in front of me. She rolled her eyes:
"Gee, Uley-boy, we're almost neighbors! You walk pass my house everyday!
"No, I don't!" I said offended. I would notice if that girl were my neighbor. She laughed loudly.
"If you don't even know where I live, how can you be so sure?"
When Leah laughed, throwing her head behind and touching my shoulder, I was lost forever.
I'd quit smoking, I'd give up rock'n'roll - I'd might even lose all of my fear of commitment caused by my father's lack of attention – I'd go to church every Sunday, if she needed. Whatever that woman asked me to.
I didn't know Leah's memory was so sharp – but maybe I was the one helping her – complementing her memories with my own perspective.
Our first kiss, I remembered the look she had on her face when she pulled my ponytail on our way home and said:
"Do I have to ask, Uley?" I was so confused I didn't know what to do. When I finally did, all her confidence went away. She blushed furiously.
"I had a crush on you since I was twelve and I'd watch you pass by my house with that arrogant expression you have." She thought, but didn't sound mad, just nostalgic. After that, things became a little more graphic. She was playing low now:
We were in the movies – doing things we weren't supposed to be doing until we were 18 – my hands in eight different places at the same time, whispers in my ear… I was sure my body was burning a little over 108º9'F now. I was already out of breath, but she hadn't had enough of her torture:
The unbearable love she felt as we lay down on my bed that first night we spent together and the way she touched my face in the morning to see if it wasn't a dream. She loved me too much, she was only sixteen and she already loved me for the rest of her life.
Nothing before Sam.
Nothing after Sam.
Memories became more vivid each turn of events as if she was looking the one that she knew it'd really hit me. After our first time, she came up with Valentine's Day, anniversaries, the day I sneaked up in her bedroom, the time we traveled alone to Seattle and so on. Sometimes – between the dirty little moments she was focusing on – she'd get lost in sweeter ones. Like the way I used to suffocate her every morning until she'd wake up, just to hear her screaming at me, or how we'd always plot something to scare Seth to death on Halloweens. It didn't matter what she decided to show me – it all hurt.
Begging for air, I asked for her to stop, but I was only half sincere in my request; she kept going. I knew we both needed that. A requiem to whatever we had ever had.
The scars her nails used to left me, the way she would easily surrender to me and talk between moans and purrs like a little cat – instead of the strong woman she was. The purple marks we'd both share every now and then after a night that went a little wilder than planed and how we used to hide our pain and laugh as we pressed our hands stronger together under the cafeteria table so that nobody would ever doubt of what we had been doing.
I loved Leah so badly. It took me by surprise to look at my feelings from the outside, to see the younger version of me smiling as her hair caressed my neck while she kissed my chest. Her hands grabbing me, longing for me, her voice turned into little gasps:
"Sam, Sam, Sam…"
And I'd lose myself inside her.
The strongest woman on earth acted like a little girl – melted and sweet – looking at me with attentive eyes, touching me like I could be the only thing in her whole world. A girly version of her that nobody else knew. – I remembered my own words.
For a moment, I thought she had ended. We seemed to have gone through our whole life together, so I wasn't surprised when everything stopped at once. But when I looked up at the grey wolf in front of me, it had a smile on its face. She had found it.
The memory she was looking for wasn't special at first glance, just a random memory, I thought. It all began when I came back from my disappearance after changing for the first time. It was like a prelude to what was about to come.
She opened the door and found me standing there in the rain. – It wasn't exactly as romantic as it sounds, it always raining in Washington. I thought she was gonna be mad at me, scream and shout and maybe put her whole life in danger. I should've known her better. For almost a month I had strayed from her, disappeared long enough for her to call the police and still, when she opened the door that morning, all she did was jump on me, putting her hands around my neck and crying.
"I was so worried!" – I felt like crying to. What if I ever hurt that girl? She seemed so small now. I thought back then. So little I knew. But as I heard her heart so close to mine I realized it didn't matter. Even if I was now a creature, an animal, even if I couldn't tell her the truth, it didn't matter. Not to her. For the first time in a long time, I felt human again. Everything had changed everything but her feelings for me.
So, there we were, three days after that, sitting on the floor of her living room, studying for our finals but I couldn't focus. First because now that I knew there were real blood suckers and that all legends were true, finals seemed like a very small deal to me. And second because ever since I had turned into a mythological creature my senses were way too strong. Strong enough for me to lose focus every time Leah touched her hair.
I could smell her scent easily, but I couldn't figure out what exactly what was it; I could hear heart pacing faster whenever she felt my eyes on her. Soon enough, she realized I wasn't really paying attention:
"We have to study." She said without looking up, she was such a nerd. "I'll make you coffee." She stood up and went to kitchen and I followed her. I found her pouring grains on the coffee machine by the kitchen counter.
I came from behind, taking small steps, enjoying every second of anticipation, and slowly took out the pin that was holding her hair up. The black waves crashed on me with their sweet scent that I could now easily recognize as wet grass and jasmines – she might had been outside, watering the plants before I got there. I heard her heart racing as I brought my nose closer to her neck:
"We need to study." She said firmly. I didn't say any thing; instead I just slid my finger over her arms without a word, grabbing her hands and getting rid of the spoon and the pack of grains she was holding. "Really, Sam, we've got to…"
But her voice failed and became a little wheeze. With the back of her head now in my shoulder, I kissed her neck, making her body shiver. I was stronger now, I thought, Leah looked so small that, for the first time I really thought I was able to really protect her. She was mine, really mine.
Every single part of me was more alert, more alive – I could notice things I would never have realized in the past – every little movement Leah made, every little gasp would ablaze me. I enjoyed it so much – like a first ride on a rollercoaster everything was new and unexpected. My instincts were taking over me and, even though I knew it was dangerous, even though I knew I could hurt her if I lost control of myself, I couldn't let her go, it'd be too much.
I pressed myself against her back, feeling her body giving up to me. She leaned front, her elbows on the counter, breathless:
"We have to study, Sam." But all her self-control was gone for good. She was so smooth and warm – I didn't even feel the difference between our temperatures. Everything was clear – all of my senses were aware of her existence: Her scent, her taste, her looks, her voice… We were both gone.
