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| NaruArri
NaruArri
βοΈ
[1103102]
[2004-09-15 17:54:23 +0000 UTC]
"A very random cheese nugget"
(United States)
# Statistics
Favourites: 113; Deviations: 107; Watchers: 43
Watching: 90; Pageviews: 19907; Comments Made: 1347; Friends: 90
# Interests
Favorite movies: The PunisherFavorite writers: Duckboy
Tools of the Trade: my noodle.
# About me
Current Residence: The place I reside. xDFavourite genre of music: Country
Favourite style of art: Traditional
Favourite cartoon character: Starfire (Teen Titans)
Personal Quote: "The world is a sea of troubles, and we all must swim at our own pace."
# Comments
Comments: 102
Random Deviant Hello! 
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why thanks you for the watch dear.
DO MORE NEW ART.
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hi carissa, it's me kristen! 
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Hello hello
I was bad and didn't say hi back
I am sorry.
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Hi Carissa! Thanks for adding me to your friends!
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It was beautiful. So no thanks is nessacary other then mine saying thank you for posting a poem that did not suck.
The Brian Jones
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Hah! you've been TAGGED! See jounral for details. :3 [link]
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1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask, because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two.
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Hello.
My first comment
**Insert random comment here**
**runs away**
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YOU MUST READ THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, UP~!
Have fun.
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All my public speaking engagements will be handled by a hologram. If I ever go out in public myself, I will always be in disguise.
I will not resort to android duplicates to safeguard myself from capture by my enemies because:
What I can construct others can emulate. If my minions are familiar with the use of androids they may make the mistake of letting the wrong one past their guard.
My enemies can capture and reprogram one for the same effect.
Any android can at any time decide that humans are inferior and commence extermination. Handing a killer android an already-assembled international conspiracy is considered "bad form".
Likewise, I will not use cloned duplicates to safeguard myself from capture by my enemies because they have desires and needs like other people and may sell me out, or worse attempt to murder and replace me.
Regardless of the extra revenue and good PR they might generate, I will not allow public tours of my fortress or any other important facility I own.
Efforts spent breaking a heroine's spirit allow time for things such as heroic rescues or are uncertain enough to allow last minute betrayals. Rather, I'll have my staff take several high-quality photographs of her, hire a good plastic surgeon and the ugliest girl in my kingdom, make one to look just like her, but not until after I've pumped two rounds of .45 hardball into the heroine's head, then fed her to my pet crocodiles.
Anyone making any kind of deliveries to my fortress will be required to show proper identification and submit their conveyance to an inspection before they can pass through the gate. Same applies when they leave.
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My force field generators will be located inside the force field they generate.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will launch them all at once rather than singly, thereby saving myself the aggravation of watching them fail in succession.
My pet monster's cage will be cleaned regularly and kept free of rocks, sticks, bones, or any other debris condemned prisoners might use as weapons to slay it when I drop them through the secret trap door.
If my evil sorceress consort fails to destroy the hero for a third consecutive time with her so-called magic, I will reassign her to running the 1-800-PSYCHIC hotline, I will also try to keep a straight face when ever she threatens to turn me into a toad.
If for some reason I enslave an entire race of people, I will not put them to work at tasks modern machinery can do more efficiently.
No part of my fortress will feature giant, free-standing stone statues or obelisks. While the sight of them would indeed be awe inspiring, it would be far too easy for a hero with superhuman strength or a well placed explosive charge to knock one over on top of me and/or my soldiers. Optionally, if I must have giant statues made out of myself, they will be made of Styrofoam and helium. This way, when the explosive charge does go off, there will be a short, morale boosting moment as I get to do the Evil Overlord Chipmunk command to slay my enemies.
The interior decor of my fortress will not feature pointy objects I could be impaled upon if I'm knocked off balance and stumble backwards during a fight.
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If I have massive computer systems, I will take as least as many precautions as a small business and include such things as virus-scans, firewalls, and other common security measures.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual or process that grants immortality.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A is tricking the hero into helping me and Part B is publicly laughing at his gullibility and then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish feasts in the middle of a famine. The good PR garnered from the guests does not make up for the bad PR garnered from the masses.
If my mad scientist tells me that my super weapon is almost finished, but requires more testing, I will wait for him to complete the testing. No one ever conquered the world by using a beta-version.
