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Choose 3 of your OCs. They can be from anything. Original stories, fanfic OCs, whatever. It doesn't matter. None of this matters.

1. Anatoly Baile (werewolf, police officer, the year is 1896)
2. Francisco Cortes (mutant, super hero, Spanish teacher, the year is 2004)
3. Jack Bowman (human, English teacher, hostage, the year is 2008)
4. Clark Rhuttford (human, pirate, navigator/cartographer, the year is 1721)

1) So. Introduce yourselves. Are you related in any way, or do you have no idea who the hell each other is?

My name is Anatoly Baile, I am twenty six years of age.  I was born in a small town just to the north of London, where I currently reside.  I work as an officer of the law in the Special Division, dealing with the werewolf problem London suffers.  That is, I work on finding and capturing werewolves. I was formally a captain in the general police force.   And, officially, I have never met any of the gentlemen below me.

I—I am Francisco Cortes, I’m t-t-twenty-th-th-three.  I w-was b-born in B-B-Barcelona and r-r-raised in a m-monastery there.  I now l-live in New York.  I’m a S-Spanish teacher and an X-Man.  I would also like to add that I h-ha-have a horrible f-f-feeling about th-this quiz.  B-because she usually only uses m-me when sh-she knows it will b-bother me.   And about th-the others, we’ve n-never really m-met. P-p-please excuse m-m-m-m-m-my s-s-s-st-st-st-stutter.

I’m Jack Bowman, forty-six, resident of Burtan Massachusetts.  I was born in rural New Jersey.  I’m currently being used as bait to lure a magician out of hiding in the World Through.  I really have no idea what’s ever going on anymore so I’m just going to accept this.

Rhuttford.  Clark Rhuttford.  Um…I do not know them, the others I mean.  I am a navigator aboard a pirate ship, I cannot say which for fear of attack.  I cannot say much about myself as I am a conspirator against the crown and…and I do not wish to be found out by his Majesty…especially not before I’ve done anything to overthrow him.  I am from the American colonies, the state of Massachusetts to be exact. Before turning pirate I was a sailor in the British Royal Navy, serving king and country I regret to say.

2) Great, great. So. Ever gotten a blowjob?

I beg pardon?  You couldn’t possibly have asked…I mean to say…what sort of a person asks this sort of question?

*Sigh* I knew it.  I just kn-knew it.

Uh…excuse me?  Okay, I’m going to assume that you’re some kind of a witch or something.  And since coming to the World Through I’ve been asked a lot of weird questions and I know by now that it’s far safer to answer them and suffer the embarrassment than suffer the punishment for remaining silent.  So, yes, yes I have.  I’ve been married twice so I think that’s a fair indication.

A—A what?That’s—that’s—I’m unwed!  I will not have any of it until I have found my soul-mate.  My perfect woman; the one I shall spend my life with and share my heart with.  No, until then I have vowed to stay away from that sort of thing.  I am also…welll…honestly…I’m a little afraid of loose women, shall we say, Captain McGregor’s “type” of girl.  You know, *whispers* ladies of the night…prostitutes....

3) HURR. That last question was uncalled for! Anyhoo. What do you like doing when no one else is looking?

“When no one else is looking?” Dare I ask what you are implying?  I prefer to spend my time alone.  So I do the things I wish to do, read, write my letters, and…well… my affliction requires me to eat raw meat to keep my energy up, otherwise I become lethargic and ill.  So I use my time alone to do this disgusting deed.

Er…th-that’s um…un…I mean…I am sorry, M-Mr. Baile.  I…er…didn’t know…that… Um….

Your reaction is understandable, Mr. Cortes.  And Mr. Rhuttford I’m sorry I’ve made you so pale.  It’s Mr. Bowman’s who’s puzzling me. You aren’t disturbed?

I’m used to things like that by now.  I’ve been seeing really weird gross stuff every day for a long time now.  Too long.

Ah, I suppose it’s m-my turn t-t-to answer?  Wh-what do I do when n-n-no one is l-l-looking?  I have a roommate so time alone is r-rare.  I’m afraid I don’t have the…er…kind of answer you w-w-w-want.  Usually I either call or wr-write to the m-man who raised me, Brother Julio Martinez, or I c-c-catch up on m-my r-r-reading.

I don’t get left alone anymore.  Although it’s not like I could make a break for it.  I’d have no way home.  That’s all I want; I just want to go home.  If no one is watching me I’m probably being allowed to clean up and perform...ahem...more embarrassing bodily functions.  That’s the only time no one is watching me.  And around here, or There, I can’t even be so sure of that.

Practice my plans.  I want to make sure that when I really do it, I want to make sure it all goes right.  I cannot say more.  It’s all top secret.  It’s all very hush-hush.  I cannot tell you anything else not even if you asked me.

4) Have any secret shames that you'd like to indulge upon us today?

I have told you my most secret shame.  I am a werewolf, one of those I hunt.  I am a sinner a sub-human murdering monster.  There is no greater shame than that.