She turned around to face me, locking her arms around my neck, touching my lips in a desperate manner – she'd missed me too, I thought with a smile – I wanted to pursue her every inch of skin and bones. I bit, pressured, pulled her and pushed her. It was hard to keep things gentle when I was craving her so badly. But she felt breakable no matter what: sweet, soft, human. And I wasn't her boyfriend anymore – I was an animal, guided by instinct. We were getting closer and closer.
The funny thing about being a wolf is that, no matter how focused you're on a task, you are still conscious of what's around you, the coffee- machine was just a few millimeters away from us, and I could hear the coffee – drop by drop – as Leah whispered in my ears.
"Sam…"
Drip
"Sam…"
Drip - I set her on the counter.
"Sam…"
Drip – I unzipped my jeans.
"Sam…"
Drip – she bit my lower lip and embraced my hips with her legs.
"Leah…"
Drip – her nails carved on my back, as I expected.
Drip
Drip
Drip
I should've been more responsible. What if I had changed? That wasn't safe in any ways. But Leah was so beautiful, so mine.
Drip
Drip
Drip
"I love you, Sam." She said, almost gluing her mouth to my left year, making the hair on the back of my head stand. "I love you so much my heart aches."
Drip
Drip
Drip
The memory slowly faded into the air. She wasn't a wolf anymore – I was facing Leah once again. She looked composed as she put on a dress.
"I'm leaving, Sam."
"I know." I said while getting dressed, avoiding to look at her, afraid of what my body might have accused me of. "What was that all about; vendetta?" I said, trying to sound as casual as possible, maybe even a bit mad. She just rolled her eyes:
"If I were looking for vengeance, Sam, I would have never shown you what I just did, don't you think? I know exactly what could hurt you." There was a silent moment in which I realized she was, somehow, talking about my dreams with Bella Swan. "These are just my reasons for leaving." I looked at her blankly. I noticed she was trying to read my expression. Looking for anger, maybe? "I can't stay here anymore, Sam, not while I'm keeping these memories with me."
I knew she was right, but I couldn't put up with that. I winced, she misunderstood me:
"Don't worry." She said smiling faintly. "I'll tell Jacob it's all about Seth and I know he'll believe me. He's big part of the reason, anyway." She shrugged.
"Lee…Leah…" – How come she didn't feel what I was feeling the whole time we were sharing our thoughts? Was she blinded by bitterness? Was she thinking it was it was her pain the whole time?
"Please, stay." I finally said. "Stay." – I repeated stupidly. She just shook her head. "Stay for me" it's what I intended to say.
"Would you rather fight for the leeches?" I said angrily, instead. She grimaced.
"I only fight for my pack. And my pack is now Jacob and Seth. They won't want me either, but…" She made a face. "It won't be news for me."
I felt the hurt in her voice and my heart sunk. That was the goal I had been chasing and now she had it – she was losing grip, moving on. I was happy, but I was dead too. She looked at me apologetically:
"In a few months" she started "I'll walk down the aisle to find you at the altar, do you understand? My family and yours will be there watching me as I make my way to find you, just like our friends. I'll be standing to your left, but it won't be about us. It won't be our wedding. I'll be a bridesmaid, a support actress in the biggest moment of your life; do you really think I'll survive that if I know what's going through your mind?" – We were both crying now.
She raised her hand politely to shake mine in a cold goodbye. I felt her temperature against mine – we were equals, me and that woman. – I pulled her closer to me. Just like she knew it was about to happen, she didn't move, she didn't fight.
I erased the distance between our lips.
It wasn't urgent; it didn't feel like puzzle pieces put together. It just felt right. Like a man and a woman – a boy and a girl – boyfriend and girlfriend.
My Leah; mine, mine, mine.
I'd never love her like I loved Emily. Leah wasn't my soul mate; there was nothing magical about the two of us. But on the other hand, I'd never love Emily the way I had loved Leah. Leah was my first choice, my best friend, the girl next door. She might have not been made for me, but she felt just perfect.
If we were human – if only this was a normal world – we would be the ones getting married next January. My high school sweetheart, my girlfriend, my wife.
But this wasn't a normal world at all. So, we pulled away gently, but coldly, and I noticed that, for once, she didn't blush.
She smiled once again before turning around and running away. She was finally free.
I sighed.
Emily was gravity – pulling me closer, keeping my feet on the ground – but Leah…
Leah was the tide – sweeping me away from the sand, taking over, drowning me.
.
A/N: You know what I like? I like reviews
P.S.: This was originally written more than a year ago and it's nice to see how much I've improved as a writer. Anyway, there are some (a bunch) of incoherencies in this story but people seem to like it a lot and I like whatever it is that you people like! Thank you so much for all the attention, the love and the tears I made you shed, I guess. Anyway, I just edited the fic a bit; corrected some spelling and grammar mistakes but, please, make sure you tell me if you find anything. Once again thank you for ALL the reviews, I couldn't be more thankful (but hey, if you're reading this for the first time, make sure you review)!

Description

Brave Face
A/N: So, there are a few things I'd like to say before you read this. My first idea for this story came when Jacob told Bella that he knew it was possible to love two people at the same time (on Eclipse, I guess). Anyway, a few others things in the books helped me built this concept of Sam. First was the fact that he thinks that imprinting is just a way to perpetuate the species, second the way Jacob says that he's the only one to see Leah as she truly is (a beautiful girl who has been hurt) and third was something Bella said in Breaking Dawn. She said that her love for Jacob was just a human weakness.
After that I came up with a concept: Since Sam doesn't see imprinting as magic, maybe, unlike quil and jared he does have a mind of his own and it's not a 100 happy with his situation (althought I'd like to say I hold nothing against Emily whatsoever) and - unlike Bella that's completely not a human anymore- he still fights against his "human's weakness".
So, after putting this and that together, I wrote this huuuge one shot that a first I thought it was SO SAD - but now I just think it sucks big time. ha-ha. So forgive me if you hate it - I guess I was in my PMS when I wrote it - and please let me know if there is any obnoxious grammar or English mistakes, ok?
And for the people reading My Beloved Monster, I'm really sorry for the delay, but I got caught up on this fic listening to a thousand sad songs as I wrote it.
