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unattached — forget all this

Published: 2003-11-23 23:56:07 +0000 UTC; Views: 742; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 133
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Description candy sweetly making love
to every inch of my fleshy tongue
cuts the bitterness of these tears that run
down my cheeks and fill my mouth
but they taste so good i can't spit them out.

slowly i fall to the ground
gently swallowing my pride down
chased with anger. i start to drown -
in my rush i forget to breathe,
forget to think, forget to be.

so the sun forgets to rise
the moon forgets to change the tides
and as the world slowly dies
i forget to care, forget to mind.

the candy playing behind my lips
draws my mind from all of this.
and as the reaper slits my wrists
all i can do is smile.
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Comments: 40

lickmebeautiful [2004-03-12 04:16:10 +0000 UTC]

this is really beautiful.. great emotion

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prettyinpiink [2003-12-28 00:05:51 +0000 UTC]

DAMN... that's all i have to say...

oh, and


-sara

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thouartwithin [2003-12-25 04:23:18 +0000 UTC]

....ahhhh.

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barns [2003-12-10 07:35:06 +0000 UTC]

beautiful poem!!! I love the end!

wonderful to read, great rhyme!!!

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unattached In reply to barns [2003-12-10 16:00:23 +0000 UTC]

thank you very much !

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savage-radish [2003-11-30 05:56:01 +0000 UTC]

wow......that was very powerful. I love how you used the comparison of candy slicing your tongue to your emotional state. It was a very vivid image. Although, i think the rhyme scheme is a little off, the rhyming was amusing and made everything click together well. The last two stanzas are amazing....i love the ending line:

"All i can do is smile"

great job!

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EnigmaticReceptacle [2003-11-28 21:17:00 +0000 UTC]

"so the sun forgets to rise
the moon forgets to change the tides
and as the world slowly dies
i forget to care, forget to mind."

That's your gem. Work with it and develop the style which incites it.

You did a great job of of using fairly generic phrases in an elegant way. Beautiful flow. Thumbs up indeed.

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unattached In reply to EnigmaticReceptacle [2003-11-28 22:24:24 +0000 UTC]

thanks

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nihilistictendencies [2003-11-28 06:05:54 +0000 UTC]

this made me smile. not kidding; it was so hard my lip cracked; I bled, it was beautiful. your third stanza is great.

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unattached In reply to nihilistictendencies [2003-11-28 17:41:03 +0000 UTC]

oooh.. never thought my poetry would make somebody bleed. interesting to know haha. thanks

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nihilistictendencies In reply to unattached [2003-11-29 03:48:24 +0000 UTC]

your poetry could do many things to people . you're more than welcome.

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unattached In reply to nihilistictendencies [2003-11-29 07:32:00 +0000 UTC]

what i really want is that one poem that will make somebody cry. not cry because the poem is sad, or happy, or because it evokes an emotion. i want a poem that you can actually feel in your heart. there are songs i have heard, scenes in movies, and poems i have read that make my heart sad, happy, mad, EVERYTHING. i dont want to evoke an emotion, i want to evoke EVERY emotion. once i do that, i think i will move on to another form of art

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purpleblobofgoo [2003-11-26 01:22:36 +0000 UTC]

Wooah. That's great. This flows really well. I love the first and last stanzas the most. Yummy.

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d33pimpact [2003-11-25 20:08:20 +0000 UTC]

Wow....what I really enjoy about this poem is it's emotions. My favorite stanzas were the 2nd and 3rd ones
"slowly i fall to the ground
gently swallowing my pride down
chased with anger. i start to drown -
in my rush i forget to breathe,
forget to think, forget to be.

so the sun forgets to rise
the moon forgets to change the tides
and as the world slowly dies
i forget to care, forget to mind."

Those were very well written and reminded me a lot of my life right now.

I think you did a very good job into writing and rhyming this poem. I don't really know what more to say about it other than it was very well written and it relates to my life completly at this time. Bravo to you and a

- Deep Impact

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unattached In reply to d33pimpact [2003-11-25 20:59:48 +0000 UTC]

ah thank you so much! you are awesome!

