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Description

A little aside until I can finish the 2260s charts.

This chart is my take on utilizing the same ideas from “Picard” Season 3 in a TOS setting. Part of the point is to shine a light on many of the problems in the series, but another is to show how absurd the ending, with the Enterprise-G being a ship based on an older design is. Whatever other flaws the season had, I just couldn’t stand the idea of the Enterprise-G being a ship that looked so much like the Enterprise-A. It just didn’t make any sense (not to mention looking extremely stupid)! There’s also the fact that the writers apparently decided to fast-track the retirements of both the Enterprise-E (in service for only 14 years) and the Enterprise-F (being retired after only 15 years). It almost seems like that was done on purpose so they could bring out the Enterprise-G at the end.

Anyway, regardless of my feelings, I fault no one who ended up liking (or even loving) this season. My opinion should not matter to you in a way that it will upset you or cause you to not enjoy this. Indeed, I still believe that the most important opinion for anyone is their own.

With that said, I certainly hope those who fit the above description will be able to find some enjoyment out of this chart, and the accompanying story as well. And yes, there are problems with it (I don’t have a great memory, so I likely skipped over some things or got events out of order).

Still, I invite everyone to enjoy this as they can.

And if not, then no one is forcing you to see/read this.

So without further blabbering, I present:

What If Terry Matalas made an “ending” for the TOS series, as well?

Well, I think it would be something like this:

Star Trek VII: The Re-Discovered Country

Not-Gorkon: I offer a toast; to the re-discovered country!

[pause while everyone looks at him, dumbfounded]

Not-Gorkon: The past!

Not-Spock: Omelet, Act 1, Scene 3

Not-Gorkon: You’ve not truly experienced Lankeylance until you’ve read him in the original Kling-Orc.

And no, that scene (or anything like it) is not in the movie.

So, if it’s not, then what is the movie about?

Well let’s try this in acts:

Act 1:

This starts with Doctor McCoy seen hiding a person we never really get to see, then going all Rambo on us and killing a bunch of shady characters who are invading his ship. He even goes out of his way to vaporize one that’s laying on the floor helpless, cementing his new image of a badass.

We then cut to Kirk’s apartment where he’s busy packing up to retire out in the country somewhere, when suddenly his TOS-style communicator that he just happened to have not only kept, but was messing with at the precise right time went off. It turns out, McCoy sent a coded message to Kirk that would only be deciphered by Mr. Sulu. Apparently, during the V’Ger incident, the Enterprise contracted a computer virus (because that’s absolutely not something that would compromise the ship during a life-or-death situation). After decoding it, he finds a message from McCoy telling him to keep things secret and not to trust Starfleet. Whoops! Maybe he should’ve listened to that before discussing highly sensitive information in a public place, like a bar!

Oh well, maybe that suspicious guy in the corner will just turn out to be a red herring…

Anyway, we then cut to Sulu and Kirk using their status as captain and admiral respectively (yes, Kirk allowed himself to become an admiral again, despite all indications to the contrary) to conduct an inspection of the brand-spanking new USS Excelsior, NCC-2000-A! It’s one of those Neo-Daedalus Class starships, built because the fans, err, Starfleet, is so nostalgic for old, out-of-date ship designs! On board, they run into former associate, Kevin Riley who had changed his name inexplicably to Joachim, the right-hand man of Khan. Unfortunately, the ship’s captain is being a jerk and not referring to him by his preferred pronoun name. His name is Captain Cole, and he’s even more of a jerk to Kirk and Sulu, pointing out that they’re both retired and he won’t allow the Excelsior to go anywhere except where he says. He then goes on an unhinged rant against Kirk, because he didn’t save his son all those decades ago when those Plastic Things attacked Deneva. And no, it doesn’t matter that Kirk lost his brother and sister-in-law, Cole just wants to hold a grudge forever. Why? Because it’s totally in line with the brighter, more optimistic future, of course!

So, he further insults them by throwing them in the enlisted officer’s quarters where they’re forced to sleep on bunk beds. Yup, totally a great guy that we’re supposed to care about.

So, while Cole is asleep, Kirk & Sulu hijack the Excelsior with the help of Kevin Riley Joachim taking it to the nebula where McCoy last transmitted from.

Meanwhile, on planet T’Erry, Kevin Riley Joachim’s gay lover Mickey tries to track down info on the latest stolen weapon from Starfleet, the BFG! (totally not stolen from a video game) This weapon was then used to eradicate the new building dedicated to the battle at Axanar and has a massive statue of Captain Garth in the front courtyard.