Brave Face
I'd imprinted. The thought of that should have been enough. But I guess life would never get tired of testing me and so – just as my soul and body – my love was restless.
"So, do I look like a cotton candy to you?" She said smiling and turning around so I could check on her light yellow dress. I ignored the lump growing in my throat by swallowing the strong coffee in my cup.
Sometimes I wondered if it wouldn't be easier if she'd just stopped talking to me. It's was even harder being around her now that she seemed to accept everything. The smile she held on her face – as if glued to her lips – made me think that the girl I once called girlfriend was now dead somewhere inside that woman's body.
That outrageously beautiful woman's body.
"Sam, please, don't stare at me like this. I'm already feeling weird enough." Her voice brought me back to earth. She could never be rude to me, never. Her love was too strong. She sat next to me at the kitchen table.
It was ironic how I'd never been more aware of her feelings than now that we were no longer a couple. Back in the old days, I would usually get insecure over Leah. She was, after all, too beautiful to even look at me – everybody else wanted her: the guys at school, the men that couldn't take their eyes out of her at Port Angeles and even some of my friends here at La Push. Still she only had eyes for me. She craved me.
Sounds conceited, but it's simply painful. 'Cause I just knew how intense her feelings were – I knew it because I could hear them.
I heard her heart racing as I chuckled bitterly at the thought. She was just as mine as she was on the day I first kissed her. I chuckled again and she glared at me – possibly thinking I was laughing at her bridesmaid dress.
If this was another time, another world even, I would have kissed her, tell her how beautiful she was and she'd flush. That was my reason for chuckling in the first place: I doubted even Harry or Sue Clearwater ever thought of their daughter as the blushing type.
For three and a half years I dated this woman and not once she had not blushed after I kissed her. A girly version of her that nobody else knew about – anyone else but me. I fought the urge to stroke her hair. I couldn't, we had to be strong. – I had to be strong- otherwise she would keep hoping for things to change as I knew she did.
She stared at her own cup of coffee, her long wavy hair covering her features – her heart raced again – she was fighting her urges too.
"Lee-lee…" I started.
"Stop." She stood up "I don't wanna hear it. It's not your fault. You fell in love with someone else, it happens! Don't apologize."
Her hair smelled like the same shampoo she had always used – I was bewildered by memories for a second – She sobbed.
"The only thing I don't get is…" tears were now rolling down her face shamelessly. Leah never held a grudge over anything: she'd just be really pissed and speak her mind as much as she wanted, after that, everything would be fine again. But now, well, she never really gathered enough courage to tell me what was on her mind so I just felt like she was going to keep up with that 'till she exploded. "Why…" she took a deep breath. I didn't say a thing, I wasn't expecting that. "Why marrying her so fast? How can you be so sure she's that right for you? Don't you ever doubt that maybe…" she sobbed again, more and more frequently now, finally losing all composure.
Another deep breath, she now stared at her own shoes, her heart beating like she had ran a marathon, ashamed of losing control. When she finally rose her head there were no more signs of a previous weakness. Not even one shiny track of tears on her cheeks. She grinned. – the same grin she had been pretending to be a real smile for the last eight months – and took one of my hands on both of hers:
"You're happy now, Sam, you're so happy, you know?" I nodded guiltily. "And I'm fine if that's what you want." She paused for a second. "And I'm happy for Emily too, I am. Please, believe me, all right?"
I just nodded again.
"It sounds corny, I know, but I mean it: I'll be happy as long as you're. If you're smiling then that's what I'll do too. Uley, Uley…"she whispered my name in a singing voice, rocking my hand from one side to the other as she did it.
"I want you to be happy too, Leah…" Still rocking my hands, staring at them instead of looking into my eyes, she just shook her head and crocked a sad smile – this one a little more sincere than the others - I looked at her, confused:
"Am I allowed to disagree? I'm really making my best to hate you here, dude."
"Sure, you do as you wish…" I said sadly. Her smile broke and I could feel her hands shaking on mine, her whole body was trembling now.
"I gotta go, Sam." she didn't sound like she meant just leaving my place and I understood the undertone. She rocked my hand once again, this time with full strength, making me turn her around as if we were dancing "Will you unzip me please? I'm afraid my tears will ruin this beautiful dress and I don't want your fiancée… " She tried to sound casual but failed. "…to kill me, right?"
With her back turned to me, she pulled her hair up. I felt the softness of her skin beneath my fingertips while I slid my hands on the back of her dress. Even through the silk, I could feel her. Her smell made my heart sunk. I took a deep breath – my body shaking – we needed time away from each other more urgently than I had thought.
So – avoiding to look back – she entered the other room, where Emily and Sue had been the whole time, and I left the house without a word.
We didn't face each other for the next three months. We didn't exchange words, we didn't share the same places, it's was like neither of us existed.
But then, it happened.
When Harry died I knew it would be unavoidable – I'd have to face her sooner or later. So, when the funeral came, all I could wish for was that my human feelings had resigned once and for all and that I could just like Leah for what she really was: my best friend. I had imprinted, my soul mate was holding my hand at that right moment – crying over her dead uncle – and my whole organism pleaded for her to get better immediately. I lived for Emily and only for her; I had been born for her we were meant for each other. She was brought to this word just for me. That should settle things, right? That thought alone was already strong enough to kill any memories I had of my human feelings for Leah.
If only life was that easy.
Like fighting against a thick rubber shield my heart skipped several beats at the sight of her wearing black. She looked ill and alone, simply miserable.
But my vision of her was blurry – like she wasn't even there. Emily needed me and that was all I could think about. Nobody else in the world mattered in that moment.
But that was before I heard Sue's failing voice saying:
"Oh, Leah, please, look at you! You need to go home right now, you're burning I can see you're quivering from here! You're about to faint!"
I looked at Leah again – now with new eyes.
It wasn't possible – she was probably just shaken by her father's death. – There was nothing on the legends about a woman…It was simply impossible. That couldn't happen. Not to her of all people. Still, all the symptoms were there and as I put two and two together everything became clear. I kissed Emily and apologized for leaving.
