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tornadot — The Being: Chapter One
Published: 2005-06-27 20:54:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 122; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description The Tragic Frontier: The Being

Chapter 1

Jay stared out the burned out building that once housed the laboratories of Dr. Horowitz. The site of the building sent chills down his spine and he heard voices coming from the building. They called out to him, cursed him and warned him. He sucked in a breath of air and walked into the building. The floor of the building was covered in broken glass and he had to hop around to avoid stepping on the glass. The large tubes that once housed his various experiments were broken apart, the poor souls either dead or escaped. Jay encountered some stairs leading down to a lower floor. He slid down the rail and fell into a room with a thick smoke in the air. He coughed and put on a breather over his face. His senses began to clear and his vision cleared up. He could make out a large glass tube at the far back of the room.

As he walked through the room, the voices began to give out more warnings. He ignored them and kept moving. The smoke began to clear as he neared the tube and he removed his breather. The tube was frosted over and he frowned. He reached out to the glass and his head began to hurt. He could hear horrible screeching in the room even though there was nothing around. He pulled his hand back from the tube and pulled out a small hand thermal heater. He turned it on and pointed it at the glass. The ice began to melt and a single red eye peered at him, right through him to his very soul. He jumped back and dropped the heater. The eye vanished and Jay began to breathe again. He approached the glass again but the eye did not appear. He bent down and saw a nameplate on the bottom of the tune labeled, "Mother."

"Mother? What kind of name is that?" Jessica asked, sitting down in her chair to rest. Jay shrugged. He thought for such a mysterious creature, a simple name wouldn't do it justice.

"But that's what it's called. It didn't even look human. The face was human but the rest of the body was unlike any Terran I've seen," He said. He leaned back in his chair and toyed with his thumbs. The nameplate sat between them on a small table and she took it and looked at it again. Jay tapped his fingers on the table. "I want to find out more about it. Something about it makes me uneasy," He said, trying not to relive the memories in the lab, but he failed. He could still hear the cryptic voices and the horrible images that assualted his vision.

Jessica leaned forward and looked at him. "Jay? Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" She asked, reaching out to touch his hand. He pulled it back for a moment and sighed. She got up from her chair and walked around the table and knelt next to his chair. He closed his eyes. He still saw this creature attacking people dear to him, including her. He opened his eyes and met her eyes with his.

"Sorry but I am not having a good day. That thing freaks me out," He said, running his hand through his hair. She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled and gave her a hug. "Thanks. I needed that."

"So what are you going to do with it?" She asked as she returned to her seat. Jay tapped his chin and shrugged. She shook her head and smiled. "Well what do you want to do with it?"

"I want it gone. I don't like it. Something about it gives me a cryptic feeling. It has some power to it, a power that could be abused by the wrong people," He said. He could see his brother trying to use this thing to get back into power but he didn't want to think of his brother at the moment. He didn't want to even talk about this creature. He looked at Jessica for a while and she began to blush.

"Is there something wrong?" She asked, covering her mouth as she tried to stifle her laughter. He smirked and shook his head.

"No, but am I not allowed to just look at you?" He asked. He kicked the table to the side, walked over and sat in the chair with Jessica. "I'm just glad you are here," He said, holding her in a close embrace. She nodded and leaned over, lips about to meet his.

"Oh would you two stop acting like a bunch of teenagers?" A voice said. Jay looked at the door and his brother walked into the room. A.J stared at Jay and Jessica and shook his head.

"What's wrong? You can't stand a little bit of love? And what are you doing here?" Jay asked. He stood up and folded his arms. A.J laughed and rubbed his chin. Jay looked at Jessica and then back at A.J. "Spit it out Anthony James. What are you hiding?"

"First I find you two slobbering all over each other and now you are calling me by my full name? You aren't exactly doing me any favors here," A.J said, snickering to himself. He sat down in an empty chair and leaned back. "I think you know what I am here for. It involves that thing you just found in the lab."

"You want it? I'm not about to let you have it," Jay said, unfolding his arms, ready to fight.

A.J shrugged and looked at Jessica. "So you're willing to let those horrible visions come to pass?" He asked and Jay glared at him. A.J laughed and pulled out a flute and began to play it.

