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Grocery Day, Chapter Two: In Which One Troll Plays Guitar Hero

When we last left our heroes, the trolls had split up and ventured deep into the bowels of Walmart!

Karkat could only imagine what sort of untold damage Vriska could/would do, but he ignored it for the sake of his sanity. "Fine. Equius, Nepeta, and Eridan, go get dry goods. Cereal, stuff like that. Canned stuff, too. Each of you take a cart. Sollux and I will take care of produce, dairy and deli." The group split; Karkat and Sollux went left, and Nepeta bounced right, Eridan ran to catch up with her, and Equius STRONG RAN after the both of them, muttering about gutterbloods who don't know their place.

On the way, a man in white and dark blue metal armor passed them. Karkat couldn't see through his (or her?) visor, but he could tell the EO was watching him.

This particular Walmart has invested in a special strike force, the Walmart Advancement of Law and Mess from Assholes Removal Team. Usually, they inhabited the deep labrenyth beneath Walmart, but today was a Code 612 day. The WALMART Enforcement Officers were out in full force.

"Do you remember what wath on thale?"

"What?" Karkat emerged from his thoughts. "Oh. No. I never got a chance to look at the ads." Karkat thought. "Do we even get mail? We have a mailbox, but..."

"Every day Aradia checkth the mail, I think. The taketh it up to the attic." Sollux shivered. "And nobody wanth to go in there."

Karkat threw a few random containers of berries into the cart. "Man, I can't believe you used to be flushed for her."

Sollux frowned. "The was alive back then, and not quite ath...thcary."

Karkat was inspecting a watermelon. "And now that musclehead Equius has some sort of weird matesprit/kismesis thing for her." Satisfied with the melon, he placed it in the cart. "How are you and Feferi?"

"Oh, you know." Sollux was selecting kumquats from a display. "The'th out cold half the time, tho it'th not like anything can go wrong."

Karkat raised an eyebrow. "Do you...you don't..when she's..."

Sollux looked at Karkat as if he had just grown two extra eyes and sprouted wings from his kneecaps. "Are you inthane? I'm not ath dethperate ath-" he snorted, "Equith." He looked at a row of apples, deemed them unsatisfactory, and continued down the isle. "Wat'th with you and Nepeta?"

Karkat suddenly looked very interested in a crate of oranges. "Don't even think we have anything put pale feelings. At least, mutually. Ever since the fantroll incident and I...you know..." (Sollux nodded) "...she won't leave me afuckinglone. Her scarlet's even more obvious than Eridan for Feferi."

Sollux and Karkat rounded the corner, toward a deli counter. The pimply young man appeared terrified by the trolls' arrival. "The uthual, pleathe," Sollux said to him. The man made himself busy shredding udderbeast meat on the far end of the counter.

"Whatever happened to you and Terezi?"

Karkat huffed. "Good idea, if you can get past her pure psychomania drugstupor. I think the color red gets her high."

"Karkat! Karkat!" a voice called from behind. Sollux and Karkat turned to see Nepeta sprinting toward them, green coat billowing out behind her. "Karkat!"

He seethed. "By the minor moon, why are yo-"

Nepeta came to a halt. "There's no time! It's Equius! He's-he's playing Guitar Hero against someone!"

Karkat froze, mid-exclamation. "Oh hell no. Why did you let him do that?"

"There was this kid, and he was bragging, and you know Equius, and he, he," Nepeta looked flustered. "Just come on!" Nepeta began to bound off.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck!" Karkat turned to Sollux. "Look, when you get the flesh, get over to Electronics, STAT," he said, then ran after the catgirl.

They moved through the vast store in a blur. Multiple EOs turned to look at the sprinting trolls, but found no basis for legal pursuit.

Nepeta and Karkat came to the gigantic sign that heralded the electronics department. From inside, the combined racket of dozens upon dozens of TVs set to different channels mingled and produced several harsh tones, but one sound was heard below the rest: Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, every so often interrupted by a squeak and a low curse of "fiddlesticks."

"Oh no!" Nepeta grabbed Karkat's sleeve and dragged him down an isle. "The second chorus! They're almost to-"

Karkat and Nepeta found the TV setup just as Freddie Mercury finished wailing "...sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"

"-the solo."

Equius, who looked like he could really use a towel, was currently being schooled by a black child of about ten sweeps. The solo ruined any sense of rhythm Equius had managed to gather, and he was now flubbing just about every note. He was becoming visibly shaken; he was gritting his broken teeth and pressing hard enough to crack the guitar neck.Around three fourths of the way though, Equius's strum bar snapped. Equius proceeded to snap with it. Karkat and Nepeta could only watch in horror as Equius, enraged, ripped his guitar from his torso and flung it into the TV, which exploded in a fury of sparks. The surprised boy Equius had been dueling with had his guitar taken from him and used to pat the side of his head. The kid flew to the ground, a mouth to match Equius's.