She looked surprised and turned her head to face her cousin. She stared at her for a while – as if jealous – but then it clicked and her mouth turned in the shape of a perfect "o". She kissed me back and said:
"I'll find Billy and we will talk to Sue. It's ok for her to know now…" she stopped in the middle of her sentence. "Now that Uncle Harry passed away."
I grimaced. Emily was way too perfect to even exist.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too." She whispered with a weak smile. I felt Leah wince at this. Her senses were already getting stronger; we were running out of time.
"Leah, I'm taking you home."
"Hell No!" She cried out, shaking copiously–any minute now.
"Please, Leah." I always had to plead when it came to her. I looked at Sue:
"Mrs. Clearwater, you and Seth should go ahead now; there are people outside looking for you. They want to show their support. I'll take Leah home." I new that was a cold thing to say, but I was never really good at expressing feelings – or emotions whatsoever – not until I found my Emily. Before that I could only express love physically, I remembered wondering if that ever hurt Leah – or did she miss that?
Sue Clearwater didn't answer straight away. She just stared at me in disbelief for what seemed like a minute. She used to love me as a second son but ever since I had broken her daughter's heart there was a clear change in our relationship. It didn't bother me thought, I felt good knowing that at least someone blamed it on me – I wanted to feel as guilty as I should. I wanted Leah to hate me even more than her mother did.
Even though I knew everything was about to be explained, I could not bear the thought of forgiveness so I shook it off my head.
Finally Leah's mom decided it was best to care about her daughters physical health rather than worry about her shattered heart.
"Please, Sam!" She said. "Take her to a Hospital if that's the case! She's been burning for days now!" I nodded and turned around to face the fight. I was ready for an half an hour argument against Leah's stubbornness but it was not necessary. As soon as we were left alone she got tired of playing strong and fainted. Her body was collapsing. I took her home.
Leah's house, Leah's room, Leah's bed. How long had it been?
Everything looked the same – even the mess in her desk seemed built by the same books of more than a year ago. - My last time in this place, my last happy memory with her, only a few inches away from where I was standing now, just a regular couple talk:
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Marry me someday."
"Leah Uley sounds like an STD name, don't you think? I had sex with a guy I didn't know and now I got this lee-uley on my groin."
I chuckled without humor as I laid her on the bed. She tried to open her eyes as much as she could before giving up and shutting them again.
"Oh no." was the only thing she said.
"What? Are you in pain?" I asked worriedly putting my hand on her forehead. She wasn't burning, but she didn't feel cold against my touch either. I sighed – lost in grief over my best friend.
"You know I'm in pain, you moron." She said in a whisper, placing her hand on top of the one I held on her face. I could tell she had had said that same thing too many times before. "You know it and still… You won't leave me alone."
I realized now that she wasn't talking to me, not the real me at least; she thought I was a dream.
I felt my heart being torn inside out at the thought of this not being the first time she had dreamed about me standing there. She had tears on the corners of her eyes.
"Please, leave me." She begged in a whisper but pressed my hand stronger against her skin. She smiled. "I think I'm dying, Sam, 'cause you're becoming more and more real at each delusion, don't you think?"
I winced at this, but she kept smiling:
"Tell me, do you think you and me…Do you think that we could be together in heaven? When I die and stuff…"
"Leah…" her body started shaking again and she laughed bitterly.
"Oh yeah…Who am I to think you would want my company in heaven, right? You'll probably just wander around here as a lost spirit 'till Emily dies. You're a stubborn guy." She was definitely crying now – something I knew she wouldn't do in front of the real me.
"Leah, look at me!"
"Oh, don't try to bring me back tonight, Sam!" she said in a moaning voice, the one she used to use to get things from me and that brought me back some real unwanted memories of us in that room. "I don't mind if you don't want me in heaven too! At least I'll have dad…" she looked unconscious for a moment and then smirked "Do you think they'll let me down every now and then, though? I'd like to pull some tricks on Seth."
I really laughed this time. Leah adored Seth so much – in a very evil big sister sort of way of course – how could I possibly forget that? I had given up appearances for good now and decided to caress her hair – my human feelings were there – completely.
Her eyes popped open at once. She raised her body in a swift reaction:
"Sam? What the hell are you doing here?" She blushed and I knew it wasn't the fever's fault. I couldn't fight anything anymore, I was feeling weak and stupid, I was feeling guilty and I could not stand that – my fault. I held her close listening to her heartbeat, to her breathing stopping… I felt the tears making their way through my face. I wanted her to know it killed me too. Not in the same way, never in the same way – but death anyhow.
She didn't pull away as I knew she wouldn't. Leah wasn't the only one shaking now and I knew we had little time left. I tried my best to do what I had to. I was the alpha after all and the only reason for me to even be there at that moment was to help her - to help one of my siblings.
"Listen to me, Leah, promise me you will." I looked into her eyes as I held her face between my hands. I hadn't really thought that through so I came up with a million things to say but in the end all that came out was:
"How much do you like this dress you're wearing?" It was sort of a rhetorical question. I recognized the dress as soon as we left the funeral with her in my arms. She had used it in our prom night. A week before the party she had asked what was my favorite color and since I was going through a heavy metal phase I just said black. Ironic, I know.
A few weeks later I'd start feeling the very same symptoms she was now facing.
"I…I like it a lot." She mumbled and looked down to her body. She didn't question me. She never did. I sighed. What I was about to do was partly not right and partly completely wrong. But I had to. Or so I told myself.
I embraced her again, pulling her body close to mine as if trying to calm her down. My hands were now tracing lines on her back, looking for the buttons I knew were there. It wasn't the first time I had done that, but, this time, I knew it was the last so I went really slowly. Part of me wanted it to last.
The fabric was light and cold – even more against our skins – the buttons were delicate and I was not having a hard time with them. All my senses worked perfectly as I focused on my task; Leah's blood now racing to her head, her breathing was inconstant and her heart like a tambourine under my touch, the loud thuds consuming my pent-up emotions, turning them into longing and sorrow. I tried to think about Emily.
Emily, Emily, Emily…
It worked. Leah didn't dare to move a finger, and only a few seconds had passed us by; I started speaking:
"I want you to…" I said breathlessly, trying to ignore her skin shivering under mine. "I want you to remember the legends they always told us when we were kids. Do you think you can do that?"
