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I think it's high time that I talked about it. Or at least... ramble about it and try to get it off my chest as best I can. But first thing I'm going to say is that I'm not going to name names... I'm not going to point fingers and push people to get mad at one another. This was in the past, and it should really stay that way. People make mistakes, people do stupid things, and yes it hurts and effects us. But no one deserves hate or anger. Or at least, that's what I believe.

So, I guess I should get this started. A couple of years back I was given an opportunity to finally leave home. My grandmother had hurt herself and my grandfather had ended up in the hospital. I adored my grandma and even though me and my grandfather have had rough patches, I loved him dearly to. And I wanted to help. I'd do anything for them. So while my Grandfather was in the hospital, I stayed in my Grandma's Condo with just an air matress to sleep on and attended college that was close by. It was good for the first little while.

It wasn't until my Grandfather moved back in from being in a Nursing Home for a good while after he got out of the hospital when things started to slowly go down hill. I felt like I was a burden, but I also felt drained... emotionally and physically. So I did what every 23 year old girl would do... I reached out to the internet and indulged in one fandom I loved. Undertale.

I wrote stories, I submerged myself in a fantasy world and made the real world completely obsolete. And when I came across a certain comic about Undertale, I was completely hooked to this fantasy world. I made it my reality. Which... I really don't recommend you do. It's great to fantasize but it's important to remember who you are. Sad thing is... I forgot who I was.

After a while I got into a group. Again, I'm not going to name names because that's not the important part. But they made me feel like I belonged somewhere and the fantasy world got more and more bigger. I didn't talk to my family all that much, and I convinced myself that this fantasy world I had created was real. I the fantasy world I had a boyfriend, I got to do what I loved 'roleplaying' and I finally felt like I belonged.

It wasn't until the summer of 2015 did I realize that fantasy worlds shouldn't make up your reality. When the group that I had felt like I belonged in finally started to crash down around me. And I finally realized how abusive they could be. Manipulative and Psychologically damaging. And always gas lighting people into believing they were something they were not.

Our leader had managed to convince me that I was a manipulative monster and that I needed to change my ways, that I needed to get over my anxiety, which by the way... had only managed to make it worse. They had managed to make me think that I needed this family in order to survive. And I believed all of it. They rewarded people who agreed only with them, and punishing those who dared to think differently.

I stayed with that group for another year, but slowly started to see how damaging it was. It was slowly tearing away at my sanity. And now that I look back now, the reason I failed all my classes one semester of college was because of this group, not because of the situation I was in with my grandparents. As I had previously thought.

I finally broke off with this group. After an incident had happened when I finally realized how abusive they could be and how damaging they were to my sanity. Only holding onto a few friends who had also dealt with a great deal of abusive from this group. I can assure you... I was not the only one who dealt with this.

But the damage that was done with that group has stuck with me. And for the longest time I still feel like that monster that they had managed to convince me that I was. I felt anxious and even to my friends I felt like I was a constant burden. I couldn't even tell them if something was wrong. Because I felt like I would just bother them with my troubles. And just like when I was a kid that they would eventually leave me because it was too much. You can convince yourself it's alright when you've worn a mask for so long. And I had put back up my walls. Not submerging myself in fantasy anymore (though I did try) and not wanting to face reality because I was so broken and damaged.

I felt sorry for myself... but I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me so I put on this facade that everything was alright. I told people that I was fine when... really I wasn't. And I receded back into my shell. I wanted to stay there until I eventually faded away and died.

It was only until of December of last year did I finally decide to get better and start to slowly come back out of my shell. When one of my favourite youtubers (and current boyfriend) finally decided to conquer something he's going through and set up a Patreon. It finally gave me the courage to look at myself and want to face my own demons.

And joining the discord and meeting all the different types of people until the past groups that I've been I actually felt happy. It took me a while, but I finally stepped out and started... moving again. I started to feel like I belonged and it was scary because I remembered what happened the last time I felt like I belonged. But instead of putting me down for those fears, or coddling me for it, I was... just met with so much love and encouragement. It made me to want to keep moving.

And it was only after I finally turned 25 and confessed to my boyfriend that I actually felt for the first time in my life that I was loved for who I was, not for who I was gunna become or try to become. I was loved... flaws and all, anxiety and all. I wasn't asked to be any different because I was loved for who I was. And though sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. That I don't deserve the love that I get, I will continue to strive to be... me.

My quirky awkward weird passionate self. I don't wanna be any different. And if that means that I have to accept that I get angry, that I get upset, that I get overly anxious... then I accept it.

