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So I thought it would interesting if I sat down and wrote about my life up until this point.

I was born on the 3rd of August 1995 at Kirkcaldy Hospital. I was a late baby, 2 weeks overdue. My full name is Ashley Yvonne Jacqueline Millar. It was Ashley Elizabeth Yvonne Millar until I found a copy of my birth certificate that said otherwise, after 16 years of being called the wrong name.

I have 6 siblings –

~Sarah – Half sister

~Dominique – Half sister

~Barry – Half brother

~Victoria – Half sister but she died at the age of 11.

Then I have my sister Stacey and half brother John, who I live with. Stacy has ADHD and severe learning problems and my brother has autism, to the extreme where he can't even look strangers in the face.

Since I can remember I've always looked after Stacey. She was held back a year in Nursery so she could start Primary school with me. In nursery I used to get told off all the time for helping her with worksheets and reading her books because she simply couldn't do it for herself. It ended up with Stacey being moved to another part of the nursery because she relied too much on me, which I didn't understand at the time. She was my big sister and I just wanted to help.

My brother moved in with us before I was born after his mum was abusive. My dad fought tooth and nail to get custody even though John's mum played dirty and made allegations to the police.

~

Primary school was the best part of my life up until now I would say. I lived in a small village and the school was tiny, only holding 13 pupils per class. When I was in Primary 3 (7 years old) I moved to Glenrothes, which is a bigger town, and was put into a class of 30. It was weird because some of the kids in my new class, I knew in nursery so I fitted right back in. My sister still found it hard there and I continued to get into trouble for helping her with her work.

When I was 12/13, the whole helping my sister through everything got to me. My mum and dad always said "When we go, you'll have to care for Stacey" and it was like woah!. All that responsibility just got to me and I started arguing with my parents, telling them it was unfair to put my life on hold for Stacey and also when it came to something Stacey did wrong, I would get blamed for it. She could do no wrong and it sucked. So when I had arguments, I got angry and that's when the self-harm happened. I didn't mean to do it. I would just there being so angry and upset that I'd scratch at my wrists until then bled and then when I'd have another argument I'd do it again and again.

Teacher's at school noticed and I'd use the age old lie "My dog did it" but after the 6th time they would chat to me about it, I could see the lie wasn't working and that made me feel guilty. Like why couldn't I just help my sister? Afterall, she didn't ask to be they way she is. So I accepted it.

~

Highschool sucked major balls. Although I had a poor attendance (my lowest was 51%), it still sucked when I did go in. I'd be constantly in the Guidance teacher's office; her trying to be a shrink.

"Are you being bullied?"

"Are you depressed?"

No. I just didn't like school. Simple as.

I did go in for my exams though. It was a miracle that I passed but even more so because I had gotten some of the highest marks in my whole class…..without ever being there for one week straight.

~

I left school and decided the best way to celebrate was to go to France for a whole month. It didn't go well/ I stayed one week before I begged and cried for my uncle to send my home. I got so home sick and the face that it was 31 degree weather sucked ass. I'm Scottish! I don't do hot weather in any form, it makes me ill.

So after that, I flew home. (2 airport changes and I was shitting myself because it was the first time I had flew anywhere but there was a nice English guy that held my hand when we took off).

Now, leaving France was the best decision I ever made in my life because if I had stayed for the whole month…..I would've only had one day with my dad before he died but because I left I had a whole month with him.

But then on the 23rd of October 2011 he collapsed while he was out fishing with my brother. The ambulance got him back after he arrested but they lost him again. When we heard, we were already to go to the hospital to see him when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and there stood two police officers and I just knew. I broke down and fell to the ground crying.

But because of the sort of person I am, 20 minutes later I pulled myself together and made everyone a cup of tea. I sat on my mum's lap and held her as she cried. My brother and sister fell to pieces and my mum couldn't do anything so I comforted them as well. I waited until I went to bed to cry and for those that don't know grief makes you physically ill. I rotated in between crying and throwing up.

After that, it took a good few months to feel comfortable in my home again. It was so quiet. Nobody sat in his chair because it still smelled like him and no one dared touch his fishing stuff from that night.

One thing you need to know about my mum; she's my bestfriend. I respect her so much for holding this family together when it looked like it would split at the seams. Many times, I'd walk into her room and she'd be crying but one night I walked in and she said "I can't raise you kids without him" but she can and she is. I may say I hate her at some times but I love her unconditionally. She really is one in a million.

Annnnndddd that brings us to now, which isn't a happy time for me but It'll get better. It always does.

