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Description
I look back at your pale form. Your beauty is astonishing, your bright eyes shining. I try to avert my gaze as I shyly scooch my hand closer to you, seeming casual. But you seem distracted by something else and I draw it back, slowly. Looking at my hands, so much less skill than yours contained in them. You are clever at your craft, and I've seen the truth behind that so many times. I question myself justly as to whether this was ever really meant to exist. Or if it ever even existed in the first place. I think of this as...a monologue, perhaps. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the memoirs of a person who cannot grasp that which is closest to her and has to watch it slip away. Slowly and painfully. At least we're not fighting again. We're just in the company of each other, enjoying what little time we have together. I feel like...I'm running from myself. Maybe because I really am afraid to see whether any joy is left in this world. Maybe it's because when I know I've taken everything, I will realize that there's nothing left to take. Nothing left to soothe the pain, to ease the hurt. That is probably what scares me the most. Out of everything that could scare me...

The birds chirp. Our voices intertwine with one another and we both apologize for interrupting each other. However, this happens so often now that we simply disregard it and look upon it from the future with laughs. If we even have a future. Who knows with the conditions lately. When I hear your voice, I hear it smooth. Like a brook. Like ocean at a calm low tide. Silk, even. but I can't even comprehend that. What am I saying...I can't see what's in front of me. Nothing.

When it comes to counting my blessings, I'm as blind as a bat. I don't see much in front of me. Lately, all I see is you. You're my only blessing. I'm scared to even lean towards you when I realize that just staying as we are would be much better. And that's what I do. I just stay totally still.

Honestly, when I think of myself I don't see an interesting person. Nor do I see a person who deserves something as wonderful as you. I always manage to be so stoic, to never show my pain...I've perfected at least that method of leading people away from knowing that I'm worse for wear than I seem. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just sitting in the sidelines watching my life go by. And that's probably the case, too. I am, simply because that is how I feel. I've heard you can control your own fate. But I doubt it because I never controlled the fact that I hurt more than I can stand. I would never put myself through any of that.

I've been dying inside so much lately. Almost like just sitting and watching myself waste away, feeling my body die all around me while inside I remain the same. My feelings stay undecided, my intentions never fully intended since I never really completed any. And yet, I'd stay like it all the time if it meant you could be at my side like this. I always end up in such a mess, and you always have to clean it all up. But I know there's a reason you do it. Even though you never physically say it, I know there is. I only wish I could say it and have you return it. It's never going to be the same.

I need someone to help me see through the darkness that's enveloped me. I need someone to tell me when to turn away from danger, when to not make a certain mistake. But there's no one but you who can truly do that. My guilt washes over me, taking me down like someone sinking into the deepest trench in the deepest ocean. I need you, I know that now. I feel...as if...I've changed too much to reverse it all. I can't even speak, because words would ruin this perfect moment. I know what I want. I'll never ask for it, but I do know. I'm afraid to want. Because I know that everything will be gone sooner or later. Whether I want it or not, it will be gone. Everything, including your affection. Including your love, if that even exists anymore. I don't know if it does, and looking at you doesn't tell me. And even if you hypnotize me with your beautiful eyes like only you can, it still wouldn't change anything about it all.

I would do anything for you. I would even give up my life for you.

Even though most people call me a dreamer, I don't see myself as one. Rather, I see myself as part martyr, part confused individual who will never see true happiness. I always tell myself I shouldn't hesitate like this. That I should take the chance. But every chance I get, I give myself to you but you don't see me. You are blind to all the hurt I experience. And that is simply because I hide it. I hide everything from everyone, especially those closest to me. I always say, "Oh, I'm fine" as if I really am and it misleads the most. Only my true friends really notice I'm lying. And so far, no one has noticed.

Honestly, you dug your own grave when you agreed to all this. You dug your own grave when you stopped all of this. Everything good we ever had that's now over...it's all gone by now. It'll never be back for me...but you're lucky you are loved, and that you love. You don't love me, but remain blind to me. It will spare you the pain of having to deal with me. Having to deal with the shadows my mistakes have made on your happy world. Granted, I have a happy place. But it's tainted by everything that has ever went wrong. needless to say, it's quite a dark place. The monsters call out my name, beckoning me into the darkness which in my opinion means death. Sometimes I think that maybe that would help everything. But I know it would just make it worse. Those around me...at least the few who even seem to care...might just miss me. I don't know if they would but there's always the possibility. One can never tell, really. So...with this I ask you...if I gave you the pieces of me, could you put them back together and still call me whole?

Therefore, I'd like of you all to think of this as a final testament. Me just writing out things I'll never be able to do, never will do, and only think of in my wildest dreams. A final testament to my life, a final thing to think about when you think about me, rotting away right in front of you. I want you to be there when I'm alone, for your arms to hold me comfortingly when I need you. I know I'm not the greatest person but I want you to be the one to keep me balanced on my feet, to keep me up when I fall down. And therefore, I take the first initiative and reach out, taking your hand tightly in mine. And whisper the material words that once meant something to me, but maybe not you.

"I love you..."

