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aethelia — let loose the phoenix
Published: 2009-01-03 06:21:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 196; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 7
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Description
The room stank and the walls were stained. The drippings slid down the banisters, the nightstands, bureaus, doors, and collected at a pool at her feet. She could feel the gasoline beginning to soak through the soles of her shoes – the bottoms were thinned from years of wear, it was only a matter of time – but she remained still. Arms quaking, hands shaking, eyes leaking, breath choking. And yet she continued to stand. Still. Oh so very still…The world rotated once before her knees hit the floor. There was a time when the boards were creaky and lightly layered with dust, but all that had been covered up by the gasoline, the petroleum, the oil. But the past didn’t matter – only the present. And the present was toxic and the future couldn’t be cleaned. Couldn’t ever be pure again.
Despite the quivering from before, her hands were surprisingly steady when she removed the silver canister from her pocket. Kept her gaze steely as she flicked open the top, emitting the familiar tongue. It licked and lapped and burned at her thumb, reminding her of what she was doing, what she was about to do. The actions she would take and the aftermath that would follow. It would all come undone with one simple move.
And she knew that, was very aware of the consequences. But she wanted those things to happen. Wished for it. Begged for it. It seeped into her brain and formulated in her mind, leaking into all the pores and crevices and controlling with thoughts of do it, do it, you have to, you need to, you can’t back down, don’t back away, don’t hold on, just let go, let it go, let it all go…
Her eyes fluttered shut, the hummingbird in her neck throbbed, and her hand released its hold on the lighter. She didn’t watch its descent, nor did she hear the splash it made as it landed in the puddle below. She only felt her soul burn and her life rise up in flames.
The cycle of life and death continues on. From destruction to rebirth, new life will rise up from the ashes. And the world will take a moment to pause. A second to reflect. Then it will continue the universal rotation started from origin. It doesn’t stop, because it can’t. It has to keep moving – and it will. It always does.
Like acid and oil on a madman’s face, his reasons tend to fly away…
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Comments: 4
hmmmm.. chaos... pain from the past...burning down whats left. dark sinister setting of old abandon shack of home... Familiar feeling before ones death...for a warm this is heavy and brutal
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This is excellent work. Even for a warm-up, it's pretty excellent. Now, I know it's a warm-up, as you said, but there's something you can work on: the wording is a little awkward at times. Take, for example:
"Her eyes fluttered shut, the hummingbird in her neck throbbed, and her hand released its hold on the lighter. She didn’t watch its descent, nor did she hear the splash it made as it landed in the puddle below. She only felt her soul burn and her life rise up in flames."
The first sentence could better be revised as:
"Her eyes fluttered shut, the hummingbird in her neck throbbed (maybe '
This might make the sentence lose the sense of a lack of control the ending can put into the reader, so, if that was intended, 'and her grip {was?} released' may be an option.
The latter part:
"She didn’t watch its descent, nor did she hear the splash it made as it landed in the puddle below."
Could further emphasize the lack of control, the feeling of things /happening/, as opposed to merely being observed, as, say:
"She didn’t watch its descent ('it fall'? Sometimes using slightly bigger words just needlessly complicates things), didn't hear the splash it made landing in the puddle below (minus 'below'?)."
Just some random critique from your friendly neighborhood ~Antoids!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I'm really glad you enjoyed the piece, because despite it being a warm-up, I was pretty proud of it. Been awhile since my last original work. And thanks again for the comments, I do appreciate them.
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