Description
So I thought it would interesting if I sat down and wrote about my life up until this point.

I was born on the 3rd of August 1995 at Kirkcaldy Hospital. I was a late baby, 2 weeks overdue. My full name is Ashley Yvonne Jacqueline Millar. It was Ashley Elizabeth Yvonne Millar until I found a copy of my birth certificate that said otherwise, after 16 years of being called the wrong name.

I have 6 siblings –

~Sarah – Half sister

~Dominique – Half sister

~Barry – Half brother

~Victoria – Half sister but she died at the age of 11.

Then I have my sister Stacey and half brother John, who I live with. Stacy has ADHD and severe learning problems and my brother has autism, to the extreme where he can't even look strangers in the face.

Since I can remember I've always looked after Stacey. She was held back a year in Nursery so she could start Primary school with me. In nursery I used to get told off all the time for helping her with worksheets and reading her books because she simply couldn't do it for herself. It ended up with Stacey being moved to another part of the nursery because she relied too much on me, which I didn't understand at the time. She was my big sister and I just wanted to help.

My brother moved in with us before I was born after his mum was abusive. My dad fought tooth and nail to get custody even though John's mum played dirty and made allegations to the police.

~

Primary school was the best part of my life up until now I would say. I lived in a small village and the school was tiny, only holding 13 pupils per class. When I was in Primary 3 (7 years old) I moved to Glenrothes, which is a bigger town, and was put into a class of 30. It was weird because some of the kids in my new class, I knew in nursery so I fitted right back in. My sister still found it hard there and I continued to get into trouble for helping her with her work.

When I was 12/13, the whole helping my sister through everything got to me. My mum and dad always said "When we go, you'll have to care for Stacey" and it was like woah!. All that responsibility just got to me and I started arguing with my parents, telling them it was unfair to put my life on hold for Stacey and also when it came to something Stacey did wrong, I would get blamed for it. She could do no wrong and it sucked. So when I had arguments, I got angry and that's when the self-harm happened. I didn't mean to do it. I would just there being so angry and upset that I'd scratch at my wrists until then bled and then when I'd have another argument I'd do it again and again.

Teacher's at school noticed and I'd use the age old lie "My dog did it" but after the 6th time they would chat to me about it, I could see the lie wasn't working and that made me feel guilty. Like why couldn't I just help my sister? Afterall, she didn't ask to be they way she is. So I accepted it.

~

Highschool sucked major balls. Although I had a poor attendance (my lowest was 51%), it still sucked when I did go in. I'd be constantly in the Guidance teacher's office; her trying to be a shrink.

"Are you being bullied?"

"Are you depressed?"

No. I just didn't like school. Simple as.

I did go in for my exams though. It was a miracle that I passed but even more so because I had gotten some of the highest marks in my whole class…..without ever being there for one week straight.

~

I left school and decided the best way to celebrate was to go to France for a whole month. It didn't go well/ I stayed one week before I begged and cried for my uncle to send my home. I got so home sick and the face that it was 31 degree weather sucked ass. I'm Scottish! I don't do hot weather in any form, it makes me ill.

So after that, I flew home. (2 airport changes and I was shitting myself because it was the first time I had flew anywhere but there was a nice English guy that held my hand when we took off).

Now, leaving France was the best decision I ever made in my life because if I had stayed for the whole month…..I would've only had one day with my dad before he died but because I left I had a whole month with him.

But then on the 23rd of October 2011 he collapsed while he was out fishing with my brother. The ambulance got him back after he arrested but they lost him again. When we heard, we were already to go to the hospital to see him when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and there stood two police officers and I just knew. I broke down and fell to the ground crying.

But because of the sort of person I am, 20 minutes later I pulled myself together and made everyone a cup of tea. I sat on my mum's lap and held her as she cried. My brother and sister fell to pieces and my mum couldn't do anything so I comforted them as well. I waited until I went to bed to cry and for those that don't know grief makes you physically ill. I rotated in between crying and throwing up.

After that, it took a good few months to feel comfortable in my home again. It was so quiet. Nobody sat in his chair because it still smelled like him and no one dared touch his fishing stuff from that night.

One thing you need to know about my mum; she's my bestfriend. I respect her so much for holding this family together when it looked like it would split at the seams. Many times, I'd walk into her room and she'd be crying but one night I walked in and she said "I can't raise you kids without him" but she can and she is. I may say I hate her at some times but I love her unconditionally. She really is one in a million.

Annnnndddd that brings us to now, which isn't a happy time for me but It'll get better. It always does.