"What are you talking about A.J?" Jay asked. He wanted to snap the flute in half and get A.J to pay attention to him but he knew it wouldn't do him any good. A.J ignored him and kept playing his flute. After a while, he set it down and smiled at Jay.

"You are really naive Jay. I didn't even know you had any visions but you just gave yourself away," He said and he looked at Jessica before grabbing his flute again. Jay wanted to rip the flute out of his brother's hands but he restrained himself.

"Okay so what do you really want? We aren't letting you near that creature."

"Really? I'm shocked," A.J said. He got up from his chair and began to walk toward the door. He stopped and turned to look at them, a smile spreading across his face. "You just gave away much more than you imagined. If I were you, I'd be real choosy about how you spend your time with your girlfriend. She could be gone before you know it," He said. He left and Jay ran to the door but couldn't see A.J anywhere.

"He's gone," Jay said, muttering something under his breath in frustration. He turned around and saw Jessica sat on a chair. She stared at the ground and didn't speak. "Everything okay Jessie?" He asked. He walked over to her and touched her shoulder. She recoiled back and he jumped. He bent down and tried to look into her face but she only turned away. "If you don't want to talk, that's okay but you're freaking me out," He said.

Jay rode his hoverbike into the wide streets of Keno and sped through the wide streets. The streets were devoid of much activity and he frowned. He looked around as he rode around and much of the town was abandoned. His heart began to beat a little faster and his forehead became moist. He rode up to the castle and found a whole troop of guards in front of the doors. Jay frowned and got off his bike. "Is something wrong? Why is the town empty?" He asked.

One of the soldiers pointed to the sky behind Jay and he turned around. There in the sky, sat a huge swirling sphere of fire. The flames were as dark as coal but the intense heat could be felt in the city. Jay paled and looked back at the soldiers, waiting for more explaination. "That fireball appeared not too long ago. Keno suggested it has to do with the discovery of that strange creature you found," He said. Jay shrugged.

"Let me through. I have to speak with Keno about this. Jessica has been acting real weird. She keeps obsessing over that creature and it's freaking me out," He said. One of the soldiers shook his head and Jay glared at him. "What is it?"

"It seems a lot of women have been acting like this but only non Terrans. The fairies, Mysterions and Floras all have been acting strangely since that thing was found," The soldier said. Jay frowned and scratched his head. He nodded and they allowed him through. He found Keno pacing in the main hall and Keno smiled when Jay walked in.

"I'm glad to see you Jay. This fireball and the appearance of Mother has been causing me and Ryan no end of grief," He said. Jay opened his mouth to ask but Keno continued. "A lot of women have left Keno, non Terran women but it isn't just a women problem. The few non Terran males still around have also left the city and began to travel to the fireball. I want to go out there and see what it is about," He said.

Jay folded his arms and laughed. "You're the king. You can't leave your kingdom to investigate this, no matter how important it is," He said. Keno sighed and Jay shook his head. "You have a kingdom to worry about. You can't leave it to go on adventures like you did in the past. I have questions myself and I'd love to go check it out," He said, frowning a bit. He didn't believe his last comment. The thought of confronting anything that had to do with the creature made his stomach turn. Keno folded his arms.

"I know what you mean Jay but there may not be a kingdom to rule if this thing gets it's way," He said with a sigh. Jay waved him off.

"We don't even know it's agenda! We still have to figure out what in the world it is!" Jay yelled, glaring at Keno. He thought it strange that Keno would be acting so impulsively but it worried him. He heard footsteps and turned to see a soldier run up to them. He bent over, gasping for air.

"Sir Jay! We have word that the creature is reacting violently back in Trent! It's getting out of control!" He said. Jay's left hand curled into a fist and he ran past the solider and through the large troop of soldiers. He jumped on his bike and just as he turned it on, Keno rode out of the castle on a hoverbike of his own.

"Keno! Why aren't you staying here?" Jay asked.

"I'm rounding up any stragglers around town. I want them all in the shelter of the castle, just in case something funny happens," Keno said with a laugh. Jay shrugged and sped off.

