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Description

My eyes see only the ideas, but the truth is what I cannot look at
I’m too afraid and disgusted of myself.
Emotion create a conflagration inside of me.
Thoughts leak out, I have no control over them.
My words are already rotten, I try to speak,
but I only vommit an imperfection...
...that’s the truth.
Perfection restricts me with golden chains,
then it goes further to penetrate me
and fill with madness
and chaos, which I cannot hold inside

- - -
Yay another WIP from over a year ago I decided to share!
Okay not really; I have redrawn a new outline and nailed tidbits, as well as changed words from the original file,
because they correspond to my current feelings...and a decision I take now seriously.

I tend to say things I regret, because I cannot keep my words when it comes to personal stuff and what I plan to share online.
I sometimes just wish to withdrawn myself and not interact with others completely only to not make mistakes or things in vain from my point of view.
This was sketched back in the day after I accidentally offended someone I cared about and hoped to share my ideas with,
but I worded myself wrong...something I feared for a long time happened back then....still, I hardly improved even a bit in wording myself.
But I just keep trying, to not close myself from others.

After having an argue with my mom and taking a walk, I dealed with this situation by transforming it into another event in my fictional World, around Weirda Mirrart.
I really....don't want this story to die just because I procrastinate, get scatterbrained or try to desperately work on so many ideas....
I've mentioned to my watchers that I'll start posting my unfinished works from years ago, but I turned towards the past and even got the same
obsessive-escapism-and highly moody-mindstate again.

I started to ruin the uphill I climbed onto for the last months, when I accepted the fact there are better and worse works of mine,
that even if I work my best on my ideas, I'm just a grain of sand among artists, just a part of them, I'm not that important
as I feel at times just because irl people mark me I'm extraordinary and I cannot waste this.
As a perfectionist I obviously took route "all or nothing", so I tried to compete with artists who create similar subject,
especially after someone told me my works remind that of BlueHaruka's. I wanted to prove myself I'm not what my dad was telling me almost everyday for the last few years.
(lazy, idiot, naive, pathetic, having narrow range of words and talking in confusing, stupid way and having a passion/hobby that means fucking nothing)

After moving out, I trained my motivation or rather, determination to balance my life with my daydreaming, but in the last week....
PMS and an unpleasant event at the job made me overhelmed by my own frustrations and self-hatred, focusing on my cons and what I cannot do....
just like years before. I hate this so much. I thought I vented enough on this.

And then....a certain memory made me open my eyes: one girl at the job who I really like, calm and hardworking,
eager to learn like me once listened to my vents and her face and reply astounded me:

I said that I just think bad of myself and have lots of negative thoughts coming over and over

"....but why?" she was really confused and uhh....this little thing made me realize how I deny the truth about myself and give in emotions.
They're like fire: can give a power to create new things, but can also burn and destroy the one who's holding it.

I'm already at the stage of rewriting some of my OCs and seeing I get new ideas only for the future storyline of my stories,
meaning that gaps from the first half will be rather left there....SO BE IT. I want to focus. I want to move on.
I want to start working on a comic I dream about since years and have extra works along the way, like my E-Pokedex project
when I have days of obsessive focus on poke-science instead of my fictional Pokemon World.

I'll share unfinished works even if my hands are itching to correct them, even if I am so afraid and anxious I'll confuse my watchers
with old designs or ideas that later will look different. I'll spam wall of text 95% of you won't care about.
I need to burn the chains of my past and my past habits and see what I can grow from these ashes.

I have grown tired of my own self-pity and repeating what my father been telling me for years. He was a lier.
I slowly start to see the true self. Of someone that can matter to others, even if does lots of awkward mistakes or still procrastinates out of lacking the energy/enthusiasm.
But I'm just trying.
To keep going.
- - -
Note: I love the fact that shiny Reshiram eyes are that of regular Zekrom and vice versa: sometimes I see such Reshiram as the one considered as "wrong", because it sees ideas rather then the truth. As you can guess, Shiny Spiritomb colors relate to Reshiram's Blue Flare and I see this Pokemon often as an embody of chaos and madness withing one's soul, it's dark side.

Shiny Reshiram here also represents how I felt...no, not like a snowflake, because that's just plain stupid term used to rudicule some things
-we are all original and one of a kind and our lifes are short that nobody might ever even see it- like a snoflake that falls and melts without someone even admiring its beauty. Same events trigger different reactions within people and we all got unique experiences and emotion, so why use "snowflake" as something to laugh at? For me every person't life is beautiful which is why I hate small talk, I love to know people from their inside, their history and uniquess.
ugh.

Pardon digression. What I wanted to mark is, being surrounded by people with no life purpose and those who are almost completely practical and do not get phylosophy, laughing at it as a waste of time, who are much less sensitive than me, I was even told to not give up, becasue I'm extraordinary with my direction in life and view on the World.
Suffering from being laughed at and pointed out as a weirdo, I felt like a hero who fights for greater good, who wants to guide others with art.
We all often want to be like a hero. We want to be remembered, wrapped in great words and deeds, which is why I also went with a legendary Pokemno Reshiram. It awakens thanks to the hero of truth, thanks to its willpower,but it cannot associate itself with it...it's not a hero.
_____________________________
art belongs to me, Marta Kłeczek
Reshiram and Spiritomb as Pokemon belong to Game Freak

Description

My eyes see only the ideas, but the truth is what I cannot look at
I’m too afraid and disgusted of myself.
Emotion create a conflagration inside of me.
Thoughts leak out, I have no control over them.
My words are already rotten, I try to speak,
but I only vommit an imperfection...
...that’s the truth.
Perfection restricts me with golden chains,
then it goes further to penetrate me
and fill with madness
and chaos, which I cannot hold inside

- - -
Yay another WIP from over a year ago I decided to share!
Okay not really; I have redrawn a new outline and nailed tidbits, as well as changed words from the original file,
because they correspond to my current feelings...and a decision I take now seriously.

