HOME | DD
999inthedark — How to love myself? ....... I.... I don't know....
Published: 2013-10-15 12:32:44 +0000 UTC; Views: 142; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
You know, I look at all the things I want to express, all the stories I'd like to tell....And I keep thinking...
WHO CARES?!
I know this isn't how I should think...
But it keeps showing up in my mind.
I see all I do as inadequate, not good enough.
I'm tired of it, but, you know the real problem?
The real problem....
is me.
I don't love myself.
I hate myself.
I want all I do to matter...
But sometimes... I don't see my life as mattering...
and it kills me.
I look at how in my life, I've gone through so much, and everywhere I go, very very few people show care to anything I do or say.
Either they will prove me wrong, or say nothing.
There are a few exceptions, a few people to speak positivity into my life.
A few people that...
After 20 years of life, FINALLY started showing up to be semi-consistent in my life.
But, those few vanished.
I was stupid.
I focused on the depression when talking to them.
They got tired of it.
I don't blame them, because I'm an idiot for it.
And they went to do other things.
I became a shadow... again.
And last year, I found a few more people.
They have helped a lot.
But I keep finding myself, every now and then, going back to thinking how I did.
I partially try to hide from them.
Afraid of wasting their life and their time with my stupid idiotic life.
And though I believe my life isn't a waste....
I live like I do...
Like my life is a waste of everyone's time and energy.
I just....
I want someone to be consistent with me.
I want someone to accept me for who I am.
I want someone to give me time and energy, and stick with me, and not let life get in the way.
Is that so much to ask?
I know it is though.
That is far too much to ask.
And... I couldn't ask that for real.
I don't see myself as worth enough for that.
But then... what about those I care about?
The ones that are showing me time now?
The ones that are now showing they care?
The ones that are sticking around?
I can't just let them down.
But by now... I feel so weak.
I feel so helpless.
I feel like there is no hope for me to change anymore.
I feel like I'm just slipping further and further into darkness.
I know how to escape.
I know what I need to do.
I need to accept people's love for me.
I need to let them pull me up.
But the one thing I need to do, before I can do that.
Is I have to accept me for me...
I have to accept to love myself....
Because if I can't love myself...
It is difficult to accept love from others...
And I...
....
....I don't know how to love myself....
Related content
Comments: 10
Speaking from one who is currently deep in her own depression, I truly know what you mean. I seem to get short periods of time where I feel like my life is turning around for the better. But then everything crashes down on me even harder than before.
I haven't learned to love myself either. It's hard. You think you do all these things that matter to you, but then it kicks in and you think, 'No one will notice me. No one cares. I'm not this. I'm not that.'
But you are an amazing friend and writer. I love how nearly everyday, I talk to you usually how I'm feeling, but you always put up this happy mask. I can't do that. I'm a very expressive person, and I often get asked, "Are you alright? You look mad/sad. You look sick. Are you feeling okay?"
And all I can say is, "Yeah...fine..."
I admire how you can at least try and be happy. And just know that your 'little sis' here for you to let everything out on. I do so on you, so feel free to do the same back. And I will guarantee you that my response will always be truthful and wanting you to be happier. :3
Your writing is wonderful, and I wish I could spill everything want to onto paper/screen like you do.~
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
*Just, gives a big brother hug, big big hug, not really having words to express how your words have touched me. So, a great big hug is my way of thanking you, and saying "I love you too, sis." and just, you are awesome, and, thank you for staying around. I'm glad you have. And just, hugs and hugs and hugs.* okay, sorry... just, being weird. but, thank you, thank you for giving your response to be so honest, to show you connect with what I've said, in such a personal way, and for encouraging me with your other words. Just... *hugs again* sorry for being weird, I don't know how else to respond but just to hug, to say I care, and I love you, and thank you. Like... a hug says all of the words that I can't aptly express right now...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I understand where you're coming from, and you're right, you need to love yourself a little bit first before you'll accept other people's love for you. I like this piece, a lot.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks. Glad you like it, and, thank you for commenting.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're welcome. And of course. I don't comment all the time, but I do my best to read everything you post.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so so very much. : j
And, as I do with yours, I try to read everything, even if I don't comment on it all, I read it. Even if that means letting them stack up for awhile, because I'm pretty bad at keeping up with all the deviations everyone does. Certain people I will hold off on looking at their stuff until I am ready to tackle all the stuff at once, and you are one of those people.
Thank you, so much, I know I said that, but, saying it again, thank you thank you thank you.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're welcome. 
You're welcome so much, I know I said that but, saying it again, You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
So are you, Brandon.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1