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angel-in-pieces — Monologue.s.
Published: 2010-02-15 11:55:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 1640; Favourites: 23; Downloads: 32
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Description
Curtains draw: it's 4 o' clock andthe stage echoes with the sound of hearts beating
in tandem.
Listen –
I can hear you breathe
again; your breath seething
beneath my skin. Your
whispers fill the night with alkali-ash
and I am
heavy; heavy and
falling.
Your words weigh me,
and crack my sulphur lips
like kisses.
(beat)
I never asked for this.
There's a movement,
a balance shifting,
and the darkness begins to lift
like a veil.
//
The Other stirs and
speaks:
And I,
I never answered: you
never let me – just kept me
locked up here, lodged somewhere inside
your ribcage, feeding me
on blood and bones,
acidic sticks and stones,
whilst I
am left fighting for air,
flighting heartwards.
But now it's 4 o'clock and
your electric eyes cry moonshine, and
my heart beeps noisy beats
in tandem
with your own.
(beat beat - pause)
Listen –
can you hear it?
//
The stage opens up, as we step
into the spotlight. Our fingers lock
together - we are the key.
It fits!
There is a fleeting possibility of splitting
awake before the day breaks.
Together we are
(halfhalf) and
- O -
everyone knows that
these two halves make
a hole.
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Comments: 48
I thought of Emilie Autumn's song "4 o'Clock" when I first read the intro, and after reading your comments it made so much sense xD
I adore EA, and I adore this poem.
Together we are
(halfhalf) and
- O -
everyone knows that
these two halves make
a hole.
Brilliant. ♥
The only thing I would have to pick at is how you put "ribcage" in brackets, for I happen to find that trite. Regardless, an amazing poem.
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Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it ♥
I adore EA too! 4 o' clock is one of my favourite songs, its inspired several things I've written.
The ribcage thing is very cliché, but it's kind of used with sarcasm, so I hope that (at least partially!) balances out the triteness.
Thanks again for your comment~
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You're so very welcome!
And EA is just fantastic, she's also inspired me a lot as well.
Actually she inspired my entire novel I'm currently writing, hahaha.
And I feel like I should say you're welcome again 
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Wow, really? I have much respect for anyone who writes novels: I have tried many times, but always run out of ideas...
Have you read EA's book? It's like inspiration purified and condensed into words.
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Oh wow, thank you! Lol yes it is difficult I've tried many times before that lead to failure but this time there's something different
And no, I haven't read her book! I really want to, but even if I got it I wouldn't read it until after I finished writing my own novel. See, before she came out with her book I began mine which was inspired by her songs, and so it revolves around a children to teenager's asylum xDD
Can you believe that? Lol except mine houses boys as well. I realize they're very different with location and time period but I don't want to be influenced by her novel, you know.
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Wow, it sounds really interesting! Yeah, I guess you wouldn't want to accidentally use her ideas (or worse, have to deliberately avoid ideas you already had) because you read them in her book. Best just to keep your ideas original.
You should definitely read it afterwards though: it's a great read.
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Exactly! Haha and thank you very much ^.^
Oh I definitely will, I bet it's worth more the fifty dollars xD
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Definitely! I'd think of it as 'a life investment'
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Ahahaha most definitely
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I think this is pretty damn brilliant. 
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Thank you so much!
I'm really glad you like it~
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You're very welcome!
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pfft. somebodies may not know much about your entire topic here. others do. i sea you o.O and it seems you wave to many who are keys at that veryveryvery same hour. how very victorian.
interesting all use the same key on the same door and who knows what's on thisorthat side.
..................................................................................................
kudos for the dld pick.
oh i have no idea how to make links yet. ever. am in several writing clubs. there.
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How very victorian indeed. In fact, it's quite crazy! (:
Yes, it's like one massive paradox: the setting's so familiar, the script's been learnt by rote, and yet the future's so uncertain...
Thank you so much!
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Thank you very much!
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Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) and has been selected as our Pick of the Day. It is featured in a news article here: [link] and on our main page.
Keep writing and keep creating.
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Wow. This has just made my day about twenty-billion times over!
Thank you so, so much!
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It was our pleasure.
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everyone else said what I was going to say... ;_;
I think the last two stanzas are generally the same thing--or meaning the same thing, and that they'd either work better separate or replaced with something else. (don't ask me what 
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Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with them, because I like them both individually, it's just together than they're a bit unnecessary. I'll see what I can do though!
Ahh, the 'hole' thing is deliberate. It's one of those homonym/wordplay things, when you think it's 'whole' but it's actually 'hole'. It's meant to show the idea that together they're both everything (whole) and nothing (hole - because they cancel each other out) - a massive paradox.
It's kind of confusing!
Thank you so much for your comment!
