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The theatre roars above me as I prepare myself in my breakroom. I’ve done this dozens of times, yet somehow I still can't get over that sickly pre-show feeling that consumes me. I adjust my clothes softly, checking myself in the mirror quickly before nodding a soft gesture of approval.
A woman waltzes into the room breathless, her face shimmering with sweat as she gives me a friendly nod
“Knock ‘em dead, you rising star you” The woman giggles, her sparkling blue eyes reflecting the adrenaline from her performance. Sherry has always been there, being a comedian like myself, her support causes a soft warmth to rise in my chest.
“Oh I always do, Sher.” I grin back, careful to check my teeth for lipstick before positioning myself at the door.

”And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present tonight’s featured comedian: (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N)!!”

At my cue I open the door and jog up the runway, making myself visible to the audience. Applause roars through the room as I make my way to the circular inner stage. It’s a full house, humans and monsters alike are packed into the seating, letting go of their differences for the evening and relaxing.
It’s been a year or so since the monsters had resurfaced, and oddly enough people were shockingly okay with it. Turns out human inner conflicts had taught us to be a bit more respectful toward other races. But it’s still unnerving to some when a skeleton or a talking dog-man enters a room suddenly. People still feel a bit vulnerable to them, I guess. But nonetheless, one thing that appears to set the monsters and humans straight is comedy. So my shows are usually made up of a very diverse crowd.

“Hello everybody!” I call out to the crowd, evoking a new rise of cheers and claps from the crowd as I make my way around the circle and assess the audience “It’s nice to see everybody here tonight. Honestly its great to finally have a show that’s close to home, yknow?” I chuckle, the crowd lets out a few lighthearted woops.

“Oh dont take it personal, I’m not complementing the area,” I scold sarcastically “I just like being able to not give a singular fuck when I get up in the morning.” A few audience members clap and cheer happily in agreeance. I cast a smirk.
“No really, its nice. I can just get up and leave, no effort needed!i finally have achieved everything I want in life. To be super lazy. I’ve always admired people who can just sort of roll out of bed and do interesting things ” I state, watching the crowd as they listen intently “Not because the roll out of bed and look good, no, its because they roll out of bed and say ‘Piss off world! I’m trash and I dont care if you notice!’” The crowd chuckles, sitting back and relaxing.
“I wish I could do that though. I wish I could date someone who can do that. Because they are clearly people who can devote their attention to what truly matters.” With a charming grin I place a hand over my heart and sigh. The crowd seems to take this as a sweet emotional gesture and ‘awes’ softly. I laugh, tossing my head back and shaking it.
“Oh. you all think I mean romance? I meant making bad puns and eating way too much for their own good.” I state dryly, the crowd roars excitedly, I can feel my heart thundering in my chest.

“I’m not kidding though, I adore people who can just not care about what’s happening. I used to live by this mountain, you see, and since I was still pretty small I did some local stand up where I lived. Anyway, I met this kid and I swear to god they were both the essence of friendship….” I stride across the stage, lifting one hand in the air to emphasize the main characteristics of the child. “...and absolute apathy.” I finish, drawing several chuckles from the audience.
“I’m not fucking with you, this child is like eight years old and can make anything its friend. Fricking rattlesnakes would be calm around this child. It was incredible. But at the same time, they just never cared AT ALL. just walking around in utter chaos like they were born in it.” I laugh, the audience chuckles with me. Covering my mouth like a mask, I put on my best Bane voice and scowl
\“You think not giving a fuck is your ally? You merely adopted the apathy. I was born in it, molded by it. I didnt get feelings until i was eight. By then it was nothing to me but kinda inconveniencing and sorta fun!”

The crowd goes wild, mostly humans laughing at the joke, but monsters joined in too.

“I loved that kid so much. They went missing, sadly, and I eventually moved.” I state seriously, pouting softly and looking around “But nevertheless, that little kid introduced to me a character quality that I never thought I’d want in a significant other.” the crowd leans forward, anticipating my response.

“Absolute, total, unrelentless laziness.”

The crowd laughs in shock and a few hollers come from a tipsy college student.

