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This month has been such a test, worked everyday from May 1st to the 11th. I got a late birthday gift from my boyfriend, the 3 heart necklace in picture. His name and birthstone to one heart, mine and my wife's in the other 2. His commitment to me, to us, to the move from the US to Canada to be with him, to making this work with the 3 of us. And in my experience, I've only ever received such meaningful gifts near the end of the relationship, so trying to not let that taint it has been hard, but it happening on May 5th meant I wasn't able to really enjoy it I have been in such a bad mental state thanks to my current job...it's made my day to day life feel empty and meaningless...even though it's truly the furthest from... It's gotten to a point he's now been acting so distant and strange, but it could be my borderline(BPD) shit twisting things so I can't see the situation for what it really is, my perception of everything could potentially be warped, or I'm picking up on something deeper....I can't tell and it terrifies me. I hate my mind and what it does to me, that I can't enjoy things for what they are. I'm always in a state of anxiety or fear or...idk pick a negative emotion I guarantee it's in the rotation. I love him, I just hate my current day to day life. I can't be with him, and he can't/won't come to me...I don't even know what's going on with that anymore...part of the depression that's been so intense this whole month...everytime I think he may come to visit, something cancels the plan...the thing that actually has him wanting to visit? A wrestling event in November....I thought he was gonna try this summer....but I guess not. Is any of this even real? Am I just an invisible girlfriend that doesn't really exist? I truly doubt it, but the evil in my head is so convincing I can't help but to entertain the idea...I just want to be normal, I don't want to jump through mental hoops everyday, causing migraines that even prescription pain meds can't help...

If you've made it this far, wow how did you manage to get through my incoherent babbling? I apologise I just started typing, no filter and this happened. This place has always been my journal, my therapy, my outlet. Thank you for the ones that have been here through so much of my life. The point of this pic, was that I am having a very very hard mental day, and I decided to wear the $600 birthday present that I'm truly terrified to wear, because I'm desperate to ground myself and to make this feel real again. To bring him closer because, in my mind there is such a crevasse between us I'm just desperate to feel closer.. I wish I was there, I just hate that so much has come in between. I just keep wishing I'll see you someday....trying to not have my head convince that it'll never happen. I just want to feel happy

Description
This month has been such a test, worked everyday from May 1st to the 11th. I got a late birthday gift from my boyfriend, the 3 heart necklace in picture. His name and birthstone to one heart, mine and my wife's in the other 2. His commitment to me, to us, to the move from the US to Canada to be with him, to making this work with the 3 of us. And in my experience, I've only ever received such meaningful gifts near the end of the relationship, so trying to not let that taint it has been hard, but it happening on May 5th meant I wasn't able to really enjoy it I have been in such a bad mental state thanks to my current job...it's made my day to day life feel empty and meaningless...even though it's truly the furthest from... It's gotten to a point he's now been acting so distant and strange, but it could be my borderline(BPD) shit twisting things so I can't see the situation for what it really is, my perception of everything could potentially be warped, or I'm picking up on something deeper....I can't tell and it terrifies me. I hate my mind and what it does to me, that I can't enjoy things for what they are. I'm always in a state of anxiety or fear or...idk pick a negative emotion I guarantee it's in the rotation. I love him, I just hate my current day to day life. I can't be with him, and he can't/won't come to me...I don't even know what's going on with that anymore...part of the depression that's been so intense this whole month...everytime I think he may come to visit, something cancels the plan...the thing that actually has him wanting to visit? A wrestling event in November....I thought he was gonna try this summer....but I guess not. Is any of this even real? Am I just an invisible girlfriend that doesn't really exist? I truly doubt it, but the evil in my head is so convincing I can't help but to entertain the idea...I just want to be normal, I don't want to jump through mental hoops everyday, causing migraines that even prescription pain meds can't help...

If you've made it this far, wow how did you manage to get through my incoherent babbling? I apologise I just started typing, no filter and this happened. This place has always been my journal, my therapy, my outlet. Thank you for the ones that have been here through so much of my life. The point of this pic, was that I am having a very very hard mental day, and I decided to wear the $600 birthday present that I'm truly terrified to wear, because I'm desperate to ground myself and to make this feel real again. To bring him closer because, in my mind there is such a crevasse between us I'm just desperate to feel closer.. I wish I was there, I just hate that so much has come in between. I just keep wishing I'll see you someday....trying to not have my head convince that it'll never happen. I just want to feel happy