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Description

1. I guess this is goodbye,
but it'd be a lie if I said I want to go.

I know how this story ends.
I've written the chapter in 'holding on too tight'
and
'refusing to let go'.

But this time I will take an ax to my emotional ties to you
and tear them down so far down,
destroy the roots to such a degree,
that it will be a miracle
if they grow back again.

2. I wanted to be the puff of toxin you exhaled from your lungs,
the lipstick stubbornly clinging to your skin.

I wanted to become such an integral part of you that, in my absence,
you wouldn't be able to remember what it felt like to be whole.

In the end I was nothing more than a discarded cigarette.
A used needle.

You injected, inhaled, me into your lungs into your blood into your very fucking soul
and still, still
your body found a way
to discard
me.

3. Death is inevitable.
Life is optional.

I could take a blade to my throat should I so desire,
slit my throat,
end it all.

It take more courage and determination to live
than it does to die.

Death will come for us all.
It might be peaceful, painful, terror-filled.

I am not, nor will I ever be afraid of, the inevitable.

Life, however, life terrifies the living hell out of me
becomes sometimes ... sometimes life makes me wish
i
was
dead.

6. It is days like these that I feel like I am made more from exhaustion and determination
more than blood and bones and fragmented dreams.

I am strong, not for the sake of being strong anymore but merely because
it is all I know.

7. Sometimes people leave,
and that is ok.

8. You left your name written across my heart,
carved it in so deeply that it is years later
and the wounds are still
raw.

9. Life is fragile,
a single candle held by a quivering hand.

When the flame goes out,
when my heart beat slows,
my breathing shallows -

I want you to know that you are who I loved,
who I wanted

And that in the end,
at the end,
I will always come back to
you.

10. Dearly beloved,
keeper of my heart,
the person who I refer to as home,

your chilled venom,
perfected art of uncaring,
the way with which you cut ties
so
easily,

are parts of you
i wish i could say i hated.

13.
I said it didn't mean anything but,
we both know I lied

but this too shall pass and you, love,
you deserve far better than this worn out wolf
who has forgotten how to
howl.

14.
I am trying to not miss you
But that is like attempting not to breathe
I can do it,
But at what cost?

15.
My name, whispered,
Moaned,
Between your stuttered breaths

The feel of your skin,
Soft and pliant
Contrasted so beautifully
Against the roughness of your nails,

Pain to be found in the pleasure
When you clutched at me in
Defiance, need,
maybe even want.

The implied trust when I stripped you bare before me,
The love I hoped was evident when I showered your body with kisses,
And even more so when I marked you as
mine.

It was the rightness of my teeth against your skin,
The beauty in your whispered pleas
That stirred that possessive part of me awake.
It was the need to lay claim to something I knew, despite your lust-laced
I'm yours
Was not, nor would it ever be.

You were never mine.
Not when my fingers closed around your throat,
Nor when my teeth marked the pure skin of your shoulder.

Not when I laid myself bare before you,
Allowed myself to be held by you.

The wolf can never truly possess the moon,
Icarus could never find peace in the sun,

I think it is about time I sat aside my wings and left the howling to those who are more worthy of your
Love.

20.
Sometimes all I truly want,
all I truly desire from the world and for my life
is you.

Sometimes I want the memories of what we were
are,
to be physical things so I can cuddle them when I get upset,
drape them around myself like a physical manifestation of what we are to each other.

Sometimes I wish I knew who you were or how we met in a past life because
it doesn't make sense for my soul to hurt this much
for love to both be the best and worst thing to have happened to me
for me to be so goddamn afraid of being left behind.

Sometimes ... I wonder if ... maybe you left
and that's why it still hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if .... your soul misses mine,
too.

21.
I know what I said.

But memories of you are flickering behind these tired irises
and my heart is longing for something I wish so desperately I could give it.

Peace. From you. From the feelings you evoke.

I know what I said.

I am supposed to be over you.
I am supposed to have banished these feelings and emotions into the darkest pits of my soul.
I was supposed to drown them in the ocean,
sear off their wings in the sun.

Kill them before they had a chance to fly again,
Kill them before they had a chance to make me fall in love with you, again.

Damn.

I think I missed one.

22.
I woke up this morning to your phantom
caressing my cheek, pressing love into my temples
and I pretended that I didn't know this was just a dream.

I woke up this morning with an ache in my chest
and perhaps the absence of my heart should have surprised me.
(It didn't)
It does, after all, belong to you
Anyway.

I woke up this morning and the sky was the same color as your eyes,
I think my sister was a bit concerned when she found me outside
staring at something that is every bit
as unattainable to me.

I woke up this morning.

I woke up.

23.
I suppose I should treasure these moments,
when you are mine and mine alone
instead I'm left with a bitter mingling of
hate and jealousy because I know that
even when you are 'mine'
even when I have you to myself,
you will be thinking of her.

And that ... that will be ok.

24. I suppose I shouldn't try and find solace in alcohol,
But even the strong fall
And I haven't been strong in a
While.

Take my heart, Death,
Take my blood and my lungs,
Just please don't take her away from me.

She is not related to me by blood but she is family.
I picked her.
Please don't take her away,
Take me instead.

I would die for her, I would die for everyone in my family and you,
You know who you are,
I would die a million times over for you.

Please just .... God please let them stay.

28.
I must remember that everyone I meet is living their own version of
hell and
just because mine is hotter today does not make theirs
any less
valid.