If it’s any—any consolation, Mr. B-B-Baile, I unders-s-stand what you mean.  M-m-my powers…I can…I can control people…I don’t want to!  I w-w-w-would never!  B-but it’s m-my m-m-mutant power and I—I can’t control it.  It's r-r-really horrible

I am a coward, I had strong sexual feelings for a woman half my age, I was afraid of my sister as cancer killed her, I cheated on my SATs, as a kid I hated my father, I was jealous of my son, Mitch, when he was ten and needed stitches because he could face the doctor and the needle so bravely while I was dizzy from just being there with him.  I’ve had a lifetime to make mistakes, and just as much time to think about them.

My brother did not die a hero as the English crown would have us believe.  My brother died at the hands of an Indian brave who killed him for the deaths of his family and the rest of his tribe.  My brother was sent by the crown to kill the innocent and he did it without provocation.  I once thought John was the greatest man on Earth; ever to walk upon Earth.  I now know otherwise.  It is a secret that has inspired and depressed me for as long as I have known it.  It is why I plan to overthrow the monarchy!

5) Got any ultra-quirky kinks?

Kinks? I’m afraid I do not follow.

Oh—oh n-n-n-no!

Anatoly, rather, Mr. Baile, I’m only doing this to help you because I don’t know what the…whatever she is…who created this quiz is capable of or what world they’re from.  So I’m going to tell you what it means.  Please don’t hold it against me.  I would never ask you, I promise, this is in your best interest.

I believe you, Mr. Bowman.  Tell me what it is.

“Kinks” refers to unusual…uh…unusual…bedroom practices.  You know…um…like…bedroom…practices.

More questions of such a crude nature!? Dear God!  This is despicable!  As a Christian I am mortally offended!

*nods in agreement*

I have no answer…because…well…do you really fear for your life, Mr. Bowman?

Where I am now if you don’t answer someone when they ask you something it can mean your head.

*takes a deep breath* I have no answer because those who suffer from my horrific affliction are drained of that need.  Werewolves do not procreate in the normal way.  They are far more perverted and horrible than humans.  A werewolf’s bite is the closest thing one can get to physical love.  I may kiss my fiancée, and I love her dearly, but the human...er...carnal urge is absent.  And that is all I will say on the matter.

*sigh* I’ve been f-f-forced to d-d-do th-these q-q-quizzes s-so m-m-many times but I s-still g-g-get th-thrown by th-th-this.  I—I—I’m n-not com-comfortable with th-this in th-th-the least.  I-I-I d-don’t think I-I-I-I have any.  I-I-I mean…some people may think…I don’t mean that I…er…it isn’t…I don’t…I’m…well…I…I’m h-h-h-h-h-ho-hom-homo-homo-homosexual.  I…er…I have…I have a boyfriend….  But I haven’t…we aren’t m-m-m-married.  So…I mean…I’m a Catholic…I was a monk once…so I…we haven’t….er…what I mean is….I’m a…a…vi-vi-vi-virgin.

No.  Not me.  Not really.

*Eeeeeeeiiiiiigggh!!!*  C-c-c-can you really ask me that?  Are…are *you* one of Captain McGregor’s “friends?”  I do not mean to imply but…er…*eeeeiiiigggghhh*

6) Within the last month, how many people have you done questionable acts with?

I have not injured or had relations with anyone in the past month.  It has been almost a month since my last…bout…with my affliction.  And I am happy to say that no one has suffered injury at my hand in many many months.

W-well…I mean…I’ve never…Uh…none.  None…or…or…well…maybe…I mean…if you count….I’ve never…had…but…I…maybe one.  But it wasn’t…I didn’t…He and I…er…uh…what I mean to say is…*trails off into incoherent stuttering*

No one.  My wife is back in our world.  Although several humanoid animals have invaded my personal space in ways I don’t want to discuss.  Ever.

Eeeeeiiiggghhh!!  That sounds horrific Mr. Bowman!

Not talking about it, Mr. Rhuttford.

Clark, please, call me Clark.  And…er…I know what you mean…on land my captain, Captain Felix West, has paid girls money so that they will…offer themselves to me in taverns.  Then he’ll laugh as I try to get out of it.  Well, he did that once.  But it was enough.  I…I almost passed out from shock and embarrassment.

That’s awful!

It’s just his way Captain West is a great man, really, he just likes to have his fun.  You understand, don’t you, Mr. Bowman?

You can call me Jack, Clark. And, yes, I know people like that.

I—I d-d-d-didn’t m-m-mean t-t-to be r-r-rude, of course y-you can call me Francisco.

I cannot roll my “r’s” like that, I’m afraid, Francisco.

Oh…that’s—that’s fine!  I do-don’t mind.

I am sorry.

N-no need to be.

I still prefer, Mr. Baile.  Actually, I would prefer Officer Baile, if you could. And I know none of you gentlemen so well as to call you by your first names.  I shall stick with Bowman, Cortes, and Rhuttford if you do not mind.

Of course not.

Go ahead.

7) Do you love me? I love you.

I can say without the slightest bit of doubt that I do not love you.  I do not know who you are but you have made yourself appear extremely crude and disturbed.