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oh... wow.. I'm smart. o3o;; Sorry for missing that..
I wish you luck with those stanzas. ^^
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Well, it is meant to be confusing, so at least it works! xD
Thank you!
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let me just say at the outset that this was a lovely poem with a lot of haunting imagery that left me utterly spellbound. you score a home run with this little gem in my book
Curtains draw: it's 4 o' clock and
the stage echoes with the sound of hearts beating
in tandem.
Listen –
Great intro; pretty much flawless.
Your
whispers fill the night with alkaline
'Alkaline' left me a little confused. Alkaline what? I wanted to play with the word and turn into Alka-lime (drunken amnesiac bar nights) but I think in this case just adding a single word to clarify the imagery would suffice.
Your words weigh me,
and crack my sulphur lips
like kisses.
Again, great imagery but 'like' seems tacked on there.
lodged somewhere inside
( ( your ribcage ) ), feeding me
on blood and bones,
acidic sticks and stones,
My fav lines
flighting heartwards.
But now it's 4 o'clock and
your electric eyes cry moonshine, and
my heart beeps noisy beats
in tandem
with your own.
Right, so this is the part that your poem really sank it's teeth into my neck. Excellent stuff. Do. Not. Change.
The stage opens up, and there is
a fleeting possibility of awake
before the day breaks.
Do you mean 'awakening'? Or '...possibility I'll awake'?
We step into the spotlight and
our fingers lock together.
We are the key.
It fits!
I don't think this stanza works very well for the poem specially since the next stanza say the same thing but much more effectively.
Together we are
(halfhalf) and
- O -
everyone knows that
these two halves make
a hole.
Excellent ending; a resolution found in a lack of a resolution.
Overall, great work, mate
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Thank you so, so much for all your feedback! It must have taken you a while to read it all so closely, and I really, really appreciate it!
I see what you mean with 'alkaline'. I meant that the Other's presence taints the night atmosphere with alkaline-ness ('alkaline' kind of acting as noun on its own), but you're right, it’s not very clear! I'll try and think of a more explicit way of phrasing it. The same with 'awake', I use it as a noun again, which also isn’t very clear. I'll try and rephrase that too.
How to you mean 'tacked on'? Structurally or as part of the phrasing? I could change it to -
Your words weigh me,
and crack my sulphur lips like
kisses.
- if you think that would make it any clearer.
Again, thank you so much for your comment. I’ll look into all your recommendations asap~
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No problem!
I meant that 'like' in that particular stanza seemed too wordy and it marred the effect the preceding lines had created. Perhaps you could consider merging those lines into, say, 'Your words weigh me/ Your kisses crack my sulphur lips'? Just a suggestion, I'm sure you'll think of something much better along those lines. (I'm liking what you've considered)
Hope that helps!
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Ahh, I see what you mean! Ok, I'll try and think of something to cut down on the wordiness.
Thank you! ♥
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This is a lovely piece! It gets the emotion across almost perfectly, though it may be a bit slow if you were going from the quote in your comment 
You've created such brilliant imagery with your words and such beautiful flow, I found it to be a thought-provoking but relatively easy read that I thoroughly enjoyed. Thank you.
I loved all of it, but that last play on homonyms at the end there added so much and brought the whole thing together.
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Thank you so much for your lovely comment!
I never really thought about that before. I actually wrote it before I read the quote (although it was always based on that idea), but when I found it I thought it fitted in nicely.
Aww, thank you so much~ I'm really glad you enjoyed it! (:
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It was well-deserved, hun
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I like it. Though I don't pretend to understand all of it, or even most of it (in fact, when it comes to poetry, I tend to take everything straight at face value) your writing has a wonderful music and vivid imagery that evokes a sense of wonder and bright possibility in the reader, no matter what they think it's about.
It feels just right, just perfect.
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Thank you so much for your lovely comment!
As I used to be very much a prose writer, I have to work hard at my poetic technique. So hearing someone say that the 'poeticness' and feel of the poem really stand out means a lot to me. Thank you! (:
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You're welcome ... it really does sound beautiful
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Very enjoyable. Poetic but not obscure and fits well into the Workshop.
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it
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.... I... um... wow. Just... wow. One of The Best Poems I Have Ever Read.
I can't put into words why/how much I love this. I just do.
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Thank you so, so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it~ ♥
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The first 3 lines are my fav bit 
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Thank you very much, m'dear!
Haha, win! I must borrow that from you sometime... (:
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Argh yh, just tell me at school, you know it lives in my DEARBAG! haha!
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Haha, oh yeah, of course!
Dearbag...
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Wow this is amazing
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Thank you very much!
By preview, what do you mean? The dA help page on submitting deviations will probably help you out better than I can!
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Right i've done it. Thanks for the help
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