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#49 / Not You, It’s Me

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression," Jeten told the man holding a knife at his throat. He kept his mind empty, even though his brother was systems away, with no chance of overhearing a single bothersome or concerning thought. If the man was some sort of telepath, he might find that concerning, but it would keep any other telepaths from overhearing him wondering about the very real chance he was going to get his throat slit. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I’m not afraid.”

Jeten wasn’t telepathic, couldn’t be telepathic, but he knew that the man was lying. Maybe he wasn’t in fear, but he was worried that he was an assassin sent to kill him, someone trying to steal information. Jeten wasn’t supposed to know that they were catering to intelligence agents as well as politicians, but he’d overheard things, pieced together enough fragments to know his boss thought he was pathetic enough to serve snacks and drinks to the elite without any chance of gathering information.

The malicious intent he’d felt on the wine bottle he’d been handed earlier had been enough to let him know that he needed to spill it all before getting to the dignitary of a very wealthy system. So he’d dumped the bottle all over the woman and she hadn’t come back, but he was still serving, so they’d put in a good word for him.

Did you know? his boss had asked, pulling him aside while he got a fresh uniform.

Know what? he’d responded, mind blank.

Nothing. Keep working. Try not to spill things so much. That bottle costs a lot. He’d offered to pay for it, received a laugh in return, and was sent back out with a fresh tray of wine glasses.

“Why are you at all these dinners? What makes you so special? You bounce between companies like-”

“I’m clumsy.”

“What?”

“I’m clumsy. I drop things all the time. The boss always assigns me to the important tables, so I must be doing something right. Maybe they don’t want to be there and I help them leave.”

“You’re always assigned to my table.”

“You must have a lot of money, then, sir.”

“I think you know something you’re not telling me.”

“What would I know that you wouldn’t, sir?”

That earned him a glare. “What do you mean by that?”

“Aren’t you the head of an intelligence agency? Director Nilzhan, right? My boss did say we were serving some rich spy higher-ups.”

“I’m going to be keeping an eye on you.”

“Of course, sir. Shall I escort you back to the dining hall?”

The knife lowered. “Sure.”

-

“Magic makes a man go mad, magic makes my mother sad. But I’m a warlock, I’m a witch- so mix a potion, ride a switch. All the demons dance to blues, dance around in worn suede shoes. And at the center of it all, I am there to take the fall. An exorcism won’t cure me, so on a count of one-two-three- The Devil’s dance with you and me. The Devil’s dance, it’s you, it’s me. The Devil’s dance, not you, it’s-”

“What song is that?”

Jeten dropped the plate he was washing in surprise, and it shattered on the floor. He stared down at it. “Ah…”

Nilzhan didn’t apologize when he looked over, slit eyes boring into him.

“Devil’s a Warlock. My brother and I wrote it. Well, he wrote it, and I sang it. I’m not one for writing lyrics.”

“And it’s about…?”

“I don’t know.” Meren had cried when he sang the whole song, telling him to never sing it again. By himself, he wondered if it meant that his brother thought of him as a demon. Mindless creatures typically were thought of as unholy. “Dancing monsters. We were kids, it doesn’t really have meaning.”

“Everything has a meaning.”

“Then it means he was upset with me because he made me sing about being the Devil and killing my dance partner.”

“And why was he upset with you?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure he had his reasons.” He hadn’t really been self-aware at the time, relapsing back into what he was like after his training with a doctor. “I was a distraction from his studies.”

“Reminds me of some people I know. Tell me, Jeten, why did you request to serve my table?”

There was no real reason. He never had a reason for anything, not when he made decisions blindly. But he could come up with one. Fall back on bad habits he’d long struggled to break. What would Meren say?

“I thought we could talk again. It was nice, even though you thought I was a hired killer.”

Nilzhan accepted his reasoning, and Jeten held out his hand to him, smiling. Cautiously, Nilzhan took it.

-

When Jeten was young, he gave up everything for his brother, who had telepathy. At the time, he’d had no idea that he and his brother were separate people, even though he couldn’t always hear what his brother was thinking. Why wouldn’t he want to help himself? Everyone was supposed to take good care of themselves, make themselves happy. It would make his brother happy, the doctor told him, and Jeten knew that if his brother was happy, it meant he would be happy.

And the doctor told him that Meren was very happy while he was in training, so Jeten was indeed happy. “Without your thoughts to distract him,” the man had told him, “he is excelling. He can attend school. He is getting good grades and making friends. Don’t you want him to continue doing well and being happy?”

“Yes,” he’d responded, without needing to think about it at all.

