ezykun [2003-05-24 04:50:15 +0000 UTC]

Crazy, man. Let's start out with what I adore:

Crushing riddalin
and snorting it on your
eggshell creme
cutting boards.

Brilliant. Simply brilliant. I love the stops in the lines, and the descriptives were just like a shot to the head.

What I don't like:

Aside from the dodgy spelling of "house," I don't care for the cliche nature of this poem. While you do well to break from it in using the cliche against itself, you do so with a rather teenage, angsty flare, rather than with a certain grace and bite.

Yes, there's the description for what's lacking: the bite. The sudden gnashing of words against the paper... That certain something that makes you want to jump up and roar and say, "Dude! I like, totally see where you're at and where you're coming from!" That's what makes the words and paper/canvas meet with any artwork - the sudden splay of emotion that ties all together in and of itself.

But aside from that, it's a great poem. It just dies to be bitten by the bitter.

--Ezy

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