TheMaidenInBlack [2010-03-05 01:04:59 +0000 UTC]

The last stanza made me powerfully relate to suicide, yes. The rest is more vague, but once seen in that perspective, seems to make more sense.

I like the repetition of the stanza throughout it all, and the single word to end each stanza. Very effective.
Only thing I can point out, in the last stanza, is the repetition of the word "white", was it intentional?

Either way, I really enjoyed your imagery. Very personal and interesting.

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Aro-chan [2010-03-04 14:29:53 +0000 UTC]

Well it didn't make me think of suicide, rather of feelings of vagueness, uselessness and restlessness. The poem is perhaps too vague. I couldn't quite relate to the emotion of the poem or quite feel its rythm, but I thought the general writing style neat and elegant.

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Black-Rose-In-Bloom [2010-03-04 13:11:22 +0000 UTC]

I do like what you're saying with the first verse. Music absolutely does come from the soul itself--bleeds right out of our very spirit, i love that image that you created with that opening.

Now for the critique:

As for the structure, I've noticed that you've added commas to emphasize the pauses between lines. punctuation is definitely an issue here. waaaaaaaaaaay too many commas, so much so that it's very interruptive to the flow of this piece. So i'd have to say your structure hinders the poem itself. it's too broken up. open the structure a little bit and it will flow much nicer.

As for the diction: i can't really help much with this, but the whole "wading fading floating away" conveys the image you want but the words don't seem to sound that stellar together. like it seems as though you just threw them together because they rhymed. i don't know. i mulled over it and i just couldn't figure out exactly what it was that threw it off like that. Also, the very last lines of your poem, referring to a waiting line (or rather the lack thereof), it's certainly worded strange. I mean, it gets your point across, but it seems unnecessary to draw it out and complicate a simple concept; the sentence is too wordy. It is necessary right now if you plan to keep this structure, (bringing us right back to the first point you asked about) but if you open it up a little do reword that last sentence.

And, final point on your diction, the verse beginning with "solid ground altered": the last three lines don't make much sense to me. You may want to rethink that section of the poem and word it differently so that it makes more sense.

It didn't really make me think of suicide, per se: more so just a sense of losing control. It does for the most part convey a general sense of distress/sadness, but not so much the suicide. That's a good thing though, it leaves it up to the reader to interpret, so a broader range of people will identify with it.

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Jysella [2010-03-04 13:10:12 +0000 UTC]

I liked the structure – personally, I think it would be enhanced if you made the lines of the longer verses standard in the number of syllables, but that's a personal preference and you can disregard it as you wish. :]

I liked your diction, and the way you paced the imagery.

Finally, honestly, it doesn't make me think of suicide. It makes me think of dissociation and alienation – but that said, I enjoy it for that.

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TheShoeMonster [2010-03-04 12:17:39 +0000 UTC]

I like this (= The imagery you use is really effective in putting across your point, with the right level of subtlety and emotion.
I especially liked;
"Solid ground altered,
Into a weak glass,
Falling forward."
It's just such an expressive sentence and so weirdly beautiful.
The only thing that took away from it a bit was that you punctuated the end of each line - you don't need to! Enjambment (the breaking up of a sentence with the end of a line) can be a really effective technique but only if you don't stop it from making grammatical sense by putting commas where they aren't needed.

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SnappingSausage [2009-10-17 20:03:14 +0000 UTC]

You write a lot (:
Too bad I'm not that good at English yet too understand this well >.<
After a few years I'll try it again xD

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EternalFreedom [2009-09-05 10:41:02 +0000 UTC]

ah.this hit home.

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TheseKrimzonFlames [2009-09-04 22:10:22 +0000 UTC]

this makes me sad

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PTGreat [2009-09-04 15:30:53 +0000 UTC]

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