When Jeten was young, he purged his mind and feelings so that his brother, who missed him and wondered when his twin would be coming home so they could play games and make friends together like he’d been learning how to, would be happy. So that when his family came to pick him up from the remote cabin where he’d been training for a month, they could all be mentally separate and happy.

Meren had not been an individual, and Jeten had controlled him, the doctor had told him. “What an awful thing to do to your brother. If I were you, I would feel very guilty.”

“I made Meren sad?”

“Oh, no. And that’s the problem. Meren cannot feel sad by himself as long as he hears you. Isn’t that terrible?”

“Yes.”

“Exactly. I’ll teach you how to make your brother happy.”

He’d been nothing but a smiling shell when his parents and brother had come to pick him up. Meren had been ecstatic to see him, but the excitement wore off when his brother wouldn’t respond to him. “Jet? Jet, are you okay?” Jet?

He had no thoughts, no feelings. Meren became the stronger twin, with his own personality and capabilities. Jeten was a living doll so his brother could be the bright and happy individual.

Neither of them understood what had happened, but Jeten knew it was to help his brother, and there was nothing more important to him than Meren.

“Meren, are you sure you want to go to such a far away college? It’s in a whole ‘nother system, and there’s a nice music university just a few cities away…” Jeten kept himself empty as he listened in to his brother and parents’ conversation. Meren would be graduating high school in a few weeks, and he’d just been accepted to a university. Jeten wasn’t anywhere close to being ready to graduate, and he wasn’t too keen on the idea of his brother being far from him.

“It’s a great school, Mom! It’s got all the programs I’m interested in.”

“I know, but… Oh, you’ve never been away from home so long.”

“Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll come back and visit every holiday.”

“Is there a reason you only applied to schools outside the system?” their father asked.

“I need to get away from Jeten.”

He went back up to his room, not wanting to hear anymore, and hid underneath his blanket until his brother had left for school, three kilometers away. Then it was time for him to get ready to go to his private school. His mother came up to get him out of bed, but he refused to acknowledge her. “Jeten, dear, what’s wrong?”

“Does Meren hate me?” he asked, finally allowing himself to think. Tears welled up in his eyes. “Is that why he wants to get away from me?”

“You were listening, dear?”

“I came back here after he said that. Does he…?”

“No, sweetheart, of course not. Meren loves you. He just wants you to have a chance to work on developing your mind without having to worry about him. He doesn’t want you to spend your whole life trying not to bother him.”

“But I don’t mind, really.”

She brushed his hair back, giving him a sad smile. “You’ve never had a chance to explore what it’s like to have your own thoughts, whenever you want. I think it’ll be good for you. Besides, he promised he’ll come back to visit as often as he can.”

“Do I make him unhappy?”

“He doesn’t like to see you so empty, Jeten. It makes him feel guilty, even though he didn’t do anything wrong.”

Meren went off to college, and Jeten didn’t see him for over four years. He never came home, only calling him over video.

-

“What did you do to our son?”

“He’ll no longer bother Meren.”

Jet, wake up!

-

“You’re a nice person to be around,” Nilzhan told him. “Quiet, but not too quiet. And you never ask questions.”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“I appreciate a man who knows when to keep his mouth shut and his curiosity quelled.”

Nilzhan was handsome, Jeten let himself think. He was nice to be around. Intelligent, but not in a showy way. Mysterious, leaving Jeten to wonder, late at night in his apartment, if he would be able to piece together things about him Nilzhan would never tell anyone else.

The spymaster kissed him, and Jeten let him.

Why Nilzhan would risk entering a relationship with him, with anyone at all, Jeten would never understand. Though he had learned to experience simple feelings like happiness and sadness, ones that took development were still forbidden to him. He liked spending time with Nilzhan, liked the feeling of being kissed, but there was nothing stronger than that.

There couldn’t be. Not unless someone reversed what had been done to him.

-

Nilzhan pulled his hand onto his belly and Jeten could feel a new roundness to it that had not been there three months ago, the last time the two of them had been able to meet. “You’re-?” He didn’t dare say it out loud, just in case things weren’t entirely secure. When Nilzhan nodded, Jeten smiled wide. He pulled him into a hug. “I’m glad.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“It’ll be dangerous.”

“I know.”

This was one thing he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about. His old tutors and therapists would be proud that he found something he could think about without really having to force himself to. He was excited and wondered what the baby would be like, how them being a hybrid between three species would affect them, if they would have telepathy-

“What are we going to do, Jeten?”

“Our best. I know you’ll protect us, and I’ll take care of it when you’re busy with work.”

Maybe a baby would finally be what made his mind turn back on, having to think about how to take care of them, their needs, always worrying about their safety, whether or not Nilzhan’s enemies knew about their relationship or their child.

