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Description
- so my mortality may never be revealed in my reflection.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

1991 by Golden Features
open.spotify.com/track/1Itj...…

Its been a strange what ... 11 years now since I proclaimed myself an "artist" and stopped at no opportunity for another 8 to tell everyone how I just started out.
Just so I did not have to face the idea that I was nowhere near where I always wished to be.

I cant say I am there now, but what I can say is that I finally genuinely feel like I am /closer/ to it.

It has been 11 years of struggling to retain the love I felt for the simple act of creating versus the critical eye that I have developed,
that would tear holes into every attempt at growth and would sometimes bring me to the brink of collapsing over it all—

Would sometimes make me irredeemably frustrated at the very first lines of a scetch I was attempting to make.
Hating relentlessly every honest effort I made to just be better and eroding it in the process.
Confusing myself about why I had such /feral/ reactions to something so seemingly insignificant.

A lot of my art, if not everything, has always been severely influenced by my state of mind for better or for worse and I am still not good at balancing it.

But I am learning.

I am writing this down not to fish for congratulatory comments or an ego boost - Its a diary entry meant to remind me that I create to feel and that I learn to create.
———

Everyone around me growing up coped with their problems by lashing out - often at me. I learned to cope by lashing out at myself in the same way. Monkey see - Monkey do - a kid can only apply what it has been taught by its surroundings.
I inherited an abusive cycle that I applied to myself in rapid succession over and over every time I started to draw -I isolated it and in a strange way - it allowed me to function normally outside of it because I could compartmentalize my internalized abuse to that specific moment and actions ... like Therapy - biting at the issues bit by bit, even before I realized thats what I was doing.
Evidently something in there worked out for me, otherwise this piece would not exist today and all I have to do is to empower it and make it sustainable.

Now that I have wisened up a little bit I can start doing for myself what everyone should have in their life.
I can start to treat myself with compassion instead of rejection, with patience instead of frustration and with care instead of neglect.
And I can put all of this into my art aswell - create a positive feedback loop, reinforce habits that nurture instead of burning me out.

If art has been my way of struggling with my negative /past/ then it can now make sure that I treat my /present/ positively to finally break the cycle and move on.
And with that I will be able to reach for the things I always wanted.

Description
- so my mortality may never be revealed in my reflection.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

1991 by Golden Features
open.spotify.com/track/1Itj...…

Its been a strange what ... 11 years now since I proclaimed myself an "artist" and stopped at no opportunity for another 8 to tell everyone how I just started out.
Just so I did not have to face the idea that I was nowhere near where I always wished to be.

I cant say I am there now, but what I can say is that I finally genuinely feel like I am /closer/ to it.

It has been 11 years of struggling to retain the love I felt for the simple act of creating versus the critical eye that I have developed,
that would tear holes into every attempt at growth and would sometimes bring me to the brink of collapsing over it all—

Would sometimes make me irredeemably frustrated at the very first lines of a scetch I was attempting to make.
Hating relentlessly every honest effort I made to just be better and eroding it in the process.
Confusing myself about why I had such /feral/ reactions to something so seemingly insignificant.

A lot of my art, if not everything, has always been severely influenced by my state of mind for better or for worse and I am still not good at balancing it.

But I am learning.

I am writing this down not to fish for congratulatory comments or an ego boost - Its a diary entry meant to remind me that I create to feel and that I learn to create.
———

Everyone around me growing up coped with their problems by lashing out - often at me. I learned to cope by lashing out at myself in the same way. Monkey see - Monkey do - a kid can only apply what it has been taught by its surroundings.
I inherited an abusive cycle that I applied to myself in rapid succession over and over every time I started to draw -I isolated it and in a strange way - it allowed me to function normally outside of it because I could compartmentalize my internalized abuse to that specific moment and actions ... like Therapy - biting at the issues bit by bit, even before I realized thats what I was doing.
Evidently something in there worked out for me, otherwise this piece would not exist today and all I have to do is to empower it and make it sustainable.

Now that I have wisened up a little bit I can start doing for myself what everyone should have in their life.
I can start to treat myself with compassion instead of rejection, with patience instead of frustration and with care instead of neglect.
And I can put all of this into my art aswell - create a positive feedback loop, reinforce habits that nurture instead of burning me out.

If art has been my way of struggling with my negative /past/ then it can now make sure that I treat my /present/ positively to finally break the cycle and move on.
And with that I will be able to reach for the things I always wanted.