Immediately, five WALMART EOs were upon him. He was zapped multiple times by an electronic baton until he fell into an unconscious state, but he didn't go down without a fight: two EOs were left with broken visors and another had his helmet crushed under Equius's foot. Two EOs drove by in what looked like an armored golf cart, placed Equius in a cage with laser bars, and sped off.

"Hey, you!" Karkat opened his mouth to deliver a category five shitstorm of epic proportions upon the nearest EO, "that guy was with me, so-"

The EO, unharmed in the scuffle, turned. "The retrieval of those In Walmart Enforcement's custody can be done in the lower levels of the building," he said simply.

"I-you-but-"

"Please fill out the necessary paperwork and the individual in question will be released."

"Fffffffuck," Karkat released. He turned around and nearly ran into Sollux.

"Karkat, what the hell jutht happened here?"

It was quite the scene. A crowd had gathered around the three remaining EOs: one who was using a fire extinguisher on the now on fire television, one tending to the black boy, and a third talking to an extremely overweight woman, who was probably the boy's mother.

"Well, Equius flipped the fuck you and was taken by the fucking EOs, Nepeta ran away to grub knows where, Eridan is missing and has been, and I haven't seen or heard from Tavros since the former ran off with the latter, the latter going "uHHH," the whole way." Karkat twisted his face into a dopey expression when describing Tavros's speech.

Sollux leaned against the shopping cart and planted a firm x2 Facepalm Combo.

"Why didn't you invite Kanaya? Or even Feferi? Dare I say it, Aradia? You picked the motht dythfunthtional group of pothykoth pothible."

Karkat fumed. "Shut up. At least I can say that right."

Sollux glared. "You did NOT jutht bring up my lithp!"

"What cruel bastard put an 'S' in 'lisp,' anyway?"

You're puthing it, Karkat."

"Hey, Sollux, what sound does a hisslizard make? Sssss..."

"Cut it out!"

"Is there a problem in which I may be of assistance?" Both trolls turned to see an EO looming over them.

Karkat glared at the EO. "No, sir."

"Very well, then. Have a nice day. Remember, everything in our auto care section is fifty perce-"

"Cram it down your protein chute. Come on, Sollux, we're leaving."

Sollux straightened his frown. "To where?"

Karkat glared. The camera zoomed in dramatically. In a low whisper: "Walmart Jail."

Description
Grocery Day, Chapter Two: In Which One Troll Plays Guitar Hero

When we last left our heroes, the trolls had split up and ventured deep into the bowels of Walmart!

Karkat could only imagine what sort of untold damage Vriska could/would do, but he ignored it for the sake of his sanity. "Fine. Equius, Nepeta, and Eridan, go get dry goods. Cereal, stuff like that. Canned stuff, too. Each of you take a cart. Sollux and I will take care of produce, dairy and deli." The group split; Karkat and Sollux went left, and Nepeta bounced right, Eridan ran to catch up with her, and Equius STRONG RAN after the both of them, muttering about gutterbloods who don't know their place.

On the way, a man in white and dark blue metal armor passed them. Karkat couldn't see through his (or her?) visor, but he could tell the EO was watching him.

This particular Walmart has invested in a special strike force, the Walmart Advancement of Law and Mess from Assholes Removal Team. Usually, they inhabited the deep labrenyth beneath Walmart, but today was a Code 612 day. The WALMART Enforcement Officers were out in full force.

"Do you remember what wath on thale?"

"What?" Karkat emerged from his thoughts. "Oh. No. I never got a chance to look at the ads." Karkat thought. "Do we even get mail? We have a mailbox, but..."

"Every day Aradia checkth the mail, I think. The taketh it up to the attic." Sollux shivered. "And nobody wanth to go in there."

Karkat threw a few random containers of berries into the cart. "Man, I can't believe you used to be flushed for her."

Sollux frowned. "The was alive back then, and not quite ath...thcary."

Karkat was inspecting a watermelon. "And now that musclehead Equius has some sort of weird matesprit/kismesis thing for her." Satisfied with the melon, he placed it in the cart. "How are you and Feferi?"

"Oh, you know." Sollux was selecting kumquats from a display. "The'th out cold half the time, tho it'th not like anything can go wrong."

Karkat raised an eyebrow. "Do you...you don't..when she's..."

Sollux looked at Karkat as if he had just grown two extra eyes and sprouted wings from his kneecaps. "Are you inthane? I'm not ath dethperate ath-" he snorted, "Equith." He looked at a row of apples, deemed them unsatisfactory, and continued down the isle. "Wat'th with you and Nepeta?"

Karkat suddenly looked very interested in a crate of oranges. "Don't even think we have anything put pale feelings. At least, mutually. Ever since the fantroll incident and I...you know..." (Sollux nodded) "...she won't leave me afuckinglone. Her scarlet's even more obvious than Eridan for Feferi."