Um…s-s-s-sorry, b-but n-n-n-n-no.

Which do you want me to say?

J-J-J-Jack!?

Whichever they want me to say.  I mean, I’m being polite.  I don’t want to make them feel…feel bad….*trails off* I’m scared.  I don’t want them to hurt me.

I agree with you, Jack.  We do not know what they are capable of!

8) Are you hurt because I lied in that last question?

*dryly* you must feel quite clever. No, I am in no way hurt.  But you should learn to respect others, especially those older than yourself.

N-n-not p-p-p-particularly.  I only h-h-hope it doesn’t m-mean that something w-w-worse is going to happen to us….

No! Or Yes! Um…whichever you want….again…I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.

What does it mean for me?  For us?

9) If you could kill someone and get away with it, who would it be?

Every stinking werewolf in the world.  *shakes head sadly*  Monsters.

N-n-n-no!  What a h-h-horrible question!  Th-that’s awful!  And Off-officer Baile!  You should be ashamed!  You call yourself a Christian and—!  N-no!  I would never kill anyone.  Never.

I would never harm an innocent, Mr. Cortes, only those who harm innocents and kill them or spread their horrible disease.

Even so!!  It’s—it’s—it’s not—it isn’t right.

You call yourself a “super hero,” explain to me what that means.  I assumed it had something to do with being a “hero,” which would imply doing good and thwarting evil.

W-w-w-well, y-yes.  A…a super hero is someone with—with p-p-p-powers wh-who uses th-them t-t-t-to do good.  I-I-I never—would never—never—use my p-p-p-power…my m-m-m-mind con-con-control…I never...never use it.  I-I-I wear s-s-s-sunglasses so I-I-I-I-I never m-m-make d-d-d-direct eye c-c-c-contact.  Never.  B-but I—I have a mu-mutant m-m-memory.  I-I-I can remember any-anything and everything th-that has ever happened, that I have ever seen or felt or w-w-what-have-you in my life.  And-and I use that to help however I can…. But y-y-yes we d-d-do “twart evil” as you said.  We fight what we call terrorists.  Villains.  B-b-b-but I would never want to k-kill anyone.

Even if the world would be better without them?

Well…I…I can’t lie…but…I hate myself for it….but…actually.  There’s a w-woman who calls herself Eve.  Sh-she is the leader of a group c-c-calling itself Genesis.  Eve b-b-b-believes or at least preaches that m-m-mutants are supposed to b-be dominant over humans b-b-b-because they—we—have powers…like saints and like…well…she says…like Christ himself….  That we—we mu-mu-mutants were c-c-created in G-God’s image.  And she uses this-this doctrine as an excuse to—to kill humans.  She wants t-t-t-to, honestly, she wants to take over the world.  And…i-if I could…m-m-maybe I w-w-would…or…I…I don’t think I could.  No.  It isn’t right!  It isn’t…!

I…I can’t think of anyone.  I don’t think I would.

Y-yes.

C-c-Clark!

I would.  I have to.  The king himself.  I would kill King George....

10) What is the one things that sets you off so much that you'll go from docile to rabid squirrel monkey in 12 seconds?

Werewolves and their paths of destruction.  I do not understand what “rabid squirrel monkey” means, but I assume it is quite upset.  A squirrel monkey, is a new world monkey from South America, yes? I don’t really understand why a rabid one would be particularly angry instead of just rabid.

Eve.

Um.  I don’t really know.  I’m too…I’m too much of a coward.

The British crown.  The evils and corruption of the crown.

11) Who the hell are you people? Why are you in my house? Are you even people? Get outta my stuff!

You’re the one who asked us all these other questions! You’re the one who requested our presence!  That is why I am here!  But…me…I…I am not a person.  I’m a monster.

Officer…officer Baile.  D-d-don’t!  Y-y-you...you aren’t...I m-m-mean....

Don’t try to persuade me otherwise, Mr. Cortes.  I know what I am.  But…what are you?  What is a “mutant?”

I…I was actually curious about that as well, Francisco.  But you do not have to say!  I’m afraid I’ve been rather nervous around you since *eeeeiiiiiggghhh* since you said you can… “control” people’s minds.

That’s…that’s why you’re av-av-avoiding m-m-me.  Oh—oh no.  C-C-Clark, I-I’m sorry…p-p-please trust me!  I—I wouldn’t—!  I would never—!  Er…let me…let me explain….I…I’m…it means…it means that I…I…I have special powers…b-because of an activated gene called X-Factor and…er…oh…dear…you have no idea what I mean d-d-do you?

No, I am afraid not.  What’s a gene?

Er…never mind, let me try it like this.  I was born with special powers that normal people don’t have.  Like my memory and…th-th-th-th-…m-m-m-m-m…well the other thing.

But there are others like you in your world? Other “mutants” with “genes” and “powers?” People like that Eve?

Y-y-yes, p-p-please d-don’t m-m-m-mention Eve, please.

I’m sorry!  Please don’t go “rabid monkey squirrel!” Or…whatever it was….