He eventually gets cornered by a bunch of Gorn and their boss, a Tellarite who demands he take a drug to prove himself. Being a natural drug addict and deadbeat dad, Mickey takes it no problem, but the Tellarite is still suspicious. However, before he can order his men to kill Mickey, Chekov comes swooping in and gruesomely eviscerates everyone, in a totally valid act of self-defense!

However, since he killed their only source of information, he and Mickey have to run around T’Erry for a while and narrowly escape another setup that they had no way out of, and only succeeded against due to sheer luck.

Back on the Excelsior-A, Captain Cole notices what has happened, but it’s too late! Kirk and Sulu have located McCoy’s ship and beamed him and another aboard. However, a pink ship with a lot of pointy bits on it (it’s totally spoopy, you guys!), turning out to be the old TAS villains, the Kzinti! The leader is a female who cackles a lot and spouts nonsense dialogue like “I’m sure it’s afternoon in the Sol System”, while being generally unpleasant while she’s on screen. Her Big Bad Pointy Ship immediately uses the BFG on the Excelsior-A, which is no match for it.

After Kirk and Sulu start uncharacteristically shouting at each other for getting them all killed, the Excelsior-A “falls” into a dark part of the nebula.

Act 2:

While in the nebula, Kirk and the young-male-who’s-supposed-to-be-in-his-20s-but-looks-more-like-he’s-in-his-40s, talk on the Rec Deck. This still has full power, despite the rest of the ship needing to be powered down since it runs on an individual power source that won’t work with the rest of the ship (hey, it makes sense if you don’t think about it)! There, the “youth” reveals that his name is Gary (after Kirk’s close friend Gary Mitchell) and, in a reveal that surprises nobody, it is mentioned that he’s Kirk’s son! Well, his other son, that is. Apparently he had one with Janice Rand some time ago, somehow.

Meanwhile, the Kzinti female who commands the pointy-ship goes on an unhinged rant as well and pointlessly kills some of the other Kzinti (who happen to be hidden beneath masks). She then goes to another room where she cuts off her foot and is berated by a floating head. How does this work?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT!

So, the Excelsior-A gets out of the nebula after running in to Tentacools and Tentacruels floating in space. Then Gary exhibits super-powers, seeing sand everywhere (hide, Anakin!) and planets exploding.

The crew of the Excelsior-A attempts to contact other ships for help, but it turns out they’re all Kzinti in disguise! Holy Crap, the Kzinti have infiltrated the Federation, somehow! What is their scheme?

Find out… later…

Act 3:

In which all is revealed. Or most of it. Well, some of it. Maybe. Possibly. Just read on.

In order to figure out the mystery (or simply deepen it), the Excelsior-A tries to break into the Starfleet archives, but it’s too heavily guarded. Instead, the travel to the nearby fleet museum where they pick up Scotty and that cloaking device that they stole from the Romulans. Despite it being incredibly out of date technology, it still works, and they’re able to evade the ships, somehow.

Inside the archive, they’re stopped by a holographic projection of Garth of Izar! Fortunately, it doesn’t do much of anything. Instead, they run across Mr. Spock, who is having trouble since he now houses the Katra of his half-brother Sybok, as well! Eventually they are able to retrieve him and a clone of Kirk’s body, which the mystery antagonists want because of a birth defect!

The Kzinti are finally able to locate and board the Excelsior-A, easily invading the ship and taking it over. However, Gary Kirk is able to psychically take control of other crew members and “use” them to defeat the Kzinti. The Kzinti female leader counters this, by threatening to execute crew members on the bridge until Gary gives himself up. So Gary goes to the bridge with a thermal detonator and threatens Jabba, I mean the female Kzinti with it. Somehow things work out and Kevin Joachim decides to use the Excelsior-A’s newest, most intelligently designed feature; opening the bridge to space for “evacuation” purposes. This sucks out all the Kzinti, including their female leader whose noteworthy last words are “fucking hairless apes”.

After that, the movie reaches its climax as the crew of the Excelsior-A attempt to stop the celebration at Earth where the ENTIRE fleet of only one or two thousand ships shows up, including the soon-to-be retired Enterprise-B, commanded by Captain Saavik.

It is at this time that the true intent is exposed. Apparently Khan is back, and had his followers inserting Ceti Alpha 5 eels into all the younger crew members of each ship (since they’d be more susceptible to them) to take over and finally conquer Earth. This includes the Excelsior-A crew, who end up killing Captain Cole, who finally acknowledges Kevin Riley’s preferred pronouns name of Joachim.

Meanwhile, Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise must now abandon ship. To obtain a new one, Scotty flies them back to the fleet museum, where he unveils his secret project: an exact restoration of the original NCC-1701 Enterprise. Sure, she’s massively out of date, but at least there’s the nostalgia factor.