Sollux and Karkat rounded the corner, toward a deli counter. The pimply young man appeared terrified by the trolls' arrival. "The uthual, pleathe," Sollux said to him. The man made himself busy shredding udderbeast meat on the far end of the counter.

"Whatever happened to you and Terezi?"

Karkat huffed. "Good idea, if you can get past her pure psychomania drugstupor. I think the color red gets her high."

"Karkat! Karkat!" a voice called from behind. Sollux and Karkat turned to see Nepeta sprinting toward them, green coat billowing out behind her. "Karkat!"

He seethed. "By the minor moon, why are yo-"

Nepeta came to a halt. "There's no time! It's Equius! He's-he's playing Guitar Hero against someone!"

Karkat froze, mid-exclamation. "Oh hell no. Why did you let him do that?"

"There was this kid, and he was bragging, and you know Equius, and he, he," Nepeta looked flustered. "Just come on!" Nepeta began to bound off.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck!" Karkat turned to Sollux. "Look, when you get the flesh, get over to Electronics, STAT," he said, then ran after the catgirl.

They moved through the vast store in a blur. Multiple EOs turned to look at the sprinting trolls, but found no basis for legal pursuit.

Nepeta and Karkat came to the gigantic sign that heralded the electronics department. From inside, the combined racket of dozens upon dozens of TVs set to different channels mingled and produced several harsh tones, but one sound was heard below the rest: Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, every so often interrupted by a squeak and a low curse of "fiddlesticks."

"Oh no!" Nepeta grabbed Karkat's sleeve and dragged him down an isle. "The second chorus! They're almost to-"

Karkat and Nepeta found the TV setup just as Freddie Mercury finished wailing "...sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!"

"-the solo."

Equius, who looked like he could really use a towel, was currently being schooled by a black child of about ten sweeps. The solo ruined any sense of rhythm Equius had managed to gather, and he was now flubbing just about every note. He was becoming visibly shaken; he was gritting his broken teeth and pressing hard enough to crack the guitar neck.Around three fourths of the way though, Equius's strum bar snapped. Equius proceeded to snap with it. Karkat and Nepeta could only watch in horror as Equius, enraged, ripped his guitar from his torso and flung it into the TV, which exploded in a fury of sparks. The surprised boy Equius had been dueling with had his guitar taken from him and used to pat the side of his head. The kid flew to the ground, a mouth to match Equius's.

Immediately, five WALMART EOs were upon him. He was zapped multiple times by an electronic baton until he fell into an unconscious state, but he didn't go down without a fight: two EOs were left with broken visors and another had his helmet crushed under Equius's foot. Two EOs drove by in what looked like an armored golf cart, placed Equius in a cage with laser bars, and sped off.

"Hey, you!" Karkat opened his mouth to deliver a category five shitstorm of epic proportions upon the nearest EO, "that guy was with me, so-"

The EO, unharmed in the scuffle, turned. "The retrieval of those In Walmart Enforcement's custody can be done in the lower levels of the building," he said simply.

"I-you-but-"

"Please fill out the necessary paperwork and the individual in question will be released."

"Fffffffuck," Karkat released. He turned around and nearly ran into Sollux.

"Karkat, what the hell jutht happened here?"

It was quite the scene. A crowd had gathered around the three remaining EOs: one who was using a fire extinguisher on the now on fire television, one tending to the black boy, and a third talking to an extremely overweight woman, who was probably the boy's mother.

"Well, Equius flipped the fuck you and was taken by the fucking EOs, Nepeta ran away to grub knows where, Eridan is missing and has been, and I haven't seen or heard from Tavros since the former ran off with the latter, the latter going "uHHH," the whole way." Karkat twisted his face into a dopey expression when describing Tavros's speech.

Sollux leaned against the shopping cart and planted a firm x2 Facepalm Combo.

"Why didn't you invite Kanaya? Or even Feferi? Dare I say it, Aradia? You picked the motht dythfunthtional group of pothykoth pothible."

Karkat fumed. "Shut up. At least I can say that right."

Sollux glared. "You did NOT jutht bring up my lithp!"

"What cruel bastard put an 'S' in 'lisp,' anyway?"

You're puthing it, Karkat."

"Hey, Sollux, what sound does a hisslizard make? Sssss..."

"Cut it out!"

"Is there a problem in which I may be of assistance?" Both trolls turned to see an EO looming over them.

Karkat glared at the EO. "No, sir."

"Very well, then. Have a nice day. Remember, everything in our auto care section is fifty perce-"

"Cram it down your protein chute. Come on, Sollux, we're leaving."

Sollux straightened his frown. "To where?"

Karkat glared. The camera zoomed in dramatically. In a low whisper: "Walmart Jail."