xXdr0psXx [2006-01-20 12:57:37 +0000 UTC]

what's your other account?

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zamfir [2005-09-16 01:33:40 +0000 UTC]

Hmm. It is what it is, and I like it. Keep writing!

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ladygalad [2005-05-26 01:58:20 +0000 UTC]

Love the implications in this, they really make you think and wonder. I really really love your use of imagery here. The spliced ideas and wording don't draw away from the poem, and they add to it. I also enjoyed your use of color and original wording.

"Bone white irony" my fav line

"divisible" this is powerful.

Any negative comments: I think you could expand on this and maybe make the lines of thought somewhat clearer so it's easier to follow. not necessary though.

Again: This is just my opinion, what you could improve what i like. In no way do you need to reply to me and explain your motives. I am reacting as a reader.

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orphus [2005-05-18 00:26:34 +0000 UTC]

I personally think the list of adjectives is well-handled.
This seems more a descriptive piece than anything.

I love it.

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inmyroom [2005-05-17 09:46:48 +0000 UTC]

i love the type of structure, i find it very interesting and you have a nice grasp of flow and use of enjambment.

i love the vocab, though in places i find it a little too stronge.

divisible
bleeding wire
under-writ
miniature
metallic
circuitous
citric
god

like this, for example, they are nice words but it seems more of a lst of adjectives than a poem.

nice work and nice use of vocab, i enjoyed reading this piece

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Amiba [2005-04-28 04:08:48 +0000 UTC]

I didn't realize you are 14!
what an amazing use of words and images, really,
the structure here adds motion and it just asks you to pay close attention to the details.
you are an awesome writer !

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sketch0r [2005-04-25 06:52:27 +0000 UTC]

Woo Woo!

I knew from the title that it would be hardcore.
I knew from the first line that I'd have to stop reading and grab my dictionary. Glad I did.

Jesus Christ, what a poem. Took a few reads, I'll admit.

- - -

Ahh, mmm, ahh ... one complaint.

Outgoing outcomes
The truth of the thing was that
I love this place for no other reason
Than that being all I have or could be
Is somewhere else

The sound, structure, words, tone, and grammar are completely different than the rest of your poem, and this stanza stands out in a negative fashion, really. I tried looking for some deeper message or reason for it to be written so, yet 'twas a fruitless search.

- - -

On a different note (like an B flat or something, I dunno, pick a fucking note):

Automaton balanced idealistic
(flag stripe red)
white
blue

Holy awesomeness.

I'll leave on that note (I think we decided on B flat, yaya),
`sketaphor

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