After several hours of the crew swooning over their old ship, it finally launches to the Sol system (for some reason the Fleet Museum and the Archives are not located in the same star system as Starfleet itself). There, they uncover a massive Death Sphere sitting inside Saturn.

Meanwhile, Gary Kirk is being drawn to the same place, somehow being telepathically in contact with Khan himself! Apparently he decided to consciously betray everyone by going to Saturn all by his lonesome and submitting himself before a restored Khan Singh!

For this reason, the Enterprise crew must fly in and save him while somehow defeating Khan at the same time. Despite the tricky maneuvering inside the Death Sphere, Spock is convinced that he can fly through using his “gut”. And so, the USS Enterprise NCC-1701 with its out of date technology and weapons systems is able to fly nimbly and quickly throughout the superstructure of the Death Sphere, blowing things away left, right, and center!

Meanwhile, Khan’s men and the newly controlled crews take over each and every ship, including an important part where Captain Saavik of the Enterprise-B is killed like a punk by her own crew. They then attack the Starbase which is somehow the key to Earth’s defenses. However, in order to slow them down, the Excelsior-A is busy blowing the snot out of the fleet, captained by Kevin Riley Joachim and his gay ex-lover Mickey.

The Enterprise is finally able to make it to the center of the Death Sphere where they beam up Kirk and his son Gary, after Kirk argues the computer keeping Khan alive to death. This creates a chain reaction that causes the entire Death Sphere to explode, yet the Enterprise is still able to fly out unharmed!

Epilogue:

In which this finally ends…

Kirk and crew finally retire, again! Kirk gets his son Gary into Starfleet Academy, which he aces his way through in only one year, somehow (must be the Abrams timeline)! Meanwhile, with the premature retirement of the Enterprise-B, Starfleet decides to disrespect the crew and late captain of the Excelsior-A and rename it the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-C! And that captain is… Kevin Riley Joachim and his gay ex-lover Mickey as first officer!

Gary is apparently also aboard as an Ensign, and is immediately confronted by Trelane, who tries desperately to set up another movie/TV series…

And there it is. And yes, I know I forgot some things. I’ll probably add them later.

But hopefully you didn’t just download or favorite the image without reading that. It did take a while to write, after all…

Description

A little aside until I can finish the 2260s charts.

This chart is my take on utilizing the same ideas from “Picard” Season 3 in a TOS setting. Part of the point is to shine a light on many of the problems in the series, but another is to show how absurd the ending, with the Enterprise-G being a ship based on an older design is. Whatever other flaws the season had, I just couldn’t stand the idea of the Enterprise-G being a ship that looked so much like the Enterprise-A. It just didn’t make any sense (not to mention looking extremely stupid)! There’s also the fact that the writers apparently decided to fast-track the retirements of both the Enterprise-E (in service for only 14 years) and the Enterprise-F (being retired after only 15 years). It almost seems like that was done on purpose so they could bring out the Enterprise-G at the end.

Anyway, regardless of my feelings, I fault no one who ended up liking (or even loving) this season. My opinion should not matter to you in a way that it will upset you or cause you to not enjoy this. Indeed, I still believe that the most important opinion for anyone is their own.

With that said, I certainly hope those who fit the above description will be able to find some enjoyment out of this chart, and the accompanying story as well. And yes, there are problems with it (I don’t have a great memory, so I likely skipped over some things or got events out of order).

Still, I invite everyone to enjoy this as they can.

And if not, then no one is forcing you to see/read this.

So without further blabbering, I present:

What If Terry Matalas made an “ending” for the TOS series, as well?

Well, I think it would be something like this:

Star Trek VII: The Re-Discovered Country

Not-Gorkon: I offer a toast; to the re-discovered country!

[pause while everyone looks at him, dumbfounded]

Not-Gorkon: The past!

Not-Spock: Omelet, Act 1, Scene 3

Not-Gorkon: You’ve not truly experienced Lankeylance until you’ve read him in the original Kling-Orc.

And no, that scene (or anything like it) is not in the movie.

So, if it’s not, then what is the movie about?

Well let’s try this in acts:

Act 1:

This starts with Doctor McCoy seen hiding a person we never really get to see, then going all Rambo on us and killing a bunch of shady characters who are invading his ship. He even goes out of his way to vaporize one that’s laying on the floor helpless, cementing his new image of a badass.

