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Description
There's a place I told myself I'd never go back to, where sometimes thoughts got lost in chain-link fences and my heart snagged on the barbed wire.
It was always damp and dark, with clouds thick like wool covering the blue of the sky and blotting it an inky, ugly gray. I kept telling myself, imagining some sunlight warming the back of my head, I kept saying, "You don't die, it always gets better." I wanted to run my fingers over the border of the frame keeping me in one piece, pick at the peeling faux gold foil on the outline of the landscape that was my life. If I could, I would have started tearing at the edges, clawing for some speck of what was on the other side furiously until my fingers bled like streams.
Those were the times I'd be able to see the path I'd worn in the dirt as I paced back and forth at the edge of my existence. Back and forth, going deeper into the hot dirt that boiled my skin.
Deeper and deeper.
I kept telling myself, "There's another side to all this." Over and over, like a furious and steady mantra of hope. It thrummed in my head like a heartbeat, strong and steady. It was there; I could feel it, something tangible for me to take from.
Yes, I could do this.
I went back to the marred corners of the border with a chainsaw, revving it as the sound echoed in my chest sending shivers up my spine. My hands came down and splinters shot out like shrapnel as one side fell away. Almost like the pillars of great coliseums, the great charlatans of the borders came crashing down in a triumphant mess.
My hands, now a bloody mess of frantic tearing and scraping, had come to the snag in the canvas, the foothold of my freedom. I felt myself grow teeth and claws sharper than knives and a feral instinct overcame me in a wave of heat. There it was, right there staring me in the face like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck.
A tiny slit of light that smelled like sweet liberation came wafting in and nearly burned my eyes out of their sockets. But it felt so good, like the singe of ice water as you dive into the ocean.
In my back, my muscles strained and throbbed as I used my entire body to tear away the thick threaded canvas holding me in its pitiful existence right beside the world of thriving life and energy. My arms yanked and pulled at the tough curtain, every stubborn bone in my body pulsing with determination and excitement. It seemed to weigh a ton compared the flaky strength that graced me every now and then, but as I began to feel my head throb in exhaustion and ache, the weight of my little world suddenly came down on me like a heavy slab of rock.
It was devastating the way it toppled me over like a twig in the torrent of a tornado, completely encompassing my being under the massive hulk of its form. I felt the heat, the light, drain from my eyes as the defeat seeped into my skin and sucked me dry. But my heart didn't stop its battle cry in the dark; it kept on drumming away the loss like a diligent metronome.
So it was then, in that pivotal moment of my life, when all seemed lost, did the voice that kept me alive sound again.
Imagine what you can do on the other side.
Imagine what kind of juggernaut you can become once you crawl out of this pathetic depression.
Imagine getting up.
My imagination saved my life. Resuscitated back into action, there was a break in the slab of heartache that had fallen on top of me, to where I could creep through on my hands and knees, scraping against the powdered glass-like sand beneath me. Harder and stronger I became as inch by inch I pulled myself out.
Cold air whipped at my weary body as I finally freed myself from the avalanche of despair. I felt thin and awkward alone in the blank field before me. Everything seemed to have gotten bigger in the (what seemed like years) time I had been stuck under the mass that now sat defeated at my feet. Something deep inside me, more archaic than even primal instincts pushed me upward toward the almost transparent sign of freedom I once dug so desperately for. I put one foot on the mass of hatred, despair, loneliness, isolation, and defeat. I dug my heel in it as if I could break something if I tried hard enough. And then I started to climb.
The higher I went the thicker the air became. It was hot and thick like the breath of an ancient dragon breathing fire down on me. Everything this place had it was throwing at me, nearly resorting to down right begging for me to stay and give up. Not this time, no. This was my last day in this hellhole.
The momentum my determination gave me was staggering in the way it sped me towards the top. Oh how close I was to the top where all it would take was just one more push, just one more breathtaking heave and that was it. The peak of my inner self – what I had named it during my scale, realizing it was my epitome – was a narrow, almost impossible edge smaller than the palm of my hand. Still trying and yet oblivious to my impending victory. Yes, I was completely considering this a conquest, I was finally overcoming the dictatorship that was my insides and I was most certainly and literally on top.
There, just above my hairline, was my exit. Very inconspicuous and so hard to miss to those not bothering to study it, it was almost like a kind of Holy Grail. With my chest heaving and sweat streaming down my dirty face, I gripped myself back to the steely demolisher I once was.
With the strength of an impressively pissed-off bull, both hands firmly gripping the ragged edge, I pulled on the threshold. No longer was I doomed to stay in the shadow of what could have been, what would have been if only. No more did the plague of uselessness and utter annihilation from something without a shape and name weigh me down like cement blocks, I was able to look up and see something other than black.
And there it was.
Oh god it was so beautiful the way everything had a distinct color and bright disposition. They way the air tickled my face and cooled me like nothing I'd ever felt before actually brought tears to my eyes. For a moment I couldn't believe it was real and I had to blink much more than once to actually get a hold on what had just happened to me.
I had done it, oh had I done it. I felt sobs of absolute joy wrack my body like convulsions of unconscious happiness. It was beyond words the way everything just seemed to wrap around me like a gentle embrace only a mother could give. Like the air in my lungs had completely rushed to every little part of my body and cleansed it completely of what used to be. I could feel a molt take place throughout me and transform myself into something new and acceptable for the world I was entering.
The strength of this new life was invigorating and it sent delighted spasms up and down my body. The ugly was all behind me now, buried in a grave reaching depths of what I hoped was infinite and never coming back. I kept crying because there was nothing there to hold me back, I cried because I could and I smiled because it felt right and warm.
All I had to do was take my first step and enter my paradise, and surprisingly, it came very easily.
