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The Table Manners Guide for Dads

Dear Dad,

Remember when I was little and you thought my siblings and I had poor table manners so you threatened to send us to manner school if we didn't have a better decorum?  Even though we weren't that bad, you drilled into us the proper etiquette for dining: say grace, don't eat until everybody has their food, keep your elbows off the table, and all that jazz.  Well, we've all acquired propriety, but over the years I realize you need some help in how you conduct yourself.

I don't mind your quirks when it is just the family eating together in private, but since you go out on so many work dinners I thought it would be considerate of me to help you improve your table manners.  These rules can be applied to almost any parent, so feel free to show them to your troubled friends if you feel the need to.

Step 1. Stop telling gross and/or embarrassing stories

While being a doctor at a nationally famous hospital puts you in many exciting situations, refrain from discussing anything that has do to with bodily fluids, operations, and organs.  It is challenging to enjoy a delicious bowl of chili with Fritos when you keep mentioning how annoying it is when a patient's excessive diarrhea clogs multiple toilets.  If I wanted to barf after eating then I'd be bulimic.  Stick to the stories about crazy, racist residents or temperamental surgeons.  Those are much more entertaining and less sickening.

Instead of talking about work all the time, you also enjoy discussing your childhood.  Don't.  Frankly, if I knew you when you were in your youth we probably wouldn't have been friends.  Maybe you have some actual, non-embarrassing stories about Indiana; however, this does NOT include:

~Your bitter failure in basketball

~Brushing a girl's hair because you thought she liked you

~Watching planes take off and land during college because you had no friends

~Using "Did you spray carbon dioxide on your eyes?" as a pick up line because you thought her excessive amount of blue eye shadow was a chemical

I personally think those stories are hilarious, but non-family members might look at you differently after hearing too many of them.  And not in a good way.

Step 2. General Topics You Should Never Talk About

Diets.  You are over six feet tall and weigh less than 160 pounds.  When you go over your 160 average you "diet" (eating olives instead of crackers for three days doesn't count).  Let's say you are at one of your work dinners and there is a big boned woman sitting beside you who is happily enjoying her three course meal of buffalo chicken wings, bacon burger with fries, and some ice cream topped hot fudge.  When you boast about your latest "diet" craze, she'll feel insecure because she weighs more than you and does not feel the need to diet until now.  Hence, don't mention your diets.

Napkins.  For some reason, you are really proud that you tuck a napkin into your shirt whenever you eat anything with sauce.  When something gets on your napkin you show everybody how well your napkin protected a shirt you own fifty more identical copies of.  You act like you invented the napkin.  Congratulations on your cleanliness and all, but it is a little weird.

The Holocaust.  Intense historical events like this should be mentioned carefully.  For example, if your son ever brings his German girlfriend to dinner again, don't ask her if her parents were Nazis.

Disgusting food.  Most of the time you are excellent when it comes to complimenting Mom's cooking, but the next time you complain about my salad things will not end well.  For the last time, it tastes like refrigeration because it was from the fridge!  It wasn't perfect, I admit, though you can stop talking about how poorly made it was.  Next time we have to get our own food because Mom is gone I'm making you cook dinner rather than go to Taco Bell (and I know those salads make you gassy).

Step 3. How to Act with Teenagers

Maybe you have difficulty with teenagers because you didn't have time to be one yourself, so this might be your toughest challenge.  Listen up well, because most teenagers (like myself) are judgmental.

Your children (well, most of them) surprisingly have a lot of friends.  One of your daughters has gone through quite a number of boyfriends, too, so it is important to know their names.  Do not refer to a new boyfriend by the ex-boyfriend's name.  Remember, "Ben" stands for "Bastard" and "Nick" stands for "Nice."

One time I brought four friends over, which was a big deal because I'm the one child who doesn't have many friends.  They were all feeling awkward at such a formal dinner.  Being the nice guy you are, you tried to make them comfortable through some casual chatter.  While I appreciate your effort, you violated step one frequently throughout this particular dinner.  In addition to that, one of the topics you chose to "break the ice" with was on how to cut an artichoke.  Thankfully, my friends are quite kind so they acted interested.  Generally, however, nobody under the age of forty wants to know how to cut an artichoke.  If you need something to talk about, ask them about school, sports, music, or other teenagery things.  As long as you don't slip into a lecture that sounds like a health class, you should be fine.

Just as a reminder, never talk about my baby days or other embarrassing time periods…. So basically don't ever talk about me.

Step 4. Be Happy!

Despite my judgements, I am grateful for all your effort to act normal.  Please don't take my words too harshly and accept them with your one-dimpled, crooked smile plastered on your face.  If you ever forget one of these rules, you can always count on me to do something so incredibly embarrassing that you'll have to write me a table manners guide.  Or a life guide.

I guess, in the end, we are both too awkward to handle.  The best we can do is laugh and act like we meant to spray the whip cream on the Thanksgiving Turkey.