I didn't have to see her face to know she looked confused. I heard a gasp and she laid her head on my shoulders, sweating.
"Leah, please, focus. I need you to this for me." I said trying to bring her from the shocked state I had thrown her into. She slowly opened her mouth, her hot breath on my neck, and started naming them:
"The spirit warriors…" she whispered in a failing voice and I slid my hand under the fabric of her dress, feeling her skin.
"Good girl." The smell of her hair took over me and I pressed her strongly against my chest. I slowly pushed down the sleeves of her outfit. "What else?"
"The third wife…" her voice was trailing off, losing her mind to the fever. Or maybe, I thought, to me. The upper part of her dress had now fallen completely and she put her arms heavily around my neck. Her breast felt unbearably hot against my shirt and I knew I should be undressing too, but I honestly didn't care about my suit as much as I did about my dignity as a leader. My hands made their way on her legs, getting to her shoes and taking them off. I felt horrible. I was actually enjoying that.
She only had her underwear now – she wasn't even wearing a bra – and I faced the scene. There we were, her arms around me, mine around hers, her legs on my lap, her head on my shoulders both of us sitting on the same bed we used to use not so long ago as a couple. I sighed again. This was different; this was the beginning of what wasn't supposed to happen. I caressed her head and patted her back, rocking her gently, I wasn't excited anymore – I shouldn't have been from the start anyway – I said:
"C'mon, Lee-lee, just one more…" my mouth was close to her ears when I spoke and with a scream of agony she carved her nails on my back as a new wave of pain took over her body.
Just a few seconds left. I could kiss her, I though. If I kissed her, things would go faster; it was all I had to do.
"The cold ones…" she opened her mouth once more. That was all I needed, all I had to do now was lay her down on her bed and phase myself. She was smart, she would get it. But when I was about to do it, she opened her eyes and hold my face with one of her hands. I wasn't expecting this. She was already stronger, so I couldn't move; anything could put me in danger. She didn't look angry though, her eyes showed me only realization as she said in a very low whisper:
"Imprinting…" our mouths were really close and we were both looking into each other's eyes. She pulled her face closer to mine, never losing eye contact. Everything she said sounded like an accusation:
"A love ruled by magic. A love with no way out. A mandatory love." She understood it all quicker than I had thought. We both phased.
Despair.
My first seconds locked inside her skin were filled by despair in every breath I took. For the first time since I had phased I was feeling everything. I had been there for Jared, and Paul, and Embry and Jake - I had felt their most intimate feelings and we shared them but this was different.
Controlling my feelings was the first lesson I learned from Old Quil Ateara. Since the moment I learned how to pretend and put on a straight face that had been the only thing I did. Even when I told Leah I was leaving her for her cousin, even when I attacked Emily, even then I had not let myself go far enough. I'm a leader. I'm supposed to be fair and controlled. All the time.
I taught this to all of my brothers – taught them about how they should be able to control their selves in even the most painful moments – right now I felt like a hypocrite.
But those weren't my feelings – those were hers. Mine were hidden – I had to protect her, she could be seriously hurt just by a glance of me and Emily together. It was my turn to lock myself to the world. When I was sure everything was safe I raised my head to face the first woman ever to become a shape-shifter.
Grey. The human inside me smiled sadly. Of course she'd be grey. Like stormy weather, like a heavy cloud, like a rainy day. Like everything that's no longer innocent, Leah's used to be white and pure, but now she had been maculated by the darkness of black. My darkness.
I thanked God for the rest of the pack being too busy at the funeral to even consider phasing. That first talk should be only us.
But she wasn't in the mood for talking, thought. Her fur was so long she couldn't even move. She'd have to cut her long hair. She growled at this, but I realized she wasn't focused on this point particularly - she was browsing my head for information.
The first thing was the imprint but she gave up quickly. Knowing the truth was enough for her – she wouldn't stand seeing Emily (or her) through my eyes. Not now.
After that, questions started to come up – none of us had been so calm on our first transformation - Leah started to ask all kinds of things and I answered politely until we finally hit the real point:
"You were hiding it from me..."
"I'm sorry, I had to. You were not supposed to know."
I felt her heart sunk as she assimilated.
"Oh, Sam! I said such awful things to you!"
"Leah, don't…" I could feel a new wave of pain as she remembered our last months together. She remembered the day I bumped into Emily and as the vision of the beautiful girl staring at me- a bit scared of my size – made my heart jump. Leah finally understood we were sharing each other's feelings too. Once that happened, everything went away. I felt blank and heavy inside – like I had no heart.
"You don't have to do this."
"It's ok! It's the best for all of us, right? No one needs to know anything. It won't be easy to hide, but that's what all of you do, isn't it? Besides, I bet this will be a lot easier to hide than my body." She thought a little bitterly. Immediately, our heads were filled by the images of me taking her clothes off just a few minutes earlier. She lost her breath and I've done my best to cover up my memories. She changed the subject:
"I'll have to cut my hair too…"
"Yes."
"Like when you asked me to cut yours, remember? I gave such a hard time back then. I did like the result, thought." She shrugged – which was quite funny considering she was a wolf - and we both laughed at the image of her holding a pair of scissors on her hands, pleading me to change my mind and then threatening to cut my ears off if I didn't give up the idea. The memory was so vivid I felt my heart beat stop for what seemed to be a whole minute. But I held everything back, we couldn't afford being weak or else this would become even more complicated. And we were already tangled.
From that moment on, lying became my number one sport. I could do it with my body language; I could it with my mouth, with my mind and even with my heart.
Every time Leah would phase I'd start lying. It wasn't hard – all I had to do was camouflage my feelings by remembering Paul's thoughts on her and making them mine. I could take that for a long while - even though it was like holding my breath under water sometimes - and as soon as she'd leave her wolf form, the act was over.
The rest of the pack, however, had to deal with what I felt: beautiful Leah, adorable Leah – dead inside because of me. They would never argue with me about that, of course. They also knew how I felt for Emily. But Jared once suggested I should give her an alpha order to forget about me and get a life.