“You guys dont understand, I need it. Like, a lazy person wont ever cheat on you. They’re too damn lazy to get up and do so. A lazy person is totally chill with just sitting on the couch all day watching movies. A lazy person can roll out of bed in their pajamas and say ‘screw it, I dont care anymore.’ and just leave the house like that.” The audience laughs hard as I make a list on my fingers, grinning from ear to ear as I talk.

“But wouldn’t that suck after a while!?” A voice calls out from across the room, “They would never treat you to anything, it would be a stale relationship!” I chuckle, giving the audience member my full attention before taking a few steps back and replying

“Well I’m lazy too! We don’t have to do anything for each other because we are lazy! And then when we do do something, then it's way more thrilling because it’s unexpected!” The crowd cheers in agreement as I laugh softly and pace the stage.

“This all ties into my main story for the evening,” I state, silencing the room softly as I chuckle, “I’m going to give you three phrases, each are both random and incredibly important. So listen up.” The audience silences, listening intently.”

“Humans are too high maintenance,”

The crowd chuckles, but listens.

“I kinda hate monsters,”

A few shocked gasps, which i silence with one hand.

“And I think I’m falling for someone over a ketchup pun.”

The crowd is intrigued, their interest peaked by the strangeness of my words.
“You see, the thing about humans is that we’ve got way too many parts. And when you’re young that doesn't matter. You can eat 8 bowls of chocolate cereal and then spin around for an hour and be okay. “
The crowd laughs softly, enthralled by my points.
“When you get older, though, you realize that your body is a crap ton of work. There’s pills and vitamins for everything! A kidney pill, a brain pill, a muscle vitamin, a voice pill. Lord forbid you’re a woman, because now you have an array of uterus pills to keep you from falling apart at the very seams!”
A loud roar of agreement comes from the crowd, several monsters chuckling at the prospect of needing so many things to keep healthy.
“But monsters? No, monsters can eat the most outlandish things and they’re totally fine! A monster could eat six pounds of spaghetti or snails and they’re totally okay! In fact, they’re better than okay!A monster could eat rocks and nails and dirt and then be well enough to do a few laps around the block, watch a movie, hang out with friends, etc. Can a human do that? NOPE! A human can't even eat the wrong type of lettuce or mayonnaise without laying in bed for hours in pain.”
The room is filled with harsh cackling laughter as humans and monsters alike join in on the joke.
“So I dont hate monsters, I just am jealous of them. Do you know how thrilling life would be if we could just eat whatever we want?”
I take a few turns around the room.
“I could eat ramen noodles WITH the flavor packet! The whole packet!!”
My face changes to a wide grin as I look around, a few locks of my (y/h/c) hair falling over my eyes. The audience cackles in agreement, a few happy sighs and several chattering college students let out some tipsy hollers.

“But it’s amazing, the things monsters can ingest.
I went to a local diner a few months back and was honestly shocked when I saw the object of my soon-to-be hate-love. Join me why dont ya?” I chuckle, letting the audience settle in for the story.

“It was a pretty normal day, I had nothing to do and I just needed a break. So i go on down to my local diner and start writing some new jokes over breakfast.
That’s when they came in.
It was a family of monsters, a clearly diverse group of people who had sort of adopted each other. There was the sweet mom friend, the weird lesbian, the dorky fandom one, they had the whole collection. These folks look fairly new to the area, but I couldnt pin down where they were from. All I can tell you is that these people have definitely seen some shit. I thought folks like these were only true in fairytales...

...And then I saw his face. “

A wild cheery holler comes from the laughing audience as I try to hold back my own giggles.

“He was everything I had ever hoped to be.
You hear young men and women talking about their spirit animal and all that, but I actually found my spirit animal guys.
Now, I hate to be too forward, but tibia honest , I couldnt help but find his monster type interesting. I mean,the guy was short, but scary.But somehow he also seemed super chill. yknow? He looked threatening, but also kinda... gutless . I could also say he’s the type to be... unable to let anything get under his skin . He was clearly very humerus …. I mean, I’ve never talked to him, but he sure hit my… funnybone “

A few members of the audience groan at my horrible puns, rippling statements of “we get it already” float around the room.