Description

I think it's high time that I talked about it. Or at least... ramble about it and try to get it off my chest as best I can. But first thing I'm going to say is that I'm not going to name names... I'm not going to point fingers and push people to get mad at one another. This was in the past, and it should really stay that way. People make mistakes, people do stupid things, and yes it hurts and effects us. But no one deserves hate or anger. Or at least, that's what I believe.

So, I guess I should get this started. A couple of years back I was given an opportunity to finally leave home. My grandmother had hurt herself and my grandfather had ended up in the hospital. I adored my grandma and even though me and my grandfather have had rough patches, I loved him dearly to. And I wanted to help. I'd do anything for them. So while my Grandfather was in the hospital, I stayed in my Grandma's Condo with just an air matress to sleep on and attended college that was close by. It was good for the first little while.

It wasn't until my Grandfather moved back in from being in a Nursing Home for a good while after he got out of the hospital when things started to slowly go down hill. I felt like I was a burden, but I also felt drained... emotionally and physically. So I did what every 23 year old girl would do... I reached out to the internet and indulged in one fandom I loved. Undertale.

I wrote stories, I submerged myself in a fantasy world and made the real world completely obsolete. And when I came across a certain comic about Undertale, I was completely hooked to this fantasy world. I made it my reality. Which... I really don't recommend you do. It's great to fantasize but it's important to remember who you are. Sad thing is... I forgot who I was.

After a while I got into a group. Again, I'm not going to name names because that's not the important part. But they made me feel like I belonged somewhere and the fantasy world got more and more bigger. I didn't talk to my family all that much, and I convinced myself that this fantasy world I had created was real. I the fantasy world I had a boyfriend, I got to do what I loved 'roleplaying' and I finally felt like I belonged.

It wasn't until the summer of 2015 did I realize that fantasy worlds shouldn't make up your reality. When the group that I had felt like I belonged in finally started to crash down around me. And I finally realized how abusive they could be. Manipulative and Psychologically damaging. And always gas lighting people into believing they were something they were not.

Our leader had managed to convince me that I was a manipulative monster and that I needed to change my ways, that I needed to get over my anxiety, which by the way... had only managed to make it worse. They had managed to make me think that I needed this family in order to survive. And I believed all of it. They rewarded people who agreed only with them, and punishing those who dared to think differently.

I stayed with that group for another year, but slowly started to see how damaging it was. It was slowly tearing away at my sanity. And now that I look back now, the reason I failed all my classes one semester of college was because of this group, not because of the situation I was in with my grandparents. As I had previously thought.

I finally broke off with this group. After an incident had happened when I finally realized how abusive they could be and how damaging they were to my sanity. Only holding onto a few friends who had also dealt with a great deal of abusive from this group. I can assure you... I was not the only one who dealt with this.

But the damage that was done with that group has stuck with me. And for the longest time I still feel like that monster that they had managed to convince me that I was. I felt anxious and even to my friends I felt like I was a constant burden. I couldn't even tell them if something was wrong. Because I felt like I would just bother them with my troubles. And just like when I was a kid that they would eventually leave me because it was too much. You can convince yourself it's alright when you've worn a mask for so long. And I had put back up my walls. Not submerging myself in fantasy anymore (though I did try) and not wanting to face reality because I was so broken and damaged.

I felt sorry for myself... but I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me so I put on this facade that everything was alright. I told people that I was fine when... really I wasn't. And I receded back into my shell. I wanted to stay there until I eventually faded away and died.

It was only until of December of last year did I finally decide to get better and start to slowly come back out of my shell. When one of my favourite youtubers (and current boyfriend) finally decided to conquer something he's going through and set up a Patreon. It finally gave me the courage to look at myself and want to face my own demons.

And joining the discord and meeting all the different types of people until the past groups that I've been I actually felt happy. It took me a while, but I finally stepped out and started... moving again. I started to feel like I belonged and it was scary because I remembered what happened the last time I felt like I belonged. But instead of putting me down for those fears, or coddling me for it, I was... just met with so much love and encouragement. It made me to want to keep moving.

And it was only after I finally turned 25 and confessed to my boyfriend that I actually felt for the first time in my life that I was loved for who I was, not for who I was gunna become or try to become. I was loved... flaws and all, anxiety and all. I wasn't asked to be any different because I was loved for who I was. And though sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. That I don't deserve the love that I get, I will continue to strive to be... me.

My quirky awkward weird passionate self. I don't wanna be any different. And if that means that I have to accept that I get angry, that I get upset, that I get overly anxious... then I accept it.