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AngelRide — Encroaching Shadows
Published: 2011-05-31 22:20:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 300; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 2
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Description
The daunting glare,Of shining white towers,
A city of shattered dreams.
One such a dream,
Thought of right now.
Young woman in a coffee shop,
A somewhat ordinary thing,
Drinking coffee from a teacup,
And thinking it is tea.
Country girl really,
Just come yesterday.
Her clothes she tossed out,
Tattered and frayed.
It is time for change,
Was her phrase.
Words printed on T-shirts,
Huge for her frame,
Not unlike the words,
She craves and craves.
Too lost in dreams,
Still unfulfilled,
But almost there,
By strength of will.
Everything was left,
In lieu of this light.
The loss of what could be,
Far overshadowed by,
What is soon to be,
As soon as she writes.
The paper will yellow,
Far before she begins,
If her innocence hides,
What may be her end,
Darkness lies here,
Deep in broken hearts.
There are some out there,
Ready to take her away,
They do not know nor care,
About why she came.
Their dreams used to shine,
Just as brightly as hers,
Before they were broken,
Unjust, but quite fair.
The seeds of hatred,
Planted long ago.
So it spreads now,
Reaching towards her,
All should be equal,
Time to settle the score.
Why should she stay so bright?
When they are so hurt?
No, it will not be so.
Yet she doesn't know.
So she'll keep walking still.
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Comments: 6
Critique:
This piece is brilliant and definitely deserved to win the contest 
I'm not a fan of the, seemingly, random 2 line stanzas interspersed throughout the poem. Although the rest aren't too bad, to me the first 2 line stanza didn't fit and didn't make much sense.
When you repeat "she craves and she craves" it jars with the reader. Perhaps you should think about re-phrasing this line?
"what is soon to be
as soon as she writes" - again, you need to look at your repetition. It's a common problem throughout this piece. Repetition jars with the reader and ruins the poem for them.
I like this though. An interesting story, well structured, well paced and a strong ending!
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It seems like it took you a moment to get into the poem. The first three stanzas were a bit rough. But it quickly developed into something very very beautiful and visionary. You took me on a journey.
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I'm glad the idea of a journey came to mind though. Thank you.
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Don't worry. I just read a lot of poetry. XD
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Oh my! I was really not expecting that.O__O But yay!
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