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ApertureIconplz
[12828898]
[2010-01-27 05:11:54 +0000 UTC]
"A Trusted Friend in Science."
(Unknown)
# Statistics
Favourites: 6; Deviations: 0; Watchers: 43
Watching: 0; Pageviews: 9038; Comments Made: 21; Friends: 0
# Interests
Favorite bands / musical artists: Jonathan CoultonFavorite games: Portal
Favorite gaming platform: PC
Tools of the Trade: Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device
Other Interests: Shower curtains
# About me
1953 - Aperture Science begins operations as a manufacturer of shower curtains. Early product line provides a very low-tech portal between inside and outside your shower.1956 - Eisenhower administration awards Aperture a contract to provide shower curtains to all branches of the military except the Navy.
1957 - 1975 - Mostly shower curtains.
1978 - Aperture Founder and CEO, Cave Johnson, is exposed to mercury while secretly developing a dangerous mercury-injected rubber sheeting from which he plans to manufacture seven deadly shower curtains to be given as gifts to each member of the House Naval Appropriations committee.
1979 - Both of Cave Johnson's kidneys fail. Brian damaged, dying, and incapable of being convinced that time is not now flowing backwards, Johnson lays out a three tiered R&D program. The results, he says, will 'garuntee the continued success of Aperture Science far into the fast-approaching distant past.'
Tier 1: The Heimlich Counter-Maneuver - A reliable technique for interrupting the life-saving Heimlich Maneuver.
Tier 2: The Take-A-Wish Foundation - A charitable organization that will purchase wishes from the partents of terminally ill children and redistribute them to wish-deprived but otherwise health adults.
Tier 3: 'Some kind of rip in the fabric of space... That would... Well, it'd be like, I don't know, something that would help with the shower curtains I guess. I haven't worked this idea out as much as the wish-taking one.'
1981 - Diligent Aperture engineers complete the Heimlich Counter-Maneuver and Take-A-Wish Foundation initiative. The company announces products related to the research in a lavish, televised ceremony. These products become immediately, wildly unpopular. After a string of very public choking and despondednt sick child disasters, senior company officials are summoned before a Senate investigative committe. During these proceedings, an engineer mentions that some progress has been made of Tier 3, the 'man-sized ad hoc quantum tunnel through physicical space with possible applications as a shower curtain.' The committe is quickly permanently recessed, as Aperture is granted an open-ended contract to secretly continue research on the 'Portal' and Heimlich Counter-Maneuver projects.
1981-1985 - Work progresses on the 'Portal' project. Several high ranking Fatah personnel choke to death on lamb chunks despite the intervention of their bodyguards.
1986 - Word reaches Aperture menagement that another defense contractor called 'Black Mesa' is working on a similar portal technology. In response to this news, Aperture begins developing the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System (GLaDOS), an artificially intelligent research assistant and disk operating system.
1996 - After a decade spent bringing the disk operating parts of GLaDOS to a state of more or less basic functionality, working begins on the Genertic Lifeform component.
Several Years Later (Official Date Classified) - The untested AI is activated for the first time as one of the planned activities on Aperture's first annual bring-your-daughter-to-work day.
Operating System: Generic Lifeform and Disk-Operating System
Personal Quote: Grow old, or Die Trying
# Comments
Comments: 103
THE CAKE WASN'T REALLY A LIE. YOU JUST MISSED IT.
.. .
--
My sig of choice would be too controversial.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Cave, just how dangerous are these tests? what was in that phone book of a contract i signed?
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It breaks my heart, everything goes wrong on Chell's first "Bring you daughter to work day." AND THEN SHE GETS TRAPPED THERE e_e
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
: iconcubeiconplz: Without the space.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You forgot icon first ^^
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
Note: remove the spaces and the plus sign
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
the cake is a pie
therefor its a lie
but its really a spy.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Aperture Science.
We do what we must, because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the science gets done,
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart and killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you! 
And we're out of beta, we're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned.
For the people who are still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa...
THAT WAS A JOKE! HAHA! FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking when there's science to do.
When I look out there it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing science and I'm still alive.
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE
Still alive.
👍: 0 ⏩: 6
well here we are again
its always such a pleasure
remember when you tried to kill me twice
oh how we laughed and laughed
except i wasn't laughing
under the circumstanses ive been shockingly nice
You want your freedom? take it.
thats what im counting on
i used to want you dead but now i only want you gone
she was alot like you (maybe not quite as heavy)
now little caraline is in me to
one day they woke me up
so i could live forever
its such a shame the same will never happen to you
you've got your short sad life left thats what im counting on
i let you get right too it
now i only want you gone
goodbye my only friend,
oh did you think i meant you?
that would be funny if it werent so sad
well you have been replaced
i dont need anyone now
when i delete you maybe ill stop feeling so bad...
go make some new disaster!
thats what im counting on
your someone elses problem
now i only want you gone
now i only want you gone
now i only want you gone
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I tried to donate myself to you for testing, but I was denied.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
aperturescience.com ftw
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I was just...
The only thing you've managed to break so far, is my heart.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I was...
I was just trying to help...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
TAG YOUR IT!
This is so scary.
Send this to 15 people in 143 minutes.
When your done press F6 and your crusher's name will appear on the screen in big letters.
This is scary cause it actually works.
If u break the chain u will have problems with relationships for the next five years.
👍: 0 ⏩: 4
relationships are for pussies
👍: 0 ⏩: 2
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