I wouldn’t!  Er…b-but yes, mutants are becoming increasingly common.

It’s funny.

What is?

Well, where I come from “mutants” aren’t real, not the kind like you anyway, but I’ve heard of them.

How?

You’re in comic books.

A…a comic book?  I’m in a comic book?

Not you exactly, I don’t remember ever hearing about you but I haven’t read an X-Men comic since I was about seventeen.  In my world you’re fictional.

F-f-f-fictional? I’m not real?  There’s a world where I don’t exist…? But…I…really? I…I…I…f-f-f-f-fictional.  Oh…my…word…. What does that mean….

It doesn’t make sense.  Not to me, maybe to a physicist.  I didn’t mean to upset you.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said anything!  Listen to me.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, Francisco, it’s that nothing is “fictional.”  I used to think fairytales were just, well, fairytales…then I went to the World Through and I know otherwise.  Nothing is fake.  Everything is out there…somewhere.

C-c-comic books.  S-s-s-so strange.

I—is she still mad at us?

I don’t know.

She’s stopped talking.

12) Does rain filter down through your handsome volcano rocks to create a wild mineral water that's tasty for the ladies?

I...

Oh…dear….

Wow…

I’m afraid I do not understand.

Don’t worry Clark, you don’t have to.

But…

I…I…I…I…

13) I'm going off track a little. Um. How many people have seen you bare-ass nekkid?

Not many.  My mother and late father, of course, when I was very small.  The boy’s I used to live with when I was at school since we all shared a WC.  But after I turned fifteen and…suffered my affliction…no one has seen me without my clothes.  I will not show my scars.

I—I—I—I—I!  No one!  No!  Never!  Well, I mean, not since I was a child.

Three girlfriends, two of them later married me, my parents, and maybe my college roommate.

Well, we all live below deck, so, a lot of the crew…but I have seen them nude as well.  Besides Captain West, the surgeon Madelyn Bryar, the first mate Derek Greyson, and Oliver Trowbridge *shivers* he’s our carpenter.

14) How lovely. Have you ever wanted to smoke crack? Are you a crackhead?

I have no idea what you are talking about.  Opium?  I have never had the desire to smoke opium.  I have had to raid opium dens looking for the refuse who linger there.  The smell is suffocating and putrid.  So no.

Never!  No!  No!

No.  I smoked pot in high school but only once.  I was never cool enough.

C-crack? Opium-?  No! No! I keep a clear head!  Never!

15) Are you wondering how many more of these questions you must endure?

I am beginning to.

Well, in all honesty, yes.

Um…yes.

I as well.

16) What's the strangest thing you've ever licked?

Bone marrow, due to my affliction.

Me…? Er…I…I don’t….I don’t know…I’m sorry.

I can’t say, what would you call “strangest?”  I mean, I don’t have the urge to lick anything. I’m a cautious man by nature so I won’t like anything that isn’t normal to lick.

Eeeeeiiiiigggghhh!!  When I was young my brother made me eat dirt.  So…I suppose that is your answer.

17) How many people have you confided in about your contamination with SuperAIDS?

Super…aids? And they are?

Th-th-th-that isn’t funny!  You—you should—take it back!  Please, that’s…it isn’t…it-it isn’t right.

I’m afraid I don’t have an answer.  This sounds like something I’d hear in the lunch room back at the school where I work.

I…don’t…know…

18) There is no question 18.

Very well.

Um…o-o-okay?

Is this a test?

I don’t have…an answer then….

19) Have you ever considered a fetish?

I am going to assume this is another rude question, yes?

Yes.

Unfortunatly.

Ah, yes, I know what a fetish is then.  I was hoping it was some strange verity of slang from the future or wherever this woman comes from.  No, I have not.  Not really.  Werewolves are all perverted in the sense that they do not engage in procreation in the normal way.  The bite and spread the lycanthropic disease.  They wound to feel pleasure.  And, as a werewolf, I too suffer from that…fetish, as you say.  I fight my urges as best I can.  And I can proudly say I have never engaged in it.

Er…No.  Not at all.  I mean…well…no…not really…No.

My first wife liked to be tied up.  But that wasn’t my “thing.”

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH*

20) This mindless torture is over. Does this make you shit your pants in glee?

Charming to the last.  No.  I am quite pleased.  I will say that.  I hope never to suffer like this again.

Y-y-you’re n-new to th-this…er…unfortunately…it’s only over for now.  Sh-she’ll make us do it again.  The Evil Duck, I mean, and m-m-maybe even th-this p-p-person.  Although I h-h-hope not.

Why?

I d-d-don’t know.  I th-think sh-she just likes t-t-t-torturing us.

Well, I have already learned that. My life is proof of that.

*sigh* At least it’s over for now.

Yes.  At least it is for now. I hope.

Well then Mr. Cortes, Mr. Bowman, Mr. Rhuttford, I bid you farewell.

G-goodbye Officer Baile, Jack, and Clark.

See you in the break room.

Are we supposed to mention the Break Room?

…I hope there isn’t a rule against it.

Ah…well…farewell.

Bye.

