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An Essay Upon Friendship part 1: Duty

I have met a lot of people in my brief quarter century of life. I have met old and young, black and white, male and female, gay and straight, pretty much anything you can think of. And in my travels, I have made many friends, and lost many. Though through it all, I have always been perplexed that different people have different understandings of the idea of friendship. Many don't seem to have one at all.

And it is in this perplexed bitter mood that I write this, trying to share some observations and maybe a bit of wisdom from personal experience. Hopefully, it will make some people look at themselves and maybe try to take something from this and better themselves. At the very least, I hope it will be interesting.

First off, I wanted to talk about the idea of duty or responsibility. Because it is one that was hammered into me as a child, but I see very very little of it in my adult life. It is admittedly a bit hard to explain, but there are a few things that I have always held as gospel truth that nearly everyone I meet doesn't seem to understand or care about.

Namely, if you care, you show it. I don't mean you have to buy them flowers, but you do have to show some effort. The lack of EFFORT in relationships of any sort nowadays, be it romantic, professional, casual friends, whatever, just blows my mind. The fact that people don't seem to care if the other person is happy or sad, damaged or healed, or any state at all, I can't fathom that attitude. I was taught and have taught myself over the years that if someone needs your help, you just fucking help them. That's it, really. It seems so simple to me, it genuinely confounds me that so few people seem to understand this basic little principle. If you had a bad day, I give you a hug or tell a joke. I have a duty as your friend to make you happier, because I care about your happiness. I'll never understand when people will swear up and down that we're best friends, I turn to them for help, saying, "I'm extremely depressed." And I'll often get a "huh. Sucks." or just no answer at all. It confuses me, because unless there was some massively important reason why I couldn't respond, I know I have a responsibility to reply, and to do my best to help. Because I'm your friend, and that's what friends do. I can't count the times where someone has called me at 4am and crying, needing a friend. and I have woken up and talked to them for as long as they need, sometimes even leaving bed and going across the state in the middle of sleep time just to see them, to be there for them. To me, that's just... what you do. That's what friends do. It just IS. And so I have never understood when I'd, say, have a family member die or get dumped by a cheating girlfriend, and turn to my friends for help, even as just a text message, and get nothing in return. I just... don't get it? It genuinely confuses me. Because in my head, I thought we had this understanding. We're friends, so we give a shit. isn't that the deal?

Another example of responsibility and duty is how, again unless you have an extremely good excuse (were at a funeral, have the flu, something like that) in general, you should put other people's needs before your own, if they are indeed needs. So, if I'm working and they want me to go drinking, obviously I don't have to agree. But when I'm just playing video games and someone is sad or sick or whatever, I have an obligation as their friend to go and help them, to make their life better. Because that's what friends are for.

What made me want to write this article in the first place were 2 things. First, just that a lot of 'friends' have been extremely shitty lately, and then weirdly kind, and its confusing me so I figured writing it out might help me better understand, or at least, as I said in the intro, help some readers maybe have better relationships in future. The second was walking my dog tonight. My dog is a truly good friend. He comes to me when I'm sad and wants to cuddle. He looks up to me for training, for food, for companionship. I'm his whole world. He doesn't have dog friends he can text, he only has me. He doesn't have video games or books, he only has me. And this revelation, of how important I am to him, coupled with thinking about how he might be alive for, oh, 10-15 years, but I'll be alive for 50, 100, maybe forever given progressing medical technology. And I'm all he has. And he sees me as his best friend, and I see him as one of my best friends too. Because he cares about me, he wants me around, he enjoys my company, he tries to cheer me up when I'm sad, he is always happy to see me, he wants to spend time with me, he's a great true friend. So tonight when I was feeling very sick and extremely tired, but he wanted to go for a walk, I looked into those big brown eyes and saw... him. I saw the years of playing in the park together, all the times we fell asleep cuddling, all the years of hugs and getting the stick and the smiling face with the wagging tail... and just melted inside. He is a true friend of mine. So of course I'll take you for a walk. It makes you happy, and I want nothing more for you than to be genuinely happy. So I walked for miles and miles, letting him sniff his favorite lamp posts and look all around, we paused to look at the stars together, or at least I did and he just kinda stared at anything, but we spent time together. And he was happy. And seeing him happy? made ME happy. because I knew I had done a good thing, the right thing. Yes, it was hard, even writing this now I'm more tired and sickly than before, but I made one of my best friend's life better, and that is so totally worth it.

