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10eel — Unseen Eyes on the Breeze

Published: 2006-05-23 11:53:51 +0000 UTC; Views: 324; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 22
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Description The rooms were still and silent
No movement in the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse

My father held my mother's hand
As he lead her down the stairs
The sorrow obviously weighed her down
And reflected in greying hairs

My father had to support her
Otherwise she would fall
Once so strong, now so frail
Like a crumbling canyon wall

My sister waited in the car
Her tears pattering her face like rain
Down her cheeks and across the scar
That caused her so much pain

I couldn't really remember
How the scar had come to be
But I knew it was significant
It meant a lot to me

I slipped in beside my sister
She didn't look my way
I understood how much she hurt
With having to move away

We had grown up inside those walls
So many memories
She had lived there all her life
I'd lived there since I was three

But I couldn't understand it
My emotions remained unfelt
No sorrow or happiness could I sense
My heart had ceased to melt

It just seemed to me another stage
That my life would soon pass by
In my memories the house would live on
There was no reason for me to cry

With my parents safely in the car
We moved onto the road
The scenery out the window
Unchanging the car's abode

It hit me then what my family
Reminded me of, on our ride
The silence was so amazingly thick
As if someone had died

Just as I was thinking that
My sister spoke clear and bold
The plea escaping from her lips
Chilled my blood ice-cold

"Can we go visit her grave, Mum
Once more before we leave?"
The words echoed inside my head
Surfaced from their late retrieve

Sudden, half-finished images
Flashed across my mind
My sister and I playing with dolls
When she was six and I was nine

Then we were playing monopoly
At the age that we were today
We hadn't played that game for years
But it seemed like yesterday

Then my vision was surrounded
By a flickering, golden flame
I saw my sister collapse to the floor
Calling out my name

I tried to move to save her
But the pain in my head was immense
A bookcase fell on top of me
The heat of it was intense

And then the fire that destroyed our house
Multiplied ten fold
It felt like a hell right here on Earth
Until it all went cold

Suddenly I remembered everything
How my sister got her scar
Why my family was moving
I sank lower in the car

Finally my unfelt sorrow
Fled out through my eyes
What I hadn't known before
Now, I realised

I followed my parents out of the car
Tears streaming down my face
Til they found the plot they were searching for
My final resting place

I was dead, I understood
I had died there in our house
And now no creature is stirring
Not even that well-known mouse

But I am still here, bound to live on
Though not in stars and never in song
I am the nightmare kids retell at night
While frightening others round campfire light
I am the haunting of the house that burned down
Soul roaming free, body deep under ground
I'm not of this world, though I shall never leave
I'll always be watching - unseen eyes on the breeze
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Comments: 31

darknightssonana [2006-06-19 06:03:20 +0000 UTC]

this is a wonderful narrative! The rhyme scheme works and the plot is well told

great job

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10eel In reply to darknightssonana [2006-06-19 12:30:59 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Thanks! I appreciate your comments. Made my day!

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darknightssonana In reply to 10eel [2006-06-20 17:39:37 +0000 UTC]

no problem

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10eel In reply to darknightssonana [2006-06-21 10:44:29 +0000 UTC]

*feels special*

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Reji [2006-06-19 02:55:27 +0000 UTC]

A very nice piece that I just happened to click on. I do have to agree with *Mickey-Mouse with the last stanza. Other than that, this piece is really good. I haven't really read a good piece like this in a while so it's a refreshing change. Good job!

~Raye

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-20 04:13:57 +0000 UTC]

Haha, thanks! What a lovely comment to recieve... (and I will accept that you agree with Michelley... but she's not very clever so I wouldn't do it very often if I were you!) Kidding, of course... I shall fiddle with alternative endings, though I doubt I shall change it... I'll just remember not to change the style of poem half-way through for my other ones.

Also, sorry I didn't reply to this before our conversation via comments earlier today. As luck would have it I have 62 new messages and you have to go through and delete all the new ones before you can get to the old ones. And I don't delete comments, I reply to all of them. So, it's taken a while. But I finally got to your's and thank you, I'm really glad you enjoyed the story within the poem!

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-20 04:57:13 +0000 UTC]

You're quite welcome. I've waded through having a lot of comments as well and it doesn't bother me that it took you a while.

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-20 05:00:26 +0000 UTC]

Haha, well phew! That's all right then. I feel somewhat relieved actually.