Description
Choose 3 of your OCs. They can be from anything. Original stories, fanfic OCs, whatever. It doesn't matter. None of this matters.

1. Anatoly Baile (werewolf, police officer, the year is 1896)
2. Francisco Cortes (mutant, super hero, Spanish teacher, the year is 2004)
3. Jack Bowman (human, English teacher, hostage, the year is 2008)
4. Clark Rhuttford (human, pirate, navigator/cartographer, the year is 1721)

1) So. Introduce yourselves. Are you related in any way, or do you have no idea who the hell each other is?

My name is Anatoly Baile, I am twenty six years of age.  I was born in a small town just to the north of London, where I currently reside.  I work as an officer of the law in the Special Division, dealing with the werewolf problem London suffers.  That is, I work on finding and capturing werewolves. I was formally a captain in the general police force.   And, officially, I have never met any of the gentlemen below me.

I—I am Francisco Cortes, I’m t-t-twenty-th-th-three.  I w-was b-born in B-B-Barcelona and r-r-raised in a m-monastery there.  I now l-live in New York.  I’m a S-Spanish teacher and an X-Man.  I would also like to add that I h-ha-have a horrible f-f-feeling about th-this quiz.  B-because she usually only uses m-me when sh-she knows it will b-bother me.   And about th-the others, we’ve n-never really m-met. P-p-please excuse m-m-m-m-m-my s-s-s-st-st-st-stutter.

I’m Jack Bowman, forty-six, resident of Burtan Massachusetts.  I was born in rural New Jersey.  I’m currently being used as bait to lure a magician out of hiding in the World Through.  I really have no idea what’s ever going on anymore so I’m just going to accept this.

Rhuttford.  Clark Rhuttford.  Um…I do not know them, the others I mean.  I am a navigator aboard a pirate ship, I cannot say which for fear of attack.  I cannot say much about myself as I am a conspirator against the crown and…and I do not wish to be found out by his Majesty…especially not before I’ve done anything to overthrow him.  I am from the American colonies, the state of Massachusetts to be exact. Before turning pirate I was a sailor in the British Royal Navy, serving king and country I regret to say.

2) Great, great. So. Ever gotten a blowjob?

I beg pardon?  You couldn’t possibly have asked…I mean to say…what sort of a person asks this sort of question?

*Sigh* I knew it.  I just kn-knew it.

Uh…excuse me?  Okay, I’m going to assume that you’re some kind of a witch or something.  And since coming to the World Through I’ve been asked a lot of weird questions and I know by now that it’s far safer to answer them and suffer the embarrassment than suffer the punishment for remaining silent.  So, yes, yes I have.  I’ve been married twice so I think that’s a fair indication.

A—A what?That’s—that’s—I’m unwed!  I will not have any of it until I have found my soul-mate.  My perfect woman; the one I shall spend my life with and share my heart with.  No, until then I have vowed to stay away from that sort of thing.  I am also…welll…honestly…I’m a little afraid of loose women, shall we say, Captain McGregor’s “type” of girl.  You know, *whispers* ladies of the night…prostitutes....

3) HURR. That last question was uncalled for! Anyhoo. What do you like doing when no one else is looking?

“When no one else is looking?” Dare I ask what you are implying?  I prefer to spend my time alone.  So I do the things I wish to do, read, write my letters, and…well… my affliction requires me to eat raw meat to keep my energy up, otherwise I become lethargic and ill.  So I use my time alone to do this disgusting deed.

Er…th-that’s um…un…I mean…I am sorry, M-Mr. Baile.  I…er…didn’t know…that… Um….

Your reaction is understandable, Mr. Cortes.  And Mr. Rhuttford I’m sorry I’ve made you so pale.  It’s Mr. Bowman’s who’s puzzling me. You aren’t disturbed?

I’m used to things like that by now.  I’ve been seeing really weird gross stuff every day for a long time now.  Too long.

Ah, I suppose it’s m-my turn t-t-to answer?  Wh-what do I do when n-n-no one is l-l-looking?  I have a roommate so time alone is r-rare.  I’m afraid I don’t have the…er…kind of answer you w-w-w-want.  Usually I either call or wr-write to the m-man who raised me, Brother Julio Martinez, or I c-c-catch up on m-my r-r-reading.

I don’t get left alone anymore.  Although it’s not like I could make a break for it.  I’d have no way home.  That’s all I want; I just want to go home.  If no one is watching me I’m probably being allowed to clean up and perform...ahem...more embarrassing bodily functions.  That’s the only time no one is watching me.  And around here, or There, I can’t even be so sure of that.

Practice my plans.  I want to make sure that when I really do it, I want to make sure it all goes right.  I cannot say more.  It’s all top secret.  It’s all very hush-hush.  I cannot tell you anything else not even if you asked me.

4) Have any secret shames that you'd like to indulge upon us today?

I have told you my most secret shame.  I am a werewolf, one of those I hunt.  I am a sinner a sub-human murdering monster.  There is no greater shame than that.