Even if that worked, I couldn't bring myself the courage to do it – I would never humiliate her to that point. Her state was my fault and sometimes I couldn't really decide whose scars were deeper, Emily's or hers. They were my entire fault anyway, I'd think bitterly. As time passed by I became more and more aware of the mess I had left behind.
The guys hated being around her – she was tricky, bitter and ill-behaved – nobody felt safe inside her mind. And even though she had promised, her strength was giving in to her emotions. She'd see me in the boys' mind: a leader, a friend, an example and she'd be proud of me, she'd think: "I always knew you had it in you."
And I would have to fight the happiness growing in my chest and think about Emily.
Emily was proud too, Emily loved me, Emily wanted me, and Emily was the one holding me every night in bed. And I'd hoped she'd get hurt – hurt enough to give up – but I could feel her spirit smiling at me:
"Of course she does! She's your soul mate, that's how things are supposed to be." She'd think and I'd be impressed. It was like she was actually happy for me. "But I'm not your soul mate and I too think you're perfect. Doesn't this make me even more special?" She would let slip sometimes.
It was on a normal afternoon that she lost control for the first time. Leah was so good at hiding her feelings – turning them into unkindness was more like it – that she hardly had trouble controlling her phasing. But we were at Emily's house; it had been two months since she had first changed. Her hair was short and messy – just a little bit above her chin and I was so focused on Emily, I forgot Leah was there. We were at the kitchen, talking about the wedding. I was so happy when I saw Emily's face talking about the bouquet she had chosen as if it was the best thing in the world that I kissed her. The next thing I heard was the sound of clothes being torn apart.
When I entered the other room, Paul was shaking madly too – as usual – Jared had phased trying to calm the grey wolf standing in my fiancée's living room and Jake was screaming at me:
"How could you possibly forget she has extra powerful hearing now, jackass?"
That caught me completely off-guard and I simply couldn't think anymore. My first reaction was to jump in front of Emily whose heart was pounding so loud that I doubted even normal humans could hear it.
Seeing me protect her cousin seemed to make the trick – As the most controlled of us all, Leah phased back as soon as she realized what was going on, something that even I wasn't capable of until recently.
She stood naked in the living room, immediately, all the guys turned their faces away – I realized Embry took a little longer than the others – and Emily ran upstairs to get her some clothes. Unlike my brothers, I didn't turn my face. I should, but I didn't:
"I'm sorry." I said for what felt like the thousandth time that year and she rolled her eyes not bothering to cover her body from me.
"I don't care. It's not your fault! We've talked about this before." She said glumly staring at the point where Emily had disappeared, waiting for clothes. I wasn't able to look away until I heard steps coming down the stairs. And as much as I tried to shake the memory of her body away from my mind – I was unable. But this time, at least, I knew it wasn't my fault.
For weeks the guys only saw Leah's body over and over – teenagers, I figured. – Every time they thought they were alone. I even heard them calling me something like "lucky bastard" or something. When I woke up one night after a very awkward sex dream I decided I had to give them an alpha order to not think about her anymore. I knew it wouldn't work, but I had to try. It wasn't necessary though – She got to them first.
For three weeks, Leah watched gay porn – and by gay porn I mean hardcore man on man action – and she would think about it all the time.
Truth be told, I got a few kicks out of this, Leah was like my own little force of nature. She only stopped tormenting them when Seth joined the pack- she was too worried to even think about torture.
Seth forgave me easily when he understood what had happened to me. He was able to look at me as his hero again – of course I had to admit I didn't hold a candle to Jacob, though – but I now knew for certain that Leah had lost her hope. I didn't want her around anymore. She was a burden to everyone in the pack, she'd think. I couldn't hear these thoughts, she was good enough to hide them from the pack – but not from me, I knew her too well.
This entire "I don't care" attitude was an act I had watched way too many times in my life. So I felt it was right to check on Leah whenever I could, trying my best to hide my presence on her thoughts, keeping myself close enough to her house to hear what she was doing and far enough that she wouldn't hear my pace. It was against everything we had promised to each other, but then again, I thought bitterly, that wouldn't the first time I'd break a promise I'd made to her.
Watching her was the only way I found to keep myself from going insane – I worried about that woman 24/7. – Whenever I tried to let go, to move on completely and give her real space, let her be free I'd remember of Bella Swan.
The way I found Bella that day on the forest, after the Cullens left her behind…I used to dream about that. And I knew it wasn't about her, I knew who I truly saw in the woods that day. And it'd break my heart if I ever had to see Leah like that.
I made up little lies to excuse myself: she's family, it's my duty to take good care of her; she looks fragile, maybe she's sick, who knows?
When she first found out about her period, everyone was disgusted. Her despair growing and growing as she wondered what had happened – trying to figure if there was some magical way of her to be pregnant with my child, but day by day all her theories just became ridiculous delusions – as she once put on her own words – and she gave up for good.
I'm not even woman enough to be a mother. She howled in an ironical hysteria. No wonder I'm not your soul mate, Sam! But I guess we all saw that coming, right? It's not like I'm lucky or anything. – She thought in one of our patrols together. I didn't answer knowing that it would hurt her to do it - but I had no other options.
I'd hurt her until she forget me. I'd hurt her until the end. And so I did.
Until the day she left me.
When Jacob and Seth left us, I knew that was bound to happen. Honestly, I knew it would happen. I wondered, as soon as I assumed my human form, if she'd ever choose me in the end – maybe she was too scared to leave me, who knows?- I was a good alpha, right? I did my best, I used to be everything in her life, and how could she just run away from me?
But these were not the only questions in my head as I got dressed. I wondered if I, the human me, would be able to survive the distance, the lack of knowledge, the blank insecurity of not being a part of her mind. I stopped in front of her house - my favorite place in the world just a few months ago – and I watched the lights of her room being turned on, I watched her shadow and listened to her impatient pace from one side of the other. I heard the water of her shower, the noise of her cooking dinner; I closed my eyes and tried to imagine her doing everything in the exact corners she used to do. When I heard that she was cutting her hair, I knew it was about to happen.
The lights of her bedroom went off.
She walked slowly down the stairs.
