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Description
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKK5L0…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VamaH…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow_qI_…
________________________________________________

I had idea for this picture for quite long time and I finally finished it.
Those who watch me for longer time and read my journals know that I've been in bad situation regarding my mental health.
Though, I did not share the entire story and details. Mostly because I didn't have any energy or will to do so and also I didn't want to burden you with my shit.

Now I'm better and I would like to tell you everything.

Everything started on 26th of November 2015. This was the day I had my first panic attack. I was taken to hospital for various tests, but they found nothing wrong with me. In the next week I suffered two panic attacks which needed ambulance calling and I needed to be given sedatives. And also many small panic attacks and sleepless nights. I was sent to endocrine clinic, but they found nothing as well.

After that, my doctor suggested I should see psychologist. The diagnosis was panic disorder. I started my therapy and slowly learned how to control my panic attacks. But that would be too easy

December 3rd 2015. I experienced my first depersonalization. I was looking in the mirror and I saw a person in it. But it was not me. I looked her in the eyes and I was scared. She was looking at me. Then I was nervous all day. You know that feeling when something suddenly scares you and you feel an adrenaline rush. Well, I felt like that for all day. I went out to town to distract myself a little, but I couldn't focus on anything. I was still shaking and everything I could think about was what's happening to me. Next day weren't any better, I got very bad headaches, though I am that kind of person who doesn't get headaches at all.

Christmas was terrible. I started developing depression. Suddenly there wasn't anything that could make me happy. Everything felt so empty and pointless. Everything I enjoyed doing just didn't make me happy anymore. Not drawing, not my characters, not even flying, which is my biggest passion. People told me "do what you like", but the problem was there suddenly wasn't anything I would like.
I lost my will to live. I saw no future for me. Before everything happened I saw my future very clearly and it was awesome. But now, I saw nothing, it was black and empty.

I was going to my psychologist regularly and he was really helping me. But another thing started happening to me. It was around spring/summer 2015. I started experiencing derealization. It was mostly because I was thinking about how one day I wake up and I will be old lady who won't have much time left. It scared me so much. And I couldn't stop thinking about it.
My derealizations got really bad. It felt like the world around you isn't real. It's blurred. And you are just some character in videogame. Even my memories of days when I experienced derealization were dim and blurry. I asked myself if I was going mad or something. I thought about suicide a lot. My therapist suggested taking pills but I can't if I don't want to lose my job as a soldier.

Finally, things started looking up this summer. I got better.

The main thing is that I never gave up. Even if I wanted to end everyhting, there still was something inside me that just kept me going. I just wanted to know what happens next. No matter how bad things were. No matter how much I wanted to give up, I just couldn't. Even when everything was black and dark, there was this little spot of light, which I couldn't see, but something in me knew the light is there. When everything was worst, there was nobody who could help me. There was only me, nobody else. I found my way to the light. t

If you have similar problems, I have one advice for you. Keep going. No, you don't have to do extraordinary things, no, just keep going. No matter how slow or bad it will be, or even if you stay in a place for a while. Just keep going. You can never know what happens next. You can't know if things will be better or worse if you stop. And even if they got worse, just keep going. There is light for you somewhere, too.

Just keep going

Oh god, haven't made a long-ass description for a while. I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes, but I didn't even re-read the text I wrote lol. I doudbt that anyone is reading at this point, because people here care only about popular artists. But if you do, you have a big thank you. And a cookie

Description
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKK5L0…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VamaH…
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow_qI_…
________________________________________________

I had idea for this picture for quite long time and I finally finished it.
Those who watch me for longer time and read my journals know that I've been in bad situation regarding my mental health.
Though, I did not share the entire story and details. Mostly because I didn't have any energy or will to do so and also I didn't want to burden you with my shit.

Now I'm better and I would like to tell you everything.

Everything started on 26th of November 2015. This was the day I had my first panic attack. I was taken to hospital for various tests, but they found nothing wrong with me. In the next week I suffered two panic attacks which needed ambulance calling and I needed to be given sedatives. And also many small panic attacks and sleepless nights. I was sent to endocrine clinic, but they found nothing as well.

After that, my doctor suggested I should see psychologist. The diagnosis was panic disorder. I started my therapy and slowly learned how to control my panic attacks. But that would be too easy

December 3rd 2015. I experienced my first depersonalization. I was looking in the mirror and I saw a person in it. But it was not me. I looked her in the eyes and I was scared. She was looking at me. Then I was nervous all day. You know that feeling when something suddenly scares you and you feel an adrenaline rush. Well, I felt like that for all day. I went out to town to distract myself a little, but I couldn't focus on anything. I was still shaking and everything I could think about was what's happening to me. Next day weren't any better, I got very bad headaches, though I am that kind of person who doesn't get headaches at all.

Christmas was terrible. I started developing depression. Suddenly there wasn't anything that could make me happy. Everything felt so empty and pointless. Everything I enjoyed doing just didn't make me happy anymore. Not drawing, not my characters, not even flying, which is my biggest passion. People told me "do what you like", but the problem was there suddenly wasn't anything I would like.
I lost my will to live. I saw no future for me. Before everything happened I saw my future very clearly and it was awesome. But now, I saw nothing, it was black and empty.

I was going to my psychologist regularly and he was really helping me. But another thing started happening to me. It was around spring/summer 2015. I started experiencing derealization. It was mostly because I was thinking about how one day I wake up and I will be old lady who won't have much time left. It scared me so much. And I couldn't stop thinking about it.
My derealizations got really bad. It felt like the world around you isn't real. It's blurred. And you are just some character in videogame. Even my memories of days when I experienced derealization were dim and blurry. I asked myself if I was going mad or something. I thought about suicide a lot. My therapist suggested taking pills but I can't if I don't want to lose my job as a soldier.

Finally, things started looking up this summer. I got better.

The main thing is that I never gave up. Even if I wanted to end everyhting, there still was something inside me that just kept me going. I just wanted to know what happens next. No matter how bad things were. No matter how much I wanted to give up, I just couldn't. Even when everything was black and dark, there was this little spot of light, which I couldn't see, but something in me knew the light is there. When everything was worst, there was nobody who could help me. There was only me, nobody else. I found my way to the light. t

If you have similar problems, I have one advice for you. Keep going. No, you don't have to do extraordinary things, no, just keep going. No matter how slow or bad it will be, or even if you stay in a place for a while. Just keep going. You can never know what happens next. You can't know if things will be better or worse if you stop. And even if they got worse, just keep going. There is light for you somewhere, too.

Just keep going

Oh god, haven't made a long-ass description for a while. I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes, but I didn't even re-read the text I wrote lol. I doudbt that anyone is reading at this point, because people here care only about popular artists. But if you do, you have a big thank you. And a cookie