If it’s any—any consolation, Mr. B-B-Baile, I unders-s-stand what you mean.  M-m-my powers…I can…I can control people…I don’t want to!  I w-w-w-would never!  B-but it’s m-my m-m-mutant power and I—I can’t control it.  It's r-r-really horrible

I am a coward, I had strong sexual feelings for a woman half my age, I was afraid of my sister as cancer killed her, I cheated on my SATs, as a kid I hated my father, I was jealous of my son, Mitch, when he was ten and needed stitches because he could face the doctor and the needle so bravely while I was dizzy from just being there with him.  I’ve had a lifetime to make mistakes, and just as much time to think about them.

My brother did not die a hero as the English crown would have us believe.  My brother died at the hands of an Indian brave who killed him for the deaths of his family and the rest of his tribe.  My brother was sent by the crown to kill the innocent and he did it without provocation.  I once thought John was the greatest man on Earth; ever to walk upon Earth.  I now know otherwise.  It is a secret that has inspired and depressed me for as long as I have known it.  It is why I plan to overthrow the monarchy!

5) Got any ultra-quirky kinks?

Kinks? I’m afraid I do not follow.

Oh—oh n-n-n-no!

Anatoly, rather, Mr. Baile, I’m only doing this to help you because I don’t know what the…whatever she is…who created this quiz is capable of or what world they’re from.  So I’m going to tell you what it means.  Please don’t hold it against me.  I would never ask you, I promise, this is in your best interest.

I believe you, Mr. Bowman.  Tell me what it is.

“Kinks” refers to unusual…uh…unusual…bedroom practices.  You know…um…like…bedroom…practices.

More questions of such a crude nature!? Dear God!  This is despicable!  As a Christian I am mortally offended!

*nods in agreement*

I have no answer…because…well…do you really fear for your life, Mr. Bowman?

Where I am now if you don’t answer someone when they ask you something it can mean your head.

*takes a deep breath* I have no answer because those who suffer from my horrific affliction are drained of that need.  Werewolves do not procreate in the normal way.  They are far more perverted and horrible than humans.  A werewolf’s bite is the closest thing one can get to physical love.  I may kiss my fiancée, and I love her dearly, but the human...er...carnal urge is absent.  And that is all I will say on the matter.

*sigh* I’ve been f-f-forced to d-d-do th-these q-q-quizzes s-so m-m-many times but I s-still g-g-get th-thrown by th-th-this.  I—I—I’m n-not com-comfortable with th-this in th-th-the least.  I-I-I d-don’t think I-I-I-I have any.  I-I-I mean…some people may think…I don’t mean that I…er…it isn’t…I don’t…I’m…well…I…I’m h-h-h-h-h-ho-hom-homo-homo-homosexual.  I…er…I have…I have a boyfriend….  But I haven’t…we aren’t m-m-m-married.  So…I mean…I’m a Catholic…I was a monk once…so I…we haven’t….er…what I mean is….I’m a…a…vi-vi-vi-virgin.

No.  Not me.  Not really.

*Eeeeeeeiiiiiigggh!!!*  C-c-c-can you really ask me that?  Are…are *you* one of Captain McGregor’s “friends?”  I do not mean to imply but…er…*eeeeiiiigggghhh*

6) Within the last month, how many people have you done questionable acts with?

I have not injured or had relations with anyone in the past month.  It has been almost a month since my last…bout…with my affliction.  And I am happy to say that no one has suffered injury at my hand in many many months.

W-well…I mean…I’ve never…Uh…none.  None…or…or…well…maybe…I mean…if you count….I’ve never…had…but…I…maybe one.  But it wasn’t…I didn’t…He and I…er…uh…what I mean to say is…*trails off into incoherent stuttering*

No one.  My wife is back in our world.  Although several humanoid animals have invaded my personal space in ways I don’t want to discuss.  Ever.

Eeeeeiiiggghhh!!  That sounds horrific Mr. Bowman!

Not talking about it, Mr. Rhuttford.

Clark, please, call me Clark.  And…er…I know what you mean…on land my captain, Captain Felix West, has paid girls money so that they will…offer themselves to me in taverns.  Then he’ll laugh as I try to get out of it.  Well, he did that once.  But it was enough.  I…I almost passed out from shock and embarrassment.

That’s awful!

It’s just his way Captain West is a great man, really, he just likes to have his fun.  You understand, don’t you, Mr. Bowman?

You can call me Jack, Clark. And, yes, I know people like that.

I—I d-d-d-didn’t m-m-mean t-t-to be r-r-rude, of course y-you can call me Francisco.

I cannot roll my “r’s” like that, I’m afraid, Francisco.

Oh…that’s—that’s fine!  I do-don’t mind.

I am sorry.

N-no need to be.

I still prefer, Mr. Baile.  Actually, I would prefer Officer Baile, if you could. And I know none of you gentlemen so well as to call you by your first names.  I shall stick with Bowman, Cortes, and Rhuttford if you do not mind.

Of course not.

Go ahead.

7) Do you love me? I love you.

I can say without the slightest bit of doubt that I do not love you.  I do not know who you are but you have made yourself appear extremely crude and disturbed.