The noise of drawers being opened and closed as if she was looking for something.
A note being written.
The front door opening.
"Lee-lee..." She looked up, alarmed to see me. "Don't do that."
I never thought it'd hurt that much. She started to undress slowly. I did the same thing. I knew everyone else was asleep and that would be our last talk:
Don't, please. She didn't answer, her whole mind was blank and, for a second, I thought she was already gone. And then, she opened her heart to me.
This wasn't about reasons - I thought as the feelings hit me in waves of pain - this could only be revenge. I don't know if she knew I had been pretending the whole time, but, if she did, she also knew exactly how to unlock the worst in me.
Her memories started from the day we first met:
"Good morning, Mrs. Uley!" A ten year old Leah said to my mother as she passed by my house (just three houses away from hers) on her pink bike.
"Oh, look, Sam! That's Harry Clearwater's daughter, Leah, why don't you go play with her?" Mom said and we both made sickened sounds with our mouths.
I didn't like girls.
She didn't like boys.
She skipped to our first day on freshmen year:
"Sam Uley!" She pulled my hair slightly. "I thought you were just too cool for school!" She leaned against my locker and not for a second I recognized the offensively beautiful girl in front of me. She rolled her eyes:
"Gee, Uley-boy, we're almost neighbors! You walk pass my house everyday!
"No, I don't!" I said offended. I would notice if that girl were my neighbor. She laughed loudly.
"If you don't even know where I live, how can you be so sure?"
When Leah laughed, throwing her head behind and touching my shoulder, I was lost forever.
I'd quit smoking, I'd give up rock'n'roll - I'd might even lose all of my fear of commitment caused by my father's lack of attention – I'd go to church every Sunday, if she needed. Whatever that woman asked me to.
I didn't know Leah's memory was so sharp – but maybe I was the one helping her – complementing her memories with my own perspective.
Our first kiss, I remembered the look she had on her face when she pulled my ponytail on our way home and said:
"Do I have to ask, Uley?" I was so confused I didn't know what to do. When I finally did, all her confidence went away. She blushed furiously.
"I had a crush on you since I was twelve and I'd watch you pass by my house with that arrogant expression you have." She thought, but didn't sound mad, just nostalgic. After that, things became a little more graphic. She was playing low now:
We were in the movies – doing things we weren't supposed to be doing until we were 18 – my hands in eight different places at the same time, whispers in my ear… I was sure my body was burning a little over 108º9'F now. I was already out of breath, but she hadn't had enough of her torture:
The unbearable love she felt as we lay down on my bed that first night we spent together and the way she touched my face in the morning to see if it wasn't a dream. She loved me too much, she was only sixteen and she already loved me for the rest of her life.
Nothing before Sam.
Nothing after Sam.
Memories became more vivid each turn of events as if she was looking the one that she knew it'd really hit me. After our first time, she came up with Valentine's Day, anniversaries, the day I sneaked up in her bedroom, the time we traveled alone to Seattle and so on. Sometimes – between the dirty little moments she was focusing on – she'd get lost in sweeter ones. Like the way I used to suffocate her every morning until she'd wake up, just to hear her screaming at me, or how we'd always plot something to scare Seth to death on Halloweens. It didn't matter what she decided to show me – it all hurt.
Begging for air, I asked for her to stop, but I was only half sincere in my request; she kept going. I knew we both needed that. A requiem to whatever we had ever had.
The scars her nails used to left me, the way she would easily surrender to me and talk between moans and purrs like a little cat – instead of the strong woman she was. The purple marks we'd both share every now and then after a night that went a little wilder than planed and how we used to hide our pain and laugh as we pressed our hands stronger together under the cafeteria table so that nobody would ever doubt of what we had been doing.
I loved Leah so badly. It took me by surprise to look at my feelings from the outside, to see the younger version of me smiling as her hair caressed my neck while she kissed my chest. Her hands grabbing me, longing for me, her voice turned into little gasps:
"Sam, Sam, Sam…"
And I'd lose myself inside her.
The strongest woman on earth acted like a little girl – melted and sweet – looking at me with attentive eyes, touching me like I could be the only thing in her whole world. A girly version of her that nobody else knew. – I remembered my own words.
For a moment, I thought she had ended. We seemed to have gone through our whole life together, so I wasn't surprised when everything stopped at once. But when I looked up at the grey wolf in front of me, it had a smile on its face. She had found it.
The memory she was looking for wasn't special at first glance, just a random memory, I thought. It all began when I came back from my disappearance after changing for the first time. It was like a prelude to what was about to come.
She opened the door and found me standing there in the rain. – It wasn't exactly as romantic as it sounds, it always raining in Washington. I thought she was gonna be mad at me, scream and shout and maybe put her whole life in danger. I should've known her better. For almost a month I had strayed from her, disappeared long enough for her to call the police and still, when she opened the door that morning, all she did was jump on me, putting her hands around my neck and crying.
"I was so worried!" – I felt like crying to. What if I ever hurt that girl? She seemed so small now. I thought back then. So little I knew. But as I heard her heart so close to mine I realized it didn't matter. Even if I was now a creature, an animal, even if I couldn't tell her the truth, it didn't matter. Not to her. For the first time in a long time, I felt human again. Everything had changed everything but her feelings for me.
So, there we were, three days after that, sitting on the floor of her living room, studying for our finals but I couldn't focus. First because now that I knew there were real blood suckers and that all legends were true, finals seemed like a very small deal to me. And second because ever since I had turned into a mythological creature my senses were way too strong. Strong enough for me to lose focus every time Leah touched her hair.
I could smell her scent easily, but I couldn't figure out what exactly what was it; I could hear heart pacing faster whenever she felt my eyes on her. Soon enough, she realized I wasn't really paying attention:
"We have to study." She said without looking up, she was such a nerd. "I'll make you coffee." She stood up and went to kitchen and I followed her. I found her pouring grains on the coffee machine by the kitchen counter.
