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AKsroa4a — Sugar Cane Breath
Published: 2011-08-10 07:09:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 388; Favourites: 15; Downloads: 8
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Description One afternoon
by a forgotten lagoon,
we walked along the shore,
not sure what was in store.

We walked and talked,
and he cut a stalk
of sweet sugar cane.
He placed it in my mouth, not bothering to explain.

The peaceful tide washed the sand
and he and I stepped in, hand-in-hand.
I felt chills on my toes,
but the rest of my shivers weren't from the flows.

We looked eye-to-eye
and he was so beautiful I thought I would die.
He went in for the kiss
and together we were in sugar-cane-breath bliss.
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Comments: 31

QyJx [2011-08-21 07:38:22 +0000 UTC]

Cute. I like the rhymes, but the meter is a bit stretched at times.

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AKsroa4a In reply to QyJx [2011-09-01 02:52:01 +0000 UTC]

Hm, well that might have something to do with it being free verse. xD Thanks though.

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uturn190 [2011-08-16 21:08:28 +0000 UTC]

mmmm sugar cane!

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AKsroa4a In reply to uturn190 [2011-09-01 02:50:47 +0000 UTC]

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CantBeOutdone [2011-08-14 18:21:50 +0000 UTC]

Cute.

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AKsroa4a In reply to CantBeOutdone [2011-08-15 06:27:42 +0000 UTC]

Thank you.

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LuckyClover38 [2011-08-14 02:36:43 +0000 UTC]

Sweet, amazing imagery, flows well. My only suggestion would be to regulate the punctuation better since you lose it a bit throughout. many poets forget this.

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AKsroa4a In reply to LuckyClover38 [2011-08-15 06:26:23 +0000 UTC]

Oi lord, I can't ever get the punctuation right. o.o" I used to put it everywhere, like a comma at the end of every line (except when it'd be a period ), but then I lost a writing contest because of that (which annoyed me half to death because A- if Nikki Giovanni can use none I should be able to use extra and B- if you ignored that detail than my writing was far better [not bragging, I was told so]) so I tried to be better about it. But I guess I'm not. If you could point out a few places where it might help? (Sorry for long reply.) Thanks for the fave!

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SevenoceanCity [2011-08-14 02:25:53 +0000 UTC]

This is beautiful.

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AKsroa4a In reply to SevenoceanCity [2011-08-15 06:20:47 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much. And thanks for the fave too.

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SevenoceanCity In reply to AKsroa4a [2011-08-15 14:30:46 +0000 UTC]

Welcom.

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facile-guise [2011-08-13 22:29:20 +0000 UTC]

:J itd probably be a candycane...not a sugarcane...rofl...
but either way...n__n xoxo
bon travail, paramour...

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AKsroa4a In reply to facile-guise [2011-09-01 02:52:28 +0000 UTC]

True true. -kiis-

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FieryFurry [2011-08-12 00:47:57 +0000 UTC]

Nice.

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AKsroa4a In reply to FieryFurry [2011-08-12 06:39:19 +0000 UTC]

WHAT A BORING COMMENT
But thanks.

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dark000storys [2011-08-11 02:00:25 +0000 UTC]

awww. i like it, its sweet

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AKsroa4a In reply to dark000storys [2011-08-12 06:39:47 +0000 UTC]

Yay! Thanksies!

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dark000storys In reply to AKsroa4a [2011-08-13 14:43:04 +0000 UTC]

no prob

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Dream-Catcher76 [2011-08-10 22:13:02 +0000 UTC]

I'm sensing a dream date here...

I like the imagery in this poem, I'm able to imagine the scene with amazing detail

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AKsroa4a In reply to Dream-Catcher76 [2011-08-15 06:27:29 +0000 UTC]

That's great! And yes, it'd be a cute date. But it's missing one crucial part to be the perfect one.

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Dream-Catcher76 In reply to AKsroa4a [2011-08-15 16:02:00 +0000 UTC]

And might I ask what that part is?

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AKsroa4a In reply to Dream-Catcher76 [2011-08-15 17:06:04 +0000 UTC]

No you may not.

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Dream-Catcher76 In reply to AKsroa4a [2011-08-15 20:17:28 +0000 UTC]

Jerk.... *sadface*

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AKsroa4a In reply to Dream-Catcher76 [2011-08-16 01:51:49 +0000 UTC]

Fine I'se note you. xP

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blaisen [2011-08-10 21:42:39 +0000 UTC]

I like it.

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leesmilezz [2011-08-10 17:14:42 +0000 UTC]

This is such a sweet poem with wonderful imagery. xD

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AKsroa4a In reply to leesmilezz [2011-08-10 19:51:44 +0000 UTC]

Thanks. -is confused as to why that calles for a xD-

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leesmilezz In reply to AKsroa4a [2011-08-11 01:55:07 +0000 UTC]

It calls for an xD because I am an idiot...

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AKsroa4a In reply to leesmilezz [2011-08-15 06:15:58 +0000 UTC]

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Auroralune [2011-08-10 07:20:48 +0000 UTC]

Sweet

I missed you writing..it makes me happy that you are again

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AKsroa4a In reply to Auroralune [2011-08-10 19:51:18 +0000 UTC]

Yeah... I tried again because Cort said he'd written something, and I thought if he did then I should try too.

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