And so we return to human relationships. I'll never understand why people aren't more like this. Why people don't put in that same effort. Again, unless you have a damn good excuse, frankly... how can you live with yourself? How can you sleep at night knowing what a selfish asshole you are, to not try and make your friends' lives better? When I use words like duty and responsibility, yes they are obligations to me but they're voluntary. You wanted this person to be your friend. You want them to care about you, to be there for you, to make you happy. So why on earth wouldn't you do the same? How can you possibly justify to yourself not making that effort, not putting their happiness before yours, while expecting them to do the same?

I'm not here to complain, I'm just here to express my concerns with the way people treat each other in the 21st century. Frankly, we could be doing a hell of a lot better. This sense of honor and responsibility is something I inherently understand, and hope to teach in my works and daily life. I feel if more people understood this, if people had genuine empathy for others, we'd see a sharp decline in the crappy cheating girlfriends and the arrogant boys who don't care about their girl's feelings. We'd see far less parents choosing their personal purchases over paying for their kids' education. Hell, we might even see religious and political and business leaders giving a shit for the people they're controlling. But that last one is probably impossible.

Still, it's good to have a dream.

So please. I encourage you all to really think about whether you're being as kind, as understanding, as honorable as you could be, and if you're actually making an effort. Think of all the good you could do, the happiness you could spread, and how much would come back to you, too. Try to really examine yourself and your behavior, and make a move towards a better you. Because if you're not? You don't actually have any friends. and some day, it'll come back and bite you in the ass. Make time for people. make an effort. and if you really can't muster up the energy to be a better friend? you deserve all the loneliness and shit you get, asshole.

Description
An Essay Upon Friendship part 1: Duty

I have met a lot of people in my brief quarter century of life. I have met old and young, black and white, male and female, gay and straight, pretty much anything you can think of. And in my travels, I have made many friends, and lost many. Though through it all, I have always been perplexed that different people have different understandings of the idea of friendship. Many don't seem to have one at all.

And it is in this perplexed bitter mood that I write this, trying to share some observations and maybe a bit of wisdom from personal experience. Hopefully, it will make some people look at themselves and maybe try to take something from this and better themselves. At the very least, I hope it will be interesting.

First off, I wanted to talk about the idea of duty or responsibility. Because it is one that was hammered into me as a child, but I see very very little of it in my adult life. It is admittedly a bit hard to explain, but there are a few things that I have always held as gospel truth that nearly everyone I meet doesn't seem to understand or care about.

Namely, if you care, you show it. I don't mean you have to buy them flowers, but you do have to show some effort. The lack of EFFORT in relationships of any sort nowadays, be it romantic, professional, casual friends, whatever, just blows my mind. The fact that people don't seem to care if the other person is happy or sad, damaged or healed, or any state at all, I can't fathom that attitude. I was taught and have taught myself over the years that if someone needs your help, you just fucking help them. That's it, really. It seems so simple to me, it genuinely confounds me that so few people seem to understand this basic little principle. If you had a bad day, I give you a hug or tell a joke. I have a duty as your friend to make you happier, because I care about your happiness. I'll never understand when people will swear up and down that we're best friends, I turn to them for help, saying, "I'm extremely depressed." And I'll often get a "huh. Sucks." or just no answer at all. It confuses me, because unless there was some massively important reason why I couldn't respond, I know I have a responsibility to reply, and to do my best to help. Because I'm your friend, and that's what friends do. I can't count the times where someone has called me at 4am and crying, needing a friend. and I have woken up and talked to them for as long as they need, sometimes even leaving bed and going across the state in the middle of sleep time just to see them, to be there for them. To me, that's just... what you do. That's what friends do. It just IS. And so I have never understood when I'd, say, have a family member die or get dumped by a cheating girlfriend, and turn to my friends for help, even as just a text message, and get nothing in return. I just... don't get it? It genuinely confuses me. Because in my head, I thought we had this understanding. We're friends, so we give a shit. isn't that the deal?

