HOME | DD
Aerode —
Black Widow II
Published: 2013-07-19 16:19:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 4259; Favourites: 122; Downloads: 21
Redirect to original
Description
awayi'm going to break away
drain
i'm
in
the
drain
of
drains
and
slowly
being
spun
downwards
and
downwards
and
downwards
and
down
wards.
thirteen
Mom's rose garden grew beneath the steps, and I did too. They weren't aligned and it bothered me. I always tried to fight it but she would come down and lay her hand on my bare skin and whisper, "They aren't growing."
And I would be red like the roses and blue like the violets.
She grew beneath the steps too.
past
notlookingforthepastorthe f u t u r e e e e e e
set
set down the lighter
put it down.
don't make it brighter.
I set the roses on fire.
ingenuity
she never knew I them on fire.
I set them on fire.
her hands on my bare skin and whisper,
they aren't growing
roses were red
violets were crumbling
soon they were dead
petals
were
tumbling.
fungus fungus
fungus fungus
she grew
too
steps
the
beneath
hide
H
I monster monster monster monster monster
hide me D monster monster monster monster monster
E mother
vulnerable
M
E
me
leave
me
stone
can always
be cut
into
p
i e
c
e
s
Related content
Comments: 60
OH MY GOSH THIS 
I love this too much but it's worth it
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
At first I was apprehensive about this series. But now I'm completely on board. I love the formatting-- it really adds to the piece whereas some visual poetry takes away. This clearly doesn't. Well done spud!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hi there, I'm Jasmine, a staff blogger at . Just letting you know I've featured this piece here: fav.me/d6o5gfj
It's our round-up of members who have received a DLD or a DD in the past few weeks, so please do check it out!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I can't find the right words to describe how this made me feel.
The imagery was very personal for me.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank you so much, and I'm glad to hear that.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm going to give you an observation for perhaps revision. If you don't want the observation, ignore what comes after this. This is a disclaimer because people always get upset when you don't post "I LOVE IT" (though I like it)
I think that the first part is a lot less interesting than this one. I think that you might benefit from finding from the first part the bits that are more poetically interesting and not commentary on what a self is, because those parts (and a large chunk of part I) came off as rather blase to me. They didn't have any surprise in the lines, like I feel this one has. I think that there's some really lovely stuff here though, I love the rose and the steps thing, and I don't think you need to really try and set up this kid as some special kid like you do in part I. I think that you could very easily (and should consider) starting with this rose stuff because it is really hooking. The first part (which I read second) seemed much too conventional for what you seem to be capable of.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ooh, I'm glad. I always enjoy Critiques more than just praise (although that's appreciated as well).
The story does pick up after a while, though. I might end up changing a bit of One, because your suggestion is true. Thank you!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
You're welcome! I'm always apprehensive trying to be helpful on deviantart because people don't ever take it. I think the poem has some really good stuff in it, and that if you are able to trim it down to the best and most interesting pieces, and not try to do too much (if you want to do all the things you're trying to do you might be better off making a connected sequence) you might get something really quite interesting. As I said, the beneath the stairs is the highlight thus far, and you might try and find a way to organize the poem around that idea, and really think about starting with it because I think it is really a beautiful and interesting image and might be a good thing to come back to over and over throughout the poem as a sort of backbone for the poem to tug against. I still have to read part three, and maybe I'll put a comment on it if I have anything helpful to say.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Some people on dA should learn to accept constructive criticism. 
I'm not sure how much you'll like Three, as it's quite a bit of filler, maybe a bit of foreshadowing, if you can read the symbolism.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really like how you wrote "not looking for the past or the future". Poignant and very visually beautiful as well.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Spinning a web
The father is dead
And the babies are on their way
Hour glass, red
long thin legs
And the venom will take the pain away
Don't forget she sits in the corner
You just cant simply ignore her
But she is here to stay
~silent somebody~
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
That was beautiful. I love the imagery.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
beautiful! i can definitely feel the emotions in this.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I love poetry, but none usually stand out to me as much as this does. This is a very creative and original collection, each piece telling part of the story.
I'm very impressed with this, it is well written and the display only adds to its emotion!
Congratulations on the DD, it is well-deserved. Thanks so much for sharing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
((Wow.. the emotions are so deep.. This is truly the best piece of literature I've ever seen on deviantART.))
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
That is quite a compliment! Thank you!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
((You're very welcome!))
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I love "Hide". Monster, monster, monster ...mother
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I couldn't quite get the story on the first run, but reading it a second time I started getting it. Beautiful job, with or without understanding doesn't matter.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
It may have confused you if you didn't read Part I . I'm glad you can understand it now, though.
Thank you!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
| Next =>