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My name is Euphemia, but you may call me Effie. I was named for Mother’s second cousin. Cousin Effie died before I was born and as far as I know, Mother never met her. So why was I named after her? I’ll tell you why: Cousin Effie was a failure!

Effie didn’t measure up, or at least that’s what I’ve heard. She didn’t make the grade. She was an embarrassment to the family. Mother told me that my grandmother despised Effie so much that her picture was hung facing the wall! My grandmother? That was mother’s mother.

My Mother’s name is Beulah and my grandmother was Elsie the Cow. Yes, that Elsie. If you’re old enough, you might remember her. She was the Queen of the Borden Dairies and the hit of the World’s Fairs of 1939 and 1964. She was the darling of radio and television. She was the put-together superstar with the perfect family and the perfect milk.

Elsie was also a self-absorbed monster. She wouldn’t shut up about the purity of her milk and her genes. No cow produced more or better than she did. No cow brought more dairy goodness to America’s children. No cow was as clever when it came to all the different ways that one might incorporate processed cheese food into one’s diet. No cow, and least of all, Cousin Effie.

I never knew my grandmother. She died not too long ago and everything in her house was divided among her children. Mother made it a point to claim that picture of Cousin Effie.

She was beautiful.

Description

My name is Euphemia, but you may call me Effie. I was named for Mother’s second cousin. Cousin Effie died before I was born and as far as I know, Mother never met her. So why was I named after her? I’ll tell you why: Cousin Effie was a failure!

Effie didn’t measure up, or at least that’s what I’ve heard. She didn’t make the grade. She was an embarrassment to the family. Mother told me that my grandmother despised Effie so much that her picture was hung facing the wall! My grandmother? That was mother’s mother.

My Mother’s name is Beulah and my grandmother was Elsie the Cow. Yes, that Elsie. If you’re old enough, you might remember her. She was the Queen of the Borden Dairies and the hit of the World’s Fairs of 1939 and 1964. She was the darling of radio and television. She was the put-together superstar with the perfect family and the perfect milk.

Elsie was also a self-absorbed monster. She wouldn’t shut up about the purity of her milk and her genes. No cow produced more or better than she did. No cow brought more dairy goodness to America’s children. No cow was as clever when it came to all the different ways that one might incorporate processed cheese food into one’s diet. No cow, and least of all, Cousin Effie.

I never knew my grandmother. She died not too long ago and everything in her house was divided among her children. Mother made it a point to claim that picture of Cousin Effie.

She was beautiful.