Description
I look back at your pale form. Your beauty is astonishing, your bright eyes shining. I try to avert my gaze as I shyly scooch my hand closer to you, seeming casual. But you seem distracted by something else and I draw it back, slowly. Looking at my hands, so much less skill than yours contained in them. You are clever at your craft, and I've seen the truth behind that so many times. I question myself justly as to whether this was ever really meant to exist. Or if it ever even existed in the first place. I think of this as...a monologue, perhaps. Nothing more, nothing less. Just the memoirs of a person who cannot grasp that which is closest to her and has to watch it slip away. Slowly and painfully. At least we're not fighting again. We're just in the company of each other, enjoying what little time we have together. I feel like...I'm running from myself. Maybe because I really am afraid to see whether any joy is left in this world. Maybe it's because when I know I've taken everything, I will realize that there's nothing left to take. Nothing left to soothe the pain, to ease the hurt. That is probably what scares me the most. Out of everything that could scare me...

The birds chirp. Our voices intertwine with one another and we both apologize for interrupting each other. However, this happens so often now that we simply disregard it and look upon it from the future with laughs. If we even have a future. Who knows with the conditions lately. When I hear your voice, I hear it smooth. Like a brook. Like ocean at a calm low tide. Silk, even. but I can't even comprehend that. What am I saying...I can't see what's in front of me. Nothing.

When it comes to counting my blessings, I'm as blind as a bat. I don't see much in front of me. Lately, all I see is you. You're my only blessing. I'm scared to even lean towards you when I realize that just staying as we are would be much better. And that's what I do. I just stay totally still.

Honestly, when I think of myself I don't see an interesting person. Nor do I see a person who deserves something as wonderful as you. I always manage to be so stoic, to never show my pain...I've perfected at least that method of leading people away from knowing that I'm worse for wear than I seem. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just sitting in the sidelines watching my life go by. And that's probably the case, too. I am, simply because that is how I feel. I've heard you can control your own fate. But I doubt it because I never controlled the fact that I hurt more than I can stand. I would never put myself through any of that.

I've been dying inside so much lately. Almost like just sitting and watching myself waste away, feeling my body die all around me while inside I remain the same. My feelings stay undecided, my intentions never fully intended since I never really completed any. And yet, I'd stay like it all the time if it meant you could be at my side like this. I always end up in such a mess, and you always have to clean it all up. But I know there's a reason you do it. Even though you never physically say it, I know there is. I only wish I could say it and have you return it. It's never going to be the same.

I need someone to help me see through the darkness that's enveloped me. I need someone to tell me when to turn away from danger, when to not make a certain mistake. But there's no one but you who can truly do that. My guilt washes over me, taking me down like someone sinking into the deepest trench in the deepest ocean. I need you, I know that now. I feel...as if...I've changed too much to reverse it all. I can't even speak, because words would ruin this perfect moment. I know what I want. I'll never ask for it, but I do know. I'm afraid to want. Because I know that everything will be gone sooner or later. Whether I want it or not, it will be gone. Everything, including your affection. Including your love, if that even exists anymore. I don't know if it does, and looking at you doesn't tell me. And even if you hypnotize me with your beautiful eyes like only you can, it still wouldn't change anything about it all.

I would do anything for you. I would even give up my life for you.

Even though most people call me a dreamer, I don't see myself as one. Rather, I see myself as part martyr, part confused individual who will never see true happiness. I always tell myself I shouldn't hesitate like this. That I should take the chance. But every chance I get, I give myself to you but you don't see me. You are blind to all the hurt I experience. And that is simply because I hide it. I hide everything from everyone, especially those closest to me. I always say, "Oh, I'm fine" as if I really am and it misleads the most. Only my true friends really notice I'm lying. And so far, no one has noticed.

Honestly, you dug your own grave when you agreed to all this. You dug your own grave when you stopped all of this. Everything good we ever had that's now over...it's all gone by now. It'll never be back for me...but you're lucky you are loved, and that you love. You don't love me, but remain blind to me. It will spare you the pain of having to deal with me. Having to deal with the shadows my mistakes have made on your happy world. Granted, I have a happy place. But it's tainted by everything that has ever went wrong. needless to say, it's quite a dark place. The monsters call out my name, beckoning me into the darkness which in my opinion means death. Sometimes I think that maybe that would help everything. But I know it would just make it worse. Those around me...at least the few who even seem to care...might just miss me. I don't know if they would but there's always the possibility. One can never tell, really. So...with this I ask you...if I gave you the pieces of me, could you put them back together and still call me whole?

Therefore, I'd like of you all to think of this as a final testament. Me just writing out things I'll never be able to do, never will do, and only think of in my wildest dreams. A final testament to my life, a final thing to think about when you think about me, rotting away right in front of you. I want you to be there when I'm alone, for your arms to hold me comfortingly when I need you. I know I'm not the greatest person but I want you to be the one to keep me balanced on my feet, to keep me up when I fall down. And therefore, I take the first initiative and reach out, taking your hand tightly in mine. And whisper the material words that once meant something to me, but maybe not you.

"I love you..."