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It is an undeniable fact of life that some people are retarded. It is similarly true that some people read books. I was astonished, however, to discover that some retarded people are aware of the existence of books - a few even attempt to read them! After this revelation, there was simply nothing for it but to do some research. I have determined the following:

1. 'People actually read “bodice-rippers.”' I was not aware that these quasi-smutty compilations of terms like “bountifully heaving bosoms” and “rapaciously lusty breaths” actually served a purpose, but apparently they do. Their purpose is to excite the imaginations and possibly genitals of lonely women, lonelier wives, and incredibly lonely men.

2. 'It is possible to make money by writing a book about nothing, OR, writing a book made up of parts of other books with very little effort on the part of the author.' I cannot believe that such a ludicrously stupid cash-grab could actually work. Moreover, I cannot believe I have not yet been involved in such an endeavour. I feel cheated.

3. 'Inordinately religious people are tremendous faggots.' Take note of the term “inordinately.” A good friend of mine is a member of the Jesuits, but his dedication to his faith is perfectly ordinate because he is a nice, rational guy who just happens to be madly in love with Jesus or something, I don’t know, my attitude is don’t-ask-don’t-tell about these torrid affairs. Anyway, the vast majority of religious folk do not fit into the “tremendous faggot” category. However, if you honestly believe Harry Potter will turn your children into Satanists who sacrifice altar boys and rape goats, you are inordinately religious (or really fucking stupid). Which brings me to my next point:

4. 'For some reason a bunch of really stupid people hate Harry Potter.' There are also perfectly intelligent people who hate Harry Potter, such as the ones who simply feel it is too childish or perhaps too devoid of bountifully heaving bosoms and rapaciously lusty breaths (a valid issue which I believe Rowling will remedy in the seventh installment). But, lusty bosoms aside, the fact remains that there are bible-thumping twits out there who are absolutely goddamn sure that reading a single word of Harry Potter will make you sprout horns and spines and a tail and turn into a demon like that gay villain from Heavy Metal FAKK 2. I think his name was Odin. Odin loves Harry Potter. You don’t want to anger the All-Father, do you? No? Stop being a bitch, then.

I was particularly intrigued by the furore that has taken place over the Harry Potter series of books. I have carefully catalogued some of the complaints against it by concerned Christians around the globe (i.e. in the Bible Belt and possibly Wal-Mart). Though there are a great many of these, I am a patient and also slightly psychotic man, and I therefore have the right mindset for this endeavour. The list of concerns, and my own observations thereof, follows:

1. 'Harry Potter promotes devil worship.' I have read all of the books presently available and I have seen no evidence to support this. In fact, I believe that Harry Potter merely promotes constant attempts to go on ill-fated adventures and possibly die for no good reason aside from really wanting to go on ill-fated adventures and possibly die. Christians are all about death, since their leader died and that’s a good thing apparently. So, Harry Potter teaches a wholesome Christian message of purposeless death, rather than the corrupted message of casual devil worship many fear.

2. 'Harry Potter teaches children to disrespect authority figures.' This is also untrue. The Harry Potter series merely teaches children that it is best to pretend nothing is wrong and simply endure the constant unfairness and oppression that their parents or guardians heap upon them. This attitude is as Christian as crosses and holy water. As an added bonus, the books give children the heartwarming message that they will one day have the opportunity to take bloody revenge using forbidden dark magicks. As I have learned from a documentary on the history of the Spanish Inquisition which I watched while drunk, Christians love bloody and possibly unfounded revenge. Therefore, Harry Potter teaches children to be both humble and murderous. This is an excellent Christian virtue to learn, since the meek will inherit the Earth (after murdering the prideful for their sins).

3. 'Harry Potter will lure children away from wholesome activities like racism and homophobia and tempt them with the promise of unholy arcane power.' Though I carefully combed through each book, I did not find any hidden formulae or incantations that allowed me to transform my pants into a bloodthirsty pants-golem, which as far as I’m concerned makes this series a total failure as far as dark grimoires go. After learning that they cannot create pants-related minions with anything in the Harry Potter books, children will tire of the antics of Harry, Ron, and Hermione and will return to healthy childhood games, such as throwing rocks at homeless people and accusing single mothers of being harlots.

4. 'Harry Potter is Godless and heretical.' This is simply unfair. On numerous occasions, Harry demonstrates his Christian values by refusing to associate with Draco Malfoy, a filthy Protestant. He also endeavours to destroy the heathen Voldemort, a wicked and licentious Liberal whose free-loving lifestyle has resulted in his being crippled by STDs, leaving him a wasted shell who must rely on his bleeding-heart minions to stall his decent, God-fearing enemies.

5. 'Harry Potter assassinated President Kennedy.' I’m not actually sure where this one came from, but I saw no mention of such an event in the books, so I think it’s probably just an attempt to whitewash the CIA’s involvement.

And there you have it. To conclude this research essay on something or other that I never clearly established, I will list the positive values your children can learn from reading the Harry Potter series: purposeless death, fearful humility, bloody revenge, respect for the non-living nature of pants, intolerance of schismatic “Churches” and their filthy Liberal allies, and a hearty appreciation for the noble American pastime of not assassinating Presidents. As you can clearly see, Harry Potter is chock-full of wonderfully educational messages that all of our children should be blessed enough to learn while they’re still young and easily broken. Go out and buy the whole series!