I came from behind, taking small steps, enjoying every second of anticipation, and slowly took out the pin that was holding her hair up. The black waves crashed on me with their sweet scent that I could now easily recognize as wet grass and jasmines – she might had been outside, watering the plants before I got there. I heard her heart racing as I brought my nose closer to her neck:
"We need to study." She said firmly. I didn't say any thing; instead I just slid my finger over her arms without a word, grabbing her hands and getting rid of the spoon and the pack of grains she was holding. "Really, Sam, we've got to…"
But her voice failed and became a little wheeze. With the back of her head now in my shoulder, I kissed her neck, making her body shiver. I was stronger now, I thought, Leah looked so small that, for the first time I really thought I was able to really protect her. She was mine, really mine.
Every single part of me was more alert, more alive – I could notice things I would never have realized in the past – every little movement Leah made, every little gasp would ablaze me. I enjoyed it so much – like a first ride on a rollercoaster everything was new and unexpected. My instincts were taking over me and, even though I knew it was dangerous, even though I knew I could hurt her if I lost control of myself, I couldn't let her go, it'd be too much.
I pressed myself against her back, feeling her body giving up to me. She leaned front, her elbows on the counter, breathless:
"We have to study, Sam." But all her self-control was gone for good. She was so smooth and warm – I didn't even feel the difference between our temperatures. Everything was clear – all of my senses were aware of her existence: Her scent, her taste, her looks, her voice… We were both gone.
She turned around to face me, locking her arms around my neck, touching my lips in a desperate manner – she'd missed me too, I thought with a smile – I wanted to pursue her every inch of skin and bones. I bit, pressured, pulled her and pushed her. It was hard to keep things gentle when I was craving her so badly. But she felt breakable no matter what: sweet, soft, human. And I wasn't her boyfriend anymore – I was an animal, guided by instinct. We were getting closer and closer.
The funny thing about being a wolf is that, no matter how focused you're on a task, you are still conscious of what's around you, the coffee- machine was just a few millimeters away from us, and I could hear the coffee – drop by drop – as Leah whispered in my ears.
"Sam…"
Drip
"Sam…"
Drip - I set her on the counter.
"Sam…"
Drip – I unzipped my jeans.
"Sam…"
Drip – she bit my lower lip and embraced my hips with her legs.
"Leah…"
Drip – her nails carved on my back, as I expected.
Drip
Drip
Drip
I should've been more responsible. What if I had changed? That wasn't safe in any ways. But Leah was so beautiful, so mine.
Drip
Drip
Drip
"I love you, Sam." She said, almost gluing her mouth to my left year, making the hair on the back of my head stand. "I love you so much my heart aches."
Drip
Drip
Drip
The memory slowly faded into the air. She wasn't a wolf anymore – I was facing Leah once again. She looked composed as she put on a dress.
"I'm leaving, Sam."
"I know." I said while getting dressed, avoiding to look at her, afraid of what my body might have accused me of. "What was that all about; vendetta?" I said, trying to sound as casual as possible, maybe even a bit mad. She just rolled her eyes:
"If I were looking for vengeance, Sam, I would have never shown you what I just did, don't you think? I know exactly what could hurt you." There was a silent moment in which I realized she was, somehow, talking about my dreams with Bella Swan. "These are just my reasons for leaving." I looked at her blankly. I noticed she was trying to read my expression. Looking for anger, maybe? "I can't stay here anymore, Sam, not while I'm keeping these memories with me."
I knew she was right, but I couldn't put up with that. I winced, she misunderstood me:
"Don't worry." She said smiling faintly. "I'll tell Jacob it's all about Seth and I know he'll believe me. He's big part of the reason, anyway." She shrugged.
"Lee…Leah…" – How come she didn't feel what I was feeling the whole time we were sharing our thoughts? Was she blinded by bitterness? Was she thinking it was it was her pain the whole time?
"Please, stay." I finally said. "Stay." – I repeated stupidly. She just shook her head. "Stay for me" it's what I intended to say.
"Would you rather fight for the leeches?" I said angrily, instead. She grimaced.
"I only fight for my pack. And my pack is now Jacob and Seth. They won't want me either, but…" She made a face. "It won't be news for me."
I felt the hurt in her voice and my heart sunk. That was the goal I had been chasing and now she had it – she was losing grip, moving on. I was happy, but I was dead too. She looked at me apologetically:
"In a few months" she started "I'll walk down the aisle to find you at the altar, do you understand? My family and yours will be there watching me as I make my way to find you, just like our friends. I'll be standing to your left, but it won't be about us. It won't be our wedding. I'll be a bridesmaid, a support actress in the biggest moment of your life; do you really think I'll survive that if I know what's going through your mind?" – We were both crying now.
She raised her hand politely to shake mine in a cold goodbye. I felt her temperature against mine – we were equals, me and that woman. – I pulled her closer to me. Just like she knew it was about to happen, she didn't move, she didn't fight.
I erased the distance between our lips.
It wasn't urgent; it didn't feel like puzzle pieces put together. It just felt right. Like a man and a woman – a boy and a girl – boyfriend and girlfriend.
My Leah; mine, mine, mine.
I'd never love her like I loved Emily. Leah wasn't my soul mate; there was nothing magical about the two of us. But on the other hand, I'd never love Emily the way I had loved Leah. Leah was my first choice, my best friend, the girl next door. She might have not been made for me, but she felt just perfect.
If we were human – if only this was a normal world – we would be the ones getting married next January. My high school sweetheart, my girlfriend, my wife.
But this wasn't a normal world at all. So, we pulled away gently, but coldly, and I noticed that, for once, she didn't blush.
She smiled once again before turning around and running away. She was finally free.
I sighed.
Emily was gravity – pulling me closer, keeping my feet on the ground – but Leah…
Leah was the tide – sweeping me away from the sand, taking over, drowning me.
.
A/N: You know what I like? I like reviews
P.S.: This was originally written more than a year ago and it's nice to see how much I've improved as a writer. Anyway, there are some (a bunch) of incoherencies in this story but people seem to like it a lot and I like whatever it is that you people like! Thank you so much for all the attention, the love and the tears I made you shed, I guess. Anyway, I just edited the fic a bit; corrected some spelling and grammar mistakes but, please, make sure you tell me if you find anything. Once again thank you for ALL the reviews, I couldn't be more thankful (but hey, if you're reading this for the first time, make sure you review)!