Jay turned on his bright lights to illuminate his path as he rode up to the lab where the creature sat. He stopped short when he found the front windows broken and the door torn off its hinges. He got off his bike and pulled out a flashlight as the lights on his hoverbike turned off. He examined the whole building and pulled out his sword. He made it to the entrance before stopping. He looked to the side and saw it.

The single red eye that had haunted him ever since he first saw it, stared at him through a broken window. Jay gripped the sword in both hands, dropping the flashlight. He pressed a button on the hilt of his sword and a bright blue laser field surrounded the blade. He still couldn't see the rest of its body but he didn't care. "So are you the creature they call Mother? I don't know what you are up to but you better surrender now," He said in rapid succesion. His forehead dripped with sweat and he wiped it clean.

"Foolish Terran, you are all so naive," It said in a loud and cryptic voice. Jay laughed and beckoned it with his hand. "You have always been the same, since the beginning of time," It said, louder than before. Jay shrugged and swung the sword in front of him.

"Whatever. Come on, we'll see how tough you are," He said. The creature held out a limb and dark purple flames erupted from her hand and leapt towards him. Jay flicked his sword around to block every flame that came in his direction and shrugged.

"Jay, it's useless to fight against her. We are overmatched," Jessica said. Jay turned and saw Jessica walk up next to him. She had bags under her eyes and several bruises. Jay shrugged and returned his glare at Mother.

"Well it's up to something and I have to know what," He said. The creature laughed, a horrible laugh that shook his core and sapped him of any confidence he had left.

"You are a fool. You would be wise to bow to me before it is too late," She said. She waved her limb and vanished.

Jay sat in the balcony of a room in the Keno castle and stared at the rising sun, as it peered over the vast waters of the East Ocean. He heard footsteps and turned to see Keno walk onto the balcony. Jay looked back at the sunrise and let out a sigh. "So how is she?" He asked, looking at Keno.

Keno looked down at the ground. "She'll be fine but she isn't awake if that's what you were wondering. She's been in a deep sleep for a while and nothing we do will awake her. I guess she'll wake up when she's ready," He said. He folded his arms. "There may be more but Ryan isn't being real liberal with details. I guess a lot of it's private," He said before shrugging. Jay hit the balcony railing with his fist and sat on it, dangling his legs over the side. He looked down at the gardens below and shook his head. "I wish I could help Jay but that's all we know. We'll have to wait. You're lucky to escape alive."

"That thing, it must have hurt her," Jay said, turning to face Keno. Keno nodded and folded his arms.

"That seems to be the case. We don't know how yet but it's obvious she got roughed up for one. The rest may be mental pain or something else," He said. Keno unfolded his arms. "We do know that Mother is a dying creature. I was able to run a diagnostic on some DNA from a piece of her hair and she doesn't have much long to live. So she may be trying to find a way to stay alive," He said.

"If only we had a weapon that could take away life, we'd be done away with her much faster," Jay said and then he looked at Keno. They both had the same idea but he said it first, "A.J. He would know about something like that. I bet he even has a weapon for that purpose," Jay said, smiling to himself. A soldier ran up to them.

"Lady Jessica has awoken from her sleep but she keeps muttering the name of Mother," He said. Jay looked at the soldier then at Keno before running past the soldier.

Jay ran up to the doors of the room where Jessica lay and found the doors wide open. Keno ran up behind him and hunched over, gasping for air. "Slow down Jay! We don't need to worry her too much since she just woke up!" He said. Jay shrugged and walked into the room. He found Jessica leaned up against the wall. Her eyes rolled around and he jumped back.

"Mother," She said, in the same tone as Mother. Jay pulled out his sword and growled.

"Jessie? Is that thing trying to control you?" He asked. He walked toward her and felt an sinister presence in her. He grasped the sword in both hands. "Jessie, answer me!"

Jessica looked up at him and one of her eyes was red. He paled and then pointed the sword at her. "If you don't release Jessica, I'll kill you."

"Kill me and you kill her. We are one. She is me and I am her," Jessica said in a cryptic voice again. Jay shook his head and looked at Keno. Keno shrugged and stepped back. Jay looked at her and reached out toward her with his hand. She grabbed his hand and began to crush his hand. Jay dropped the sword and fought back. He could feel power surging through her body, unknown power but he didn't care. He stared straight into Jessica's eyes and he glared at Mother.