I will remember that knowledge of any vulnerabilities I have is to be released only on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one has a need to know.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any "repairmen" who show up at the door will be escorted to the dungeon.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot. He will not be kept prisoner inside the very dungeon he designed.
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If I have children and then grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will first ask him to explain why it is that her beloved Grandpa has to die. When the hero launches into a long-winded, way-over-her-head dissertation on morality, that will be her cue to pull the lever that sends the hero into the pit of crocodiles. (Children love crocodiles almost as much as they love their grandparents, and itβs always important to spend quality time with children.)
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, proclaim a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and name the hero my heir. This should be enough to break up their relationship. If not, at least I can be assured that the hero won't attack me while I am holding a parade in his honor.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the last category is only done posthumously.
I will fund research to develop tactical and strategic weapons of all types and covering a full range of needs so my options aren't limited to "hand-to-hand combat with swords" or "blow up the planet".
When it is prophesized that "no man will defeat me", I will keep in mind the growing presence and influence of non-traditional gender roles in the world today.
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position will be reserved for my Trusted Lieutenant.
My Legions of Terror will be trained so that if they burst into rebel headquarters and find it empty except for a strange, blinking device, they will not approach it to investigate. Rather they will run like hell.
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If a messenger interrupts me during a meeting, a bath, or a romantic encounter, I will assume he has a real and important reason for doing so. He will only be executed if he interrupted me for no reason.
Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of goodness is expunged.
I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I am evil, not stupid.
If I decide to hold the double execution of the hero and an underling who betrayed me, the hero will be scheduled to go first.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all of their time bickering and criticizing each other except for intermittent moments of sexual tension, I will order their immediate arrest and execution.
No matter how much I desire vengeance, I will never issue the order, "Leave him! He's mine!"
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I will design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.
If I come into possession of an artifact that can be used only by the pure-of-heart, I will not, repeat will not attempt to use it nonetheless.
If I find that my beautiful consort has been secretly associating with the hero, I will have her executed. This is regrettable, but maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
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My headquarters will have a heavily guarded room located at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft behind a door marked "command center". This room will have a sophisticated computer the size of a city bus. This computer will contain a carefully encrypted but totally false version of my Master Plan, have no external links, and no real purpose. My actual "command center" will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked "standpipe valves", accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of the main reactor. If this proves unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have closeable, reinforced blast doors at every other level, and there will be alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.
I will never enter into an alliance with a being or group I cannot easily betray. And I will always assume that my new "allies" are holding to the same principle.
When the time comes to unite the world's diverse underworld elements into one massive criminal organization, the meeting with my underbosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and the intimidation of the rest. Rather, it will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest.
If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities to achieve absolute power, as these inevitably backfire. However, if my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for mere world domination.
Another of my closest advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If any part of my Master Plan begins to resemble any of his work, it will be disregarded.
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While deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will certainly have their place in my Legions of Terror, I will not send them out on missions that require tact or subtlety.
I will never design and build a sentient computer that is smarter than I am.
If I suffer from a fit of temporary insanity and offer the hero a job as my Trusted Lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to make the offer while my Trusted Lieutenant is more than 100 miles away. There is nothing more dangerous than a Trusted Lieutenant who is righteously pissed off at you is.
I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horribly complicated (for example, "align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar and activate the medallion during a total eclipse"). Instead, I will use plans that have a final step along the lines of "push the button".
I will never attend an auction of an "ultimate weapon". If the weapon were really that good, the auctioneer would already be Evil Overlord.
Any ultimate weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and the components of which were scattered to the far parts of the world could not have been that great in the first place, or no one would have disassembled it.
Instead of going to all the trouble of stealing a 200 megaton nuclear device and ransoming a city to get the billions of dollars needed to enact my Master Plan, Iβll simply start an evangelical Tele-ministry. That way, I not only will get the money, Iβll get a fanatical cult of followers that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing.
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I will force the fair maiden to marry me in a quiet civil ceremony rather than a lavish spectacle put together with three weeks warning... And the final phase of my Master Plan will not be carried out during my wedding. If she says "Iβll die before I marry you!" I'll shoot her. There are, after all, hordes of beautiful young women out there just waiting to marry someone as rich and powerful as I am.
My doomsday device will not employ a large red digital countdown device unless it is absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.
My doomsday devices will always be designed and built in pairs. And both of them will be activated simultaneously. For that matter, any important device will be designed and built in pairs.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear, space-age-plastic faceplates that allow the troopers to see clearly, and allow others to identify the trooper by sight with ease.