Description
#49 / Not You, It’s Me

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression," Jeten told the man holding a knife at his throat. He kept his mind empty, even though his brother was systems away, with no chance of overhearing a single bothersome or concerning thought. If the man was some sort of telepath, he might find that concerning, but it would keep any other telepaths from overhearing him wondering about the very real chance he was going to get his throat slit. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I’m not afraid.”

Jeten wasn’t telepathic, couldn’t be telepathic, but he knew that the man was lying. Maybe he wasn’t in fear, but he was worried that he was an assassin sent to kill him, someone trying to steal information. Jeten wasn’t supposed to know that they were catering to intelligence agents as well as politicians, but he’d overheard things, pieced together enough fragments to know his boss thought he was pathetic enough to serve snacks and drinks to the elite without any chance of gathering information.

The malicious intent he’d felt on the wine bottle he’d been handed earlier had been enough to let him know that he needed to spill it all before getting to the dignitary of a very wealthy system. So he’d dumped the bottle all over the woman and she hadn’t come back, but he was still serving, so they’d put in a good word for him.

Did you know? his boss had asked, pulling him aside while he got a fresh uniform.

Know what? he’d responded, mind blank.

Nothing. Keep working. Try not to spill things so much. That bottle costs a lot. He’d offered to pay for it, received a laugh in return, and was sent back out with a fresh tray of wine glasses.

“Why are you at all these dinners? What makes you so special? You bounce between companies like-”

“I’m clumsy.”

“What?”

“I’m clumsy. I drop things all the time. The boss always assigns me to the important tables, so I must be doing something right. Maybe they don’t want to be there and I help them leave.”

“You’re always assigned to my table.”

“You must have a lot of money, then, sir.”

“I think you know something you’re not telling me.”

“What would I know that you wouldn’t, sir?”

That earned him a glare. “What do you mean by that?”

“Aren’t you the head of an intelligence agency? Director Nilzhan, right? My boss did say we were serving some rich spy higher-ups.”

“I’m going to be keeping an eye on you.”

“Of course, sir. Shall I escort you back to the dining hall?”

The knife lowered. “Sure.”

-

“Magic makes a man go mad, magic makes my mother sad. But I’m a warlock, I’m a witch- so mix a potion, ride a switch. All the demons dance to blues, dance around in worn suede shoes. And at the center of it all, I am there to take the fall. An exorcism won’t cure me, so on a count of one-two-three- The Devil’s dance with you and me. The Devil’s dance, it’s you, it’s me. The Devil’s dance, not you, it’s-”

“What song is that?”

Jeten dropped the plate he was washing in surprise, and it shattered on the floor. He stared down at it. “Ah…”

Nilzhan didn’t apologize when he looked over, slit eyes boring into him.

“Devil’s a Warlock. My brother and I wrote it. Well, he wrote it, and I sang it. I’m not one for writing lyrics.”

“And it’s about…?”

“I don’t know.” Meren had cried when he sang the whole song, telling him to never sing it again. By himself, he wondered if it meant that his brother thought of him as a demon. Mindless creatures typically were thought of as unholy. “Dancing monsters. We were kids, it doesn’t really have meaning.”

“Everything has a meaning.”

“Then it means he was upset with me because he made me sing about being the Devil and killing my dance partner.”

“And why was he upset with you?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure he had his reasons.” He hadn’t really been self-aware at the time, relapsing back into what he was like after his training with a doctor. “I was a distraction from his studies.”

“Reminds me of some people I know. Tell me, Jeten, why did you request to serve my table?”

There was no real reason. He never had a reason for anything, not when he made decisions blindly. But he could come up with one. Fall back on bad habits he’d long struggled to break. What would Meren say?

“I thought we could talk again. It was nice, even though you thought I was a hired killer.”

Nilzhan accepted his reasoning, and Jeten held out his hand to him, smiling. Cautiously, Nilzhan took it.

-

When Jeten was young, he gave up everything for his brother, who had telepathy. At the time, he’d had no idea that he and his brother were separate people, even though he couldn’t always hear what his brother was thinking. Why wouldn’t he want to help himself? Everyone was supposed to take good care of themselves, make themselves happy. It would make his brother happy, the doctor told him, and Jeten knew that if his brother was happy, it meant he would be happy.

And the doctor told him that Meren was very happy while he was in training, so Jeten was indeed happy. “Without your thoughts to distract him,” the man had told him, “he is excelling. He can attend school. He is getting good grades and making friends. Don’t you want him to continue doing well and being happy?”

“Yes,” he’d responded, without needing to think about it at all.