“Oh yeah, he was also a motherfucking skeleton.”

A rippling laughter rolls over the room as I chuckle softly.

“Anyway, the guy comes in and I honestly am taken aback at how disheveled and tired he looks. The dude is practically asleep on his feet. No, scratch that, he was asleep on his feet! I swear to god this guy is just sleeping and walking around like the world is his bitch. I was so impressed!”

A group of monsters seem to become incredibly interested in my story as I continue.

“Anyway, they all sit down and order their food. I’m across the diner from all of them, so I can sorta watch without looking too creepy. And eventually they get their food and do their thing. But all this crazy man gets is a bottle of ketchup.
And without missing a beat, this mosuckra just drinks the entire bottle ”

Several people gasp in the audience as I relate the strangeness.

“But that’s not all! He then finishes before everyone else and looks at the others with this big, innocent expression. Then this little shit just states:

‘Wow, you guys need to ketchup to me.’”

The audience bursts into wild laughter.
“I was so done! I had to leave early to keep myself from laughing and giving away my position. But you need to understand how glorious it was! The perfect image of laziness followed by a ridiculous pun!? I almost asked him to marry me on the spot!” the room is filled with giggles and grins as I turn in my spot, remembering the odd skeleton and his blue jacket. The way he grinned endlessly and meandered about casually. The way his eyes were like pinpricks of white against his empty sockets. Claiming I’d marry him is a bit much, but I certainly found him interesting.

I didnt expect to lock my gaze with those eyes.

Freezing on stage for a moment, I notice that the group of monsters from the diner are all seated several rows up. Happy smiles are painted on their faces as they enjoy the show. My gaze, however, is locked with the very subject of my joke. The small skeleton winks softly at me and a burning blush rises to my features. My watch beeps, letting me know my time's up for the night.

“Thank you all for your time, goodnight!” I call out as the audience applauds.

“Wow, (y/n), was that skeleton story true?” Sherry cracks open a can of soda and watches me silently as I pace. We’ve been here several minutes, and I cant help but feel rather foolish for telling that story. I should have known better.
“Yes it is, and I think he was in the audience…” I shiver, Sherry laughs and sips her soda.
“Well girly, looks like you’re screwed.” Sher replies
Dread hangs over my heart as I continue pacing.

“Miss (y/n)? There’s someone here who wants to talk to you?” a young man sticks his head in through the door. “He says its urgent?” the poor boy looks scared out of his wits, shivering and shuffling uncomfortably in his spot. Poor young kid, probably an intern of some sort.
“Well then, looks like our little pun master is gonna have to face it sooner or later.” Sherry grins, standing up and peeking out into the hallway. As she does so, a soft, deep voice asks in a shaky whisper “Is (y/n) there? I need to talk to her about some...urgent matters.”
“Yeah dude, she’s right here!”

Oh dear god no.
My heart stops in my chest as Sherry grins at me and gently takes the assistant’s arm. I turn away and cross my arms. Something in me apparently believes that if I pretend he’s not there, he wont be.

“Hey kiddo.” the deep voice hums, soft footfalls walking up behind me.

“I-I’m sorry about the joke! I shouldnt have said it and-”
“No the joke was very punny.” the skeleton chuckles, I turn around and decide to face him like a man. After all, anyone who is unironically saying “punny” probably isnt going to hurt me.
He was the same height as me, shockingly, apparently distance had fooled me into thinking he was a midget. Silence falls between us as I shuffle from foot to foot.

“I’m Sans, by the way.” the skeleton chuckles, softly reaching up and patting my head.
“(y/ n)” I reply.
“I knew that. Do you want to know what else I know?” Sans hums, grinning widely.
“What?”

“I need to ketchup to my own feelings. It would appear that I’ve been flattered from my head tomatoes. And I guess I could feel less bonely with another lazy person in my life. So how’s about it? Want to grab a burger sometime?” the strange skeleton chuckles.

I grin widely
“Lettuce date.”