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Onic [2003-11-25 04:27:36 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad you're back. Give us more. You a sexy bitch, but not in a gay way... necessarily.

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unattached In reply to Onic [2003-11-25 06:10:07 +0000 UTC]

hahahaha

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black-requiem [2003-11-25 04:08:54 +0000 UTC]

thanks for making me realize how much i missed the world of poetry.

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unattached In reply to black-requiem [2003-11-25 06:09:46 +0000 UTC]

oh gee! haha that is so nice! thank you very much it is my pleasure!

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crishex01 [2003-11-25 00:03:25 +0000 UTC]

very nice could definitely imagine the images...would love to see it performed on stage to really get the full emotion...good work

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unattached In reply to crishex01 [2003-11-25 00:34:02 +0000 UTC]

thank you very much! haha that would kick ass.. haha hell if you wann figure out how to perform this on a stage im def down with that

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crishex01 In reply to unattached [2003-11-25 01:16:22 +0000 UTC]

haha that would rock! i can see it now...

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shennille [2003-11-24 22:19:42 +0000 UTC]

Wow....first off, I really like the picture you used for the poem...The title is awesome...And the whole poem seems to have such a deep meaning...something about it really gets me...but I'm not sure what.....This is a really great poem....

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unattached In reply to shennille [2003-11-24 23:13:16 +0000 UTC]

thank you very much. im so glad you like it!

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shennille In reply to unattached [2003-11-24 23:37:21 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome! could you check out a pice of my work for me? It would really mean a lot....

[link]

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devin [2003-11-24 19:01:28 +0000 UTC]

Very interesting.

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Merkier [2003-11-24 15:28:30 +0000 UTC]

I just love this one +fav
Nice pic from the lovley divestock too!

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unattached In reply to Merkier [2003-11-24 15:45:04 +0000 UTC]

ah yay thank!
hell yeah shes got the best stock... beautiful girl

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Evil-Halfwit [2003-11-24 10:50:24 +0000 UTC]

and as the reaper slits my wrists
all I can do is smile.

fucking awesome. wow. +fav

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unattached In reply to Evil-Halfwit [2003-11-24 13:17:28 +0000 UTC]

haha thanks !!!

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vespera [2003-11-24 05:34:25 +0000 UTC]

I really like the third stanza. The concept is neat

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unattached In reply to vespera [2003-11-24 08:06:46 +0000 UTC]

thanks rachey!

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vespera In reply to unattached [2003-11-24 14:39:22 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome

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dylanthedestroyer [2003-11-24 01:30:51 +0000 UTC]

very powerfull, you have a knack for flowing rhyme it is not at all forceed, I especially like the 2nd to last stanza.

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unattached In reply to dylanthedestroyer [2003-11-24 02:55:02 +0000 UTC]

thank you! haha its a result of my first dozen or so poems sounding totally forced and a few poets on DA helping me to fix that

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dylanthedestroyer In reply to unattached [2003-11-25 21:39:00 +0000 UTC]

well it worked!

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Dery-Queen [2003-11-24 01:29:23 +0000 UTC]

Thats a nice poem.

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unattached In reply to Dery-Queen [2003-11-24 02:54:20 +0000 UTC]

thanks

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Lovable-Nerd [2003-11-24 00:34:40 +0000 UTC]

* I watched you stutter and let your mouth hang open

I watched you fall on the floor and strangle yourself
I watched the tears from your eyes
slowly fall perfectly to the sides of your lips
into your mouth

I imagined every piece of this work,
Mentally

I loved it!

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unattached In reply to Lovable-Nerd [2003-11-24 03:12:46 +0000 UTC]

haha ok anna remmber how i always said WRITE POETRY I LOVE YOUR POETRY! ?
even your comment was a poem! ack write a damn poem and submit it! please i beg you

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