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ERIN

Chaz's is a snazzy place. The prices aren't bad, and as long as you avoid the red meat, you should go home with all of your organs unscathed.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The four of us got a table at Chaz's near the back. A table, not a booth. (I always liked booths more. Table feel so in-the-open...) It was Friday, so the place was pretty packed. Jeremy was buying. Thank God for small favors.
It was Jeremy and Ron on one side, and Alyssa and I on the other.
Ron had showed up with a skin-tight pink band tee on, gelled hair, mascara,  and a rainbow scarf to top it all off. I'm not one to judge, but... I mean, wow. I think this is his casual apparel, too.
"I think I'm going to get a salad. I want to stay thin, you know?" He said, rubbing his hand over his stomach. "We should all get some kind of fish. It does wonders for the complexion."
I shifted my vision over to Jeremy and almost laughed out loud, right there. He looked just about fed up with Ron. (Who, mentally, I refer to as the Human Torch. Flame on!)
Alyssa said, "So I found ten bucks today. On the ground."
I made a face. "I've never found money before. Ever."
"I have, once." Jeremy said. "But it doesn't count, because I had to dig really deep in my mother's purse to get it."
Ron guffawed, and Jeremy's eyes met mine. He had planned the not-really-that-funny joke, just to show me how annoyingly dramatic Ron was. I hid a smile and shrugged. I guess all is not well in Jonemy Land. Surprise, surprise.
I felt Alyssa run her fingers lightly over my knuckles as we ordered. When the waiter left, she said,
"I have to go to the bathroom. Erin, wanna come with me?"
"Uh..."
"Girls are so weird about that." Jeremy said, looking disgusted. "Can't you just go alone?"
"I wouldn't go alone if I had the chance!" Ron offered, laughing for no apparent reason. I saw Jeremy grind his teeth, irritated.
As I walked behind Alyssa and made a beeline for the restroom, I heard Ron say something along the lines of,  "Jerryhoney, you need a new haircut. This one makes you look like you're homeless..."
The restroom was surprisingly empty. I guess everyone got the red meat memo after all.
"I just had to get away from them for a sec." Alyssa told me, smiling and leaning back against a sink. "I think Jeremy's a little in over his head."
I laughed, "What was your first clue?"
Alyssa reached out for me and I walked up to her. Her hands landed on my shoulders, (she's almost the same exact height as me, by the way) and she kissed me very lightly.
"What was that for?" I asked.
She shrugged, then kissed me again. This time harder. So I was a little surprised, and a bit off about being in a public restroom, but I kissed her back until her hands fumbled at the bottom of my shirt. She tugged down on it and said, "We should get a stall."
I grinned. "What? Where did all of this come from?"
She didn't answer. She backed me into a stall and locked the door, even though I tried protesting once or twice. The human brain's a wacky thing. One minute, you're in full control-- sober and logical, but it can just flash and flicker and leave you alone in your body just like that, and all with just one intimate touch.
I managed to grab onto Alyssa's belt loops on either sides of her hips and pull her close to me. She didn't resist. If anything, she was giving into this more than I was. I had a sudden thought about my cell phone. Oh crap. I had forgotten to call Nat--
"I love you." She said, mouth on my neck. I froze. Again?
This time she pulled back and really looked at me. "Erin, answer me."
"I..." I licked my lips, which were suddenly dry. My eyes flickered to the confines of the stall. "Are you serious?"
"I am." Her voice was quiet but sure. "What do you have to say about that? Last time you didn't say anything. I'm not going to take silence again."
My heart was pounding in my chest. Like, not rapidly, just loudly. I suddenly wished I could teleport.
"I... I can't... I just don't know, Alyssa, if..."
Her face broke down. "Where are you, Erin?"
"What?"
"Where are you? Ever since we came out, you've been... I don't know, it hasn't been the same."
"Alyssa, I just. I don't know, okay?" Uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable.
"I think it's a lot of reasons." She went on, "Like, how I show you every side of me, and what do you do? You show me nothing. I know you've had a rough life, Erin, but goddammit!" She was loud now. "You've got to let someone in, eventually--"
Something about the way she said that made me angry and terrified at the same time. "Well it doesn't work that way! It's not that clean-cut!"
"Maybe it's just not me."
I was tired of not understanding. "What?"
"Maybe... I'm not the one. I'm not the one you're going to let in, am I?"
I just stood there. What else could I do? "Alyssa, I really like you."
"I know." She said, looking down. "I know. But I can't get passed these barriers you have up. And you don't love me, do you?"
I said nothing.
She nodded, like she was convincing herself of some pretty lie. But I knew it was the truth.
"Right. Right. Okay. But, you see, Erin... I love you. And I want to be in a relationship where the feeling is mutual. Haven't you noticed... the only thing we really have in common is that we're both gay. We both needed each other to feel strong and secure. But now that we're both out and confident in ourselves... I think, our time as a couple is up. I needed you so I could discover myself. You needed me so you could finally break through the lies. And now... what's left?"
She was right. Horribly right, and I could feel it in my gut like concrete.
I said, "Are we breaking up?"
"I think we are."
We stood there in silence for a while. I could hear the people outside of the bathroom. I could hear silverware clattering. I was amazed no one had come in.
Then I said, "I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"Because I can't make this work. Because I can load all of the tape I want to onto us, and it won't work, will it? It was good for both of us, but now... now it feels like I'm just bringing a crutch with me wherever I go, even though my leg is healed."
It must have made sense to her somehow, because she said, "I'm the crutch." She rubbed her eyes. "You're my crutch, too. But you're right. The obstacle is over. We've gotten through the worst. The parts we needed help with, and now..."
"And now it's time to stand on our own."
Tears. My God, Alyssa had tears in her eyes. I hated that. I hated me for doing this. I hated us for letting this happen, and I hated God because I knew more than anything, that our relationship had always just been a naiive crush that grew larger than life when we discovered we could benefit by using each other. I hated that.
We didn't have much in common, did we? Meanwhile, I was out making new friends and...
I stopped. New friends.
That's what I had caught. I had been so tied up with this... this relationship that had been over before we knew it, that I hadn't noticed when something real was on the way. I hadn't noticed when someone real was introduced to me. I hadn't understood then.
And now that I did, it was too complicated to think about.
Alyssa and I left the bathroom hand in hand. Just like when we had walked down the hallway.
Significance, significance.
Jeremy was screaming at Ron: "GOD, I AM NOT GOING TO BUY A MATCHING SCARF, OKAY? YOU ARE SO GAY!"
Ron was crying. Seriously. "B-but! You're gay, too!"
"My faggotry pales in comparison to yours!" He yelled standing up. Everyone looked at them. "You can make even the most masculine thing GAYER THAN RICHARD SIMMONS. Okay? And stop calling me pookiebear!"
"You're so mean!" Ron sobbed.
"Mean? MEAN? I'm not MEAN, Ron, I'm GAY. As in, I'm a MAN that likes MEN.  If I wanted a GIRLFRIEND, I'd date Erin!"
I went up to him. "Can we go home now, Jeremy?"
"I think that'd be a fabulous idea!" He huffed.
Alyssa squeezed my hand one last time...
then let go.