"Release her," He said. He felt himself losing control. Mother was pumping Jessica with an unknown power and he was failing to resist it. He looked at Keno and shook his head. He returned his glare to Jessica and gritted his teeth. "I'm not letting go. One of us will win and I will win, now let her go!" He said. Jessica's eyes turned a bright green and Jay felt his fingers loosening. He kept pushing and then Jessica let out a scream, the loudest, most soul shattering scream he had ever heard. He let go of her hand and jumped back. Jessica's eyes returned to normal and she let out a groan before slumping over. Jay caught her before she hit the ground. She looked up at him for a moment.

"Jay," She said before her head dropped on his shoulder and she fainted.
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Comments: 4

BlackSandPiper [2005-07-07 18:18:03 +0000 UTC]

Well, let's just say this was a LOT easier to read than your other one, seriously. It started off a lot better and got to some plot, a lot easier. Well, the problem that I had with a few parts is your lack of pronouns, they are your friends. =3 Sometimes it disrupts the flow and it makes the reader want to just STOP reading. Like at times where it goes for example something like "AJ ignored and just kept on playing his flute" or something like that, just "AJ ignored and kept playing" and sometimes there are sentences you could easily string together to make the flow easier. Itsl ike, everytime there is a period, your reader catches a breath, if they take TOO many breaths, they get slightly overwhelmed by the stops. You know? Also, when Jay jumps from the lab to his home, or whatever, you should add another space so that it doesn't look like it is all connected, because that is what it seems like. And well, suddenly Jay jumps on a hovercar, something that isn't in our time today -- care to elaborate on it before he starts speeding off towards the empty city? Also, well, while the relationship between Jay and Jessica is evident, does it have to be THAT evident... its just like.... "ugh" to me, its possible, just not favorable, at least to myself. One main disruption I found in the flow is the dialogue, after the dialogue you put something like "he said" with a period afterwards, that you can string together easily with the next action like "he said, running after AJ as he walked out the door." Something simple like that, just tringing things together, you can mess with it several times, and usually that is what it takes before one can find just the perfect way to string it together.

And uh... how does everyone suddenly know that Jay found a creature? WEll, possibly he did tell everyone -- nevermind I'll just keep reading. And well... Jay says Jessica was obsessing, I didn't really see her obsessing, just asking. AH! Well, yeah... >.> lack of pronouns makes it just... I dunno. Also in some places, lack of commas -- pauses that are needed, well mostly in dialogue, just read ito ut to yourself and try to find out, say it outloud, where would you naturally pause, how do you want it to sound? I know you don't want me to focus on that mostly, so well, yeah I"ll leave it alone for now; its mostly commas after conjunctions. Also, another thing... unnecessary gestures, sometimes Jay shrugs and I wonder... "why" is it natural in that kind of situation? Like, Mother insults him or something and he shrugs, I thought he was afraid of that thing... I wouldn't expect him to shrug, merely, I would expect like a glare or something. A shrug is just like... I dunno. Also, you use cryptic to describe Mother and/or the lab every single time you talk about it. Well, the plot was better at least, in this one I have to tell you. Just, all the disruptions from lack of flow and all this things. Another thing, just a question, why is Jay using a sword in a futuristic setting? There could be several reasons, but yeah. Hm... especially the paragraph with Jessica being controlled by Mother and Jay wanting her to let go irked me as well, too many "Jessica" and "Jay" instead of "he" and "she" you have to find a balance, find out where it sounds natural. Wait a night, two if you need and read it again. It seriously, seriously helps.

Keep up the good work, hope this helped.

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tornadot In reply to BlackSandPiper [2005-07-08 06:39:10 +0000 UTC]

Hmm...let's just say I'm taking this all in and will withold comment for now...my sanity demands it, especially at 1 AM in the morning but thanks for reading my story...

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

BlackSandPiper In reply to tornadot [2005-07-08 15:29:21 +0000 UTC]

hehehe, thanks =3 + welcome

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BlackSandPiper In reply to tornadot [2005-07-08 15:29:16 +0000 UTC]

hehehe, thanks =3

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