When Jeten was young, he purged his mind and feelings so that his brother, who missed him and wondered when his twin would be coming home so they could play games and make friends together like he’d been learning how to, would be happy. So that when his family came to pick him up from the remote cabin where he’d been training for a month, they could all be mentally separate and happy.

Meren had not been an individual, and Jeten had controlled him, the doctor had told him. “What an awful thing to do to your brother. If I were you, I would feel very guilty.”

“I made Meren sad?”

“Oh, no. And that’s the problem. Meren cannot feel sad by himself as long as he hears you. Isn’t that terrible?”

“Yes.”

“Exactly. I’ll teach you how to make your brother happy.”

He’d been nothing but a smiling shell when his parents and brother had come to pick him up. Meren had been ecstatic to see him, but the excitement wore off when his brother wouldn’t respond to him. “Jet? Jet, are you okay?” Jet?

He had no thoughts, no feelings. Meren became the stronger twin, with his own personality and capabilities. Jeten was a living doll so his brother could be the bright and happy individual.

Neither of them understood what had happened, but Jeten knew it was to help his brother, and there was nothing more important to him than Meren.

“Meren, are you sure you want to go to such a far away college? It’s in a whole ‘nother system, and there’s a nice music university just a few cities away…” Jeten kept himself empty as he listened in to his brother and parents’ conversation. Meren would be graduating high school in a few weeks, and he’d just been accepted to a university. Jeten wasn’t anywhere close to being ready to graduate, and he wasn’t too keen on the idea of his brother being far from him.

“It’s a great school, Mom! It’s got all the programs I’m interested in.”

“I know, but… Oh, you’ve never been away from home so long.”

“Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll come back and visit every holiday.”

“Is there a reason you only applied to schools outside the system?” their father asked.

“I need to get away from Jeten.”

He went back up to his room, not wanting to hear anymore, and hid underneath his blanket until his brother had left for school, three kilometers away. Then it was time for him to get ready to go to his private school. His mother came up to get him out of bed, but he refused to acknowledge her. “Jeten, dear, what’s wrong?”

“Does Meren hate me?” he asked, finally allowing himself to think. Tears welled up in his eyes. “Is that why he wants to get away from me?”

“You were listening, dear?”

“I came back here after he said that. Does he…?”

“No, sweetheart, of course not. Meren loves you. He just wants you to have a chance to work on developing your mind without having to worry about him. He doesn’t want you to spend your whole life trying not to bother him.”

“But I don’t mind, really.”

She brushed his hair back, giving him a sad smile. “You’ve never had a chance to explore what it’s like to have your own thoughts, whenever you want. I think it’ll be good for you. Besides, he promised he’ll come back to visit as often as he can.”

“Do I make him unhappy?”

“He doesn’t like to see you so empty, Jeten. It makes him feel guilty, even though he didn’t do anything wrong.”

Meren went off to college, and Jeten didn’t see him for over four years. He never came home, only calling him over video.

-

“What did you do to our son?”

“He’ll no longer bother Meren.”

Jet, wake up!

-

“You’re a nice person to be around,” Nilzhan told him. “Quiet, but not too quiet. And you never ask questions.”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“I appreciate a man who knows when to keep his mouth shut and his curiosity quelled.”

Nilzhan was handsome, Jeten let himself think. He was nice to be around. Intelligent, but not in a showy way. Mysterious, leaving Jeten to wonder, late at night in his apartment, if he would be able to piece together things about him Nilzhan would never tell anyone else.

The spymaster kissed him, and Jeten let him.

Why Nilzhan would risk entering a relationship with him, with anyone at all, Jeten would never understand. Though he had learned to experience simple feelings like happiness and sadness, ones that took development were still forbidden to him. He liked spending time with Nilzhan, liked the feeling of being kissed, but there was nothing stronger than that.

There couldn’t be. Not unless someone reversed what had been done to him.

-

Nilzhan pulled his hand onto his belly and Jeten could feel a new roundness to it that had not been there three months ago, the last time the two of them had been able to meet. “You’re-?” He didn’t dare say it out loud, just in case things weren’t entirely secure. When Nilzhan nodded, Jeten smiled wide. He pulled him into a hug. “I’m glad.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“It’ll be dangerous.”

“I know.”

This was one thing he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about. His old tutors and therapists would be proud that he found something he could think about without really having to force himself to. He was excited and wondered what the baby would be like, how them being a hybrid between three species would affect them, if they would have telepathy-

“What are we going to do, Jeten?”

“Our best. I know you’ll protect us, and I’ll take care of it when you’re busy with work.”

Maybe a baby would finally be what made his mind turn back on, having to think about how to take care of them, their needs, always worrying about their safety, whether or not Nilzhan’s enemies knew about their relationship or their child.