Another example of responsibility and duty is how, again unless you have an extremely good excuse (were at a funeral, have the flu, something like that) in general, you should put other people's needs before your own, if they are indeed needs. So, if I'm working and they want me to go drinking, obviously I don't have to agree. But when I'm just playing video games and someone is sad or sick or whatever, I have an obligation as their friend to go and help them, to make their life better. Because that's what friends are for.

What made me want to write this article in the first place were 2 things. First, just that a lot of 'friends' have been extremely shitty lately, and then weirdly kind, and its confusing me so I figured writing it out might help me better understand, or at least, as I said in the intro, help some readers maybe have better relationships in future. The second was walking my dog tonight. My dog is a truly good friend. He comes to me when I'm sad and wants to cuddle. He looks up to me for training, for food, for companionship. I'm his whole world. He doesn't have dog friends he can text, he only has me. He doesn't have video games or books, he only has me. And this revelation, of how important I am to him, coupled with thinking about how he might be alive for, oh, 10-15 years, but I'll be alive for 50, 100, maybe forever given progressing medical technology. And I'm all he has. And he sees me as his best friend, and I see him as one of my best friends too. Because he cares about me, he wants me around, he enjoys my company, he tries to cheer me up when I'm sad, he is always happy to see me, he wants to spend time with me, he's a great true friend. So tonight when I was feeling very sick and extremely tired, but he wanted to go for a walk, I looked into those big brown eyes and saw... him. I saw the years of playing in the park together, all the times we fell asleep cuddling, all the years of hugs and getting the stick and the smiling face with the wagging tail... and just melted inside. He is a true friend of mine. So of course I'll take you for a walk. It makes you happy, and I want nothing more for you than to be genuinely happy. So I walked for miles and miles, letting him sniff his favorite lamp posts and look all around, we paused to look at the stars together, or at least I did and he just kinda stared at anything, but we spent time together. And he was happy. And seeing him happy? made ME happy. because I knew I had done a good thing, the right thing. Yes, it was hard, even writing this now I'm more tired and sickly than before, but I made one of my best friend's life better, and that is so totally worth it.

And so we return to human relationships. I'll never understand why people aren't more like this. Why people don't put in that same effort. Again, unless you have a damn good excuse, frankly... how can you live with yourself? How can you sleep at night knowing what a selfish asshole you are, to not try and make your friends' lives better? When I use words like duty and responsibility, yes they are obligations to me but they're voluntary. You wanted this person to be your friend. You want them to care about you, to be there for you, to make you happy. So why on earth wouldn't you do the same? How can you possibly justify to yourself not making that effort, not putting their happiness before yours, while expecting them to do the same?

I'm not here to complain, I'm just here to express my concerns with the way people treat each other in the 21st century. Frankly, we could be doing a hell of a lot better. This sense of honor and responsibility is something I inherently understand, and hope to teach in my works and daily life. I feel if more people understood this, if people had genuine empathy for others, we'd see a sharp decline in the crappy cheating girlfriends and the arrogant boys who don't care about their girl's feelings. We'd see far less parents choosing their personal purchases over paying for their kids' education. Hell, we might even see religious and political and business leaders giving a shit for the people they're controlling. But that last one is probably impossible.

Still, it's good to have a dream.

So please. I encourage you all to really think about whether you're being as kind, as understanding, as honorable as you could be, and if you're actually making an effort. Think of all the good you could do, the happiness you could spread, and how much would come back to you, too. Try to really examine yourself and your behavior, and make a move towards a better you. Because if you're not? You don't actually have any friends. and some day, it'll come back and bite you in the ass. Make time for people. make an effort. and if you really can't muster up the energy to be a better friend? you deserve all the loneliness and shit you get, asshole.