Um…s-s-s-sorry, b-but n-n-n-n-no.

Which do you want me to say?

J-J-J-Jack!?

Whichever they want me to say.  I mean, I’m being polite.  I don’t want to make them feel…feel bad….*trails off* I’m scared.  I don’t want them to hurt me.

I agree with you, Jack.  We do not know what they are capable of!

8) Are you hurt because I lied in that last question?

*dryly* you must feel quite clever. No, I am in no way hurt.  But you should learn to respect others, especially those older than yourself.

N-n-not p-p-p-particularly.  I only h-h-hope it doesn’t m-mean that something w-w-worse is going to happen to us….

No! Or Yes! Um…whichever you want….again…I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.

What does it mean for me?  For us?

9) If you could kill someone and get away with it, who would it be?

Every stinking werewolf in the world.  *shakes head sadly*  Monsters.

N-n-n-no!  What a h-h-horrible question!  Th-that’s awful!  And Off-officer Baile!  You should be ashamed!  You call yourself a Christian and—!  N-no!  I would never kill anyone.  Never.

I would never harm an innocent, Mr. Cortes, only those who harm innocents and kill them or spread their horrible disease.

Even so!!  It’s—it’s—it’s not—it isn’t right.

You call yourself a “super hero,” explain to me what that means.  I assumed it had something to do with being a “hero,” which would imply doing good and thwarting evil.

W-w-w-well, y-yes.  A…a super hero is someone with—with p-p-p-powers wh-who uses th-them t-t-t-to do good.  I-I-I never—would never—never—use my p-p-p-power…my m-m-m-mind con-con-control…I never...never use it.  I-I-I wear s-s-s-sunglasses so I-I-I-I-I never m-m-make d-d-d-direct eye c-c-c-contact.  Never.  B-but I—I have a mu-mutant m-m-memory.  I-I-I can remember any-anything and everything th-that has ever happened, that I have ever seen or felt or w-w-what-have-you in my life.  And-and I use that to help however I can…. But y-y-yes we d-d-do “twart evil” as you said.  We fight what we call terrorists.  Villains.  B-b-b-but I would never want to k-kill anyone.

Even if the world would be better without them?

Well…I…I can’t lie…but…I hate myself for it….but…actually.  There’s a w-woman who calls herself Eve.  Sh-she is the leader of a group c-c-calling itself Genesis.  Eve b-b-b-believes or at least preaches that m-m-mutants are supposed to b-be dominant over humans b-b-b-because they—we—have powers…like saints and like…well…she says…like Christ himself….  That we—we mu-mu-mutants were c-c-created in G-God’s image.  And she uses this-this doctrine as an excuse to—to kill humans.  She wants t-t-t-to, honestly, she wants to take over the world.  And…i-if I could…m-m-maybe I w-w-would…or…I…I don’t think I could.  No.  It isn’t right!  It isn’t…!

I…I can’t think of anyone.  I don’t think I would.

Y-yes.

C-c-Clark!

I would.  I have to.  The king himself.  I would kill King George....

10) What is the one things that sets you off so much that you'll go from docile to rabid squirrel monkey in 12 seconds?

Werewolves and their paths of destruction.  I do not understand what “rabid squirrel monkey” means, but I assume it is quite upset.  A squirrel monkey, is a new world monkey from South America, yes? I don’t really understand why a rabid one would be particularly angry instead of just rabid.

Eve.

Um.  I don’t really know.  I’m too…I’m too much of a coward.

The British crown.  The evils and corruption of the crown.

11) Who the hell are you people? Why are you in my house? Are you even people? Get outta my stuff!

You’re the one who asked us all these other questions! You’re the one who requested our presence!  That is why I am here!  But…me…I…I am not a person.  I’m a monster.

Officer…officer Baile.  D-d-don’t!  Y-y-you...you aren’t...I m-m-mean....

Don’t try to persuade me otherwise, Mr. Cortes.  I know what I am.  But…what are you?  What is a “mutant?”

I…I was actually curious about that as well, Francisco.  But you do not have to say!  I’m afraid I’ve been rather nervous around you since *eeeeiiiiiggghhh* since you said you can… “control” people’s minds.

That’s…that’s why you’re av-av-avoiding m-m-me.  Oh—oh no.  C-C-Clark, I-I’m sorry…p-p-please trust me!  I—I wouldn’t—!  I would never—!  Er…let me…let me explain….I…I’m…it means…it means that I…I…I have special powers…b-because of an activated gene called X-Factor and…er…oh…dear…you have no idea what I mean d-d-do you?

No, I am afraid not.  What’s a gene?

Er…never mind, let me try it like this.  I was born with special powers that normal people don’t have.  Like my memory and…th-th-th-th-…m-m-m-m-m…well the other thing.

But there are others like you in your world? Other “mutants” with “genes” and “powers?” People like that Eve?

Y-y-yes, p-p-please d-don’t m-m-m-mention Eve, please.

I’m sorry!  Please don’t go “rabid monkey squirrel!” Or…whatever it was….