Description
It is an undeniable fact of life that some people are retarded. It is similarly true that some people read books. I was astonished, however, to discover that some retarded people are aware of the existence of books - a few even attempt to read them! After this revelation, there was simply nothing for it but to do some research. I have determined the following:

1. 'People actually read “bodice-rippers.”' I was not aware that these quasi-smutty compilations of terms like “bountifully heaving bosoms” and “rapaciously lusty breaths” actually served a purpose, but apparently they do. Their purpose is to excite the imaginations and possibly genitals of lonely women, lonelier wives, and incredibly lonely men.

2. 'It is possible to make money by writing a book about nothing, OR, writing a book made up of parts of other books with very little effort on the part of the author.' I cannot believe that such a ludicrously stupid cash-grab could actually work. Moreover, I cannot believe I have not yet been involved in such an endeavour. I feel cheated.

3. 'Inordinately religious people are tremendous faggots.' Take note of the term “inordinately.” A good friend of mine is a member of the Jesuits, but his dedication to his faith is perfectly ordinate because he is a nice, rational guy who just happens to be madly in love with Jesus or something, I don’t know, my attitude is don’t-ask-don’t-tell about these torrid affairs. Anyway, the vast majority of religious folk do not fit into the “tremendous faggot” category. However, if you honestly believe Harry Potter will turn your children into Satanists who sacrifice altar boys and rape goats, you are inordinately religious (or really fucking stupid). Which brings me to my next point:

4. 'For some reason a bunch of really stupid people hate Harry Potter.' There are also perfectly intelligent people who hate Harry Potter, such as the ones who simply feel it is too childish or perhaps too devoid of bountifully heaving bosoms and rapaciously lusty breaths (a valid issue which I believe Rowling will remedy in the seventh installment). But, lusty bosoms aside, the fact remains that there are bible-thumping twits out there who are absolutely goddamn sure that reading a single word of Harry Potter will make you sprout horns and spines and a tail and turn into a demon like that gay villain from Heavy Metal FAKK 2. I think his name was Odin. Odin loves Harry Potter. You don’t want to anger the All-Father, do you? No? Stop being a bitch, then.

I was particularly intrigued by the furore that has taken place over the Harry Potter series of books. I have carefully catalogued some of the complaints against it by concerned Christians around the globe (i.e. in the Bible Belt and possibly Wal-Mart). Though there are a great many of these, I am a patient and also slightly psychotic man, and I therefore have the right mindset for this endeavour. The list of concerns, and my own observations thereof, follows:

1. 'Harry Potter promotes devil worship.' I have read all of the books presently available and I have seen no evidence to support this. In fact, I believe that Harry Potter merely promotes constant attempts to go on ill-fated adventures and possibly die for no good reason aside from really wanting to go on ill-fated adventures and possibly die. Christians are all about death, since their leader died and that’s a good thing apparently. So, Harry Potter teaches a wholesome Christian message of purposeless death, rather than the corrupted message of casual devil worship many fear.

2. 'Harry Potter teaches children to disrespect authority figures.' This is also untrue. The Harry Potter series merely teaches children that it is best to pretend nothing is wrong and simply endure the constant unfairness and oppression that their parents or guardians heap upon them. This attitude is as Christian as crosses and holy water. As an added bonus, the books give children the heartwarming message that they will one day have the opportunity to take bloody revenge using forbidden dark magicks. As I have learned from a documentary on the history of the Spanish Inquisition which I watched while drunk, Christians love bloody and possibly unfounded revenge. Therefore, Harry Potter teaches children to be both humble and murderous. This is an excellent Christian virtue to learn, since the meek will inherit the Earth (after murdering the prideful for their sins).

3. 'Harry Potter will lure children away from wholesome activities like racism and homophobia and tempt them with the promise of unholy arcane power.' Though I carefully combed through each book, I did not find any hidden formulae or incantations that allowed me to transform my pants into a bloodthirsty pants-golem, which as far as I’m concerned makes this series a total failure as far as dark grimoires go. After learning that they cannot create pants-related minions with anything in the Harry Potter books, children will tire of the antics of Harry, Ron, and Hermione and will return to healthy childhood games, such as throwing rocks at homeless people and accusing single mothers of being harlots.

4. 'Harry Potter is Godless and heretical.' This is simply unfair. On numerous occasions, Harry demonstrates his Christian values by refusing to associate with Draco Malfoy, a filthy Protestant. He also endeavours to destroy the heathen Voldemort, a wicked and licentious Liberal whose free-loving lifestyle has resulted in his being crippled by STDs, leaving him a wasted shell who must rely on his bleeding-heart minions to stall his decent, God-fearing enemies.

5. 'Harry Potter assassinated President Kennedy.' I’m not actually sure where this one came from, but I saw no mention of such an event in the books, so I think it’s probably just an attempt to whitewash the CIA’s involvement.

And there you have it. To conclude this research essay on something or other that I never clearly established, I will list the positive values your children can learn from reading the Harry Potter series: purposeless death, fearful humility, bloody revenge, respect for the non-living nature of pants, intolerance of schismatic “Churches” and their filthy Liberal allies, and a hearty appreciation for the noble American pastime of not assassinating Presidents. As you can clearly see, Harry Potter is chock-full of wonderfully educational messages that all of our children should be blessed enough to learn while they’re still young and easily broken. Go out and buy the whole series!