You always had it in you…

Description
There's a place I told myself I'd never go back to, where sometimes thoughts got lost in chain-link fences and my heart snagged on the barbed wire.
It was always damp and dark, with clouds thick like wool covering the blue of the sky and blotting it an inky, ugly gray. I kept telling myself, imagining some sunlight warming the back of my head, I kept saying, "You don't die, it always gets better." I wanted to run my fingers over the border of the frame keeping me in one piece, pick at the peeling faux gold foil on the outline of the landscape that was my life. If I could, I would have started tearing at the edges, clawing for some speck of what was on the other side furiously until my fingers bled like streams.
Those were the times I'd be able to see the path I'd worn in the dirt as I paced back and forth at the edge of my existence. Back and forth, going deeper into the hot dirt that boiled my skin.
Deeper and deeper.
I kept telling myself, "There's another side to all this." Over and over, like a furious and steady mantra of hope. It thrummed in my head like a heartbeat, strong and steady. It was there; I could feel it, something tangible for me to take from.
Yes, I could do this.
I went back to the marred corners of the border with a chainsaw, revving it as the sound echoed in my chest sending shivers up my spine. My hands came down and splinters shot out like shrapnel as one side fell away. Almost like the pillars of great coliseums, the great charlatans of the borders came crashing down in a triumphant mess.
My hands, now a bloody mess of frantic tearing and scraping, had come to the snag in the canvas, the foothold of my freedom. I felt myself grow teeth and claws sharper than knives and a feral instinct overcame me in a wave of heat. There it was, right there staring me in the face like a deer caught in the headlights of a truck.
A tiny slit of light that smelled like sweet liberation came wafting in and nearly burned my eyes out of their sockets. But it felt so good, like the singe of ice water as you dive into the ocean.
In my back, my muscles strained and throbbed as I used my entire body to tear away the thick threaded canvas holding me in its pitiful existence right beside the world of thriving life and energy. My arms yanked and pulled at the tough curtain, every stubborn bone in my body pulsing with determination and excitement. It seemed to weigh a ton compared the flaky strength that graced me every now and then, but as I began to feel my head throb in exhaustion and ache, the weight of my little world suddenly came down on me like a heavy slab of rock.
It was devastating the way it toppled me over like a twig in the torrent of a tornado, completely encompassing my being under the massive hulk of its form. I felt the heat, the light, drain from my eyes as the defeat seeped into my skin and sucked me dry. But my heart didn't stop its battle cry in the dark; it kept on drumming away the loss like a diligent metronome.
So it was then, in that pivotal moment of my life, when all seemed lost, did the voice that kept me alive sound again.
Imagine what you can do on the other side.
Imagine what kind of juggernaut you can become once you crawl out of this pathetic depression.
Imagine getting up.
My imagination saved my life. Resuscitated back into action, there was a break in the slab of heartache that had fallen on top of me, to where I could creep through on my hands and knees, scraping against the powdered glass-like sand beneath me. Harder and stronger I became as inch by inch I pulled myself out.
Cold air whipped at my weary body as I finally freed myself from the avalanche of despair. I felt thin and awkward alone in the blank field before me. Everything seemed to have gotten bigger in the (what seemed like years) time I had been stuck under the mass that now sat defeated at my feet. Something deep inside me, more archaic than even primal instincts pushed me upward toward the almost transparent sign of freedom I once dug so desperately for. I put one foot on the mass of hatred, despair, loneliness, isolation, and defeat. I dug my heel in it as if I could break something if I tried hard enough. And then I started to climb.
The higher I went the thicker the air became. It was hot and thick like the breath of an ancient dragon breathing fire down on me. Everything this place had it was throwing at me, nearly resorting to down right begging for me to stay and give up. Not this time, no. This was my last day in this hellhole.
The momentum my determination gave me was staggering in the way it sped me towards the top. Oh how close I was to the top where all it would take was just one more push, just one more breathtaking heave and that was it. The peak of my inner self – what I had named it during my scale, realizing it was my epitome – was a narrow, almost impossible edge smaller than the palm of my hand. Still trying and yet oblivious to my impending victory. Yes, I was completely considering this a conquest, I was finally overcoming the dictatorship that was my insides and I was most certainly and literally on top.
There, just above my hairline, was my exit. Very inconspicuous and so hard to miss to those not bothering to study it, it was almost like a kind of Holy Grail. With my chest heaving and sweat streaming down my dirty face, I gripped myself back to the steely demolisher I once was.
With the strength of an impressively pissed-off bull, both hands firmly gripping the ragged edge, I pulled on the threshold. No longer was I doomed to stay in the shadow of what could have been, what would have been if only. No more did the plague of uselessness and utter annihilation from something without a shape and name weigh me down like cement blocks, I was able to look up and see something other than black.
And there it was.
Oh god it was so beautiful the way everything had a distinct color and bright disposition. They way the air tickled my face and cooled me like nothing I'd ever felt before actually brought tears to my eyes. For a moment I couldn't believe it was real and I had to blink much more than once to actually get a hold on what had just happened to me.
I had done it, oh had I done it. I felt sobs of absolute joy wrack my body like convulsions of unconscious happiness. It was beyond words the way everything just seemed to wrap around me like a gentle embrace only a mother could give. Like the air in my lungs had completely rushed to every little part of my body and cleansed it completely of what used to be. I could feel a molt take place throughout me and transform myself into something new and acceptable for the world I was entering.
The strength of this new life was invigorating and it sent delighted spasms up and down my body. The ugly was all behind me now, buried in a grave reaching depths of what I hoped was infinite and never coming back. I kept crying because there was nothing there to hold me back, I cried because I could and I smiled because it felt right and warm.
All I had to do was take my first step and enter my paradise, and surprisingly, it came very easily.
You always had it in you…