Love,

Your Clumsy Daughter

Description
The Table Manners Guide for Dads

Dear Dad,

Remember when I was little and you thought my siblings and I had poor table manners so you threatened to send us to manner school if we didn't have a better decorum?  Even though we weren't that bad, you drilled into us the proper etiquette for dining: say grace, don't eat until everybody has their food, keep your elbows off the table, and all that jazz.  Well, we've all acquired propriety, but over the years I realize you need some help in how you conduct yourself.

I don't mind your quirks when it is just the family eating together in private, but since you go out on so many work dinners I thought it would be considerate of me to help you improve your table manners.  These rules can be applied to almost any parent, so feel free to show them to your troubled friends if you feel the need to.

Step 1. Stop telling gross and/or embarrassing stories

While being a doctor at a nationally famous hospital puts you in many exciting situations, refrain from discussing anything that has do to with bodily fluids, operations, and organs.  It is challenging to enjoy a delicious bowl of chili with Fritos when you keep mentioning how annoying it is when a patient's excessive diarrhea clogs multiple toilets.  If I wanted to barf after eating then I'd be bulimic.  Stick to the stories about crazy, racist residents or temperamental surgeons.  Those are much more entertaining and less sickening.

Instead of talking about work all the time, you also enjoy discussing your childhood.  Don't.  Frankly, if I knew you when you were in your youth we probably wouldn't have been friends.  Maybe you have some actual, non-embarrassing stories about Indiana; however, this does NOT include:

~Your bitter failure in basketball

~Brushing a girl's hair because you thought she liked you

~Watching planes take off and land during college because you had no friends

~Using "Did you spray carbon dioxide on your eyes?" as a pick up line because you thought her excessive amount of blue eye shadow was a chemical

I personally think those stories are hilarious, but non-family members might look at you differently after hearing too many of them.  And not in a good way.

Step 2. General Topics You Should Never Talk About

Diets.  You are over six feet tall and weigh less than 160 pounds.  When you go over your 160 average you "diet" (eating olives instead of crackers for three days doesn't count).  Let's say you are at one of your work dinners and there is a big boned woman sitting beside you who is happily enjoying her three course meal of buffalo chicken wings, bacon burger with fries, and some ice cream topped hot fudge.  When you boast about your latest "diet" craze, she'll feel insecure because she weighs more than you and does not feel the need to diet until now.  Hence, don't mention your diets.

Napkins.  For some reason, you are really proud that you tuck a napkin into your shirt whenever you eat anything with sauce.  When something gets on your napkin you show everybody how well your napkin protected a shirt you own fifty more identical copies of.  You act like you invented the napkin.  Congratulations on your cleanliness and all, but it is a little weird.

The Holocaust.  Intense historical events like this should be mentioned carefully.  For example, if your son ever brings his German girlfriend to dinner again, don't ask her if her parents were Nazis.

Disgusting food.  Most of the time you are excellent when it comes to complimenting Mom's cooking, but the next time you complain about my salad things will not end well.  For the last time, it tastes like refrigeration because it was from the fridge!  It wasn't perfect, I admit, though you can stop talking about how poorly made it was.  Next time we have to get our own food because Mom is gone I'm making you cook dinner rather than go to Taco Bell (and I know those salads make you gassy).

Step 3. How to Act with Teenagers

Maybe you have difficulty with teenagers because you didn't have time to be one yourself, so this might be your toughest challenge.  Listen up well, because most teenagers (like myself) are judgmental.

Your children (well, most of them) surprisingly have a lot of friends.  One of your daughters has gone through quite a number of boyfriends, too, so it is important to know their names.  Do not refer to a new boyfriend by the ex-boyfriend's name.  Remember, "Ben" stands for "Bastard" and "Nick" stands for "Nice."

One time I brought four friends over, which was a big deal because I'm the one child who doesn't have many friends.  They were all feeling awkward at such a formal dinner.  Being the nice guy you are, you tried to make them comfortable through some casual chatter.  While I appreciate your effort, you violated step one frequently throughout this particular dinner.  In addition to that, one of the topics you chose to "break the ice" with was on how to cut an artichoke.  Thankfully, my friends are quite kind so they acted interested.  Generally, however, nobody under the age of forty wants to know how to cut an artichoke.  If you need something to talk about, ask them about school, sports, music, or other teenagery things.  As long as you don't slip into a lecture that sounds like a health class, you should be fine.

Just as a reminder, never talk about my baby days or other embarrassing time periods…. So basically don't ever talk about me.

Step 4. Be Happy!

Despite my judgements, I am grateful for all your effort to act normal.  Please don't take my words too harshly and accept them with your one-dimpled, crooked smile plastered on your face.  If you ever forget one of these rules, you can always count on me to do something so incredibly embarrassing that you'll have to write me a table manners guide.  Or a life guide.

I guess, in the end, we are both too awkward to handle.  The best we can do is laugh and act like we meant to spray the whip cream on the Thanksgiving Turkey.

Love,

Your Clumsy Daughter