My Legions of Terror will have uniforms designed by a talented fashion designer, and will not be a cheap knockoff of the Nazi SS uniform, the roman foot-soldier uniform, or the clothing of the savage Mongol horde. All such groups were eventually defeated, and I want my troopers to have a more positive outlook about themselves.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.
My undercover agents will not be required to wear jackboots, or to adhere to any other form of a dress code. Neither will they have tattoos which identify their allegiance to me.
My Legions of Terror will be trained to dogpile hand-to-hand opponents, rather than attacking them in ones and twos while the rest stand around waiting their turn.
If I learn about the whereabouts of the one object capable of destroying me, I will not send my Legions of Terror out to seize it. Rather, I will send my Legions of Terror out to seize something else, and then quietly and anonymously place a want ad in the local paper.
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When the rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one fight, and asks "Or are you afraid to face me without your goons to back you up?" My reply will be "No, Iβm not afraid... Just sensible." And then I will shoot him.
My enemies are not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or a last anything. They are entitled to get shot.
If my enemies are important to my scheme and thus cannot be shot immediately, I will not keep them together in the same cellblock, much less the same cell. The only keys to their cells will be kept on my person at all times; copies of them will not be handed out to every guard in my headquarters. And they will be shot as soon as it is feasible to do so.
When I capture the fair maiden, I will not kill her. This is not a matter of morality -- if I gave a fig about that, I wouldn't run around kidnapping women in the first place. However, if I do kill the fair maiden, I have the problem of disposing of the body and I no longer have the leverage provided by the threat of killing her. If the fair maiden presents a problem in terms of being a witness, I will solve that problem by blindfolding her or making her wear a hood. Simply because I am evil does not mean I am wasteful, and it's wasteful to kill perfectly good fair maidens. After all, I might have some use for her at some point.
When I have the fair maiden nicely tied up and am ready for a good gloat, I will not lean down and stare into her space from a distance of inches. She will just spit on me. If I absolutely have to do some close, face-to-face gloating, I'll make sure she's gagged first.
When given a choice as to which fair maiden of two or more to capture, I will always choose the more attractive ones. This would seem to be obvious, but it's surprising how often minions miss this point.
The Fair Maiden will never be left unsecured in rooms full of bolt cutters, gasoline cans, knives, scissors, lock picks, band saws, electric drills, submachine guns, hand grenades, flame throwers and the like under the assumption that simply because she is unable to leave the room, she is helpless. The fair maiden will always be gagged, bound hand and foot, and either secured to some very stable object well away from all other objects in the room, or even better, hogtied. Evil minions who leave the fair maiden alone and unsecured will be left alone and unsecured in a room full of angry bears.
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If my stronghold is attacked, I will immediately use my prepared escape pod to escape to my auxiliary HQ, from which I will direct the defense of my primary headquarters. I will not wait until my enemies are breaking down the doors of my inner sanctum before attempting to leave.
If I am forced to make my escape, I will not pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner before leaving.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the band of heroes actually making it into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
Shooting is not "too good" for my enemies.
No matter how tempted I am by the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field that is larger than my head.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively executed; all annoying and/or humorously clever robots and androids will be destroyed; and it shall be declared a capital crime to be the "town drunk". The hero will certainly give up and abandon his quest if he has no handy source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not waste time trying to make my enemies' deaths look like accidents. After all, I am not accountable to anyone, and my other enemies wouldn't believe it was an accident anyway.
All slain enemies will be cremated as soon as possible. They will not be left for dead in a hidden area. An announcement of their demise, plus the attendant public celebration, will be deferred until after the urn full of ashes has been placed into my hands.
All younger siblings, spouses, children, students, and old army buddies of an enemy I have just killed will be hunted down to prevent them from attacking me at some future point in a quest for vengeance.
When I capture the hero, I will also make sure to capture his pet ferret, dog, monkey, or whatever other sickeningly cute pet animal that is capable of untying ropes, fetching keys, etc that happens to be following him around.
I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum. A small hotel room located well outside the borders of my kingdom works just as well and has the benefits of privacy and intimacy. After the interrogation, I will shoot them.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament to show my superiority. I will shoot them.
If one of my enemies says, "Look, before you kill us, will you at least tell us what this is all about?" I will say "No." And then I will shoot them.
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If any of my advisors ever says to me "My lord, he is but one man, and what can one man possibly do?" I will reply "This.", and then shoot him.