Description

1. I guess this is goodbye,
but it'd be a lie if I said I want to go.

I know how this story ends.
I've written the chapter in 'holding on too tight'
and
'refusing to let go'.

But this time I will take an ax to my emotional ties to you
and tear them down so far down,
destroy the roots to such a degree,
that it will be a miracle
if they grow back again.

2. I wanted to be the puff of toxin you exhaled from your lungs,
the lipstick stubbornly clinging to your skin.

I wanted to become such an integral part of you that, in my absence,
you wouldn't be able to remember what it felt like to be whole.

In the end I was nothing more than a discarded cigarette.
A used needle.

You injected, inhaled, me into your lungs into your blood into your very fucking soul
and still, still
your body found a way
to discard
me.

3. Death is inevitable.
Life is optional.

I could take a blade to my throat should I so desire,
slit my throat,
end it all.

It take more courage and determination to live
than it does to die.

Death will come for us all.
It might be peaceful, painful, terror-filled.

I am not, nor will I ever be afraid of, the inevitable.

Life, however, life terrifies the living hell out of me
becomes sometimes ... sometimes life makes me wish
i
was
dead.

6. It is days like these that I feel like I am made more from exhaustion and determination
more than blood and bones and fragmented dreams.

I am strong, not for the sake of being strong anymore but merely because
it is all I know.

7. Sometimes people leave,
and that is ok.

8. You left your name written across my heart,
carved it in so deeply that it is years later
and the wounds are still
raw.

9. Life is fragile,
a single candle held by a quivering hand.

When the flame goes out,
when my heart beat slows,
my breathing shallows -

I want you to know that you are who I loved,
who I wanted

And that in the end,
at the end,
I will always come back to
you.

10. Dearly beloved,
keeper of my heart,
the person who I refer to as home,

your chilled venom,
perfected art of uncaring,
the way with which you cut ties
so
easily,

are parts of you
i wish i could say i hated.

13.
I said it didn't mean anything but,
we both know I lied

but this too shall pass and you, love,
you deserve far better than this worn out wolf
who has forgotten how to
howl.

14.
I am trying to not miss you
But that is like attempting not to breathe
I can do it,
But at what cost?

15.
My name, whispered,
Moaned,
Between your stuttered breaths

The feel of your skin,
Soft and pliant
Contrasted so beautifully
Against the roughness of your nails,

Pain to be found in the pleasure
When you clutched at me in
Defiance, need,
maybe even want.

The implied trust when I stripped you bare before me,
The love I hoped was evident when I showered your body with kisses,
And even more so when I marked you as
mine.

It was the rightness of my teeth against your skin,
The beauty in your whispered pleas
That stirred that possessive part of me awake.
It was the need to lay claim to something I knew, despite your lust-laced
I'm yours
Was not, nor would it ever be.

You were never mine.
Not when my fingers closed around your throat,
Nor when my teeth marked the pure skin of your shoulder.

Not when I laid myself bare before you,
Allowed myself to be held by you.

The wolf can never truly possess the moon,
Icarus could never find peace in the sun,

I think it is about time I sat aside my wings and left the howling to those who are more worthy of your
Love.

20.
Sometimes all I truly want,
all I truly desire from the world and for my life
is you.

Sometimes I want the memories of what we were
are,
to be physical things so I can cuddle them when I get upset,
drape them around myself like a physical manifestation of what we are to each other.

Sometimes I wish I knew who you were or how we met in a past life because
it doesn't make sense for my soul to hurt this much
for love to both be the best and worst thing to have happened to me
for me to be so goddamn afraid of being left behind.

Sometimes ... I wonder if ... maybe you left
and that's why it still hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if .... your soul misses mine,
too.

21.
I know what I said.

But memories of you are flickering behind these tired irises
and my heart is longing for something I wish so desperately I could give it.

Peace. From you. From the feelings you evoke.

I know what I said.

I am supposed to be over you.
I am supposed to have banished these feelings and emotions into the darkest pits of my soul.
I was supposed to drown them in the ocean,
sear off their wings in the sun.

Kill them before they had a chance to fly again,
Kill them before they had a chance to make me fall in love with you, again.

Damn.

I think I missed one.

22.
I woke up this morning to your phantom
caressing my cheek, pressing love into my temples
and I pretended that I didn't know this was just a dream.

I woke up this morning with an ache in my chest
and perhaps the absence of my heart should have surprised me.
(It didn't)
It does, after all, belong to you
Anyway.

I woke up this morning and the sky was the same color as your eyes,
I think my sister was a bit concerned when she found me outside
staring at something that is every bit
as unattainable to me.

I woke up this morning.

I woke up.

23.
I suppose I should treasure these moments,
when you are mine and mine alone
instead I'm left with a bitter mingling of
hate and jealousy because I know that
even when you are 'mine'
even when I have you to myself,
you will be thinking of her.

And that ... that will be ok.

24. I suppose I shouldn't try and find solace in alcohol,
But even the strong fall
And I haven't been strong in a
While.

Take my heart, Death,
Take my blood and my lungs,
Just please don't take her away from me.

She is not related to me by blood but she is family.
I picked her.
Please don't take her away,
Take me instead.

I would die for her, I would die for everyone in my family and you,
You know who you are,
I would die a million times over for you.

Please just .... God please let them stay.

28.
I must remember that everyone I meet is living their own version of
hell and
just because mine is hotter today does not make theirs
any less
valid.