I wouldn’t!  Er…b-but yes, mutants are becoming increasingly common.

It’s funny.

What is?

Well, where I come from “mutants” aren’t real, not the kind like you anyway, but I’ve heard of them.

How?

You’re in comic books.

A…a comic book?  I’m in a comic book?

Not you exactly, I don’t remember ever hearing about you but I haven’t read an X-Men comic since I was about seventeen.  In my world you’re fictional.

F-f-f-fictional? I’m not real?  There’s a world where I don’t exist…? But…I…really? I…I…I…f-f-f-f-fictional.  Oh…my…word…. What does that mean….

It doesn’t make sense.  Not to me, maybe to a physicist.  I didn’t mean to upset you.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said anything!  Listen to me.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, Francisco, it’s that nothing is “fictional.”  I used to think fairytales were just, well, fairytales…then I went to the World Through and I know otherwise.  Nothing is fake.  Everything is out there…somewhere.

C-c-comic books.  S-s-s-so strange.

I—is she still mad at us?

I don’t know.

She’s stopped talking.

12) Does rain filter down through your handsome volcano rocks to create a wild mineral water that's tasty for the ladies?

I...

Oh…dear….

Wow…

I’m afraid I do not understand.

Don’t worry Clark, you don’t have to.

But…

I…I…I…I…

13) I'm going off track a little. Um. How many people have seen you bare-ass nekkid?

Not many.  My mother and late father, of course, when I was very small.  The boy’s I used to live with when I was at school since we all shared a WC.  But after I turned fifteen and…suffered my affliction…no one has seen me without my clothes.  I will not show my scars.

I—I—I—I—I!  No one!  No!  Never!  Well, I mean, not since I was a child.

Three girlfriends, two of them later married me, my parents, and maybe my college roommate.

Well, we all live below deck, so, a lot of the crew…but I have seen them nude as well.  Besides Captain West, the surgeon Madelyn Bryar, the first mate Derek Greyson, and Oliver Trowbridge *shivers* he’s our carpenter.

14) How lovely. Have you ever wanted to smoke crack? Are you a crackhead?

I have no idea what you are talking about.  Opium?  I have never had the desire to smoke opium.  I have had to raid opium dens looking for the refuse who linger there.  The smell is suffocating and putrid.  So no.

Never!  No!  No!

No.  I smoked pot in high school but only once.  I was never cool enough.

C-crack? Opium-?  No! No! I keep a clear head!  Never!

15) Are you wondering how many more of these questions you must endure?

I am beginning to.

Well, in all honesty, yes.

Um…yes.

I as well.

16) What's the strangest thing you've ever licked?

Bone marrow, due to my affliction.

Me…? Er…I…I don’t….I don’t know…I’m sorry.

I can’t say, what would you call “strangest?”  I mean, I don’t have the urge to lick anything. I’m a cautious man by nature so I won’t like anything that isn’t normal to lick.

Eeeeeiiiiigggghhh!!  When I was young my brother made me eat dirt.  So…I suppose that is your answer.

17) How many people have you confided in about your contamination with SuperAIDS?

Super…aids? And they are?

Th-th-th-that isn’t funny!  You—you should—take it back!  Please, that’s…it isn’t…it-it isn’t right.

I’m afraid I don’t have an answer.  This sounds like something I’d hear in the lunch room back at the school where I work.

I…don’t…know…

18) There is no question 18.

Very well.

Um…o-o-okay?

Is this a test?

I don’t have…an answer then….

19) Have you ever considered a fetish?

I am going to assume this is another rude question, yes?

Yes.

Unfortunatly.

Ah, yes, I know what a fetish is then.  I was hoping it was some strange verity of slang from the future or wherever this woman comes from.  No, I have not.  Not really.  Werewolves are all perverted in the sense that they do not engage in procreation in the normal way.  The bite and spread the lycanthropic disease.  They wound to feel pleasure.  And, as a werewolf, I too suffer from that…fetish, as you say.  I fight my urges as best I can.  And I can proudly say I have never engaged in it.

Er…No.  Not at all.  I mean…well…no…not really…No.

My first wife liked to be tied up.  But that wasn’t my “thing.”

*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH*

20) This mindless torture is over. Does this make you shit your pants in glee?

Charming to the last.  No.  I am quite pleased.  I will say that.  I hope never to suffer like this again.

Y-y-you’re n-new to th-this…er…unfortunately…it’s only over for now.  Sh-she’ll make us do it again.  The Evil Duck, I mean, and m-m-maybe even th-this p-p-person.  Although I h-h-hope not.

Why?

I d-d-don’t know.  I th-think sh-she just likes t-t-t-torturing us.

Well, I have already learned that. My life is proof of that.

*sigh* At least it’s over for now.

Yes.  At least it is for now. I hope.

Well then Mr. Cortes, Mr. Bowman, Mr. Rhuttford, I bid you farewell.

G-goodbye Officer Baile, Jack, and Clark.

See you in the break room.

Are we supposed to mention the Break Room?

…I hope there isn’t a rule against it.

Ah…well…farewell.

Bye.