We then cut to Kirk’s apartment where he’s busy packing up to retire out in the country somewhere, when suddenly his TOS-style communicator that he just happened to have not only kept, but was messing with at the precise right time went off. It turns out, McCoy sent a coded message to Kirk that would only be deciphered by Mr. Sulu. Apparently, during the V’Ger incident, the Enterprise contracted a computer virus (because that’s absolutely not something that would compromise the ship during a life-or-death situation). After decoding it, he finds a message from McCoy telling him to keep things secret and not to trust Starfleet. Whoops! Maybe he should’ve listened to that before discussing highly sensitive information in a public place, like a bar!

Oh well, maybe that suspicious guy in the corner will just turn out to be a red herring…

Anyway, we then cut to Sulu and Kirk using their status as captain and admiral respectively (yes, Kirk allowed himself to become an admiral again, despite all indications to the contrary) to conduct an inspection of the brand-spanking new USS Excelsior, NCC-2000-A! It’s one of those Neo-Daedalus Class starships, built because the fans, err, Starfleet, is so nostalgic for old, out-of-date ship designs! On board, they run into former associate, Kevin Riley who had changed his name inexplicably to Joachim, the right-hand man of Khan. Unfortunately, the ship’s captain is being a jerk and not referring to him by his preferred pronoun name. His name is Captain Cole, and he’s even more of a jerk to Kirk and Sulu, pointing out that they’re both retired and he won’t allow the Excelsior to go anywhere except where he says. He then goes on an unhinged rant against Kirk, because he didn’t save his son all those decades ago when those Plastic Things attacked Deneva. And no, it doesn’t matter that Kirk lost his brother and sister-in-law, Cole just wants to hold a grudge forever. Why? Because it’s totally in line with the brighter, more optimistic future, of course!

So, he further insults them by throwing them in the enlisted officer’s quarters where they’re forced to sleep on bunk beds. Yup, totally a great guy that we’re supposed to care about.

So, while Cole is asleep, Kirk & Sulu hijack the Excelsior with the help of Kevin Riley Joachim taking it to the nebula where McCoy last transmitted from.

Meanwhile, on planet T’Erry, Kevin Riley Joachim’s gay lover Mickey tries to track down info on the latest stolen weapon from Starfleet, the BFG! (totally not stolen from a video game) This weapon was then used to eradicate the new building dedicated to the battle at Axanar and has a massive statue of Captain Garth in the front courtyard.

He eventually gets cornered by a bunch of Gorn and their boss, a Tellarite who demands he take a drug to prove himself. Being a natural drug addict and deadbeat dad, Mickey takes it no problem, but the Tellarite is still suspicious. However, before he can order his men to kill Mickey, Chekov comes swooping in and gruesomely eviscerates everyone, in a totally valid act of self-defense!

However, since he killed their only source of information, he and Mickey have to run around T’Erry for a while and narrowly escape another setup that they had no way out of, and only succeeded against due to sheer luck.

Back on the Excelsior-A, Captain Cole notices what has happened, but it’s too late! Kirk and Sulu have located McCoy’s ship and beamed him and another aboard. However, a pink ship with a lot of pointy bits on it (it’s totally spoopy, you guys!), turning out to be the old TAS villains, the Kzinti! The leader is a female who cackles a lot and spouts nonsense dialogue like “I’m sure it’s afternoon in the Sol System”, while being generally unpleasant while she’s on screen. Her Big Bad Pointy Ship immediately uses the BFG on the Excelsior-A, which is no match for it.

After Kirk and Sulu start uncharacteristically shouting at each other for getting them all killed, the Excelsior-A “falls” into a dark part of the nebula.

Act 2:

While in the nebula, Kirk and the young-male-who’s-supposed-to-be-in-his-20s-but-looks-more-like-he’s-in-his-40s, talk on the Rec Deck. This still has full power, despite the rest of the ship needing to be powered down since it runs on an individual power source that won’t work with the rest of the ship (hey, it makes sense if you don’t think about it)! There, the “youth” reveals that his name is Gary (after Kirk’s close friend Gary Mitchell) and, in a reveal that surprises nobody, it is mentioned that he’s Kirk’s son! Well, his other son, that is. Apparently he had one with Janice Rand some time ago, somehow.

Meanwhile, the Kzinti female who commands the pointy-ship goes on an unhinged rant as well and pointlessly kills some of the other Kzinti (who happen to be hidden beneath masks). She then goes to another room where she cuts off her foot and is berated by a floating head. How does this work?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT!

So, the Excelsior-A gets out of the nebula after running in to Tentacools and Tentacruels floating in space. Then Gary exhibits super-powers, seeing sand everywhere (hide, Anakin!) and planets exploding.

The crew of the Excelsior-A attempts to contact other ships for help, but it turns out they’re all Kzinti in disguise! Holy Crap, the Kzinti have infiltrated the Federation, somehow! What is their scheme?