My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped to come into power, will not be secretly kept imprisoned anonymously in a cell in my dungeon. He will be killed as soon as my coronation is over.
I will not have a son. Although his eventual and surely laughable plan to overthrow me will fail, it could provide a fatal distraction at a crucial moment.
I will not have a daughter. Although she would certainly be as evil as she is beautiful, once she sees the hero's rugged good looks, she will no doubt betray me to him.
Before putting my Master Plan into action, I will hire a board-certified team of architects and surveyors to examine my headquarters closely and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. This team will then be paid ludicrous amounts of money and relocated to the Caribbean Island of their choice, where they will live out their lives in luxury.
My stronghold will have ventilation ducts that are too small to crawl through.
My main computer will use a custom operating system incompatible with all of the more common PowerBook and laptop computer models commercially available today.
The entrance to my stronghold will have doors that are normal sized. While twenty-foot tall doors do impress the masses, they are difficult to close quickly in an emergency.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports that intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
In my headquarters, incinerators, not compactors will dispose of bulk trash, and they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames shooting through accessible tunnels at intervals.
My stronghold won't have a self-destruct device unless it is absolutely necessary. If a self-destruct device turns out to be necessary, a big red button marked "Danger! Do not push!" will not activate it. The big red button marked "Danger! Do not push!" will instead trigger a spray of bullets onto anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, no on/off switches in my control room will be labeled as such.
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I will never turn into a giant snake, no matter how much I might want to, because it never helps.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the mountain of despair beyond the river of fire guarded by the dragons of eternity. It will be locked up in my safe-deposit box. The same can be said for the artifact that is my one vulnerability.
When my troops invade an unsuspecting country, I will direct the attack from the safety of my stronghold. If I absolutely must ride into battle myself, I will certainly not do so at the forefront of my army. Nor will I attempt to seek out my opposite number among his army for personal combat.
I will not require ranking female members of my staff to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code.
I will occasionally listen to and follow my advisor's advice.
If my advisors ask, "Why are you risking everything on this mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have an answer that satisfies them.
One of my chief advisors will be an average, every-day eight-year-old child. Any flaws in my Master Plan that he is able to spot will be corrected long before I put that plan into action.
If I am considering using a new code, I will instruct my eight-year old advisor to try to break it. If he can, the code will not be used. Note: the same policy applies to passwords.
If my Trusted Lieutenant tells me that my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him... After all, he is my Trusted Lieutenant.
I will not order my Trusted Lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me... I will do it myself. With my bare hands.
I will make sure that there is a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up, I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price of failure!", then suddenly turn and kill a random underling.
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If I Were The Evil Overlord...
NOTE: This list originated from a sketch on the Saturday Night Live TV show, where several James Bond villains were appearing on a talk show touting their new book, "What Not To Do If You Capture James Bond".
I will try to maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses, even though this takes some of the fun out of the job. I will never say, "I am invincible", because no one ever is.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues to my Master Plan in the form of riddles for my enemies to find.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and be cured of all unusual phobias or bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
I will always dress in bright, cheery colors... Mostly soft pastels. Wearing nothing but black is too depressing, while wearing all white is too boring.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as often as possible instead of holding it in reserve.
I will make it quite clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"... I just choose not to show any.
I will only employ assassins and bounty hunters that work for "the money". Those who work for "the thrill of the hunt" tend to do stupid things, like even the odds to give their victim a sporting chance.
I will maintain plausible deniability at all times.
I will not indulge in the practice of maniacal laughter, despite the proven stress-relieving effects of such behavior. When so occupied, it is too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more alert and attentive individual would notice.
I will not grow a goatee. Yes, it is true that in the old days they made you look sinister. Unfortunately, these days they only make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to demonstrate how evil I am. Loyal service should be rewarded... Which is how it becomes "loyal" service in the first place. And besides, honest messengers are hard to come by when you are in the Evil Overlord business.
I will never utter the sentence "Before I kill you, you should knowβ¦"
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There is something wrong with that picture. >_>
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So, the only thing I have to worry about now, is someone coming and commenting on your page whilst I am busy spamming it. If they do, then I shall have to chop of their fingers and make them eat them. ><
Okay, I wouldn't really...I don't think. >_>
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This would be me. 
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
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Haha~
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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Thank you so much for stopping by my page.
And for the fav!!!!!!!!!!!
>^..^<
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