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Unaccompanied-me — Vanishing Point
Published: 2008-07-15 18:53:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 433; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 2
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Description
The chairs and tablesb e n d,
in slight steepening moment.
Unfettered by concepts of
hereing and thereing,
staying and stopping,
they juxtapose
being and being alive.
I bend with them
and stretch with them
in hyperbolics, evanesce
where sheandi, iandshe
are closer than touching.
I trace the Milky Way
on winglike scapulae:
stippling out Andromeda,
Fingerprinting nebulae
as constellations rotate
in her lovely canvas eyes.
The center of a universe
is threaded in between
our beating hearts.
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Comments: 26
This is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I've read on here yet.
Just getting into the writing side of deviant art and I'm loving it so far.
Come back and leave me words sometime.
Bang bang
Astral love. x
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Yes yes definitely! And thank you kindly for comments. and astral love!
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Your words are beautiful, they flop around in my mind and beg to be read again. You have such a lovely way with words.
Now since you pushed the advanced critique button I want to point out that though the last stanza is nice, it's dry compared to your other three. It left me scratching my head at the simplicity and only vaguely liking the contrast. I think it's lacking something, but I'm no expert at poetry dear. So I can only offer my opinion as a reader.
Great job though, I really do love it.
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Thank you very kindly! I really really appreciate the criticism! I'll take note of it and look at that, because though I do agree now that you mention it, it didn't occur to me at all. I'll see what I can do!
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You're quite welcome dear! ^____^ 
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see what you think of that... I wanted to keep the simplicity of the phrasing but complicate the image just subtly more...
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Much better, and if flows so much nicer now too. Great job dear!
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Unique! It's not easy to find a good expression of love and intimacy, because it's a very... "over-used" topic. But this passed the test!
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Agreed, which is why I try to be careful when I deal with the topic... I'm glad you think I succeeded!
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Why do you feel stupid?
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Because it's so good. D:
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Oh hush... not even. Thank you though.
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I love it.
You asked for in depth, so here goes.
First off, I just love the way you wrote it. From "b e n d" to "sheandi, iandshe".... those things stand out. Great idea.
Your vocabulary is also amazing.
The mention of the constellations and what not gives a stunning image.
But my favorite is definitely the last stanza. It's breathtaking. Excellent job. I'm jealous.
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Yeah, I wanted to give it a very cosmic, kind of scientific feel almost while talking about a very intimate thing... I'm glad you thought those images worked!
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Oh, this is pretty.
The center of a universe
is somewhere in between
our beating hearts.
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