BlackSandPiper [2005-07-07 18:18:03 +0000 UTC]
Well, let's just say this was a LOT easier to read than your other one, seriously. It started off a lot better and got to some plot, a lot easier. Well, the problem that I had with a few parts is your lack of pronouns, they are your friends. =3 Sometimes it disrupts the flow and it makes the reader want to just STOP reading. Like at times where it goes for example something like "AJ ignored and just kept on playing his flute" or something like that, just "AJ ignored and kept playing" and sometimes there are sentences you could easily string together to make the flow easier. Itsl ike, everytime there is a period, your reader catches a breath, if they take TOO many breaths, they get slightly overwhelmed by the stops. You know? Also, when Jay jumps from the lab to his home, or whatever, you should add another space so that it doesn't look like it is all connected, because that is what it seems like. And well, suddenly Jay jumps on a hovercar, something that isn't in our time today -- care to elaborate on it before he starts speeding off towards the empty city? Also, well, while the relationship between Jay and Jessica is evident, does it have to be THAT evident... its just like.... "ugh" to me, its possible, just not favorable, at least to myself. One main disruption I found in the flow is the dialogue, after the dialogue you put something like "he said" with a period afterwards, that you can string together easily with the next action like "he said, running after AJ as he walked out the door." Something simple like that, just tringing things together, you can mess with it several times, and usually that is what it takes before one can find just the perfect way to string it together.
And uh... how does everyone suddenly know that Jay found a creature? WEll, possibly he did tell everyone -- nevermind I'll just keep reading. And well... Jay says Jessica was obsessing, I didn't really see her obsessing, just asking. AH! Well, yeah... >.> lack of pronouns makes it just... I dunno. Also in some places, lack of commas -- pauses that are needed, well mostly in dialogue, just read ito ut to yourself and try to find out, say it outloud, where would you naturally pause, how do you want it to sound? I know you don't want me to focus on that mostly, so well, yeah I"ll leave it alone for now; its mostly commas after conjunctions. Also, another thing... unnecessary gestures, sometimes Jay shrugs and I wonder... "why" is it natural in that kind of situation? Like, Mother insults him or something and he shrugs, I thought he was afraid of that thing... I wouldn't expect him to shrug, merely, I would expect like a glare or something. A shrug is just like... I dunno. Also, you use cryptic to describe Mother and/or the lab every single time you talk about it. Well, the plot was better at least, in this one I have to tell you. Just, all the disruptions from lack of flow and all this things. Another thing, just a question, why is Jay using a sword in a futuristic setting? There could be several reasons, but yeah. Hm... especially the paragraph with Jessica being controlled by Mother and Jay wanting her to let go irked me as well, too many "Jessica" and "Jay" instead of "he" and "she" you have to find a balance, find out where it sounds natural. Wait a night, two if you need and read it again. It seriously, seriously helps.
Keep up the good work, hope this helped.
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