Comments: 38
Imageshr [2014-11-09 13:31:33 +0000 UTC]
I have read this first chapter. I must confess that it is very well written and I liked it. As you did in the prologue, you start introducing the main conflict (by now) that Mari must face immediately. The balance between descriptions of current events, Mari's background and Forin environment is very good. There are moments for looking at Mari facing the eviction threat, another ones for reading descriptions about Forin, Mari's house or Jhed's inn and another ones for knowing Mari's past, in her inner dialogue, or in Jhed reflections. The most successful of this chapter is that you can transmit information and feelings. I can feel Mari's sadness when she recalls her childhood, and Jhed sadness when he recalls these days.
With respect to the change of point of view (the chapter starts with Mari's POV, then changes to Jhed's one and finishes with Mari's POV again), I find it very smooth and well introduced. This is very important because reader can get confused if you do it incorrectly. When I write, I tend to not introducing changes of POV, or making them very marked: letting more space, putting an asterisks line or, even, changing the chapter. For instance, I would introduce some tipe of mark (an extra blank line, for instance). exacly after: "And she turned and slowly disappeared up the main path through town from his sight." But it is only an option, you did it correctly. By the way, that sentence is great for a change of POV.
A remark about ways of addressing. I liked a lot Mari's trend to use a formal "Mr. Talsin" and that Jhed prefer to be treated in a less formal way. Only a few words that say a lot about the relationship between them. Al least in European Spanish, formal treatments are introduced in other way, but we know the English way due to translations. For instance, "master Jon" almost never existed in Spanish. Mr Talsin could be translated as "Señor Talsin" but it would be more used "Señor Jhed". For "master Jon" we would use "el señorito Jon" or "el joven señor Jon", but it is mainly for translating: even for young people we would use "señor". If the father and the son would named the same, then we could use "señorito/joven señor" for idenfying each one. But it is not very commonly used and "señorito" has a pejorative meaning (not "señorita", that is polite). In Spanish, the diferences are marked using "usted" (and third person of the verbs), referring people using the title ("Mr. president", etc)...
Well, Mari was brave taking the last hen into her house. Because the hen killer, probably, will attack the house instead the henhouse. I hope that Mari's shovel will be enough for defeat that being.
I will see in the next chapter. Regards.
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White-Feather In reply to Imageshr [2014-11-09 20:11:19 +0000 UTC]
This chapter was one of those that I have become more pleased with after some necessary revisions (as I put in my notes above, this *used* to be chapter 2, before I switched it around with the next chapter and made this "chapter one" instead so that the protagonist appeared first rather than the antagonist) as the story has expanded that include some of the more in-depth details and description that you mention in addition to the main character introduction and initial conflict of the chapter. Probably when the whole story is done and ready for second draft revision, I'll end up going in and smoothing out some details some more to make everything more consistent. But for now I do like how Mari's world and character has grown more nuanced and enriched. For me it's very important in order to enter a novel's world to be able to identify with the character as if one were actually in his or her situation and life, to see the world through their eyes as colored by their perception. And both a common problem most people can recognize, such as financial troubles combined with worries about family and dealing with loss, and emotional description in the character's inner monologue seem to be effective ways to ensure that.
The viewpoint change is one I settled on early on, even though these earlier chapters are a bit more erratic with them than the later ones- in the later chapters I've tried to shift to keeping only one or two point-of-view switches per chapter as the scene demands, and keeping the group of characters I go to the viewpoint of consistent rather than just any random person around. It's important to me since if I were to stick with only one perspective like Mari's, I would be limited to only seeing what she sees and describing what she knows, and a good chunk of the plot demands and takes place in places where she cannot be or would not be able to understand the underlying implications- for example, Mari has no political education, so despite being the "main heroine" she cannot grasp the big picture of what is going on in her country, that would be unrealistic. So having the point of view change from character to character allows me a bit more freedom to "go to where the action/important plot stuff" is, and provide alternative perspectives on the world and conflict to help paint a better picture of the story. That and I enjoy seeing what goes on in some of the other character's heads.
As for how the characters address each other, as English is my native language, I find it easier to take on the more archaic addressing forms in that language to fit the fantasy world. And how characters may address each other depending on their relationship does say a lot about the latter without needing too many words, as well as suggesting the level of propriety depending on the character's age and rank and gender. I know that it sometimes differs in other countries, and it is something I have tried to keep as a note, even though the situation as it has changed makes things sometimes a tad hard to keep track of.
Anyways, we'll find out whether Mari's attempts to guard her last hen are successful in chapter three, but I hope you enjoy where the next chapter goes when we get a rather different point of view on the whole...
Thanks for the comments!
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White-Feather In reply to Susa-the-insane [2007-05-22 23:01:25 +0000 UTC]
Good point. But then you can't have a completely deviant character either, no one can connect with them...
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-22 23:04:44 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, I'm not saying a completely unbelieveable character, but not an idealized, perfect and 'lovable and charming', because they just make me want to rip someone's head off.