I tend to say things I regret, because I cannot keep my words when it comes to personal stuff and what I plan to share online.
I sometimes just wish to withdrawn myself and not interact with others completely only to not make mistakes or things in vain from my point of view.
This was sketched back in the day after I accidentally offended someone I cared about and hoped to share my ideas with,
but I worded myself wrong...something I feared for a long time happened back then....still, I hardly improved even a bit in wording myself.
But I just keep trying, to not close myself from others.

After having an argue with my mom and taking a walk, I dealed with this situation by transforming it into another event in my fictional World, around Weirda Mirrart.
I really....don't want this story to die just because I procrastinate, get scatterbrained or try to desperately work on so many ideas....
I've mentioned to my watchers that I'll start posting my unfinished works from years ago, but I turned towards the past and even got the same
obsessive-escapism-and highly moody-mindstate again.

I started to ruin the uphill I climbed onto for the last months, when I accepted the fact there are better and worse works of mine,
that even if I work my best on my ideas, I'm just a grain of sand among artists, just a part of them, I'm not that important
as I feel at times just because irl people mark me I'm extraordinary and I cannot waste this.
As a perfectionist I obviously took route "all or nothing", so I tried to compete with artists who create similar subject,
especially after someone told me my works remind that of BlueHaruka's. I wanted to prove myself I'm not what my dad was telling me almost everyday for the last few years.
(lazy, idiot, naive, pathetic, having narrow range of words and talking in confusing, stupid way and having a passion/hobby that means fucking nothing)

After moving out, I trained my motivation or rather, determination to balance my life with my daydreaming, but in the last week....
PMS and an unpleasant event at the job made me overhelmed by my own frustrations and self-hatred, focusing on my cons and what I cannot do....
just like years before. I hate this so much. I thought I vented enough on this.

And then....a certain memory made me open my eyes: one girl at the job who I really like, calm and hardworking,
eager to learn like me once listened to my vents and her face and reply astounded me:

I said that I just think bad of myself and have lots of negative thoughts coming over and over

"....but why?" she was really confused and uhh....this little thing made me realize how I deny the truth about myself and give in emotions.
They're like fire: can give a power to create new things, but can also burn and destroy the one who's holding it.

I'm already at the stage of rewriting some of my OCs and seeing I get new ideas only for the future storyline of my stories,
meaning that gaps from the first half will be rather left there....SO BE IT. I want to focus. I want to move on.
I want to start working on a comic I dream about since years and have extra works along the way, like my E-Pokedex project
when I have days of obsessive focus on poke-science instead of my fictional Pokemon World.

I'll share unfinished works even if my hands are itching to correct them, even if I am so afraid and anxious I'll confuse my watchers
with old designs or ideas that later will look different. I'll spam wall of text 95% of you won't care about.
I need to burn the chains of my past and my past habits and see what I can grow from these ashes.

I have grown tired of my own self-pity and repeating what my father been telling me for years. He was a lier.
I slowly start to see the true self. Of someone that can matter to others, even if does lots of awkward mistakes or still procrastinates out of lacking the energy/enthusiasm.
But I'm just trying.
To keep going.
- - -
Note: I love the fact that shiny Reshiram eyes are that of regular Zekrom and vice versa: sometimes I see such Reshiram as the one considered as "wrong", because it sees ideas rather then the truth. As you can guess, Shiny Spiritomb colors relate to Reshiram's Blue Flare and I see this Pokemon often as an embody of chaos and madness withing one's soul, it's dark side.

Shiny Reshiram here also represents how I felt...no, not like a snowflake, because that's just plain stupid term used to rudicule some things
-we are all original and one of a kind and our lifes are short that nobody might ever even see it- like a snoflake that falls and melts without someone even admiring its beauty. Same events trigger different reactions within people and we all got unique experiences and emotion, so why use "snowflake" as something to laugh at? For me every person't life is beautiful which is why I hate small talk, I love to know people from their inside, their history and uniquess.
ugh.

Pardon digression. What I wanted to mark is, being surrounded by people with no life purpose and those who are almost completely practical and do not get phylosophy, laughing at it as a waste of time, who are much less sensitive than me, I was even told to not give up, becasue I'm extraordinary with my direction in life and view on the World.
Suffering from being laughed at and pointed out as a weirdo, I felt like a hero who fights for greater good, who wants to guide others with art.
We all often want to be like a hero. We want to be remembered, wrapped in great words and deeds, which is why I also went with a legendary Pokemno Reshiram. It awakens thanks to the hero of truth, thanks to its willpower,but it cannot associate itself with it...it's not a hero.
_____________________________
art belongs to me, Marta Kłeczek
Reshiram and Spiritomb as Pokemon belong to Game Freak