xlntwtch [2010-08-22 15:09:31 +0000 UTC]
Critique:
"Survival in Abandonment"
1. A post-apocalyptic tale about the UK being attacked by an unnamed disease that seems to turn those who 'catch' it into zombie-like 'creatures'... who also seem best-identified by either missing parts, thinness, yellow ooze, hunger, and/or eyes with brown irises and gold rings around them. Two survivors fight their way to stay both safe and sane in this story.
2. There are some errors, but I'm sure if you go back and edit a little more, you'll see them. A few times you wrote "...past..." when you meant "...passed..." and it's unusual to see a sudden "...you..." mentioned in the middle of a story, though I liked it at the end.
2a. There are also a couple of places where the verb tense changes to present-tense when the rest of the story is in past tense. I could see no reason for that to happen.
2b. I hope you also see where "...countrie's..." should be '...country's...' when a writer mentions one country as possessing something.
You'll see all the edits needed I'm sure.
3. I don't quite understand why a solar-powered train would suddenly stop after running for weeks, even in circles... but I suppose "the unmentionables" simply waited for it to pass them again and overcame it.
3a. I think it might be better to say so, if that's the case. Do you? Your ideas are your own to do with as you like, of course.
4. Mention of "the unmentionables" will, you might guess, bring to mind 'Harry Potter' books for many readers...though what a writer does with older ideas can always be new and it seems new here. I liked it. It's a little difficult to relate these unmentionables with 'family, relatives, children' and an entire country's population but maybe you like it that way.
Generalities:
A rewrite (possibly with a mentor, someone else to help besides comments) will help a good and active story remain so. The edits I think are required are relatively small. Everything is up to you as the writer. Even punctuation, which is also 'iffy' in a few places. Sometimes it's good to read your work aloud and see where you stop and how long you pause there... though I do recall a few typos (I think they're typos) where a period is simply missing.
It's a good story, all in all. (:
Keep writing and I hope you send more to...
...where I'm a Critic.
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