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-20 05:15:42 +0000 UTC]

Lol I'm not a grouchy person.

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-20 05:20:55 +0000 UTC]

Hehehe, good. Neither am I.

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-20 05:23:21 +0000 UTC]

Unless someone takes my chocolate. Then it's a war. XD

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-20 05:26:34 +0000 UTC]

Understandably! Who would do such a horrible thing as take your chocolate?

... hehehe... *shift eyes*

Yoink! *runs away with Raye's virtual chocolately-goodness*

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-20 05:31:21 +0000 UTC]

..... -_____-


My best friend Ashy runs away with meh chocolate.

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-20 05:35:57 +0000 UTC]

Haha... gotta love friends who steal chocolate, don't you?

*little voice in head* No! She stole me chocolate!

I can understand completely if your response is similar to the second comment. I don't think I'd like it much either.

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-20 17:08:03 +0000 UTC]

Lol

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-21 10:47:31 +0000 UTC]



... yes, I know... I go weird when I've been bored for long periods of time... you'll have to excuse that...

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-21 20:13:06 +0000 UTC]

So do I.

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-22 04:01:13 +0000 UTC]

Oh, well, that's alrigh then! *beams*

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-20 05:34:49 +0000 UTC]

What? No attempt to steal it back?

Oh, I'm sorry... here... *gives back virtual chocolatey-goodness*

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-20 17:09:36 +0000 UTC]

*Huggles chocolate*

I was tired and didn't feel like running after someone. (^^)

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-21 10:46:34 +0000 UTC]

Well... that's fair enuff then...

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Reji In reply to 10eel [2006-06-21 20:13:43 +0000 UTC]

Lol

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10eel In reply to Reji [2006-06-22 04:00:45 +0000 UTC]

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Mickey-Mouse [2006-06-13 07:34:48 +0000 UTC]

All round, very good, but the last paragraph didn't quite fit..... but other than that, it flowed quite nicely.

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10eel In reply to Mickey-Mouse [2006-06-14 03:44:24 +0000 UTC]

Michelle... that was intentional... *shakes head* You'll never understand artistic poetic license, will you?

Joking, thank you for the comment, I feel super impressed and special as you NEVER comment and you HAVE commented to me!!! YAY!!!! Thank you for the compliment, Chelley... You're awesome, and dA misses you when you go away!!!! *hint, hint, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more!!!!*

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spontaneous0 [2006-06-02 16:31:34 +0000 UTC]

AWESOME SUSPENSE!, i write the same way too, just what comes to head!

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10eel In reply to spontaneous0 [2006-06-04 11:34:53 +0000 UTC]

Haha! THANK YOU again!

Really? That's awesome, I'll have to read some of your poems sometime! (My Mum's currently breathing down my neck to go to bed, so I won't have time now, but if you were to remind me I'm sure I'll find the time!!! ...)

I really love reading other works of poetry written like my own. It reassures me that I'm not the only one!

Haha, and I love writing just whatever comes to head. I always thought, when I was growing up, that someone really needed to make a better version of that silly poem, 'Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...' and then, one day, I finally managed to get around to it!

I look forward to reading your work too! Happy Rhyming!

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spontaneous0 In reply to 10eel [2006-06-04 13:42:16 +0000 UTC]

yup do go ahead, try my earlier ones for the rhyming part, lately i've been into free verse(or maybe worse! )

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10eel In reply to spontaneous0 [2006-06-06 11:02:33 +0000 UTC]

Haha. Cool. I'll do that!

*toddles off...*

...or rather... *limps off due to broken toe...*... damn Natalie...

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Lynarri [2006-05-23 14:22:43 +0000 UTC]

Wow. I really like this one, Tenille. It is a little bit dark and depressing, but it is a unique perspective looking at the world through the eyes of one who has died but doesn't realize it immediately. I also like how you started out with the slight reference to the Christmas poem (I can't remember its name for the life of me!); it made me think it was going to be a nice feel-good poem but then you turned the tables. It was a good way to draw your audience in. Very nice job.
~Lynarri

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10eel In reply to Lynarri [2006-05-24 04:15:35 +0000 UTC]

haha, thank you again!

thank you for all the time you've given me with comments and responses and whatnot. i really appreciate it!

and i had never considered it that way, i just wrote what came to me. thanks!

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