Find out… later…

Act 3:

In which all is revealed. Or most of it. Well, some of it. Maybe. Possibly. Just read on.

In order to figure out the mystery (or simply deepen it), the Excelsior-A tries to break into the Starfleet archives, but it’s too heavily guarded. Instead, the travel to the nearby fleet museum where they pick up Scotty and that cloaking device that they stole from the Romulans. Despite it being incredibly out of date technology, it still works, and they’re able to evade the ships, somehow.

Inside the archive, they’re stopped by a holographic projection of Garth of Izar! Fortunately, it doesn’t do much of anything. Instead, they run across Mr. Spock, who is having trouble since he now houses the Katra of his half-brother Sybok, as well! Eventually they are able to retrieve him and a clone of Kirk’s body, which the mystery antagonists want because of a birth defect!

The Kzinti are finally able to locate and board the Excelsior-A, easily invading the ship and taking it over. However, Gary Kirk is able to psychically take control of other crew members and “use” them to defeat the Kzinti. The Kzinti female leader counters this, by threatening to execute crew members on the bridge until Gary gives himself up. So Gary goes to the bridge with a thermal detonator and threatens Jabba, I mean the female Kzinti with it. Somehow things work out and Kevin Joachim decides to use the Excelsior-A’s newest, most intelligently designed feature; opening the bridge to space for “evacuation” purposes. This sucks out all the Kzinti, including their female leader whose noteworthy last words are “fucking hairless apes”.

After that, the movie reaches its climax as the crew of the Excelsior-A attempt to stop the celebration at Earth where the ENTIRE fleet of only one or two thousand ships shows up, including the soon-to-be retired Enterprise-B, commanded by Captain Saavik.

It is at this time that the true intent is exposed. Apparently Khan is back, and had his followers inserting Ceti Alpha 5 eels into all the younger crew members of each ship (since they’d be more susceptible to them) to take over and finally conquer Earth. This includes the Excelsior-A crew, who end up killing Captain Cole, who finally acknowledges Kevin Riley’s preferred pronouns name of Joachim.

Meanwhile, Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise must now abandon ship. To obtain a new one, Scotty flies them back to the fleet museum, where he unveils his secret project: an exact restoration of the original NCC-1701 Enterprise. Sure, she’s massively out of date, but at least there’s the nostalgia factor.

After several hours of the crew swooning over their old ship, it finally launches to the Sol system (for some reason the Fleet Museum and the Archives are not located in the same star system as Starfleet itself). There, they uncover a massive Death Sphere sitting inside Saturn.

Meanwhile, Gary Kirk is being drawn to the same place, somehow being telepathically in contact with Khan himself! Apparently he decided to consciously betray everyone by going to Saturn all by his lonesome and submitting himself before a restored Khan Singh!

For this reason, the Enterprise crew must fly in and save him while somehow defeating Khan at the same time. Despite the tricky maneuvering inside the Death Sphere, Spock is convinced that he can fly through using his “gut”. And so, the USS Enterprise NCC-1701 with its out of date technology and weapons systems is able to fly nimbly and quickly throughout the superstructure of the Death Sphere, blowing things away left, right, and center!

Meanwhile, Khan’s men and the newly controlled crews take over each and every ship, including an important part where Captain Saavik of the Enterprise-B is killed like a punk by her own crew. They then attack the Starbase which is somehow the key to Earth’s defenses. However, in order to slow them down, the Excelsior-A is busy blowing the snot out of the fleet, captained by Kevin Riley Joachim and his gay ex-lover Mickey.

The Enterprise is finally able to make it to the center of the Death Sphere where they beam up Kirk and his son Gary, after Kirk argues the computer keeping Khan alive to death. This creates a chain reaction that causes the entire Death Sphere to explode, yet the Enterprise is still able to fly out unharmed!

Epilogue:

In which this finally ends…

Kirk and crew finally retire, again! Kirk gets his son Gary into Starfleet Academy, which he aces his way through in only one year, somehow (must be the Abrams timeline)! Meanwhile, with the premature retirement of the Enterprise-B, Starfleet decides to disrespect the crew and late captain of the Excelsior-A and rename it the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-C! And that captain is… Kevin Riley Joachim and his gay ex-lover Mickey as first officer!

Gary is apparently also aboard as an Ensign, and is immediately confronted by Trelane, who tries desperately to set up another movie/TV series…

And there it is. And yes, I know I forgot some things. I’ll probably add them later.

But hopefully you didn’t just download or favorite the image without reading that. It did take a while to write, after all…