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White-Feather In reply to Susa-the-insane [2007-05-22 23:08:12 +0000 UTC]
I know. Even bad guys have to have their good points, and heros have to have a dark and/or jerk side...
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-22 23:17:21 +0000 UTC]
Yup.
Only good good guy character I can think of at the moment who doesn't really have any particular faults -unless being one foot tall and green counts- is Yoda...
Yoda rocks!
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-23 14:59:16 +0000 UTC]
Obi Wan Kenobi is also quite a good goodie character...
And Darth Vader a good baddie, but only old school Vader, not new pretty boy Anakin... Bleh!
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-23 21:30:46 +0000 UTC]
I only watch the older movies...
But my brother took back the tapes...
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White-Feather In reply to Susa-the-insane [2007-05-24 13:50:35 +0000 UTC]
I think it had something to do with fantasy becoming much more appealing to me...I just grew out of it and science fiction in general
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-24 15:47:51 +0000 UTC]
I had it more the opposite way, to be honest. I've started liking science fiction more and more, but I still love fantasy, it's just that so many books are so full of dreary and dreadfully obvious clichés, ruining the moments, and it's often too predictable. Mind you, science fiction can be like that a lot too. Ideas people think are original, but which have been over done thousands upon thousands of times, ripping away anything new and exciting, turning it to dust, a mere memory of what was previously a good tale of fun and excitement and really wild things.
...Sorry if I ramble annoyingly. And I don't mean to be pessimistic (Though it fucking seems like it) or to insinuate that I don't like your stuff, 'cause I do, I love it. And you know what? Fuck it, I'm in the mood for writing. I just watched this sort of depressive but actually really amazing werewolf film, called 'Ginger snaps', and it's made my brain go weird. Plus I found a position where typing doesn't kill my fingers. Anyway, have you ever seen that film? You should, it's rather brilliant, though the were doesn't look all that convincing, very animatronic.
And also, congratuwell done to you if you've read all this and not gone 'what a fucking nutter' or gotten bored and just skipped to the last bleeding paragraph. I'm sorry to ramble at you. Mind you, I could just not press send, but what are web communities for if not being a complete nutter at people. Apologies again, and have a nice day...?
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-24 16:41:53 +0000 UTC]
I quite like older sci fi and fantasy, though, you know, the english gothic novels of the nineteenth century, Dracula, Frankenstein, Dracula, The Invisible man... Dracula... Dr Jekyll and Hyde, Phantom of the ipera -alright, french and 20th century, but whatever- , Dracula...
You do that^^
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White-Feather In reply to Susa-the-insane [2007-05-25 02:12:57 +0000 UTC]
Those are the good ones, you just can't keep a good gothic themed story down... It's the ones that go into outer space that I can't stand...Gothic novels like the ones you mentioned still draw on folklore, which is what good fantasy feeds on. Even Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (despite the mad scientist factor) is a retelling of the doppelganger myth....Frankenstein's monster is sort of like the golem of Jewish myth, and Dracula- well vampires have always been in local folklore and even the Bible...forgive my ranting, but I love stories I can find a myth or motif in /without/ all that spaceship and light saber stuff in the way....
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-25 12:03:00 +0000 UTC]
Doesn't have to be space ships in sci fi, though. You mentioned Frankenstein, that's the first known science fiction ever, unless of course you count Nostradamus, but then he was right, so it doesn't really count. And 'the invisible man', even if there is some techno babble, is really basically a horror, which is something inbetween sci fi and fantasy, I suppose.
And I like good fantasy dring on myth too, it's just the extreme cheesiness of the stories, and the fact that some people seem to think that if they stuff enough really freaky spaced out characters whose behaviour and actions make no sense in a story, some tragic and romantic love written with all the charming signs of cheap romances bought in kiosks and stick in some evil person with see through motifs.
I do however like all that space ship stuff and science babble ^^' I'm quite fond of science, however rubbish I may be at it. I do understand your point of view, though. I felt much the same until I began reading Douglas Adams's books
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White-Feather In reply to Susa-the-insane [2007-05-25 15:29:35 +0000 UTC]
I know Frankenstein is sci fi, but it's still got a mythical element in it is my point. And true, too many people are writing cookie-cutter fantasies and thus cheapening the genre.
I read Douglas Adams stuff too, but I wasn't too fond of it. I much prefer Pratchett...
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Susa-the-insane In reply to White-Feather [2007-05-25 15:34:36 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, you're right Many sci fis have, it's just more obvious there, I s'pose.
Ah... I love both, but mostly Douglas Adams, but that might be because I absolutely adore everything he's written, whilst while I absolutely adore a lot of what Pratchett has written there's some of it I don't like that much. Plus he's written so mind bogglingly much, whilst I own copies of all Adams's novels/collections of articles and interviews/dictionaries... I dunno, really. Pratchett is an amazing writer, DNA was...
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White-Feather In reply to Susa-the-insane [2007-05-25 16:34:31 +0000 UTC]
I guess I'm pretty picky when it comes to my choice of genres....
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